HELP! Autistic SS Moving in Full Time
First of all, I am so happy to have found this blog in my time of need. I need some advice. I am from the US and my fiance lives in Canada. He has 3 kids (24, 12, 9) all from different mothers. I recently moved to Canada to be with my fiance. He is 46 and I am 27 with no kids. His 12 year old daughter is a delight and lives with her mom and we see her every other weekend. I get a call from my fiance yesterday telling me that his son's mom has been institutionalized and that he needs to get full custody of his son IMMEDIATELY. His son has been living about 4 hours away so we rarely see him. My fiance is a good man and is going to do the right thing for his son. He also makes quick and sometimes reckless decisions, where I am more of a strategist and a planner. The more I think about it, the more I just want to run. The child has autism, only drinks milkshakes, is repetitive and has hit me in the past. We only see him for holidays, vacations, the odd weekend and summers. Taking him on full time is not something I signed up for and I hate myself for saying it because I don't want to abandon my fiance over a child in need. I am currently in California with my parents for the next few weeks so I won't be there do see this all play out. I'm afraid if I say yes and marry him, all my dreams and the hard work I've done to get an education and build a career will be for nothing. I'll have to raise this child as my own while my husband works (he has significantly more earning potential). He also travels for work and oftentimes I go with him (I work from home) but now I'll have to stay with the child, make sure he's fed and entertained. I am in a foreign country with no real support system outside my fiance. His mom runs his life and I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her. I don't know what to do. Do I just stay in California and try to rebuild my life?
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Comments
There is always a chance that
There is always a chance that any step-parent, through circumstance, ends up with the stepkids full time.
It sucks, but it does happen.
You have seen an example of this now.
If you cannot commit to having the child around full time, pull the plug on the relationship.
Your partner cannot find another father or parent for his kid.
You can find another partner/husband.
Institutionalized for what?
Institutionalized for what? And for how long? Where is the child now? She could be in for months and be unfit when she comes out or be in for a week and be fine according to the local courts or child services. You need more details. But remember that if it happened once, it can happen again and for longer. If she is suicidal then you could be in for permanent custody. I would nail down the diagnosis and prognosis and start there. You are smart to be looking at the real life implications of this rather than just "I love him."
She has a severe gambling
She has a severe gambling problem. Her mother sold her house to get her out of debt and she gambled it away. One night, she sent her mother an email saying that she was going to hang herself and to come get the son so he doesnt find her swinging from a rope. Mother called 911 and police took biomom away. She is out, but has severe bipolar disorder, is presumably not taking her medication and is a threat to her son. I can't even imagine what he has been through and the kind of trauma he has experienced. My guy has been trying to reach her for weeks and finally reached out to her mother who told him the whole story and gave him the email evidence to give to his lawyer. When he finally got ahold of the mom she asked him for 4,000 because she has missed rent payments for 2 months (that he already sent her money for and she blew on gambling). He told her he will give her the money when he picks up son for a "weekend visit". He is going to notify his lawyer and law enforcement that he is taking his child for good tomorrow after school.
You are in for
You are in for a life of drama and legal debt because he procreated with crazy. Plus you will be throwing away your education and career to be a babysitter to a child that you don't know, don't like, and are not qualified to deal with far away from all family and friends. You may love him but that will erode quickly under those conditions. Sorry to be harsh but those are the objective facts. It is not your fault that circumstances changed but they did. You are lucky, believe it or not, that it happened now rather than 2 years from now when you really would have felt "stuck." It will hurt but it is time to save your own life.
This!
This!
LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
You already know this is not a life that you want, and I don't blame you one bit I wouldn't either, so don't feel like you are a terrible person for that.
You are 27, have no kids, you
You are 27, have no kids, you are educated and have career plans. I don't think this is the life for you. Let him go.
I know it's tough.. but he
I know it's tough.. but he has a lot of responsiblity and baggage that come with him. You don't and honestly, you can "do better". I would stay in CA and rebuild there. He may be a great guy.. but not the right one for you.
"Quick and reckless decisions
"Quick and reckless decisions..." Ya think? LOL I'm sorry, but a man with three kids from three different exes screams "really bad decision-maker" to me. There is no way in hell I would raise someone else's special needs child while they focused on their career.
Yes, stay in California. Let him figure out what to do with his kid without you around to fall back on (or more likely to dump all of the hard work on).
You can continue to date him long distance if you want, because that's probably the only way being "with him" would work. Being that you have only ever dated long distance, you only know the tip of the iceberg regarding his dysfunction. If you can already sense that his mother is a meddling, controlling hag and you've already discovered he doesn't think shit through, so these issues are likely 10 times worse than you know.
You are young and haven't
You are young and haven't really lived life yet. He has and it's unfair for you to have to take up this role. Being a stepparent is already had but with a special needs child it's even harder. I have an autistic nephew and he is more than a handful, I hardly see him and idk how my sister manages but it's alot to take on. You need to really think this through. Because now you won't just be a wife maybe your fiance is looking for a live in caretaker.
First I would let it play put a few weeks
Before I would move, Let him set up child care, get the kid into a summer program ect. I can’t see how he going to take care of this kid and Work? How is he going to do that ? I would not be rushing into this, true love is always there. No rush
Yikes, I'd pull the plug on
Yikes, I'd pull the plug on this one.
Not only does he have three skids from three different mothers, if you marry him, you can be forced to help support them in the future (this is a thing in Canada). And then there are the immigration issues, and getting a job, etc, in another country.
(DH is Canadian but we live in the US - it was a long slog through the immigration stuff).
Don't tie yourself down to this guy. Find a young man with no kids and start your own family. If he has a 24 year old, I'll assume he's at least 44. Too much baggage here.
Is the son 24 or 9? Not sure
Is the son 24 or 9? Not sure about Canada, but its much easier her to get services for a nine year old than a twenty four year old. Either way, don't go back till Dad has figured out the arrangements. If you haven't yet received permission to work in Canada, you may end up being a caretaker of this child.
Also, the his mom runs his life comment is a real red red flag. He's 40 and his mom is running his life! Do you think that played any part in his three failed relationships? ( big hint -- the answer is yes) Since you know she's running his life, why do you think things will be different if you marry? (Hint-- past behavior is often a good predictor of future behavior) Don't marry thinking things will change after marriage. They won't. Things need to change before marriage.
The poster who wrote about your becoming legally responsible has given you fair warning. A severely autistic child is not going to be independent and will always need support. If you go back, before you marry, go to a Canadian lawyer and educate yourself on Canadian law.
SS is 9. On top of my man’s
SS is 9. On top of my man’s mom running his life, he told her about the situation before me, she told him to pick up his son NOW and she pre-emptively said she would not be babysitting if we go out of town.
Stay in California and
Stay in California and rebuild your life. Love is not enough. This man and this relationship sound like more trouble than they're worth. Cut your losses before you waste your valuable time on drama, chaos and instability. The fact that this man has 3 children with 3 different women is frightening enough; adding an autistic pre-teen and a crazy ex would have me running for the hills.
Yeah and I have a feeling ex
Yeah and I have a feeling ex wife isn’t going away without a fight.
Which one?
Which one?
LOL
LOL
It's funny... but damn, for
It's funny... but damn, for real.
You know the answer
You know the answer to your question, sweetie.
But if you need someone to say it for you: yes, stay in CA and build a new life.
Ohhh. no
I hate to repeat what everyone else has said but please stay in the US. This situation sounds like it will crush your youth and future. I feel bad for the child but you didn’t make this child and should not give up your hopes, dreams and a career to care for the child. Go get that amazing job in NYC and have a great future. You already have warning bells going off in you head, listen to them.
Be prepared for a lot of push
Be prepared for a lot of push back and groveling from this guy if you decide to break things off. He REALLY needs you, now.
Yep! Clean break, block calls
Yep! Clean break, block calls, emails, social media would be best (it usually is anyway...).
There will be guilt trips, gaslighting and love bombing.
Leave before you get pregnant
Leave before you get pregnant or marry into this shit show.
3 BMs...red flags!!!
Child with autism raised by a crazy...good luck with that.
He may seem sophisticated bcuz he is older but he's a mess & any woman his age would run.
I tell you this due to my blindness to the red flags if my DH his 4 feral children & their crazy mother. Now I'm married & stuck because i was stupid enough to quit my job to live with him & the feral children. BM abandoned t them when she found a new boyfriend who want interested in raising her feral children.
Run. Go anywhere. Find someone better, and/or a better situation
Fortunately enough, he has a
Fortunately enough, he has a vasectomy and can’t get me pregnant. I do want kids but I’ve always been focused on my career and haven’t thought about it or planned for it. Now I’m just totally depressed.
How do I give back the ring?
How do I give back the ring? I also forgot to mention that his 24yo daughter and her loser boyfriend lived with us for 2 months after I “officially” moved to Canada (I got rid of my apartment in New York and we bought a dog together). It was only supposed to be 1 month and he didn’t even ask me because his mother insisted we take the daughter. It was hell. They didn’t clean up after themselves and the boyfriend spent all night playing video games and screaming at the computer with the door open. My fiancé would send me to get groceries with his daughter and she and fiancé expected me to pay for it. Even though I don’t have an income right now.