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Yet more hell: it's official, the SKs can do no wrong

Tara456's picture

Submitted by Tara456 on Thu, 03/28/2019 - 6:49am

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DH and I have had yet more hideous arguments this week. But a couple arose after I showed just a flicker of discontentment with SS20 after he leaves his crap around everywhere. I long ago disengaged and left it there, DH and I even agreed that I'd just take some deep breaths and leave it there for the toxic brat to clear up.  I've mentioned this before, but DH remained always too scared to say anything to SS20 because of the constant threat of SS20 going bezerk at criticism, leaving the house, not seeing his Dad again for months/ever again, then the rest of the family disentegrates too, which all happened on holiday shortly after we got together. That episode has scarred and scared my DH forever.

What's happened over time is that DH has started clearing up SS20's crap instead of a) saying something b) leaving him to coagulate in his own pigsty mess. I've hated this, have asked DH to not do it, but he is always on about "it's just easier this way".

After SS20 left the kitchen again in a bombsite for us to come back to, after DH and I had cleaned the house top to toe spotless, DH blew up at me for bringing the topic up to him (one sentence.. ).  SS20 then went on to loudly exclaim for half an hour that he doesn't think DH and I are organising the kitchen well enough. He went on and on and on about how we are stupid and not organising this better, how he has good ideas, how he hardly ever leaves anything out.. on and on and on, until I heard DH give in and tell him to organise it however he wants.  I overheard this with my head in my hands in disbelief.  I went for a walk to calm down (not in a huff, just coming calmly down the bombsite kitchen, putting my shoes on, smiling/grimacing, and walking out before screaming to myself round the corner). DH blew up at me when I returned. Why?  Because poor SS20 saw the look on my face, SS20 wondered why I had left and thought it had something to do with him. Poor SS20 was made to feel uncomfortable.  Oh diddums. DH said I ruined the evening, I mustn't show my upset, why can't I just let it go, there are more important things, how dare I etc etc. He went much further, it was awful.

One part that came out of this was that DH was livid at me for "happily watching me clear up after SS20". Hang on. I am not happy about that at all. It makes me sick to watch my DH clear up after his 20 year old man child. It undermines me/us when he does it. It does nothing for teaching SS20 the consequences of his actions. It does nothing to help the family work together. I find it humiliates my DH and it sickens me. I am not happy at all. But he shouted that I should help him. WTH?!

So we're back to the fact that SS20 can do no wrong, and DH says he just wants an easy life and peace. If that means he and I run around like SS20's personal slaves, he actually said that's fine with him because we should be focused on more important things. I cannot make him understand that the relentless mess that very cunning SS20 does, and the way he very secretively takes the best of everything for himself and with almost psychopathic cunning rearranges things in the kitchen so he doesn't have to tidy up after himself/unload the dishwasher, it isn't just about the damn crockery: it's about contempt, about disrespect, about deceit, about the highest level of selfishness I've ever seen. It cuts me to the core. And DH says he doesn't care. He actually doesn't care.

I will not be SS20's slave. I will not clean up after a 20 year old man. Rock and hard place. I just don't know what to do next.

 

 

 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Submitted by dysfunctionally... on Thu, 03/28/2019 - 8:03am

There are some arguments that are just not worth it. And this may be one of them.

I do have to say - why is this adult child still living at home? My priority would be pushing him out into the real world, but putting that aside.

If your DH wants to pick up after his grown child then so be it. Let him. Why care WHO is doing it as long as it is getting done. His kid, his shitty parenting. Not your problem.

You may have to figure out a way to let this one go. 

However you DO have the right to react any way you wish in your home without a tyrant turning it into an argument. If you show discontent that is your right. In this case I would remind your DH that his control over your feelings is unnecessary and one and done. Next time you won't be so understanding. 

Tara456's picture

Submitted by Tara456 on Thu, 03/28/2019 - 10:36am

Without going over the nightmare..

SS20 lives with us whilst he hangs around until uni in September. He goes from his mother's to ours for months at a time, using up all the goodwill, or until she and her husband have had enough of him. Then he leaves here when he doesn't like the atmosphere because we've had enough of him. Back and forth.  He's with us now because we have more equipment round the house that he wants to use and it's rent free. 

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Thu, 03/28/2019 - 8:16am

Make plans to leave - but for God’s sake in the meantime  stop trying to appease these aholes. Remove your filter and tell them when they do something wrong - but no yelling or cursing. Be calm and civil but clear. 

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Submitted by Myss.Tique D'Off on Thu, 03/28/2019 - 8:59am

Someone needs to leave. Either it is SS or you. There is no way I will be letting a 20 year old - or anyone for that matter - tell me what to do in my own home.

Why does your husband want this abusive filthy child in his home - at your expense? Your H is obviously putting you second to his child and this does not sit well with me at all.

This is really no way to live because you are being disrespected by  a kid who thinks he can call the shots and a scaredy-pants husband. It would not take much to diminish my respect for both. Please, see if you can change this by getting rid of the kid or leaving your H. I am not one to say toss out the skid or get divorced, but your domestic situation would be unbearable for me to cope with. I divorced my H when it came to constant disagreements about his daughter - and she didn't even live with us.

Monkeysee's picture

Submitted by Monkeysee on Thu, 03/28/2019 - 9:09am

Why do you stay with this man?

You're not allowed to show emotion because it upsets poopsie SS20? That's insane. I'd be planning my exit, or kicking them out. Life's too short.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Thu, 03/28/2019 - 10:26am

DH got incensed that I wasn't looking at the skids. Especially during dinner. (They have middling table manners and only like bland, highly-processed foods so they make faces at things that are served. I don't want to see that so I didn't look.)

I accidentally looked at a skid one night (I think he sneezed or something and I just happened to glance at him). Then DH got incensed that I looked at the skid wrong.

It didn't matter which I did, I was wrong. And it wasn't that they skids even said anything about how I was, it was his perception. To him I am the evil stepmom even when I am the mute and blind stepmom.

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Thu, 03/28/2019 - 7:20pm

You he wants an easy life so he does the cleaning up after ss just so there is no drama

for the 1st 3 years of my marriage thar was hubbys excuse for every ss  issue, every family issue it was always “i don’t want to argue or fight, i’m tired of that, everyday of marriage to exwife was hostility and fighting and drama and he wants to live comfortably. He wanted an easy life”

so i told him off this was at my and our 2 kids expense. He put his family (siblings, nieces feelings) higher up compared to me when they came to our home very disrespectfully and treated us with no respect all because he wants an easy life, a happy life and no drama... so i said “SCREW YOU!” You’re meant to be my husband and father to our kids and there to support and protect us but you’ve thrown us under a bus everyday telling us to take and accept this unnecessary shit and disrespect all because you don’t wanna man up and address the issues so what kind of a man does that make you? Pretty sure i called him a pus*y and that hit his manly ego wrong, he started addressing things and standing up for us more.

i as the stay at home mum and housewife, i do my kitchen as i see fit. Ss20 treats home like a pitstop so if his toaster is full of green mould because the lazy shit couldn’t be bothered throwing the crumbs then i throw it. He does not tell me what i can or can’t do in my own home or kitchen

These issues must be addressed especially if you have other kids living at home like i do, because if as per curious georgetta you shouldn’t control what or tell your husband what he should tell or lecture his son to do.... well she isn’t a stepparent and us stepparents here know all too often how clueless our spouses/partners are at setting rule and basic expectations for their kids and house rules so you are well within your right to tell your husband how you feel things should be and that the way he and you are treated by his kids are wrong.

this is even more important if you have kids yourself or other kids living there or everyone will treat stepmum and dad as the toilet cleaner...

i even 1 day with a newborn daughter refused to clean ss17 dishes. He ran out of clean ones in the sink dish rack and you’d think ok he’ll finally wash them. NOPE! He proceeded to the kitchen cupboard and got new ones. Oglh boy didncldaddy cop so much that night i bloody lost it