graduation problems

So my stepson is graduating high school this year and going off to his first choice college. He has kicked butt in school, tons of ex-curricular activities, AP classes, he receives scholarships, etc. We have literally paid for every school club fee, every suit he needed for competitions and everything related to school to SAT books to the gas he uses in his car to go to school. The ex wife/mom is perpetually "broke" (she intentionally doesn't work past 2 pm, so yeah, if you only work 2 hours a day, I'd be broke too, but that's another story for another day).....but she's always crying broke, the stepson doesn't ever bother anymore to ask her and for our peace and sanity, we stopped trying to "split" things with her, cause it just wasn't worth the arguing to our mental health. A friend asked me one time if she was 100% not in the picture, like she was in jail or something like that, would we do anything different for him and the answer was no....So that's why we just opted out years ago of the drama to split $25. Now, big things are always up for discussion....but when it comes to school activities, those are what we have categorized as a "need", as it's for his future. His "wants" are always up for discussion. Anyways, my step son's mom has called shotgun/dibs however you want to call it,on the post graduation ceremonies. She told the stepson, but hasn't bothered calling my husband to discuss.

Of course my husband is infuriated. I mean, even for emotional support, my husband is always there for him, with college applications, mulling over what major to choose, etc. The step son rarely has these conversations with his mom. Of course when she said that to the step son, he didn't want to get in the middle and told her to just call dad. Which is the right thing to do....but a part of me is still annoyed. Like if we tried to hijack thanksgiving or Christmas and only told the kids, he'd tell us straight up....that's unreasonable, I have to split the day. (We've always split major holidays in half - they spend half the day with each side) - and still likely tell us to call the other side. He's 18 now....and not a 10 year old kid facing divorce issues for the first time and at the mercy of where/when his parents transport him to the other parent. He drives now and when he starts college, it only gets harder. I guess a part of me is disappointed that he isn't giving credit where credit is due and not standing up for what's right. He basically told the father that it was fine if he had to celebrate with us the following day...like we were getting scraps. And that's not cool for the level of involvement we've had over the years I get that kids aren't fully cognizant of others' needs per se, esp as a teenager. But I still attest that if we pulled that stunt on Christmas or Thanksgiving, he'd say something then. I'm cool with the mom doing a lunch thing and us doing a dinner thing. She told the step son that she was "planning on inviting us" to all celebrate. We've never done a "mixed" anything over the years and if you knew the history, you'd understand that it's better for everyone to not deal with the tension that is there when both parents are in the same room. Of course if it's something like one of them is getting married...of course you set aside your differences. We will all attend the ceremony together (likely not sitting next to each other)...but obvously attending at the same time. But we've split every other special day in half, I don't see why this is any different! Just so frustrating!

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If she's always broke, my

If she's always broke, my suspicion is that she wants to invite you to the party so that you can end up paying.

Personally, I'd gladly give her the day of graduation party. I'm so tired after sitting through the graduation I really don't want to host a party. Plus if you split the day, SS really doesn't get to spend quality time with anyone.

Skip the mixed party. Do your own. Pick a day after the graduation that works for your family and hold your party then. Graduation parties do not have to be on the actual day.

SS sound like a kid with a good head on his shoulders. He wont mind having two parties (if hers ever materializes).

HS Graduations

It is somewhat tough to split the day, as the graduate frequently has to be at the ceremony hours before it starts. I do know some divorced parents that have one do lunch, the other do dinner. For a lot of kids, the parent getting the dinner is no great bargain as even a well behaved graduate will be looking at his or her watch, hoping to skip out and meet his freinds. I do hear your frustration about you and DH bearing the fincancial burden and not being able to deal with his mom, but given how difficult that is, I would not expect him to fight with her either.

Maybe your stepson doesn't

Maybe your stepson doesn't view graduation as a big deal that's worth making a fuss over. In my family there's myself and two sisters. My oldest sister went to her graduation and we all attended, but didn't do any post-graduation festivities. I didn't even go to my graduation because I didn't want to, and my other sister didn't go because my cousin got married the same day and we all went to the wedding. Maybe it's just my family, but we didn't view HS graduation as a big deal. It wasn't even on par with Christmas, which happens every year.

I'd let the BM do her thing right after the graduation, and plan whatever you want to do for a different day. Around here, those who have big graduation parties rarely do it on the day of graduation, and in many ways it's easier to plan without having to work around the ceremony itself.

We are having a separate party

for my SD when she graduates high school this year. It will be a couple weeks after the actual graduation ceremony. I am inviting her friends, couple of her friends families, DH and my family. BM IS NOT INVITED. I don’t give a flying fark what Skankula does for her, I REFUSE to have her participate in a party she ain’t gonna help plan, pay for, and have her and weird ass family come and eat all the food and drink and not contribute a dime. Not when Skankula hasn’t helped, supported, or barely come to any event of this girl’s in the past seven years.

Seems like, in these

Seems like, in these situations, boys feel sorry for their "poor victim" mother (that's how she portrays herself) and have trouble standing up to them because of that pity/sympathy they are so good at generating in their offspring. So on some level (maybe even a conscious one, at 18), SS thinks/knows that Mom needs those "first dibs" for her well-being and that your DH is the stronger person, and also the one who isn't going to make a giant stink about it and make him feel guilty.

BM in our situation has gone so far as telling my SS19 that he is "betraying her" if he doesn't go along with everything she wants. He's responded to that by just letting her absorb his entire being and he no longer has any sense of self beyond what she tells him he wants and should do. At least your SS seems to be making his own way.

Honestly - it's well past time for DH to talk to him about this stuff. I bet he will find that SS says, "I know, Dad, you pay for everything and have always been there for me, but I just feel sorry for Mom." And then DH can talk to him about some of that and how to separate himself from what his mother needs.

Yep my thoughts exactly. The

Yep my thoughts exactly. The BM in my life is like this and since my mother is also like this I have a lot of sympathy for SSs when they cave in to her wishes. At our house we're pretty reasonable because we want to be. So yeah, it's always easier to cater to BM's tantrums.

Agree that this kid is doing fine

And fine for dad to talk to him, BUT I disagree with one parent discussing how to seperate from other parent. It's fine to say, we want fair time with you. But if the kid wants time with him other parent, nope, not right to encourage seperation. That is a slippery slope. Focus on what is between dad and kid, and what kid is doing. Leave mom out of it.

I think you are wrong. He

I think you are wrong. He needs to help his son sort this out as he would anything else.

Just let the kid spend

Just let the kid spend Graduation with his mom. It is SOOOO much nicer to plan a dinner or party OR what ever you want after all of the craziness.

BM can have her excessive party and you and dh wont have to pay 1cent for it

Plan your own event.

I just dont understand what the problem is. And YES I am a bio of kids who have graduated.

Its NOT about what you, bm or dh have done (or not) for the kid----its about the kid finally graduating High School. Thats IT.

Keep life simple....

^^^exactly^^^ letting GO of

^^^exactly^^^ letting GO of the rope is sooooooooooo freeing.

She sounds like a narcissist

Which means her supposedly inviting you will be for you to witness her in front of everyone screaming for joy and rubbing it in your faces her taking all the credit that ss succeeded at school and did well and is going to a great uni. Ss will be caught in this knowing its a lie and not being able to do anything

my mum was a narcissist and pulled this crap, it was to keep attention on her and make her appear better than everyone else and she lied to get there

I have a lot of thoughts:

1. I’ve taught Seniors for years. They just want to get through graduation, as we all do, and then go to who ever’s throwing the biggest party. That’s what he’s thinking-not this is a special moment for my parents and family. It’s really as simple as “Thank God I’m done with High School” for 98% of them.

2. IF (big, big IF) BM manages to actually throw a party, she will invite you so you will help pay for it. She told SS she is inviting you to win him over on taking the day from y’all. In his eyes he sees it as “finally BM is contributing and Dad/SM don’t have to do all the work.” Even if we all know BMs always have alterior motives.

3. I would ask SS if he wants y’all to also throw him a party. Some kids don’t want it. His mom is already making a big deal out of it so he might just want to do a low key dinner with y’all. Ask yourselves: does HE want a grad party or do YALL want to throw him a grad party. Sometimes the answers aren’t the same.

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