I Don't know what to do!
So a couple of weeks ago I posted that I had enough of the SD(31) and her antics for the last 22 years. I have spent countless hours trying to show her that I simply love her and of course I was constantly the bad guy. Well now aparently she is now telling DH that she is not going to have contact with him or let him have contact with his granddaughter because of me. I did the disengagement and I blocked them from EVERYTHING. facebook, my phone. all of it. I am so ready to scream. DH is on my side saying I don't have to engage with them, but I feel guilty because DH will be hurt in so many ways. DH is a good man and husband, the ex wife was a horrible cheating lying ugh etc. There were actually men that tried to apologize to DH about the past. DH gave up everything for these kids. I feel so lost right now. Any adivce would be helpful. I do not know how to move forward. DO I give in and let her walk all over me or stand my ground?
- hopelessly parked's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
If your DH
If your DH is on your side and supports you then you don't have an issue. He is a big boy and obviously sees his daughter for who she is. That is a good thing. Clearly he loves you and has a good head on his shoulders to boot. You are a lucky woman. Walking around feeling guilty and down in the dumps is kind of a slap in his face. It is basically saying that you know better than he does what will hurt him and that you get to make his decisions for him. You don't. Enjoy your life and show your husband how much you love and appreciate him.
What I did...
I also disengaged like yourself. It was hell for the first year. My DH did not support my disengagement. HAPPY to hear your DH understands, that helps.
I stood my ground solid on my disengagement. My SD also reacted by punishing her Dad. I felt guilty for about an hour. I did not have anything to do with raising my disrespectful SD. These actions are not my problem. They are DH and SD's problem. I do not respond to any of the actions, emotions, or whatever their problems create. My SD is not in my head. If she fell off the earth, I could care less.
Now...this works for me. I show no reaction. They are free to do whatever without me. I am happier, thus our marriage is more peaceful. Being the peace maker for 30+ years didn't work near as well as my letting it go, walking away emotionally, and not caring for the past six years.
With this said, my SD never stops at trying to live in the past, thus she tries to win me back into her evil clutches. It will never happen. I will tell you, my disengagement has put me back in control of my own life, which has given my life back to me. DH does do much better, sees it for what it is, and respects my privacy. It took six years in my case. With your DH's support, you should be able to let your part go.
Stay silent, move forward, give the problem to them to figure out. Stay here and vent when you need. This site saves me.
No, you do not give in. Her
No, you do not give in. Her using her kid against him is HER choice. She is the one hurting him, not you, you are just protecting yourself.
Don't feel guilty for a choice that SHE is making, you are not trying to keep them from having their relationship. She just wants to see how much power she has.
Is she mad that you blocked her? I don't understand why people get so bent out of shape when someone, who they do not get along with or who they don't like, blocks them. So what?
Stand your ground.
You’ve changed the rules of
You’ve changed the rules of the game, so expect your SD to escalate the drama for a bit. She’s no longer controlling you, so she has to retaliate. If yo give in, she wins and you start the insanity all over again.
It’s your DH’s relationship to manage.
Thank you
I appreciate this site more and more. It has been a rocky few weeks, and ALOT of emotions. I just feel bad because I know how much DH loves his granddaughter, I do too, but I just can't take the egg shells anymore. I feel awful because I don't miss SD at all, I miss the pics and conversations with the granddaughter, but nothing else. I knew something was up back in Decmeber at Christmas time, but I let t pass as something that maybe I was being sensitive about. I just feel like 22 years of dealing was enough, 22 years of always being the bad guy, he evil Step Mom, all of it. DH ex wife is just pure evil and I see it in the adult children. The manipulation, the lies, the playing one against the other, God forgive me but I do not miss a single second of the crap. I feel so free from the vile crap and maybe that is my guilt also. DH knows that his ex is horrible, and tried to even keep his opinions to himself fo rmany years, all the while the evil ex was trash talking me, him, my family she did not know, and even my bio son. ugh I feel like this is a vent or me trying to convince myself that it is ok to walk away from all of this garbage.
You're not responsible for
You're not responsible for the skids dysfunctional upbringing and you're not responsible for their behavior now.
My SDs are in their 40's. They acknowledge their mother is a whacko, but the apple does not fall far from the tree. They choose to behave in the same narcissistic, gossipy manner of their mother. As adults they could have had some insight and chosen to act in a more appropriate manner, especially since they think their mother behaves inappropriately, but the drama is just too much fun for them.
Your DH chose to have children with BM. That is on him and I think he recognizes the negative fall out as a result. But you don't need to sign up for abuse as well. Tell him you support his relationship with his kids, but now that they are adults you do not need to be involved.
One of my SD's also tried to use the grandskids as pawns to get her way with her dad. It's a really crappy person who acts like that. It did not work, and she has been punishing him ever since, but he says he is tired of not being treated with respect by her. I have not seen her or her kids in several years. I missed the kids at first, and that has passed because she is raising them in her own image. I have no desire to see them anymore.
Stay away from toxic people, no matter who it is. Support your DH if he wants to talk. That's it.
A few people on this site have mentioned the book "Healing from Hidden Abuse." I have not read it yet, but you may want to check it out since it comes highly recommended.