Can a 7yr girl be this manipulative?
My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years, I have 3 bio children, 4 step children and also raise my nephew so I am the full time mom of 8 children between the ages 2 and 15 ALL living with us full time and we have no children together.
I found this forum doing a google search and I am reluctant to post but I have seen so many others with similiar problems that I could really just use some advice.
To start my SD has always been clingly with her dad, from the moment I met her she was always screaming for just his attention, I thought this was something that she would soon get over but i was clearly wrong as the problem still exist today. When he is home she follows him everywhere, she races to the sofa to make sure she is the one sitting by him and if she isnt she will just stand infront of him or on the other side of him and continue to tell him stories or ask him questions to keep his focus only on her. She follows him to the restroom where she will stand outside the door or near by until he is finished, she goes outside with him when he is working on projects, she follows him to the kitchen, when he is playing on his phone, watching tv, pretty much doing anything at all. She wants ALL of his attention no matter where we are, or what is going on, and honestly he gives it to her. He does attempt to focus his attention to others but it doesnt take long before she works her way in there to take it back.
She doesn't tell me anything that is going on at school ( homework, school plays, things she needs for a party ) ect even though I am the one she see's every single day all day long, I am the one that would have to buy what she needs or plan the parties ect. she refrains from telling me these things and will wait however long it takes just to tell him about it.
Her dad can be working overnights for a week and she will not cry about anything the entire 5 days but on day 6 when daddy is home she cries constantly about everything, so in so did this or that, my feelings hurt, my tooth hurts, I had a bad dream ect ect. and its all fake for her dads attention in which she gets.
I have talked to my fiance about these things many times and even though he says he notices how clingy she is ect. he said that it has gotten better but only because ( I make her feel like she is doing something wrong by talking to her dad ) and that she only cries when he is home because ( she is scared to come to about things when he isnt home ) and none of those are close to the truth, I have told her to get away from the bathroom door and I have called her out for the excessive crying when he is home but I have only done that because I am just fed up with all.
If she does something she shouldnt do and I get on to her or try to talk to her about it he always jumps to her defense right infront of her, no matter what its about, big or small, he defends her about everything even when she wrong or has done something she shouldnt do, and honestly I feel like IF our relationship ever ends it will be because of her, because I wont be able to take her manipluation anymore, or her clingyness or the fact that he takes up for constantly.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
My advice is to rethink your
My advice is to rethink your choice to marry this guy - no way I take care of EIGHT kids, 4 of them for a guy who doesn't support me or back me up.
RIGHT?!
RIGHT?!
Eight children?! Wow you must
Eight children?! Wow you must be a saint. My bf has 6 and I've watched all 6 maybe 3 or 4 times alone in 2 years. Your boyfriend needs a different job. Even if his daughter wasn't manipulative this is way too much for one person. He needs to be home more in my opinion and handle her himself.
My almost 3 year tries to
My almost 3 year tries to manipulate me all the time. Those "crocodile tears" start early! But if they work o get the kid what they want, they don't magically "grow out of it." As long as your husband is blind to her manipulations, she will continue using these methods to get her way. Imagine what this girl will be like at 17 because her dad refuses to treat her like his other kids....
and imagine how much hate and
and imagine how much hate and resentment the other kids will be harbouring towards her and anyone they perceive as enabling her...
The older kids already see
The older kids already see she is the favorite. Kids see/hear more than we give them credit.
It is already happening
The sad part is the other kids already have resentment towards her for this, they know that if she is sitting by daddy that they might as well not even try talking to him because they will be interupted anyway.
My dogs both try to
My dogs both try to manipulate me, sometimes successfully.
Me too. I am totally under my
Me too. I am totally under my dog's spell. And here's the sick part...I love it.
Simple answer: YES.
Simple answer: YES.
And, since your dh is doing nothing about it, it will likely get worse. Can you live like that for the next decade...and likely FOREVER? Seriously try to wrap your mind around that. Everything you are feeling now, and WORSE. FOREVER.
Or until they are in their 60’s?
it never ends if the parent doesn’t recognize or deal with it and then one day, the SD will be 60 and still manipulating (or trying to) her Daddy....it needs to be nipped now especially before the teens hit
Impossible situation
She was clingy at what? 1 or 2, of course. Now she is in a situation where dad is out a lot and the household is full of kids.
Yes they absolutely can be
Yes they absolutely can be that manipulative. I also have an SD7 and she pulls all the same crap, especially the fake crying. Very obvious fake crying that instantly stopped and started sometimes 5 or 6 times a day. I had to tell her to wipe the tears off her face one day last year because she started crying in the car and purposely didnt wipe the tears off so that everyone would ask her what was wrong when she went into the school. You should read some of my blogs because you would probably laugh at the similarities. I'm pretty sure I have one about when she faked having a toothache and ended up getting cavities filled unnecessarily. Did she learn from it? Nope, just used the silver fillings for more attention and thought she was so special that no one else in her class had them.
Yes they can, but 7 yr olds
Yes they can, but 7 yr olds don't understand the emotional impact of their manipulation on others. They absolutely do it to get what they want, but at that age they're only starting to understand the impact of that kind of behaviour on other people. I don't think they even usually see it as manipulation (even though it is).
What she's doing is classic attention seeking behaviour and in a way - who could blame her in a household of 8 kids? Squeaky wheel gets the grease and all that. However, she will continue with this behaviour as long as it gets her what she wants and as long as she's having to fight for attention.
My almost 3 year old also has
My almost 3 year old also has empathy. He threw a toy, it hit me and I was hurt. He immediately understood that he hurt me and he kissed my knee where the toy had hit me. If this kid at 7 doesn't have any empathy or capacity to feel for other's, there are some serious parenting failures going on.
It doesn’t go away
As long as dad continues to give her the attention she craves, it will continue. And probably get worse. I started dating someone when their daughter was this age and doing similar things; including the excessive crying. It never stopped. And she actually would lie about others or start fights with her brother so she could be a victim and get sympathy from her dad. The reasons for crying were so blatantly stupid yet daddy always fell for it. 5 years later I finally mustered up the courage to talk to him about it, amongst other behaviors (tantrums, lying, disrespect), and it didn’t go well. It became very clear that no matter how clearly crappy her behavior was, dad would always find a way to excuse or minimize it. I realized she was always going to SO’s first priority. His mini-wife. I was not willing to subject my self or my kids to an unpeaceful lifestyle, lead by and centered around one poorly behaved kid. As sad as it was to let go, I know I did the best thing for me and my kids. This man was always going to have her on a pedestal and that’s not ok. Truly ask yourself if you are ok with yourself and the other kids playing second-fiddle forever. If dad won’t do anything about it now, it will only get worse.
Your SD is doing what gets
Your SD is doing what gets the results she wants.
I have a 31-year-old SD and this same behavior still works for her. So that's what you're in for.
Your best chance dealing with your fiance is to make it all about his other kids -- that they feel he's not giving them enough attention. Don't even mention the problem kid's name. That will get you nowhere.
So pull this back, stop bringing up this kid's clingy behavior. In a few months, start over with this new approach. I doubt it will work, but it's your best chance.
A 7 year old CAN be that
A 7 year old CAN be that manipulative, if it works. But not all are like that. My stepdaughter is 7 and doesn't manipulate via crying, whining, seeking attention because we're taught her age-appropriate ways to communicate with others, especially when she's not happy about something. She'll come talk to us about it, and if needed, tell us she's feeling lonely, sad, etc. and we'll work through it. 7 is plenty emotionally mature enough to be upfront with how you're feeling if you're raised in an environment where you're encouraged to do so.
Does dad pay enough attention to all his kids? Or do you pay attention to his kids for him? We've found my stepdaughter needs more attention from my husband than me, which is only natural. He's her biological parent and kids crave love/time with their biological parents. My husband understands this and doesn't push his responsibilities off onto me because he knows I'm not what's best for her. He is.
Thank You
Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and comment, I actually tried to talk to her dad about this today, I expressed my feelings on everything and i was pretty firm with how I chose to use my words but it didn't help. He just denied everything. I truly believe that if there is ever an end to our relationship it will be because of issues with her. It saddens me to think about but maybe i need to do some heavier thinking on my future and stop getting so upset and stressed about this all the time.
I always said the same thing
I always said the same thing -- if we divorce, SD will be at the root of it.
You see how things are. She's 7. And he's not that smart. So you can figure this out and out manipulate them.
What I found that helps is whenever you discuss it, never make it about you. Always make it about what's best for his skid. If you make it about you, he has a scapegoat -- you just don't like her or you're jealous.
Good luck.
WEBCAMS!!!! SkidTube the hell
WEBCAMS!!!! SkidTube the hell out of your house and FDH can watch the behaviors of his toxic spawn rather than deflect and gaslight you as the cause of his toxic spawn's problems. He can also watch his own idiocy in defending her manipulative crap.
Sometimes kids are their own problem and their choice of behavior is the problem. Your DH needs clarity. So give him clear, recorded, replayable clarity that his child is a manipulative little shit. And, that he is a coddling, enabling waste of skin parent to this toxic crotch dropping.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Good luck.