Getting full custody to move 4h away within the state

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Hello, (first of all pardon my misuse of some words, I am French and I don't know all the lingo yet)

My husband and I need some advice. I just got accepted to do a PhD in a city within the same state we live in but 4h away.

This city is 10 times cheaper than the one we currently live in, I would make more money, my husband can transfer easily. The city is bigger, a great cultural scene, museums, great schools and a great community. We would live in a bigger house, just a much better quality of life.

My husband currently has shared custody, legally 50/50, but the mother decided the change the schedule and we have now the boy 65% of the time, if not more. She is the one who left the household, she rents a single bedroom in a student housing (granted she is a 30 year old professional). My stepson sleeps with her in her bed when he is there.

We want to take my stepson with us to this new city. Have him during school months, and the mother can have him during every break, we are even ready to drive him, at our expenses, once a month, so he can spend the weekend with his mother. We will be asking no child support, nothing from her.

My stepson and her do not have a good relationship, they don't like being with each other, he is unhappy there, she voices many times that motherhood does not suit her. But she is also a bordeline narcissist, she is also, from her job, very popular in our town and maintains this image of the perfect mother. For instance she takes him to parties on her days to show him off, but then drops him off to us when she wants to start partying harder.

The kid wants to live with us, he has phrased it many times. He doesn't mind seeing his mother less, he actually never calls her, and she never calls him, when he is with us.

I need advice on how to get her permission to take her son 4h away and let him live with us full time. Granted she is HCP (high conflict personnality), has not moved on from her marriage, thinks that I am an intruder even though she is always super mellow and nice to me when she drops her kid off because she wants to go on a date. She also won't communicate with my husband when it comes from him, refuses to answer the phone or his texts, but constantly harasses him to talk about her boy troubles.

He really wants to see her face to face and tell her the plan, discuss this in a neutral zone, like a coffeeshop. But some psychologist friends tell me that psychotic people, especially high conflict ones, can't process information once they are in their conflict zone and that an e-mail would be better.

We are ready to go to court for that, we believe we have a strong case as I bonded strongely with my stepson, we make more money and provide a better housing/family situation. But I would rather avoid that and have her consent.

Please help me !

I would definitely do it via

I would definitely do it via email that way everything is in writing. So if she gets ugly, you have evidence. Or best caee scenario, she agrees and you have the written proof.

Though, I am unsure that you would get full/primary custody if she doesn't agree. You would need to prove to the court that moving is in the child's best interest. The move would clearly affect his relationship with BM and courts like children to have regularly contact with both bio parents. How old is your SS?

Courts are not happy when you

Want primary custody and want to move four hours away from the other Birth parent. BM would have to agree with this. Going to court will be costly and take a long time. And you also have to really think about transportation. Each trip is going to take 8 to 10 hours. As if you leave at 4 pm Friday night, you will not be getting home until 3 Am Saturday Then leaving noon on Sunday picking up at 4 ish and home at 8 or 9 pm Sunday night. Every three weeks, Then what are you going to do about Holidays, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Birthday, Mothersday other events. BM will never do Halloween ? Unless it’s on a weekend. If kid is in school you can not leave at 3 and get to BM house at 7.

Not everyone cares about

Not everyone cares about Halloween.

No way would I agree to this

As PP noted, 4 hours is 8 hours round trip. DH should be told he will have to handle all transportation, as he is moving.

Yes you would need to go to

Yes you would need to go to court but she would have to agree to this or the court would have to find her unfit. Depending on the childs age he may have a say to an extent and depending on his age the court could take issue with the bed sharing. Of course if she just agrees to this you need it in writing but she can flip and change her mind if it isn't court approved. Bottom line you need to go back to court and there's plenty chance they will not approve it.

Ooh, this is rife with danger

Ooh, this is rife with danger. Yes, she may allow you more time now, but that's likely because she feels it's under her control. She is highly unlikely to say, "sure, just move away with my kid."

1. This will go to court, be prepared. It will be costly and BM may go Scorched Earth on you and try to make sure you end up with the minimum allowable time.

2. Stop asking the kid what he wants, it's inappropriate and will look bad in court. He shouldn't even know about your move before BM does, that could be construed as alienation. And unless he's 14 plus, he won't have much say at all anyway. (And if he's 14 plus and still sleeping with his mother, call CPS). DO NOT TELL BM HE SAID HE WANTS TO GO WITH YOU. If you do, you will find out just how quickly she can get him to change his mind.

3. Stop thinking that you are the better home because you are moving to a city with cultural things and a better school district. Those aren't the driving forces. Having more space isn't what gets you custody.

4. BM has an automatic advantage because she is a woman. Also, if she truly is a narcissist, she will be very skilled in manipulating and playing the victim in court. She has a strong case too - she gave birth to this child and is his mother. They won't care if you "bonded strongly with him" or not.

5. Stop thinking your stepson loves you more than he does his mother. He doesn't. He may have a conflictual relationship with his mother, but it's his mother, and that's a primal relationship that is very strong, even when it's toxic. You may be the better home, she is his mother. Don't forget that.

6. Don't tell BM your plan, as in "Hi, BM, we are moving away and would like to take SS. We'll give you every break and all holidays and you won't have to pay support. What do you think?" At the very least, just say - "we would like to move away and want to discuss custody issues with you. "

7. To repeat: this is going to court. Consider how much you are willing to spend because family court can get very expensive. And prepare for BM to lie, find others to lie for her, manipulate your SS, try to alienate and maybe succeed at alienating him. Alienation happens usually in the context of custody battles with narcissistic people.

I'd suggest you play the long game. Having experienced court with a high-functioning narcissistic woman, I would not suggest you venture there. I think you should agree to you guys having the breaks, weekends and summer schedule, and assume that at some point, she will decide to let him stay there because she gets tired of being full-time parent.

I have experienced Parental Alienation and the aftermath. You don't want to go there. Your best bet, really, is to stay put and do an online Ph.D program.

she will refuse to have him

that's the trcky part, she will not have him full time, but she will not let us have him either. she loves the comfort shared custody provides for her lifestyle. She refuses to take him a third night a week.

Also, no online PhD in my specialty, and online PhD don't have paychecks !

She may not want him full

She may not want him full-time now, but she may change her mind if the option is to have a long-distance schedule.

You married a guy with a kid, you can't just move on a whim anymore.

IME

Ph.D programs do not pay that much. They provide a stipend. BTW, what is your PhD in?

"We are ready to go to court

"We are ready to go to court for that, we believe we have a strong case as I bonded strongely with my stepson, we make more money and provide a better housing/family situation."

You are going to find that a bond with a relatively new stepmom, more money and a better housing situation is not going to matter much to a court. Also, a 6 year old's preference is unlikely to be taken into account. So if BM objects, I can't imagine a court allowing you to move away and take the child in the absence of a lot more adverse (to BM) facts than you've given. A court will likely think that a child needs his mother more than better schools, cultural offerings, money and a nicer home.

I would let your husband decide how to approach this with BM. If he thinks face to face is better, let him do that. If he does what you suggest and it backfires, that could be unpleasant. He knows her best.

One of the biggest hardships

One of the biggest hardships I see in what you're wanting is the fact the custody order was just settled. The ink on the divorce degree and all the child stuff one pertains to was what? Six to eight weeks ago. During this time there was no discussion of any potential moves on the horizon and I seriously doubt BM's lifestyle a few weeks ago was much, if any, different than what it is now.

And as a side note, do not, repeat do not go into any mediation or court hearing yakking on how wonderful and superior you think your bond is to this child in opposed to his mother. Attempting to go in trying to move the child hours away, seeing BM rarely (face school breaks and summer when she currently has CO with 50/50 is sidelining BM) and rattling how the child is so much better off with you and the family life you can provide him over her.... well it won't fly well to any judge regardless how biased judge my 'normally' be.

One of the biggest hardships

Not to mention saying, "He

Not to mention saying, "He wants to move with us, he said so." Oy.

So why can't BM have 50% time

So why can't BM have 50% time during the school year and you and SO get 50% in the summer and around holidays? You'd be out of school in the summer (in theory) and could take the kid around to do the cultural things he wouldn't get to do much of while you are in school (and maybe working) and your SO is working. Plus, this move isn't to helo him, or even to help SO. It's to help you, and just happens to be a good move for your SO as well. No judge is going to look favorably on your SO wanting full custody during the school year and moving him 4 hours away from his mom just so his GF can get her PhD.

Your case against BM isn't as strong as you think it is. Your SS is young enough that he needs as much time with BOTH parents as possible. Your SO wanting, not needing, to move should mean that he is willing to give up time with his kid, not rip the kid away from BM.

If she agrees, then go along with this plan. If she doesn't, then your SO needs to prepare to take what he was going to offer BM. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Don't think a judge won't think that way, either.

finances

BM barely makes enough to pay her own rent. I think that's enough. she also never asked for child support because we have my SS more than she does.

is living with a bipolar woman who takes drugs a better situation for the kid, I doubt it.

I forgot to mention that she shared her bed with my SS and her boyfriend every night he is there and he suffers greatly from it.

There's a lot people don't understand here

I never claimed my ss and I had a stronger bond. But we do have a strong bond there's no denying that.

He grew up with a loving father who overcompensated the lack of lovef from the mother. She never wanted him, claims it all the time, blames my husband constantly foe knocking her up. We have several witnesses of her saying that she couldn't stand to be a mother in front of my SS.

She's not a terrible person but she is sick. She takes drugs recreationally and has a psychotic disorder that she refuses to treat. She never wanted to be a mother and truly suffers from it.

But she is a true narcissist who can't let go of her previous relationship. She uses my SS to have my husband around as a support system. She is very popular in town and respected for her profession that she performs well and promotes constantly. She uses her motherhood to advertise her business and could not beat to be considered as a bad mother. She actually tells everyone she has been left by my husband and has my SS full time. When she's the one who left and decided to give up most of her days with her child.

Those calling me a whore, are first very rude and judgy. My husband has been a single father for four years after she disappeared several days while she was nursing with a drug dealer, leaving my husband alone with a freaked out and hungry little boy, working his ass off so that his ex could do whatever she wants and avoid her psychotic crisis that are truly harmful to everyone and herself. I married a man damaged by a true narcissir but very brave and entirely dedicated to his child,i also chose to support them financially. If that's being a whore then I should write Collins for them to change the definition.

I can't conceive the idea of my husband giving her full custody. Unless she gets a better home, better frequentation, and actually tries to bond with (I quote her "I'm just not interested in him"). And she could not handle it. It would mean no more parties, no more trips, no more drugs, she actually cannot do that. My SS is truly unhappy with her. He witnessed years of her yelling at my husband because he can't vacuum when she's home but if he doesn't vacuum it means he doesn't love her, things like that, complaining and not doing the slightedt thing to help in the house. We find him exhausted because he can't sleep with her boyfriend in the bed he shares with her, and the noise from the partying. He is bored, she imposes on him her raw vegan diet so he comes homes starving. She doesn't allow him to bring toys to her house. She just does not provide the right environment for a child.

And yet we still want to maintain the relationship because it's necessary for this kid's development to have his mother around. But he is becoming truly damaged by her mother's priorities and that's not fair.

If this is the case (which is

If this is the case (which is much worse than what you said in your blog -why?) - then why did he agree to 50/50? As twoviewpoints said, the court is going to be suspicious that he was fine with 50.50 a little while ago, but now that he wants to move, BM is suddenly an unfit parent.

If he thinks she's so bad, he should be fighting to get his son out of there NOW. Also, even if they give you custody, they may not let DH move SS away from BM.

Again, ignore the prudes who think dating a separated man is wrong.

Manipulative narcissist

My husband has been very weak emotionally when it comes to her. He felt super guilty for getting her pregnant and promised to take care of their son so that she could have fun, live her life and stay married and enjoy the financial security he provided her. All he wanted was a child. And we know too many couples who stay married even when they are no longer romantically involved (separate bedrooms, dating etc...) because they think it's what's best for the child.

Since she was never home she never represented a danger to the child. But when she moved out and said she wanted half (that ended being less that 40% in the long haul) he didn't fight it because he never thought things would go that crazy.

We unfortunately can't prove everything. We have some screenshots and pictures but nothing i'cfiminating enough. One night she was having a party and her cock head friends were over. We called the cops and they never showed up.

I 100% agree that he should have taken actions first. He was weak and didn't see clearly then.

She is a super proficient narcissist and is excellent at pretending to be things she isn't. It's scary.

I do not like the influence she has on my ss. Sometimes he reproduces her behavior, especially towards my husband because he witnessed years of psychological domestic violence.

When he met me he didn't know that women could do the dishes, make food and walk him to school, he also didn't know that we could take care of him when we were sick.

Basically the craziness has been silenced by my husband overcompensating before they were divorced. Things unveiled when she move out and we don't know how to protect him while keeping a connexion between them.

I am shocked to read that the best for him is to be with his mom when she never raised him.

I'm not talking about myself. I think the best thing for him is his dad, not me, not his mom, but the man who raised him.

No one said it's the best

No one said it's the best thing for him. But what you think is best and what the court thinks is best will be very different, if you can't prove any of this behavior from BM.

What the court will see is that your DH wants to move away and take his 6-year-old from his mother. That's a tough sell in a BM-friendly family court. If you can't prove BM does anything wrong as a parent, why should she have to give up her time with her son because your DH wants to move away? Does that make any sense, objectively speaking?

It always ceases to fail to

It always ceases to fail to amaze me when OP initially begins A, B, C but rapidly changes and everything becomes more 'horrible' when the replies aren't what they wanted to receive.

I half expect to read about orgies in the hallway next.

Anyway, I've read nothing that suggest a court will alow you to up and move the child 4 hours away. While your DH might manage to get a receive in parenting time to reflect the overnights child spends in your home where you presently live, he's going to have some heavy explaining to do as to why, until now when you want to move, this has all been acceptable and no action taken.

And if the shoe was on the

And if the shoe was on the other foot and BM wanted to move 4 hours away and give them the long-distance NCP schedule, they'd be screaming bloody murder.

If this BM is really this bad, CPS should have been involved long ago, and dad should have full custody.

This

And if OP thinks long distance relationships can be viable, the answer to me is SHE should move to where this PhD program and see her FH on breaks.

Why was this not included in

Why was this not included in your OP?

All of this information changes the standing of your SO potentially getting custody. And I say "potentially" because it's all going to be based on you all proving these things, having shown you have tried to protect SS from these things (e.g. involving CPS, SO's attorney or SO sending BM emails about what he has heard and asking that it stop), and that they are negatively impacting SS (e.g. his school counselor has noticed a change, his grades have dropped, behavior has gotten to the point he needs counseling).

As has been mentioned already, even IF SO gets custody, that doesn't mean he will be allowed to move 4 hours away with it. Many COs put in stipulations for distance, and it is usually something like 60-80 miles for CPs, especially CP dads (unfortunately, that matters). CPs who DO get to move far away and not be in violation of the CO are usually parents that have been CPs for a long time OR mothers (again, unfortunate that is the current state of affairs).

Feel free to fight it, but don't be surprised if your SO gets custody and is told he can't move. And if he quits his JOB and finds another, don't think a judge won't give SS right back to BM. You all have done nothing to prove that BM is an unfit mother, and you haven't said anything that shows that you all have been trying to protect SS from danger. Your complacency will be seen as agreeance to the behavior, or it will be used to discredit you because, if it were that bad, "a good parent would have done something".

Many of us are living in situations where our partners are objectively the better/more fit/more stable parent. However, we've seen family court not want to rip kids away from their mothers, or not feel that the behavior is bad enough, or not care that alienation is happening. We're not saying don't fight. We're just saying be prepared for the possibility that a court isn't going to see it the way you do.

I think one of the most important things a divorced parent

Should do is NOT move away. I say that wrt men and women. I am sympathetic to members of our armed forces, but other than that, not much sympathy. As I said below, if OP is so convinced a long distance relationship will work, why can't SHE move by herself and visit her her DH

Since by parneting time your

Since by parneting time your home is the CP household I would take the ask for forgiveness route and just move.

My DW had both physical and legal custody of her son when she left her home state for school. She never asked the courts or the Spermidiot for permission. She just did it. That initiated a custody battle when SpermGrandHag heard that DW was dating someone at school. They made no effort to see the Skid for months until they heard she was dating.

Long story short... the Judge raised CS and set a long distance visitation schedule for BioDad. Custody was not changed.

You and DH have great opportunities in the new city. Career and ability to provide are significant onsiderations for courts. IMHO you have a strong position in making the move.

Work with a lawyer to get professional support for your goals.

Good luck.

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Getting full custody to move 4h away within the state