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Does the concept of marriage change with each generation

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Submitted by DHsfamilyfromhell on Mon, 06/17/2019 - 12:57pm

My father has been married to my stepmom for nearly fourty years. I must admit I do like to try and take my fathers advice when I ask for it as he doesn’t criticise he merely says option a is, option b is and option c is and I find this approach helpful. We all pre arrange to see each other which makes family life easier on all sides. For example my father says to his wife ‘ I am going to see ‘me’ in such and such a day. And she says ok that’s great, I have just had an op (spinal op) can’t go (two and a half year old etc, can get ott) but do the girls need any clothes. I find their arrangements very respectful of each other and their commitment to each other has made for a lasting marriage. So I see his point of him saying that’s not how it should be a marriage when I say to my father something like oh I didn’t find out about dh going to see Chelsea football team with my ss until about six months after (football tickets). There are examples of this nearly every week.  My husband is a non communicator ( but deliberately because he doesn’t want ‘anyone to answer to’). I believe he should be open about it, as I am married to him. He thinks if he pays all the bills then he should get the benefits of his wife, and not be open and honest. I guess my question is, in this day and age, is marriage whatever suits ( it doesn’t suit me finding out from my real mum not my dh that my ss has moved back to bio mums because he was struggling at uni) are there key elements of trust that should be considered in marriages with stepkids, and has anyone had a long lasting marriage with a whatever approach, live and let live not my business as such.

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lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 06/17/2019 - 1:13pm

There is a lot to unpack here:

To answer the initial question of whether marriage changes generation to generation, yes. Marriage used to be a business arrangement where women were more or less sold as wives for better land, business growth, etc. The idea of marrying for love and happiness is new, only 100-150 years old as a practice. Even then, the idea of ending a marriage due to "irreconcilable differences" didn't hit until the 1980s. Marriage has been constantly evolving, with many younger generations now throwing away the concept of marriage, due to economics, unfair laws, changes in types of relationships people want, etc.

To answer whether someone can have a marriage of "live and let live", sure. A couple can have any kind of successful marriage so long as both parties are in agreeance on that arrangement.

Now, as to whether YOU can have a "live and let live" marriage, that's up to you to decide. If you think it's imperative to know that your DH went to a football game with SS, and he doesn't think it's imperative that you know, then that is a problem. Is it a deal breaker-level problem? That you have to answer yourself. It sounds like your DH has firmly told you what he feels his role should be as a communicator. All you can do is decide if you want to work with him to find a middle ground, accept that this is who he is, or leave because you cannot deal with that lackluster level of communication.

Marriage is extremely personal. What works for you may not work for others, and vice versa. What every marriage needs to survive is respect, though. How that respect is displayed may vary, but that has to be there to make a good marriage work. If you don't feel respected, then it isn't working and won't long-term.

 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 06/17/2019 - 1:14pm

I think there are qualities that make you a good partner in any era, and your DH seems to be lacking them. Communication with your spouse is a big one.  Many men are not great communicators, but to refuse to communicate on purpose because he doesn't want to answer to anyone is a whole different ball of wax.  It implies control and a bit of narcissism to me.  Telling you what is going on with his son is not "answering to you", it's keeping you informed of some basic information. 

I think trust is essential in any marriage, with or without stepkids. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Submitted by DHsfamilyfromhell on Mon, 06/17/2019 - 1:31pm

thank you I have found your comments very useful

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 06/17/2019 - 1:38pm

I think that certainly relationships in marriages have changed over time.  Certainly at one point in time, women didn't have very big voices in how their lives were going to turn out.  Now, I think things are probably more equitable for the most part in that department.

What your DH is doing is showing his immaturity.  he wants to make the decisions.. but he doesn't want to "hear what the consequences are".  So, what you don't know can't hurt him.

Can we train people to do that to us?  Sure.. if we go overboard and nit pick and blow up about every little thing?? Sure, our partners will probably either just get out.. or start hiding things..lol.

But, I know that the more successful relationships today will involve both parties being open and respecting their partner's feelings.