Having doubts
Im starting to have doubts about getting married to my fiance. His constant doubting and pessemistic thoughts about me being stepmother to his son really makes me wonder if HE'S ready for marriage. I always try to reassure my fiance that i love his son but he thinks that for me to love his son i have to play with him 24/7, and show him affection all the freaking time..Ive never been a person who gushes over kids or contstantly give
affection. He isnt my child but id treat him as equally if i had a child of my own. Its a constant battle between me and my fiance trying to PROVE that i love his son but i dont feel like i need to prove anything to anyone because i know how i feel...He worrys his son will be pushed away if we have our own child which makes me wonder and worry about when we have our own child. Will he put HIS son first before our child? Will he worry that his child isnt getting enough affection from me or my family when we have our child?
I dont know it just makes me wonder what or how i can change his thoughts, but i cant...its wearing me out and i dont know how much more i can take...It makes me sad...
Comments
Did your fiance' have an
Did your fiance' have an experience like this growing up? It sounds like he is insecure for some reason and until you two work through those insecurity issues, whatever they may be and whatever triggered them, it will not get beter. It will always be a constant battle and you will always feel that you are not doing enough. That part alone will definitely drain you. Maybe you two and the SS should go to a family counselor so you can get to the root of the problem. Sometimes it does help to have someone look in from the outside.
My two cents
I got married 4 years ago to a man with kids. Being a step parent, to me, so far, is WAY harder than being a bio parent. However, my first bio kid is still in the belly, so I guess I dont' knwo yet
ANYWHO, you definitely should talk this out. My DH and I didn't talk anything out, I was young and pretty stupid and seriously thought this was the only guy who'd ever love me. Now, we're married, and his expectations of me and what I feel like I should be doing are so completely different that we argue all the time about it. So whatever you do, dont' walk down the aisle w/o fully understanding what your fiance wants from you and how he wants you to be with his son, in every aspect. Financially, spiritually, discipline, etc needs to be covered or you'll be in the middle of it and be lost (like I am...lol).
Good luck, please talk it out, coming from experience, please please please talk it out before you go down the aisle. Your happines is JUST as important as your mans and his sons.
did he say he doesn't
did he say he doesn't believe you that you care for his son? or are you just worrying and coming up with what if's? i don't believe your fiance will treat your child any different from his 1st child. i have a ss and a daughter, my husband does not treat them differently. my husband knows that i will never love/care for ss in the same manner i treat my own child....that's just natural. that in a way his exwife had made things difficult for me to embrace this child like my own. he knows what i've been through w/his exwife and how much i despise her. ss does not love/care for me as a stepmother because his mother feeds him false information about me. with that said, maybe you should talk to your fiance and tell him how you are feeling and confirm if he really thinks the way you say he is. just don't jump into conclusions witout finding out the truth, otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy! let me know how it turns out. being a stepmother is not easy, so think 2x about marrying this man. do you have a good relationship with ss mother?
-happy mom
The BM and I are very civil to each other
We have never had any arguements or anything so thats a good thing..i figure were going to be in each others lives for a long long long time and the only way we can live harmoniously is to get along...i never disrespect the BM in front of the SS although she is a bit immature lol...But as far as my fiance thinking i dont care for his son, YES, he has said that to me but not in those words...He basically wants me to treat his son the way BM treats him... I dont think that is possible...I am not his BM, he has one..I love his son and treat him very good, his SS is always very nice to me, asks where i am when i am at work, and likes goes places with me without me having to ask him so i dont know what my fiances issue is with the way me and SS relationship currently is..We are going to premarital counceling right now so we are defenitly working things thru befor marriage because i DO NOT want to be another statistic and defenitly want to marry my man...I did tell him today though, that if he is having doubts about my role as a stepmother then he should seriously re think about getting married..He understands..Hes very insecure and im not sure why...His dad was abusive to his mother and she remarried when my fiance was 13..Not sure if that has anything to do with how he thinks of me...Hmmm
DD
You need to tell him it's not just that you are not the biological mother of this child, you're not HER (the BM). Different people do things differently. No two people are exactly alike in the way they parent. Different does not equate to better or worse. Different just means "not the same." So yes, you may be a little or a lot different from the BM. All that means is that you are not like her, which should be a GOOD thing, because if she were so great, then wouldn't he still be with HER? Different is not bad.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)