I'm officially the latest casualty of BM
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I shouldn't have done it, but I did...I went through SD12's phone and there is was...a whole flock of crap talking about me!!!
Now, I'm well aware that BM has always had it in for me. She has obsessed over SO for 20 years, but has never managed to have him really commit to her.
SD12 and i had a great relationship amd the child has been ripping me to shreds for months, and now I know why...BM!
I'm angry and in a bit of a mess. I really can't believe that this is really going on.
What should I do about this...should I say anything to anyone?
Only thing you can do is disengagement
From SD 12. You are not going to win her over BM. Just don’t do anything for SD, you cook what you want to cook either she eats it or it’s PN&J. Don’t take anywhere alone. Don’t drive her anywhere. Do not spend one penny of your money on her. It’s only going to get worst with her.
I don't want to win believe
I don't want to win believe me! I can't even sleep...I feel like I'm living with an extension of nasty BM!!!
If there were any place for this child to go she would be packing up to go there right this second!
To think I gave two shakes about her...I'm just beside myself right now!
I would tell DH he needs to confront her
If it were me, I would tell DH he needs to call her out for it. So what if you looked at her phone - make an excuse. You can't un-know what you know so don't pretend to. I would not just disengage I'd give it right back to the brat and make her life hell when she is at your house.
Yeah, even though you should
Yeah, even though you should not have been snooping, DH has every right to look through a 12-year-old's phone (and should be with what these girls do nowadays). So tell him, and he can address it with her. BUT, she will just run back to BM and complain that DH was mean to her, etc.
So, there really is no winning in these situations, except to distance yourself and expect this sort of stuff.
I did tell SO at the crack of
I did tell SO at the crack of dawn mind you. She has therapy this morning and I'm going in with her to talk about this.
I had originally said to myself that I should just drop her off at her mother's and let it be, but this is unbearable for me. I have to get it out.
Her mother triangulated her younger sister before, and I didn't give up on her. I will try this and then quit
Her mother doesn't even remember their doctor's appointments even after I remind her continuously. She's too busy making mischief in my house, and feeding negative attention to a 12 year old. BM does not realize what she's doing, but I see it clearly.
To avoid a fight with SD12 I didn't even say anything about therapy. Just started driving there. She must have panic texted her mother because i got a text from BM saying she would get her from therapy and take her to school....she's reporting my actions to her mother for God's sake!!!
There has been more than one
There has been more than one occasion when DH and I have gotten in the car with SS, not really said anything other than lets go. Once in the car, I say hand me your cell phone. He knows better than to tell me no. I let him know that he can have it back when we are done with xyz and he can tell his mom all about it when we are done, but she doesn't need to be a part of things right now.
Disengage from her.
Disengage from her.
When I found out, after 10 years, what my SD really thought about me (when she was 15), I basically stopped being emtionally invested in her AT ALL. DH and I countered the lies BM had told her by telling her the truth, but she is her mother's daughter so I just let it go. She's 27, now, and means nothing to me. I am polite when I see her and I wish her the best (for DH's sake). I don't hate her, but I don't love her, either.
It's a hard pill to swallow but, for me, it was not worth the energy to fight a losing battle. My SD is co-dependent on her mother, so BM's truth will always be SD's truth, even if she knows better, deep down.
Do nothing for her
I found out very quickly that my SS’s hated me and talked trash about me. I knew right then I would never bend over to accommodate them in my life. I don’t buy them anything, I don’t acknowledge them unless they talk to me first, I don’t alter my cooking, schedule or life around them. And you know what....they still found things to complain about. Then they complained I didn’t buy them things or cook them three meals a day . I got the whole “you hate my kids” crap from BM. I don’t care. My BS is launched and doing amazing so now I have all the free time I want. I don’t have to change my schedule around ball games, school, dr appointments or holidays. We still see YSS who is still somewhat a decent human. But I refuse to be treated like crap and then expected to give a poo.
Take pics of BM's crap. Bare
Take pics of BM's crap. Bare her ass with it.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Sit down and review it with your DH, your SD and make it abundently clear that BM is full of shit. One or both of them may attempt to deflect by bowing up on you for surfing SD's phone. She is a minor in your home with degrading behavioral issues and you were looking for information.
There is not a damned thing wrong with that.
Stay the course, confront the toxic. Zero tolerance.
That is not giving up. That is direct effective action.
It's not unusual for skids to
It's not unusual for skids to side with BM, After all, they want to stay on Mommeeeeeee's good side!
Disengage. Treat her like an obnoxious coworker: be polite, but distant.
We just left therapy. SD12
We just left therapy. SD12 shut up and denied what she could. When I whipped out the text messages she still denied. It was 50 minutes of her doing nothing. Indignant as all get out. She could have cared less when I told her that she can like or love all of us without pitting us against eachother, or buying into it.
When we left BM was in the waiting room, and I talked to her about what was going on. It became about how she was this, or how SO was that. She speaks volumns on his life as if she was there. I said it wasn't about them, but how SD12 now treats me...and how BM talking negatively about me effects the entire situation.
In one breath she denied saying anything, and then when I pulled out my phone again she copped to it.
I think it's pointless. Nothing amazing came out of this except that SD12 will be her mothers daughter. They will be angry, bitter, manipulative liars together.
I called SO, and I can tell he's worried this will be the end for us. And, it probably will be in time.
My sister says "I have to give it to you, you keep trying"...I won't anymore! I have to save myself from the drama, because before all of this I had a great life that was happy, with good people in it!
I don't know what the lesson is here...maybe "No good deed goes unpunished"...
I repeat: DISENGAGE.
I repeat: DISENGAGE.
Don't be alone with SD.
Don't DO anything for SD. Not your circus; not your monkey.
Be polite, but distant when you are around her IN THE COMPANY OF YOUR SO.
Resign yourself to the fact that she's a lying conniving little shi'thead following in the footsteps of her mother. You may NEVER have a relationship with her and that's okay.
The truly frieghtening part
The truly frieghtening part is that she will call ME a liar right to my face! It's the most insane thing I have ever experienced in my life! It's reminds me of one of those horror films where she's trying to drive me crazy by gaslighting me!
When BM took SS off of DH's
When BM took SS off of DH's cell plan without telling us, then changing his number and hid it from DH- We had me, DH, SS and BM all on speaker phones trying to figure out why our calls weren't going through. She played along, "his number is the same, let's check the settings, Huh, that is so weird!, I don't know what is happening" - Both of them lying and lying.
Once we found out the truth, BM said "I teach my son to not lie, I will talk to him about this" - DH was like B!tch please, you were on the phone lying and you were behind the whole situation to begin with. -- Of course BM refused to admit that.
You aren't going to be able to reason with her and this is only the begining of the poison you are going to experience. IF you want to retain a relationship, you are going to have to continue going to therapy with her.
What does your SO do?
What does your SO do?
If you refuse to be alone with SD, then your SO will be faced with that fact that his daughter is a lying POS. If your SO believes her, you have another kind of problem which your relationship may not survive.
You have bared their idiot
You have bared their idiot asses with fact. SD's ass was bared in front of a therapist.
Keep up the fact presentation campaign and tolerate no BS from BM or SD.
Save the stuff you have on your phone and document, document, document.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
This is exactly why I’m
This is exactly why I’m getting out of my current situation... I know it will only get worse and this is the BS life I have to look forward to. My son treated my now ex like a true friend and his daughter did nothing but melt down and sabotage whenever I was around. No thank you. Proud of you for taking a stand and hope it gets better.
Etta I understand the hurt
Etta I understand the hurt you're experiencing. Like me, you probably had no clue that your SD felt these things towards you and what hurts more, there isn't much you can do about it (its out of your control).
I remember one day finding a crumbled up piece of paper in the bedroom and it was my H's daughter's handwriting stating that she hates me and hopes that I die. In that moment I was in a state of shock and hurt but what baffled me more was the fact that she hid it so well I never knew or perhaps I missed the signs.
Either way, take care of you and know that peace of mind is priceless. Do not allow anyone that much power over you. Disengage and have absolutely NOTHING to do with her. If your life continues to be chaotic and your H is not making any changes I'd reconsider the relationship with him. Life is too short for all the bullsh!t!
Wishing you well!
I'm so fortunate to have
I'm so fortunate to have found you all. I really thought I was just stuck and no one would ever get what I was going through.
Part of the problem with SD12 is in fact her parents. SO parents out of fear and is reliving his own bad childhood. He has literally said that he wishes he had a voice during his abuse, but he stayed silent. The funny thing is he wants SD12 to have a voice with ME! The person that has done all of the heavy lifting in this relationship for four years!
SO doesn't think it's so cute now since I disengaged. SD12 now takes most of her aggression out on him. She went rapid fire on him for having a couple of beers, and called him an alcoholic.
BM has been a very irresponsible drug addict most of her life, and has no idea how to parent. She's moved into a trailer park, and left both of the girls with the stranger next door. Thank God nothing bad happened, but a few months later, after she got what she could out of the old man, she filed a restraining order.
It was quiet when BM was in jail, but everything blew up when she got out in December.
I left a really good job to work SO's business with him, so I was so scared that everything was collapsing and here I am with nothing! BUT, I went on an interview last week and they called today...I got the job!
I feel like all of this is happening for a reason...we shall see!
I told BM I'm done...it's up to her and SO.
Tonight I will tell SO that I start a new job on Monday, and now he has to cart his kids back and forth to school and put up with the shennanigans all on his own!
BM better get herself out of that sober house and start taking care of her girls! She can stop spending all of her money on shopping and movies every weekend, and get a car!
I'm terrified that this is all going ot be over soon, but I'm thrilled that a good thing happened! The stress level here will be through the roof now that I'm not wiping everyone's butt anymore!
Most of the time, it seems,
Most of the time, it seems, you can't stop these kids from becoming enmeshed with their mothers and following them down their path. They are just too powerful and the kids want their approval too much.
It's hard, but it is what it is - as you said, let SO know he will be taking over parenting, and then disengage from this kid.
You can confront BM until the cows come home and it won't change a thing.
Back off and put yourself first in the scenario.
Congrats on the new job and
Congrats on the new job and glad that you left ALL the parenting to SO. I'm sure he's feeling some of the heat now and hopefully motivate him to "parent" without guilt. Unfortunately he has unresolved childhood issues to work on that makes it difficult for him to properly parent his own.
((HUGS))
((HUGS))
Etta you really seem like a very nice woman. Your intentions consistently pure. Like many of us your heart is in the right place.
Life works in mysterious ways sometimes. As much as it hurts to have read the mean spirited texts, it is good to know about their distorted opinion they share about you.
BM is acting like a "MEAN GIRL" from Jr. High school. She may have a distasteful opinion about you. She crosses the line when she pulls her 12 year old into that. Counselor should address this with bm and sd.
I am sorry....I know how it feels.
SD12 would not be allowed a
SD12 would not be allowed a phone in my house. She could use my phone to call her BM once a day. You need locks on your private rooms. She is most likely taking photos of your house.
With narcissistic people like bio mum
and mini me sd, you need proof. So it was good if you screenshot those messages as proof because for sure they’ll both be “no i didn’t say and do blah blah blah” then out comes your phone screenshots of every message “so you were saying” they’re is no playing dumb then...
i do the same with my husband when i feel he is lying to me and putting me in a vulnerable situation i don’t want to be in and avoid completely. He can’t deny it then and apologises than to pull that shit on me...
hubby always tells me he has nothing to hide but i. Always tell him it upsets me as his wife when he treats me this way
there needs to be boundaries in your home and its your every right to tell the exwife that she does not dictate what goes on in your home and as a mum she should not be teaching her child to be a little devil. Alot of men refuse to stand up to avoid the drama with exwife and addressing various issues and that makes you feel so unsupported
It's over...
Suddenly a realization came to me of how badly I have been treated over 4 years.
At no time have I had my needs taken care of, or even considered. I have supported this home through very rough financial times, fought for two children that had a drug addicted mother and an equally non-existent father. I left my job to make his business better...with no real appreciation for that either.
I have let all of them abuse me. There is no denying this fact. I have let them take gifts from me without so much as a "Thank you", and most of the time there have been complaints of "That's all I get". I have made every Christmas and Birthday nothing short of remarkable to try to offset the many years of horrible holidays. In 4 years I have received flowers twice, and a Fitbit this past Christmas. Not one time have I gotten a birthday cake!
For SO to allow his daughter to speak to me, and treat me with disrepsect is a direct slap in my face. For SO to allow his daughter to lie, steal, and sneak out with NO punishment is nurturing her behavior, and it will only get worse from here.
My home is a mess, my car is a mess, my finances are in the garbage...and it's all because I thought there was hope of having a normal life. I have ended our relationship before because of how SO let BM infiltrate our lives. He has no ability to treat someone well, or to guide his children to respect and appreciate goodness.
They are a mess, and I will let them wallow in it. It's unfortunate that I have to be under the same roof with them, but I have to start my new job tomorrow and get some money in the bank. I have to focus on me, and I will reside in my bedroom until I can leave, or he leaves.
I will never do this again...
I am so happy for you! You
I am so happy for you! You are choosing yourself, which is great - nobody else is! Your new job is the start of getting 'YOU' back. Congratulations on your first step in getting away from this toxic abusive mess!
I am with you, I will never do that again either!
Toxic is the word
I'm so sorry it was bad for you too. I wonder if it magically turns out well for others, or if they endure being last on the list in silence.
Good luck. I'm glad you've
Good luck. I'm glad you've reflected on this and seen the true picture, and that you're taking the steps to protect and love yourself. The future is brighter!
Thank you! I don't know how
Thank you! I don't know how my self esteem got so low, or why I let it happen. The next step is getting me back to a whole person again. I'm in here somewhere!
He took the girls to his
He took the girls to his mother's for the weekend. I fully expect SD12 to come back here and throw jabs every chance she gets. I will throw them out on their ears, I swear I will!
I am thrilled for you. Even
I am thrilled for you. Even as a man I cannot comprehend why any woman would tolerate what so many do in the blended family world.
I would not want my wife to suffer what so man SMoms tolerate from their SOs and the toxic prior relationship crotch dropping.
I'm just going to use this as
I'm just going to use this as my venting space. I don't have anyone to talk to really.
I stayed in my room all day. I made the best of it...got my audible on and listened to some things that will make me be more patient and peaceful.
He left to go get the girls, and I left too. I figured if I stated out until 9 that I would avoid talking more. It worked.
I got up this morning and didn't speak. The new job gave me a day off because of computer problems. He hasn't asked me about it, or said congrats...nothing.
SD9 who is normally very happy and loving didn't even look my way. I said good morning and she pointed out her sunburned face...apparently they saw BM. So, he will be going back to her again. It's happened before...
He's got SD12 as a mini wife for sure. She was running the show this morning.
I will not be angry, I will not speak about any of these things to him..I am better than all of this...i always knew this mess was beneath me...
I will be better soon...