Confused, need so advice or someone to talk to
Hi everyone
first time poster, first time mother to a 4 month old girl and two step kids, 2 and 3 both almost 3 and 4 by one month.
Little bit of a long story but I’ll try keep it short. Met my partner in November 2017 and we had a baby in September 2018, fast I know but I loved him, still do.
he had lost his kids when we met, x wife took off with them and then dumped them on him when she burnt all her bridges and had no one to watch them so she could meet men and drink. Great mother I know, sees them on special occasions and only calls every two/three months.
All was great between me and his girls from the moment we met, even when bubs came along, they were so excited.
Now, the 3 year old hits me, won’t listen to me and gives me attitude all the time, 2 year old is following suit, both think it’s hilarious. Recently my partner and I Alamos broke up because of his kids, I was watching them nearly everyday plus bubs and the girls attitude was just getting worse. So he signed them up for day care 4 days a week, great. I can take some time away from them and spend it bonding with bubs without all the distractions and anger that I was building up.
they have been in daycare for a week so far, their attitude has not changed, it’s almost like they are making up for lost time, going out of their way to hit me or push the chair I’m sitting on while feeding bubs followed by nasty looks or comments. Their listening has gotten worse too, even their dad is having trouble getting them to listen but all he says is they are tired and just cranky.
I feel even tho them going to daycare was to help me, as well as benefit them, I still watch the clock and feel myself getting stressed and angry at the thought of them coming home. I sound horrible, I know they are young and have gone through a lot but I’m feeling like if I can’t stand it when they are hear how can things work between me and my partner. I’m terrified of what will happen when bubs goes into her own room next door to the girls as if they know she’s there they will go in and torment her, once again the listening part.
as it is bubs can’t be left alone near them, in the bouncer, on her rug for tummy time or sitting on the couch. They actually try to do the right thing but end up sitting on her and pulling her legs and arms and poking her in the eyes and mouth. Hence my issue watching all three on my own all day.
i know I haven’t given a lot of detail and I may have missed bits here and there but I don’t know what to do. Do I leave with bubs and make a go of it with just the two of us or to I stick it out. I don’t like being so angry and worried all the time. Only reason I stayed before was because I love my partner.
They are jealous and insecure
They are jealous and insecure, and probably traumatized about losing their mother. You used to be "Mommy", I'm guessing, now there is a baby who you love more (they can tell, even if you try not to show it), and they are angry at both of you. And they are so young.
It's common here for women to come here saying everything changed when they had their own child and realized how different their love for that child is from their love for the stepkids.
Is the mother jealous too, is she egging on any of this? Does your partner spend time with them when he's home or is it all left to you?
The 2 year old who was 1 when
The 2 year old who was 1 when I met her use to call me mummy but I didn’t encourage it because I don’t want to replace their mother, I didn’t want that drama, plus the eldest use to correct her all the time. I didn’t stop any mother type behaviour, we use to have cuddles and play together but now they don’t want a bar of it. Only contact they give us to hit me.
The mother did try to cause drama at the start, she didn’t want him or the girls until I became a bit more permanent. But she met a new guy, got engaged and now doesn’t care as much.
Iknow they are traumatised, the 3 year old use to have nightmares and say things we couldn’t work out other then it had to do with mummy and her partner at the time. As for loving my bubs more, yea I get that she is my child and I try not to play favourite with them but your right they sense it and it’s not something I can change.
dad didn’t spend much time with them but since our talk and almost breakup he has put in more effort with them.
i feel bad that I feel the way I do towards them currently but considering bubs is my first I’m experiencing all this for the first time and it’s not an easy task being step mum and a mother.
It’s normal to feel like you
It’s normal to feel like you do. Your partner has to step up big time and take over being primary parent in the evenings, not only for you, but so his children build a stronger bond with him. You are not responsible for these children that neither bio parent wants to deal with. Most people would feel the same in your shoes.
I am very sorry you are going
I am very sorry you are going through this- it only emphases how important it is to take time with relationships in which there are other children. That doesn't help your situation though.
It sounds as if DH is trying his best (maybe) and these children are barely more than babies themselves- so the day care is a great idea for all concerned. I would advise you get all the support available because this isn't something that is going to go away.
You need to be aware that in the absence of BM these children need to be nurtured and supported, but at the same time you have to also be aware that BM can re-appear at any time and cause significant difficulties for everyone.
There is no magic wand to be waved here and I hope that you can get the support you need- some of it will be on this site.
Welcome
Also - OP, does your DH have
Also - OP, does your DH have a court order giving him primary custody? If not, BM can just come and go as she pleases. He might want to pursue that. It could lead to BM stepping up and taking more time with the kids, especially if there is a chance she could be ordered to pay child support. At the very least, it gives your DH the ability to set some limits on her.
I suspect she is telling them not to love you or call you Mommy during her limited time with them.
I'm not a therapist, but, to
I'm not a therapist, but, to me, this behavior screams abandonment issues. Some play therapists will see children as young as three. DH, their father, should look in your area for a therapist who can either work with the girls, or work with him on his parenting traumatized children (abandonment is trauma), or work with all of them.
Agree with posters above that if he doesn't have a CO, he needs one yesterday.
This exactly.
This exactly.
These kids obviously have a
These kids obviously have a lot of emotion inside and don't have the words or mental ability to deal with any of it.. so it comes out.. like it's coming out. Even bio siblings can have these kinds of issues. My OSD hated her sister growing up. I think she blamed her for coming along and ruining her "happy family" since her parents split not long after she came along. Then daddy went off to work out of state (his line of work had no choice).. she felt really cheated. To this day she has resentment for both her parents...and her sister.
No co in place as his x
No co in place as his x already dragged him through court after false claims he beat her up, court costs are still being dealt with. He was never charged as for her to dump the girls on him she had to admit it was a lie. So officially she can come and go now as she pleases but she doesn’t have the guts to just show up when my partner is around.
as for help for the kids, if I had much say in that area I would take them myself but his not a big believer in that stuff and feels with time and care, raised by him rather then her they will come good with time. He is very good with them in that respect.
As for my rights to punishment I’ve been told if they misbehave I am aloud to give them a light smack or get involved and get them to stop, doesn’t always work. For instance, 3yr old slapped and pushed the 2 yr old making her hit her head. I took 3 yr old aside and spoke to her about bullying, 5 min later she did it again but I didn’t see, 3 yr old came running to tell me she (2yr old) tripped, 2 yr old came running and said Mia push me. When I asked her why she did it she told me she wants to be naughty.
As for what I do when 3 yr old hits, I give her a light smack and tell her it’s not ok to hit, lately I’ve been ignoring it because I’m getting to the end of my patience. Partner however attempts to put a stop to it, she does get a smack that stings when she keeps it up from him.
i know their age is a major factor and in time they will have better understanding but the issue is how long do I wait. It’s having a negative impact on me and my relationship with their father. As it is I can’t cuddle him or sit next to him without a snide remark from 3 yr old or she mucks up enough to get him away from me.
Try this
Try this
if the child hits you ask them , “What are you doing!”
”Is that okay?”
hopefully the child will know it is not.
tell the child there will be consequences. Stick to the consequence . Remain calm and non aggressive if you can.
I have asked her and she
I have asked her and she knows it’s wrong
same when it comes to her sister, 2 yr old, I say you know it’s not nice to hit your sister and she always says ‘yea it’s naughty’ I ask her does she like it when sissy hits her and she says no.
Ask her every time she does
Ask her every time she does it. Tedious I know but I does work on most children, just takes time and consistency.