I'm pretty sure I'm broken!
Hi All,
This is my first post. I've browsed for a bit and decided to jump in after a long series of bad events!
My everything is telling me to get out of my present relationship, but I feel like I'd be giving up...if that makes sense at all.
I've been in a relationship with my SO for 4 years. He has two daughters (SD12 and SD9). We've had them 50/50 and their mom has been seriously high conflict, but I can turn that off...sort of! BM has been in and out of jail with pill addiction issues. She was arrested last May and we have had the girls full-time since then.
It was fine when we had them 50/50. The girls and I got along great! It was a wonderfully fun and loving relationship. Because of BM's issues there was a lot of drama, and I fought to help them as much as I could...mainly by giving them a normal home. We tried repeatedly for full custody, but the courts weren't having it. We contacted DCF on a few occassions and they did nothing, so we kind of settled into the fact that they would just have to deal with their mom and the mess she was.
I've been taking care of them primarily since the beginning. I've spent the majority of my time trying to un-teach the bad...shoplifting is wrong, most people eat three times a day, dealing drugs to your neighbors is bad, you should never be left alone with strange men,etc. It's sad that this is part of their lives, and I've done everything to be super supportive but some of the things these girls have experienced is pretty damn horrible! I don't even like talking about it! It makes me feel like I'm outside of myself!
Fast forward to last Thanksgiving...BM called during dinner and informed the girls she was getting out. Ironically, BM's mom, the girls grandmother was also here...we have a great relationship! That's when everything kind of hit the fan! The personality changes in SD12 were tremendous! She's become very nasty with me...hateful is probably putting it mildly. Their father has done little to curb it because he was also in a bad home situation in his childhood and he feels he would be taking her voice when he didn't have one as a child.
BM got out in December and is living in a Sober House. SD12 is over the moon with "Mommy's changed" but I still see the same old issues. BM recently went to the school to get SD9 and was tearing us down in front of the whole office...it's makes me livid because I have killed myself to care for SD9...I taught her to read and write!!! She failed Kindergarten, and almost failed 1st grade because BM was conviniced she was autistic or had a learning disability! She did have an issue...her mom was a drug addict and would never work with her!
Now it's gotten so bad that I don't even want to be around SD12. She's hurt me so many times and I don't think I can repair this. Her father has started to help to curb her behavior, but I think it's too little too late. She's out of control. She has been texting boys asking them to date her and how big their "parts" are. She's sneaking out when she stays at her friends house. BM enables this behavior and bought her 3" long purple fingernails...and I just CAN'T with this! She's 12...and I just feel like someone needs to sit on her head!!!
SD12 is super buddies with all of the Sober House people! Goes to meeting with BM...their just the greatest! I'm dog meat! I'm the taxi, the laundry service, the chef...she will give me this super annoying half hug and screech "LOVEEEE YOU" and I already know she's told her mother that I scream all the time and she hates me....
I'm also stuck because I quit a really good job to work in my SO's business...and because I'm so damn depressed all the time I don't even know how to get out of this! The crazy part...I feel selfish and guilty. I feel like I shouldn't hate her, and I feel like if I'm not here it's the last part of normal she has.
Any advice?
Wow. What awful parenting.
Wow. What awful parenting. There are so many layers of wrong in this situation, but at the same time there are aspects we see over and over here so you're not alone.
It sounds as if your relationship is completely out of balance; you're too involved with kids that aren't yours, and your bf isn't involved enough. You've taken on too much of a parental role, and that isnt good for you or the skids.You're everything your SD's mother isn't, and by being involved you're painting a target on your back. Many of us have been in your shoes, and have learned that only when we remove ourselves from the equation do things start to improve.
I recommend you start disengaging, doing a gradual fade back by doing less for the skids and redirecting them to their father. If your boyfriend notices you're distancing yourself, tell him that you being so involved isn't working and is putting unecessary pressure on his eldest. Make it about what's best for the skids rather than yourself, but be consistent in redirecting the parenting to the father.
It is what it is; these kids have two parents (neither of whom would win any parenting awards, BTW), and you can't save them. They are not your responsibility. The frustration, heartache, and resentment you're feeling is due to the imbalance in your dynamic and proof that you're doing too much.
For your own sake, you need to change your thinking, try to detach, and start prioritizing yourself. This includes developing an exit strategy, finding different employment, and pursuing fulfillment and enjoyment outside of your home. Too much stepping can cause depression, so it's very important that you get regular breaks from the insanity. You CAN save yourself; just take it a step at a time. Who knows? Your dream job and a new career may be just around the corner.
I have been disengaging...it
I have been disengaging...it's hard though because I feel like SD12 needs someone to keep tabs on her. For example, last night dearest BM to her to another meeting, and they both got home very late. SD9 was starving, so at 9:30 I'm feeding our leftovers. On the way to school SD12 says she gave a homeless man a $1.00...while that may not sound like a big deal, a man was stabbed to death by a homeless man in broad daylight right in front of a public library.
So, I explained that to her...that within a fraction of a second that could happen to her. That being nice and kind was noble, but the dangers to a child, or anyone is not worth the risk. And, where was BM??? Why does she constantly put her children in harmful places willingly???
I just can't throw in the towel on protecting them...
This is not disengaging at
This is not disengaging at all. And it IS hard, and more of a process or journey rather than flipping a switch.
Let's break down last night:
Again, THESE ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN. When you step up, you either push a bio parent out of the way, or enable the BP to be lazy. Stay in your lane, learn your role, and you'll be happier in the long run.
Another way to think of it is
Another way to think of it is this. When you parent or step into that role, you put a shadow over what DH knows about his kids. Stepping back allows the light to shine on the good and bad of the situation. Make it so bright in your house that DH can't help but see it.
And do use the "stepping back to take the pressure off skids" reason. I used it with my own disengaging. You will get used to it and eventually ask yourself why didn't you do it sooner!
Okay Ladies...but he won't do
Okay Ladies...but he won't do anything and neither will BM! Literally, I'm not kidding you at all!!! When I told him that I wasn't going to monitor her phone anymore or her grades he literally said "I'm not going to check this stuff...if she wants to go get in trouble that's on her"!!!
That's CRAZY! I made him put the apps on his phone and had SD12 help him. I told BM that she would need the apps too...but SD12 suddenly forget all of the login information, so that literally means NO ONE is checking anything, and they haven't for weeks!
I have to drive them to school...no choice there! But, I did make her fold her own laundry today after a complete poop show at the library. I help SD9 because she needs it, and the girl is just a living doll...does everything she's supposed to do, and loves everyone without an agenda! I think that SD12 will see it's easier just to be kind, but the venom in this one runs deep!
By 12yo she is who is going
By 12yo she is who is going to be in all liklihood. Quit fatasizing about her changing and just confront her toxic behaviors. Once you get those at least contained then it is the push for 18 when she can figure the rest out on her own time and her own dime.
Don't sacrifice yourself on the alter of Sparental martyrdom for a toxic Skid. Invest in the one who chooses to be a better person.
Good luck.