Graduation nightmare - not surprised
I recently attend the college graduation of my SD after not seeing her for 9 months. I honestly didn't know what her reaction would be having nothing to go on besides being blocked on FB but responding nicely to texts months prior to an exam I am preparing for that she has taken and a polite text about her father and I arriving at his son's house her and her sister were inquiring about. He wanted me to go for his support because his sister and family would be there and he does not speak to them, nor do his parents. His parents did not attend. The BM was there also which always means the children are on their worst behavior (but she's never caused any problems my BF says - haha. He knows not how women work obviously. I believe she is the ringmaster).
Anyway, we finally find them afterwards. I didn't expect to be in any pictures at all since it is clear when she is around, I am excluded. I didn't even care. I was there to support him and get a picture for him of the two of them. Well, apparently, she didn't want me there at all so turns her back to us. The oldest SD who has been friendly to me without her sister or mother around and I have seen recently, motions for her dad to come over by himself and doesn't even acknowledge me. I was a bit shocked. I let her know I knew what she was trying to accomplish and I wasn't about to stand in the corner for their punishment. I also asked him why did you invite me? He hands her his phone, finally clues in to all the drama going down and the star of the show running to his sister and BM, grabs his phone back and says I am not doing this and walks off. This is all good for me, but when I get upset (believe me I tried not to but I can't be fake) and start venting, he tells me "that's enough!". He didn't want to hear one word about it. He did, however, say that they treated him just as bad as me. He said exactly how I was treated at the oldest SD's hs graduation. I could tell his feelings were very hurt but he wasn't going to discuss them with me nor say one negative word about any of them. ugh He said she made her choice.
My question is do you think he is participating in this drama and continued exclusion of me when mother is around especially by keeping a group texting his daughters start and continue even after he tells them he doesn't want to be a part of daily rambling? He told me he had put an end to it but i saw differently on his phone. I know I shouldn't have looked but I wanted to see what the youngest had to say about it all before it all went down and he wasn't going to share it with me on his own. He said she didn't tell him not to bring me but I wasn't quite so sure I believed him. I felt like he could have warned me and I would not have gone. But I saw nothing between him and the brat because all of her texts were deleted. Surprising. But I did see he has another group messaging going on his phone with BM included and on FB messenger called FAMBAM. Nice.
I guess I just don't see why he would want to keep this fake family group texting going with a woman who obviously is the instigator in all of the nasty treatment towards me. His response was you do it with your ex. And that I am just insecure. I said no, your daughters and ex wife are insecure or they would just get along. The daughters have to send them constant pictures of themselves. My son is a minor and it's definately not an every day sharing of pictures and texting about nonsense. One of the pictures from youngest SD was a comparison of mom and dad and sisters saying who looked like who. So strange to me. The BM also sent a picture of herself with a grandson she was visiting. He told me she was blocked on his phone. He lied and continues to say she is even after I saw it with my own two eyes! So strange. He also individually texts his kids and they share constant pictures of themselves on FB. I do not get the reasoning for these family groups and why he can't just dissapear from them. They are daily nonsense, not important things at all that he has told them he doesn't want to be a part of. I don't get it. You would think he would want to keep the peace with the woman he spends all of his time with instead of not wanting to have any conflict about texting with his ex included, especially when she is such a firestarter. Am I overreacting or is this encouraging the conflict towards me with the kids who don't get that their father has moved on? They have been divorced for 9 years.
Oh please
You knew your BFs DD did nto want you there, It was her graduation. You went anyway. Stop escalating this.
Knowing that his daughter
Knowing that his daughter didn’t want you there he still insisted you go because he wanted the “support”. How about you and all the BS you deal with and he allows?
He lied and continues to say she is even after I saw it with my own two eyes!
Why do you want to put yourself out there and support a man that lies to you and continues unnecessary family messages? It makes no sense and he is allowing boundaries to be crossed and doesn’t care how this impacts you. Your problem should be with your H and how he’s NOT handling their awful treatment of you.
For me its been bloody obvious all skids are hypocrites
they want the benefit of family when they get a benefit from me otherwise its eff off. They ignore and shun me even in front of my kids who are their half siblings
heck they don’t even maintain a relationship with their dad its my husband constantly every few months of their silent treatment when hubby messages to ask how they are.
Eldest sd23 graduated late last yr. hubby financially assisted her giving her a monthly allowance to cover books, essentials and food etc so she could solely focus on her studies. Even then she didn’t invite hubby, tbh i think hubby told her he was busy at work (which he was dealing with a crisis), any invite she would have given in person to him only inviting him hubby wouldn’t have gone because we are a packaged deal and that’s insulting to hubby. She even on one imaginary happy family event with her full siblings at a restaurant in a shopping mall suggested they take graduation pics (you know because thats so normal to do in a shopping mall) and hubby refused because it was a slap in the face. You can’t invite your dad properly or treat him like shit and you want happy graduation pics of an intact family just isn’t gonna happen for my husband. moral of my story is its fairly obvious they don’t treat you or their dad like family, so have some self respect and don’t settle for the temporary crumbs of their attention. You don’t get to pick and choose when you want to be happy family. Either you are or aren’t!!
this for me is the same as skid engagements or weddings, if hubby claims i am invited its a firm NO they don’t get the privilege of my attendance with the way they treat me and others... you know history says she wants nothing to do with you, hubby may have tried to force her hand and claim you are invited but don’t allow yourself to ever be put in that uncomfortable hostile situation ever again no matter what bullshit anybody ever claims
Yes, they wouldn't stand for
Yes, they wouldn't stand for their Sig. Other to be put aside and shunned by Dad would they? Exactly.
Lucky for you - your DH thinks of you as a team. Mine would go without me. Would be better for me though so I guess it doesn't matter.
Believe me it got real worse before it got better
But even when it was getting worse hubby could see their bullshit trying to play happy family without me and kids there but to play into happt caring image they would gove daddy a shit load of over the top toys
i told hubby never again, what my kids need are not toys but elder siblings who set good examples for them and guide them. Skids aren’t that and don’t want to do that. They can buy all the toys in the world but our kids will see they want no relationship. Toys don’t change the fact their shitty people
op is not married .
op is not married .
And? Shall we stitch a
And? Shall we stitch a scarlet letter on her?
right? from what i've read
right? from what i've read it doesn't matter to SKs if you are or aren't. the emotional abuse doesn't end at "i do". ugh
Exactly.
Exactly.
There comes a point where you
There comes a point where you need to acknowledge and accept the realities of how a man handles (or doesn't handle) his business and resolve to do what's right for you.
All this talk about the BM and the SDs is just beating around the bush. Distill it all down, and you know you cannot rely on your SO's judgement. You know he lies and keeps you on an info diet; that relations between you and his adult kids are problematic; and that he's willing to use you as a human shield. That should be more than enough data for you to realize that you need to completely remove yourself from the equation.
He can't or won't protect you from his toxic baggage, so quit offering yourself up and just be done with these people.
Disengagement is the answer.
I would not ever go to another event. I would make sure not a penny of household money goes to SKs. I would never want them around my home. I would never do anything for the, including gifts, cars, vacations, If. DH wants to give them anything then he has to make extra money to do that. That includes, hospital bills, bail ect.
I'm not married
Thanks. I'm not married. I am seeing a counselor but not for self esteem, for how to deal with the wicked stepkids. but i will say he did leave when he saw how the show was going down. like i said, the daughter has gone on both sides of the fence in the past so one never knows what they will get with her. unstable personality. BUT you are right, in that he didn't want to hear about it from me when i was upset and maybe wanted me to stand in the corner while the other daughter took pics but never asked me to because he knew i wouldn't. when someone asks me to go to an event, i will not be put in a corner and told to stay. i get that your kids will always be around and they are your kids but it doesn't mean you have to just ignore their shit.
but thanks for saying i have self esteem issues. if i have them, so do all of the other stepparents who have to put up with shit from their stepkids and can't control them but stick around. geez. disney dads seem to be commonplace which is truly sad. we have a great relationship until SD becomes involved. i get what you're saying but he's not an awful partner to me. just when it comes to her because she is awful and he feels this need to defend her. apparently i'm not the only one who deals with this shit.
But i appreciate you saying I do deserve better. of course i deserve someone who defends me and calls out their kids on their shitty behavior. i know this. i should not have gone to this graduation for his comfort. hindsight is always 20/20.
i hear you and i appreciate
i hear you and i appreciate your feedback. you are right. i am angry. i am sad. i am glad he walked away at her graduation like we planned but i do believe he knew what would happen and didn't let me in on it. not nice. also when i did get upset, he didn't want to hear about. that was very hurtful. and yes, he opposes everything i want when i tell him what would help me. i did ask him to go to counseling or go with me recently to no avail which says a lot. he said to me today that i just need to worry about controlling myself and not worry about his family. easier said than done because obviously i am the type of person who WANTS to be included and it does - it causes me great emotional turmoil. it's not the family for me.
i just told him exactly how i felt and told him i couldn't do it anymore. his response "your choice". nice.
Cool, Terrific, Wonderful!!!!
Cool, Terrific, Wonderful!!!! Now pack your bags and GTF away from this jerk.
You are NEVER, NEVER, EVER going to get what you need from him.
No, I don't think you are
No, I don't think you are overreacting.
One partner in a couple who has been together a long time, married, engaged, etc. should not be purposely excluded from any event the other partner would like them to attend. It is ridiculous.
Some feel that grown skids should be given a free pass to be rude to daddy's new love and not inviter her "Because we don't like her". Oh boo, hoo! It is immature.
Your BF's brood needs to grow up and suck it up. So what, if he wants you to attend? So what if they want one of their S.O.'s to attend something? So what? You have a right to be in a public place whenever you want. These mean girls do get to decide where you should be or not be.
Your BF, if not already, needs to be honest and upfront with you. Tell him how you feel. He also needs to put the mean girls, ex-wife, whoever is toxic toward you in their place.
There were times when I attended a "family" event of DH's, when we were dating and his hateful spawn were there. It was always after the event they would contact DH and tell him he should not of brought me-they didn't want me there. Sometimes, we have to attend certain events: weddings, funerals, church services, milestones, that UNFORTUNATELY adult skids are at. But, why do we attend? Oh, that's right, we are the other half of a couple that attends certain things together.
Like you, I am not going to be put into a corner because these hateful, overgrown brats don't want me there.
Tell your DH to man up and tell them how it is. It sounds like your guy is in denial a bit about "his family".
good luck.
Thanks Disrestep. Yes it is
Thanks Disrestep. Yes it is crazy that kids and even some people on here think that stepkids have the right to ban us but yet their SOs should not be banned - the total disrespect and hatred for SMs is just beyond disgusting and cruel. I don't believe they have the right to tell us we cannot attend with our SOs either. It's complete BS!!!
He has stated over and over he will not say anything to them. Nothing he says will matter he says. He did tell me many many times though to not talk bad about his family. He won't tolerate it. lol wow huh? I guess since they are not saying things negative about me to my face or him except don't bring her (i'm assuming), just not acknowledging, completely ignoring and shunning me in public, and obviously talking to each other about both of us in our presence, he has no need to defend me to them. I am just beside myself that he will not tell them how disgusted he is with their treatment of me AND him. I just don't comprehend any of it. he can sure stand up to me but never to them. weird.
This relationship needed to
This relationship needed to be over when he broke an engagement, he ended a relationship and you moved out. Instead of ending it and moving on you waited when he decided again to start coming round for booty calls and dinners you cook. This man has zero respect for you. Why are you dragging this. It’s been years you’ve been asking him to make changes. He makes no changes. He has no respect for you and doesn’t see you as a full partner.
I’d focus on self respect and self esteem. Your issue isnt SDs. It’s your boyfriend and his lack of concern for you and lack commitment to you and your lack of self respect. This man tells you “it’s your choice” and you still don’t leave. Comn now. You do need to start valuing yourself more.
My husband attends
My husband attends graduations of my nieces and nephews (my DD graduated before we met). But when I had boyfriends, not married and not engaged and not even cohabitating I didn’t necessarily dragged boyfriends to events. You absolutely don’t need to go to these events. Maybe keep your dating casual if you refuse to completely end it
I think DH invites you so
I think DH invites you so your feelings wouldn’t be hurt. If this were me, I would not attend anymore “family” functions. Also, I would not discourage my bf from talking to his children. If they don’t like you and are rude then you need to disengage from them but their dad should not disengage. Yes, he needs to support you but it sounds like he does not want to hear you vent and he is done with the drama. My DH doesn’t like hearing me vent about it either. I am allowed five minutes to vent my frustrations and then we are done. Try limiting this because it can be a strain on relationships.
To all the people on here
To all the people on here saying I invite myself, etc. - don't go to anymore functions - if i never go and when i haven't, he tells me later, it's my uninvolvement with his family that tells them i don't care and don't want to get to know them. ugh!! i can't win!!!! i am not inviting myself to be hated more - i'm doing it when he asks because he says it will benefit me and they will see i want to be involved. yeah right!!!! i know now that is just BS! this family does not want to get to know me! his parents are nice to me though. they did state at lunch last week, they weren't going to avoid the DRAMA! duh!!! live and learn. they know their granddaughters and their mother well!!
As I said, you know you can't
As I said, you know you can't rely on your bf's judgement. He doesn't have a clear understanding of his kids' feelings/behaviors, and keeps making terrible decisions regarding interactions with them. You would almost be better off doing the exact opposite of what he wants you to do.
You know what you know, so stop going along with his agenda. Just STOP. The next time he tries to force contact, tell him you're taking a break from all things skid related, PERIOD. Stop allowing other people to involve you in their poo.