I don't think it's that nothing will ever be enough for you. It seems more like everything is too much for you. Why are you the one  "keeping the house cleaned, doing bed times, school drop offs, dinners, carpools, tantrums, all while working a full time job a 1.5 hour commute away?" You know that you and BF have incompatible parenting styles - you don't even want kids. You are being forced into a role (parent) that you don't want.  Why should you have to change who you are?  What are you getting out of this relationship?

Yeah, I don't get why you are doing all this stuff. I do stuff for my steps, but they are only EOWE and my son is here 4 days in 7 and my partner does loads for me parenting wise. So it makes sense that I would. Also I can't not be a parent when his kids are here because my son is usually also here, but you should just be in the role of fun aunt/ person who lives in the house too so also enforces household rules. 

Per my counselor the other day “he isn’t going to change his parenting style and you can’t live with it”. You shouldn’t be taking care of his kids ever, that’s his job. F that noise. You are not their parent. You aren’t even their step parent and even then you shouldn’t be doing this stuff. 

Also, no matter what the question is, the answer to being with someone with kids is always NO, RUN! You think it’s bad now, get married, it’ll get much much much worse. Don’t ruin your life like so many of us have. Just browse this site for proof. 

I'm sorry you're having a tough time :(. Why do you have to be in a parental role? You can set a boundary with your partner by telling him you would prefer to take a step back and have him do the parenting. Plus, you two can't agree on how to raise the kids.  They also have an involved mom. Why would you want to parent his kids when you don't even want your own?

To me, parenting style is one of those fundemental character traits that have to mesh. Step-parenting is 100X harder!! You are in the home but only have so much actual authority and control. You can't really "fix" anything that the bio parents are ok with. So you just have to deal with it. 

If you are constantly feeling anxious and depressed, this isn't the right relationship for you. It is also better to walk away sooner than later. The longer you drag it out the harder it is on the kids. It won't be an easy situation but it will be the right one. Everyone deserves to have peace in their own home. 

Dating for a year and a half before meeting his kids, means that you really didn't know what you were getting into and you weren't getting to know the real him. Big mistake.

Not to mention the relationship I'd known (no kids) had completely changed. 

He was a divorced dad but it was like you were dating a single, childless man. Big difference.

I understand not meeting someone's kids immediately but he did a bait and switch on you. He should not have expected you to be committed without all of the facts, which included his family dynamic and his expectations.

YOU should not be doing all of this stuff for his kids, HE should be.

I told him how unhappy I am and that i don't know how to change and he said that nothing will ever be enough for me. I'm scared it's me

Trust me, it's not you. You may think that he deserves a partner who enjoys co-parenting with him, but YOU deserve a partner who is honest and up front with you about what he wants in a relationship and who takes your wants and needs into consideration.

It's not you, he just wants you to think that it is.

"Nothing is ever enough for you."

What a load of unmitigated BS. This man should be bowing down at your feet in gratitude for everything you're doing and everything you're willing to give up for him...and instead he's trying to guilt and gaslight you into thinking that you're the problem? 

It is absolutely "fair" to the girls for parenting styles to change when a new adult is brought into the equation. I'm sure their mother's parenting style is different. When they're at school, I guarantee you that different teachers have different classroom management styles...and they are expected to adapt. The teachers don't cater to them. 

Why is your BF assuming that everyone's comfort in the household matters except for yours??!! Why are you going along with this assumption??!! 

This is one of my big pet peeves with blended families and something that makes me feel so bad for new stepmoms. I often see people saying some version of: "Well, this is how they always did it before and no one had a problem with it..." 

This is always said as a way to diminish or completely dismiss a stepmom's legitimate concerns. The implication being that before "she" came along, everything was great and no one had any problems with anything. Of course, implicit in this kind of statement is the very unfair and disempowering assumption that the stepmom's needs and preferences don't matter...carry no weight in the household. 

That's not how it should be. We wouldn't let this fly in any other scenario. Imagine feeling frustrated that your new husband goes our drinking and gambling with his buddies every night, throws his socks all over the house, and spends his entire weekend watching football while you clean. Do you think that if you complained about this to him, your family and friends, or a therapist...you would ever in a million years hear: "Well, that's how he always did things before and there was never a problem..." 

Of course not, because everyone knows that there is supposed to be compromise in a relationship, and that will naturally entail changing some things about how you lived your single life. This is what it means to be married. That's what it means to welcome any new person into your household...the people who were there "before" adjust their expectations and routines to make room for the new person. When a new baby is born, the parents don't continue to party every Friday night because that's what they always did "before" this little intruder came along. Their friends don't give them crap about it, either...everyone understands the basic principle of making room for newcomers in your life. 

So why do stepmoms not get the same basic assumption and respect? Why are we treated like no one should have to do anything to make room for us and our needs? It is literally illogical and incredibly hurtful.

To answer your original question...yes, you should leave. Put this toxic, selfish person in your rearview mirror and go enjoy your life. I don't care for and create space for people who refuse to make any room for me in their lives...and neither should you.  

And, yes, you should go. This is not the relationship, nor the situaiton, nor the man, for you.

So everyone is always full of helpful information... my sister sent me a graphic of the "emotional cup" yesterday... Saying SD6's was probably empty so that's why she's acting out so bad and I need to help her fill it up... I very simply responded, that it may be. But she gets love, attention, help, I sing to her at night, DH does the same when he's home, but I can't do anymore. I literally have hit my limit. Seeing that graphic made me realize that MY emotional cup is DEAD empty. I've given and given and given. And while I'm taking back more for myself now (which is helping). I've given so much it's going to be a while before my emotional cup fills up.I let it completely bottom out, then left it there for AGES.

It sounds like honestly you've done the same thing. YOU NEED HELP. Your DH needs to step up and do MOST of those tasks you're handling. You need to do more for YOU. Take yourself back and remember who you are.  I can't even count how many times I called my "not to helpful" family in tears because I felt like I was losing myself. Because I felt like I was emotionall dried up. I felt alone, even on days I wasn't. I just did. I know you want to take care of things, but you also need to remember that YOU have to take care of yourself and "fill up that emotional cup." 

As stepmoms it is SO EASY to forget ourselves and absorb ourselves into the every day activities, To "step-in" too far. I mean he!!, EVERY "normal" mom needs help from her husband! When you're a stepparent dealing with everything else? Your DH needs to step it up and be there!!! You deserve that! If he can't do that. PLEASE don't let yourself get lost. My Dh is stepping in more and helping and it's a lifesaver. But it's hard too. I'm having to learn to be a little bit selfish sometimes, figure out who I was/am. It's so easy to lose yourself to what's going on, and once you take a stand and your DH is by your side, it's hard to be YOU again and figure out who YOU want to be.

Don't let it go on any longer. You honestly don't seem like you have anythign else to give. Take care of you, whether that's staying and getting the help you need, or getting out. Just find out what's best for you and don't let yourself run on empty any more!

You have been gaslighted into believing that everyone deserves better ... except you. Stop thinking like that immediately. Youi deserve so much more than this.

You've been had. He didn't introduce you to his kids for a year and a half for a reason and it wasn't that he was protecting them ... he was waiting until he was sure he had you hooked. 

He is not a great parent if he guilt parents and indulges (as you said he did). That isn't parenting. Not is handing all his responsibility over to you. You are not their mother and you should not be looking after them as if you were. He's the one who should be doing the "bed times, school drop offs, dinners, carpools, tantrums" because he is their father, dammit! This is not your responsibility! Stop doing all of this. Also, why are you the one who is doing all the cleaning? There are four of you living there and all of you can pitch in. A home is a shared responsibility! Oh, and who do you think took care of all this stuff before yoiu moved in? He did, of course. He is treating you as an unpaid nanny and maid. Are you still sure that he deserves better?

For the sake of your own sanity, I'd move out (I'm assuming youi moved into his home). There is nothing stopping you from continuing to date him but you need your own space. You said it yourself that you didn't want children. Find yourself a nice peaceful place that has a shorter commute for you and let him go back to being a real parent.

If by "some one who enjoys coparenting", you mean someone who will just go along with everything your bf wants, then I suspect he's not going to find that. Also, what happened to compromise? No one is going to enjoy going along with a dictator, so put that out of your head right now.

I can completely relate to your situation. My SO is stubborn and wants to parent how he wants to parent. We have different parenting styles. The only thing that saves us is he is willing to compromise for me. He has changed many things that I just couldn't stand. If he wasn't open to doing that, I would probably be gone. Don't get me wrong, I had to take a hard stance of "this changes now or we will not be together anymore", and it wasn't easy, but it did result in changes. No one wants to live in a situation where they feel they don't have a voice, or their opinion doesn't matter.

Although there have been times I wasn't sure we would make it, almost solely because of skid issues, I'll tell you what saved me: Letting my SO handle almost everything for the skids. Dr. Appt's, school, homework, punishment, most meals...I only help if he really needs me to give them a ride, or if I feel like cooking. He does the rest. I don't clean up after them, we have a chore chart or I tell him or skids if something needs to be cleaned up. If he wants to be the one in charge so bad, I will gladly let him be the one in charge. But stand up for yourself! Put yourself first. If you want to continue trying, think of how this situation could be better for you (like you stop caring for his kids!), and make that happen. No one else is looking out for your happiness except you, so it's up to you to take a stand.

If your SO doesn't care to make compromises for your happiness, then this is not the guy for you.

If hubby was a disney parent, no authoritative parenting style or discipline and basic standards/expectations at home that we can’t expect ss20 toever change as he never was expected to behave this way before so its like people saying they get a free pass

i believe families are continually evolving, blended or not.... if parents have more kids, the dynamics change so what skids before were allowed to do and now have been told they need to be respectful, pick up after themselves, contribute to chores as they are older and they need to be productive human beings is perfectly reasonable. 

Unfortunately this isn’t reasonable for skids who have had a free pass through life, who never did it before because mummy and daddy were disney parents. Add in your partner/spouse who is likely a disney parent, refusing to enforce basic boundaries/discipline and expectations at homes, ettiquette etc, your disney parent likely makes excuses for their appaling behaviour and attitude (stupid ones), disney parent is enabling and encouraging the appalling behaviour to continue, further contributing to the destruction of harmony that should exist at home which just makes you resentful.

i’ve been there many times just like plenty of stepparents here. The only way i got results was being sarcastic to hubby by putting things in perspective because only then did he truly see his 3 kids with ex have no respect for him, they want to benefit off daddy when it suits them but they are happy being disrespectful little arseholes... hubby couldn’t make excuses then.

if hubby ever dared come back with “ss20 needs more time” i would tell hubby i want a divorce now!! 4.5 yrs married and hubby demanding ss20 be civil and respectful at home and not intentionally act as if me and our 2 kids (his hlf siblings) are invisible and hubby to say he needs more time to be a respectful civil human being who cleans up after himself is ridiculous and i called hubby an idiot because he was being exactly that. I told hubby i needed to get away from toxic hell when he helped contribute to fuc#ing up the 1st 3 kids with exwife and now he wants to continue that cycle of dysfunction and toxicity with our 2 is madness.... only then did his eyes open up how selfish he was. I’m pretty sure i asked my husband “what kind of husband and father does this? A shit one!!”

this is the way i get results, i have to push him for those changes. Hubby doesn’t want a divorce because he’s admitted if i left him, he’d be heartbroken for life and none of my skids would be bothered to care for him in old age...

i don’t accept excuses, i only accept results. Excuses are for pathetic people. Respectful humans take responsibility for their behaviour and action and change. I always remember that and the fact that i am entitled to a harmonious home, if people won’t behave or be respectful, they shouldn’t get a privilege of residing there and if a minor, life is made hell for them with the harsh truth of reality until they cave into submission

in my case all it took was for hubby to say to ss20 once, when you come home today, you have 24 hors to clean your bedroom and bathroom with bleach and vacuum, scrub etc. No excuses its done or you’re losing privileges starting with your bedroom door being removed and your computer. Ss was not allowed to lock his door, hubby now regularly barges in to see what he’s doing on weekends. He is forced to sit outside in main living room to forcibly interact with the family. He still ignores me and pretends i don’t exist, he’ll sit outside on sofa by himself playing with his phone, then for a few mins with my kids in their toy car he will drive them around our house with the remote control. Thats the only playing/interaction with them he has... 

hubby knows i am done wanting a relationship with any of the skids, any functions or family events i know all 3 skids will be at, i refuse to go. That will not change till hubby actively tells them that they are not to do inappropriate things with my kids to sabotage our image in front of family so they appear better.

we were at a nephews wedding last year, my then 2.5 yr old daughter was in a white dress, sd23 & sd14 had left a chocolate bar in our car, it had melted, they decided to give it to my 2.5 yr old kid without asking, i had turn around for a few seconds as was dealing with my 1yr old son... that chocolate was everywhere and i was just furious baby wiping everything. Then they expect we change our plans to suit them and hubby bows to them without discussing with me when we have 2 toddlers who shouldn’t have to spend an extra 2 hours in the car to play chauffeur for them and they are never on time. They do not respect our boundaries banging on out bedroom door at unreasonable times like warly morning when our toddlers are sleeping for things that aren’t important so until my husband addresses this, i refuse to go. I want to see he has that talk and its in writing that they know how out of line they are. Their mum set this behaviour as perfectly acceptable because she doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries one bit. 

Hubbys family will eventually pick up on the fact its not normal for me to not want to attend family events anymore and will start questioning him and he will be forced to addressed these issues. For now i disengage

I love the, "You can't meet my precious babies for over a year ... okay, year and a half is over, here you go kids! Here's your new second mom!"

Tell him that it would be quite "enough for you" if he parented his own kids, thanks. 

Leave.

Simple and what you NEED.

Don't allow who you are to be "killed" in favor of this relationship that sucks.

First of all, you shouldn't be doing ANY of those things you mentioned doing for the kids. That is the bio parent's responsibility. My DH and I had the same problem as far as conflicting parenting styles - we tried counseling, which helped but didn't CHANGE the problem, just helped him to see the problem. The only thing that helped was me completely disengaging - this was about 8 years ago and we are still together. I don't help with SD in the morning, I don't do any drop offs/pick ups, doctor's appointments, bedtimes, nothing. I do make dinner and clean my house because I'm going to do that anyway. But any PARENTING duties for SD are on DH. I am NOT her parent, it is not my responsibility. If you try this and are still unhappy, I would say this probably isn't the relationship for you (especially if you don't want your own kids - why do you want to be tied down?) but disengaging definitely saved my sanity!

The situation is wrong for you, and the man is wrong for you. 

You don't want kids. Congratulations on being childfree, I am, too. But you got tricked into becoming an instamommy, and now you're living a life that is both grueling and inauthentic. Wrong situation. And your bf is fine with you doing all the heavy lifting, even though it's not what's best for his kids or for you. Wrong man.

Some of this is your own fault. You jumped in and did too much; you moved in with him; and you disregarded that gut feeling that this wasnt a good fit. However, you're not the first childfree person to go through this, because even if you do enjoy kids it's hard to find the right sort of man with the right sort of kids. You gave it a good try, but it's just not for you and that's okay. There are lessons for you to learn, but first you need to save yourself. Tell him it's you not him, get your own place, get on antidepressants, and move on with your life. There are puh lenty of childfree men out there who would kill for an attractive, hardworking, baggage - less woman like you!