Attached quickly but now have to take a step back!
Hello everyone,
I apologize if this is in the wrong subforum. I'm new to talking about this and engaging in a forum about this. About a month or two ago, I was introduced into my partners childs life. She is a beautiful, funny, intelligent and caring three year old girl. When she met me, she took to me immediatly and we've bonded quickly in a short period of time. She tells me she loves me, misses me when she's with her mother, follows me around, is constantly playing with me, has me brush her hair and paint her nails, kiss her boo boo's, etc. I don't have any biological children but have come to love this child as if she was my own. However, as exciting as everything was she's started calling out for her mother more. She isn't lashing out or angry, she just gets into periods of sadness where she might crawl under the table for a few minutes and not want to come out because she misses momma. And she's begun acting strange with my partner (her father) while remaining attached to me. As a result, both ber biological father and her mother have decided to reset the process of us (myself, and her mothers partner) being around her and reduce time to a few hours a week.
As a result, I'm struggling with a lot of issues surrounding seperation. I feel like I just fully engulfed myself in this childs life taking care of her, and loving her, and being around her constantly and the thought of only seeing her a few days a week creates a lot of sadness and anxiety in me. I would never push for otherwise if it's the best choice for her; but I am experiencing some irrational/rational feelings. I feel out of control because I'm NOT her bio mom and can't be there in the same way or make decisions parenting her, I feel resentment (irrationally) towards my partner for "taking her away from me" (help, anyone relate or know how to deal with these irrational feelings?), and I'm scared of the journey ahead or how to help integrate us into her life in a way thats beneficial (what do you look out for?)
Thoughts opinions and experiences that are related are all welcome. Thank you so much.
I feel like behavior like
I feel like behavior like that is somewhat normal for a three year old. Have her parents been separated long or is this still new to her?
I don't see how resetting the process and seeing limits to how much time you spend with her would fix this since it's her reality going forward. Is that something a therapist recommended? It seems like a strange way to try to resolve the issues.
I think your feelings are normal if you've bonded with her so quickly. Make sure you're careful with how you respond and not lashing out.
If the relationship with her father is still new I'd recommend taking a step back and letting her dad take the lead but I don't think limiting time is necessary.
Her parents have only been
Her parents have only been seperated for about four or six months. It's a very new thing and it's been a short period of time. Her bio mom introduced her partner to her daughter almost immediatly but refers to him as a 'friend'. I don't know how they act in front of her though (which I don't mean negatively, I just honestly don't know).
Neither of them are seeing a therapist right now. It's something that they concluded on their own and decided to try until she shows signs of being less uncomfortable.
I haven't ACTUALLY lashed out yet, I just want to acknowledge that feeling and see if it's usual or unusual. But I will be careful.
Thank you so much for your input.
Wait. What? They’ve been
Wait. What? They’ve been separated 4 months, you met her a month ago, and you are calling him your partner? No wonder she is confused.
He made the decision to tell
He made the decision to tell her that I was his girlfriend. That's the term he uses. I did not force this in any way, shape or form and I'd like to make that clear. I let him take the lead and I am okay with whatever he decides. What would you suggest instead?
Personally? I think people
Personally? I think people should wait at least 6 months to introduce a child to someone they are dating. And hopefully, they have been separated longer than 4 months before they find someone serious enough to introduce. And it shouldn't go from "introduce" to you being involved in her day to day care.
This whole situation seems to be crazy fast. You have been dating, what, 3 months? How can he be your "partner" already? And how can you be so attached to the kid?
So many red flags.
Yes, that's about how long we
Yes, that's about how long we've been dating. Partner is just a term that I use interchangeable with girlfriend. I know for some people it has a more serious connotation, though, and perhaps that's what its coming across as when I use it here. Everyone's definition of it is different. I have read that it is suggested to wait x, y, z amount of time to introduce to the child. But I've also read success stories of otherwise (I'm not saying either is right or wrong, this is new to me). Initially, we were going to wait longer but they got caught in a snow ditch one night and I drove to take them safely home (because there was honestly nobody else to do it unless I wanted them to wait in the snow or drive in dangerous conditions).
As far as being attached to the child, I don't know. I love easily with people that come into my life. I know my intentions when I date someone and how I intend to be comitted to someone; that's just how I am. So that's where that comes in. Her father and I constantly communicate and have a lot of discussion about things.
I'm not offended by what you're saying or being defensive! Just trying to explain.
My SO has a 3 yo daughter who
My SO has a 3 yo daughter who is very attached to me (I spend more time with her than either parent) but still will sometimes cry and say she misses Mommy when she's with us. She will also come to me for comfort instead of SO. Fortunately, neither of her parents think that this "problem" will be solved by limiting her time with me or BM's boyfriend. I can't see how that will do any good at all.
What is the rationale for this solution? Are there particular times/circumstances where the child wants her mother? In our case it happens when she's tired, especially when she hasn't seen her mom for multiple days (they have a 5/5/2/2 schedule). If this was my SO's solution to his daughter wanting her mom, I'd be hurt and unhappy. I'm either in or I'm out, and I won't waste my time and affection on a relationship where I'm excluded or limited.
My SO's daughter at times
My SO's daughter at times comes to me to comfort her as well. I usually tell her (which is what her father said was okay and has given lead to do) that she will see her mom in x amount of days, that both her parents love her, and that it's okay to be sad/feel what she's feeling.
I don't know what the rationale for this solution is, honestly. Just a few days prior to the decision, my significant other and her bio mom discussed being okay with her being around us (the partners) as long as the way we were interacting was positive and healthy then they switched because my SO's daughter was waking up at her mom's house saying she didn't want to go to Dad's so they think it was too quick and are just futzing around trying to figure out what it is? My SO said if she is still weird they'll know it's not that and go back to us seeing her more. I don't know honestly.
It seems like from when I've been here that she usually does it a) when she's tired/before bed b) when she's not getting something she wants c) at the end of the night which goes along with being tired. My SO also has a schedule where he has her three days, then her mom four days, then three days again.
Thank you so much for your input and being validating. I really appreciate it. I also feel like an in or out person and I think it does hurt my feelings a little bit.
The thing I would caution
The thing I would caution against is your feelings for her. A lot of people come here saying they loved their stepkid "like their own", until they actually had their own child and realized how different that bond really is. Or, they are close with their stepkids until some point at which the skids turn against them, for whatever reason, and that relationship is lost forever, very painfully.
I'd try to get a grip on that piece going forward. Fine to care about her, but guard your heart.
What your saying is
What your saying is completely fair and I do appreciate you saying so. I don't have my own biological children, and I don't know if I ever will although I've always had a lot of maternal feelings towards children and had to raise my younger brother due to parental circumstances within my own family. I have been contemplating a lot though how it's probably easier to feel that love now when she's so attached and happy with me versus what it might be like when she does "turn against me" or we hit hardships.
Very wise advice, thank you again.
Chill
I feel like, after only a "month or two", you might be taking things too quickly with this kid. I birthed my DD and it still took me a couple months to feel this maternal about her.
Its really not a good idea to throw yourself into caring so much about a kid you aren't biologically related to. You'll only get hurt in the end.
I appreciate your input, and
I appreciate your input, and I'm hearing what you're saying. I am sometimes wondering in my head if it's too quick or not. I am the type of person that is very comitted and loves easily. Is there something you think will hurt in the end more then another thing?
Well
She's not your kid or your brother or anything to you. You've had play dates with her part time for 2-ish months and you're already coming unglued that her bio parents think maybe she needs some space from you. I think you are going to be what hurts you the most. I'm not sure what triggered this extreme maternal instinct in you about this kid but that kind of thing sets off alarm bells in western society. TBH, if someone talks to my DD for too long, I start edging in. You're basically a stranger and have no reason to be all up on someone else's kid so much.
I disagree
with what mom and dad decided to do. Toddlers pick favorites. They just do. And those favorites change frequently. I work with Kinders and the same thing happens. They get attached, they cry for a parent, they want one teacher to do everything with them, and so on.
Both parents need to spend some time looking into normal child development because these behaviors are 100% normal and aren't going to get better with them taking away her current favorite person. She might get resentful and amp up the negative behaviors.
Thank you for the experience
Thank you for the experience shared about the children you work with. One of my friends said that it was natural for favorites to be picked on and off. I had also read a few things too that indicated that. I'll keep that in mind. I encourage my SO to read things. I don't know what her bio mom does though. She seems and I've been told is a good mother and really loves her child though, so she might already be reading into it!
You said this
You said this applies to both you and the BM's partner? Essentially the child got excited about a new person or persons and then got used to them. And then she exhibited some new behaviors as 3 year olds are pretty much programed to do as soon as you think you have a handle on what they like and don't like. Nothing even slightly surprising. What is surprising is their reaction in using this as an excuse to shut out their respective partners. Sorry but I would suspect potential stirrings of jealousy/hope of reconciliation or at least consideration of it from one of them and the other not wanting to rock the boat by firmly shutting them down. Their explanation of why your time is being limited just doesn't make sense.
Yes, it's being applied to
Yes, it's being applied to both myself and the BM's partner. They both agreed to create a limited time with us and their daughter every week being only a handful of hours once a week and specifically making sure it's a fun activity like going to the movies, or the park, or taking a walk. Versus just being at home, I guess. I don't know what the BM has been doing with her partner but my SO and I have her at home and I usually play with her all day but also get her water/, we sit down for dinner with her, etc. It's a little more 'lived in' for lack of a better word.
It did occur to me to wonder if the BM is getting jealous, or if there's something suspicious is there. They had discussed several days before how they were okay with what was going on between the partners/I and then the BM called my SO and told him that their daughter was saying she was "afraid" to go to dad's house and THEN they decided to cut back our time.
So I wondered if she made it up.
I don't want to question their parenting or overstep their boundaries so I just feel a little hurt and helpless about it.
The child being
The child being suddenly and mysteriously "afraid" is at the top of page 2 of the BM Handbook. And the father not requiring her to substantiate the claim or even questioning it is major red flag that he sees nothing wrong with her calling the shots in his house.
Would I be wrong in assuming that they do not have a formal custody order but rather "work it out between themselves?"
I thought it was a little
I thought it was a little unusual for her to be "afraid". As stated, she was being a little off with her father to an extent but saying she was afraid seems like a reach for what she was expressing to him/us. You are right in assuming that. Their divorce still hasn't gone through because she refused to sign the papers and now it's in the legal process. There's no formal custody order. It's just 'between themselves' and she's been unwilling to give him fair time, takes away his time, and is a little selfish about things.
And he doesn't
And he doesn't want to file for a formal custody order because it will just make things worse, she will soak him for child support, and if he just gives it time everything will calm down and be fine?
Please please please don't take offense to this but your situation is one that we have heard hundreds of times. Every single one of us comes here convinced that we are the only person to have ever been in our particular set of circumstances only to find out that there is nothing unique about them at all. There are different twists and personalities of course but essentially there are basic variations on the guilty/indulgent daddy, the angry/vindictive BM, the entitled/damaged skid, and the meddling/pro-BM inlaws. The recently separated guilty daddy still "working things out with the ex" is a creature best viewed from a distance. He should have a temporary tattoo on his forehead warning nice women to stand back at least 6 feet. I suggest that you proceed with caution and read on this board while you are deciding if this relationship is something you want to take a chance on.
He doesn't have the money to
He doesn't have the money to file for custody, right now, is what he says. He lives with his mother atm while the BM has stayed in their house and they're sorting things out. I think he's still lost in the process and what to do/how to approach it. Honestly, I feel like he's not as proactive as he should be...but I worry that's just my projecting because if I were in his situation I'd be more proactive.
I'm not offended. I respect being told what you are saying. In other situations in my life that are difficult, I've found patterns and seen behaviors bteween personality types. I'll peruse the boards and see what I can relate to.
stardust, welcome to Steptalk
stardust, welcome to Steptalk.
What i see is problematic is:
Your boyfriends ex is punishing the child by removing time with dad. THAT should be stopped right away by what ever means possible. If going back to court is necessary then so be it.
A child does best when he/she experiences the two homes with two different dynamics post divorce, equally. DAd should not be so quick to agree with mom limiting his time with his daughter. Usually a movment such as BM has pulled IS behind the vail of what is really going on... but the bm shift blames making it out to be about the 'child'. Goal generally is limit dads overnights to increase child support award. BM can try as she will to say the child is confused, or child is blah blah blah. So can dad about bm's new boyfriend.
Sad but true. I have watched and read the same stories unfold for close to 20 years.
You must really look at this dynamic for what it is,,,right now, bm is playing. Looking forward it only gets worse IF not corrected asap.
I understand your feelings towards boyfriends daughter. Tread lightly, step back and protect yourself. This could turn very bad very quickly especially if the little one praises you in front of bm. I suspect she already has told mom...stardust is SOOOOO nice to me, i really like her.
PS moms infidelity is not
PS moms infidelity is not important. What goes on at dads house is up to dad. What bm's does in her own house is up to her.
READ parallel parenting ... Google Mr Custody Coach parallel parenting.
GoodLuck