SOS demon child lol
Hey guys,
i am loving this forum.. wow! No one really prepares you for just how bloody tough it is being a step parent. I have always been very maternal and loved kids so I thought it would be a dream come true but I’m actually really struggling.
my partner and I have been together over a year, we bought a house together. He has a 6yr old daughter who has behavioral problems. I honestly try so hard, some days she’s such a sweet angel but a lot of the time she is a seething demon swine child who is rude, snappy and talks to me however she wants. She is exactly the same with her BM (who hates me and always tells the child horrible things which are repeated to me..fun fun lol) when it comes to her daddy most of the time she is so sweet ‘yes please daddy’ ‘no thanks daddy’ in her sweet quiet voice.. sometimes she plays up with him but he disciplines her very well and gets through to her by taking her toys away, not letting her get her way etc. he’s really good with her. He hates it when SD is horrible with me and he constantly thanks me for sticking around and for everything I do.
Honestly, the situation sucks.. he works all different shifts and we have her 50/50 I look after her majority of the time and he’s working so all good but I’m starting to resent this kid, I find myself thinking ‘don’t worry kiddo, I can think of about 856 other things I’d rather be doing that looking after you right now’
if my partner wasn’t the most loving, sweet, kind hearted, loyal and perfect man in this world I seriously could not do this. Leaving him is not an option, I don’t even know what the point to this post is lol.
BM is absolutely horrible to me, she said to my partner that she will never ever meet me etc. she parties every weekend while I’m looking after her demon spawn.. pisses me off! The kid has issues because her mum has introduced her to 4 different boyfriends just this year who have all failed. She has another 2yr old with another guy who abused her now they are in a court battle for the other kid but she has asked us to have mySD full time on at least 3-4 occasions because she cannot handle her. She’s hard work.
i don’t know how to even tell my partner that I don’t want the child full time, it feels like no one wants her it’s sad. I know I have to step up. I am currently organizing counseling for her.
I think it’s even harder because I lost my son 3yrs ago at 25 weeks and I was dying to have a baby but this little asshole has put me off kids for life hahaa I don’t even know if I want them anymore?!
Anyway, probably pointless post but thanks for reading. I guess I’m feeling a little helpless over here, I do it all for my partner but it’s so hard to love a child that treats you like crap.we think she has an issue with trying to walk all over females, her mum lets her get away with everything to avoid conflict and tantrums. So now I’m here trying to fix it.. oh the joys!
Only read the title.Call an
Only read the title.
Call an exorcist.
Seriously after reading your post:
"if my partner wasn’t the most loving, sweet, kind hearted, loyal and perfect man in this world"
Really?
Wowzer!
How does this great catch end up with such a rude, disrespectful, feral child who you actually (incorrectly) blame for parenting fails?
we think she has an issue with trying to walk all over females, her mum lets her get away with everything to avoid conflict and tantrums.
Where do you think she learned this?
Honestly, if you were my friend, I would tell you not to bother with this circus.
Get yourself out of this situation because there is so much wrong here, that it is too exhausting to even type it.
When dealing with demons in the house, the best advice in the horror movie is:
GET OUT!!!
Hahaha thank you for taking
Hahaha thank you for taking the time to respond. I know exactly what you mean, I know it comes from her mother. The past few years my partner was deployed so her mother had her full time. I think she just needs some good counseling. I know what is best is that we have her full time and teach her how to be a normal move kiddo but that means I’ll be doing most of it..
so yeah he really is an amazing guy and I love him to death. I don’t want to leave so I guess I’m just having a rant for no reason lol.
Ive vented to a few friends who have said the same thing as you.
I don't think you 'have to
I don't think you 'have to step up' at all! You have done so much already! It's time for this kid's PARENTS to step up! If your boyfriend is working a bunch of the time he has the kid, why does he have the kid so much?? You are NOT the babysitter nor should you be expected to be so. He needs to find other arrangements for her - you should be able to have a life, not just be absorbed into this one.
Thank you so much. So true,
Thank you so much. So true, not my job to step up at all but I feel like the mum doesn’t want her so I need to if she has any chance at being normal.
Its just so hard to love a child that isn’t yours and is also so damn rude. Honestly, if she was mine I would give her a slap on the bum if she spoke to me the way she does! I would never have done that as a kid!!
His work situation is changing in a few months so it won’t be as hard so that’s good. I hate feeling like a baby sitter for a mother who hates me! He says ‘don’t think of it like that, it’s for me and for us’
hard not to..
It’s great that you’re
It’s great that you’re willing to be a nanny. So many women are good that way. Hopefully you’re getting paid quite well for your services.
By by the way, the girl is a product of both of her parents; your boss included, which means he’s not so nice after all. You’ll see.
Thank you so much. So true,
Thank you so much. So true, not my job to step up at all but I feel like the mum doesn’t want her so I need to if she has any chance at being normal.
Its just so hard to love a child that isn’t yours and is also so damn rude. Honestly, if she was mine I would give her a slap on the bum if she spoke to me the way she does! I would never have done that as a kid!!
His work situation is changing in a few months so it won’t be as hard so that’s good. I hate feeling like a baby sitter for a mother who hates me! He says ‘don’t think of it like that, it’s for me and for us’
hard not to..
"it’s for me and for us"
"it’s for me and for us"
Ummm, no. The only one getting anything out of this is him. And yes, you're right to feel like a babysitter because that is exactly what you are right now. How did he manage before you were there to take care of his daughter? How does your job fit into this?
Whatever happens, please put your foot down about taking her 100% because, before you know it, you'll suddenly be sole responible for her and the home and that's when the resentment will start to build up big time.
As for BM, well, tel yourself you really don't care one way or another what she thinks of you. She hates you and never wants to meet you? Who cares - that's just one source of stress off the table :) Remnd yourself that what goes on in her home is of no interest to you and that you choose not to hear the details about it (after all, what can you do about it?).
Finally, if you decide that you actually want to babysit this child, ake damn sure your bf understands that you will not tolerate him doing his ex any favours by taking his daughter more than he is expected to by the CO just to dump her on you. He might want to do her favours but you emphatically do not.
My thoughts exactly. The
My thoughts exactly. The times where the BM has been really rude to me I’ve snapped and said I don’t want to raise her kid! He says it’s not for her, it’s for me. She’s my child.
I feel like he desperately wants his daughter around and we have her set days now and he knows he couldn’t do it if I didn’t help. It just feels like such a drag, last week I had the kid all weekend and she was horrible to me on the Sunday. She copped it from her dad for it but honestly I need to start making myself not available, you’re right. I feel like all he wants is his little family which is us 3 together but it’s so damn hard to love a child that isn’t yours. Particularly a rude one.
You have resentment because when this kids
dad has her and he knows he is incapable of caring for her because of work or whatever activities, he’s palmed the parenting and care off to you.
When i married my husband only ss thn 15.5 was living with us. At the very most hubby would ask if ss got home yet or has he gone out.. never would i be expected to care for him like prepare meals and do his laundry, he’s old enough to figure that out himself...
you need to let your partner know that you can’t care for his kid, there are so many behavioural issues that need to be addressed so he should deal with it. Reality is because he doesn’t have to parent her and deal with the shit, he can’t see how selfish he is being.
its just the same with lazy arse dads who’s wife or partner just gave birth and he’s partying out with mates or comes home and sleeps or plays with his phone and watches tv. He’s an absent parent.
please don’t excuse him or try justify it for him, thats excusing his lack of parenting. I really drilled it into my hubby last yr how his lack of parenting resulted in 3 effed up pathetic kids, 2 whom are adults. I remind him what my 2 & 3.5 yr old do that his kids with ex are incapable of. Helping put dirty laundry in washing machine, help tidying up their toys and mess, my 2 yr old loves to vacuum and even knows how to turn it on and off, he even sweeps and played with the clean mop we just bought. My daughter helps feed her brother.
But god forbid ss is asked to empty trash daily “imaginary stress syndrome” happens, if he is asked to clean and vacuum the house, oh i’m stressed and its a manipulative tactic to shut hubby up
know what started fixing this ridiculous shit up, telling hubby to tell 21 year old princess D to grow the eff up and for hubby to grow a pair of balls and effin parent his kid. I am no ones maid or little bitch at home to take care of lazy inconsiderate pricks... only then did hubby feel embarrassed of this patheticness. Oh and just to really drill the message home, i asked hubby “and you had 3 kids with an ex where you both were incapable of parenting and raising and you still thought it was a great idea to get her pregnant 3 times??”
believe me even then hubby tried to play the innocent victim how he’s stressed and has a headache. I told him to stop inventing some pathetic excuse like his son. When he tried to claim his hands hurt so i would feel sorry and give in, I suggested he stop playing on his phone when he got home, no wonder his hands hurt
He's a wonderful, perfect,
He's a wonderful, perfect, fantastically awesome guy who expects me to care for his devil child when he's working.
Please dissect what's wrong with that sentence.
Tell him that you are no longer willing to be child care for his troubled child, and you will quickly find out whether he's truly the awesome fantastically perfect guy you hope he is. He might be, in which case he will say, "I completely understand, that's not your job, I will change my work schedule and/or make child care arrangements right away."
OR, he will guilt trip you, say you hate his kid, etc. etc. Then you will know.
Exactly.... when i had major issues with the skids
never did my husband say we can’t be together if you don’t love them.
he said he understood, the shunning and alienation was what he experienced right after the divorce and he shut down and didn’t deal with the issues right away...
he said he was selfish and wrong for him to expect i suck it up while he not deal with the issues. It was never a healthy way to live and he knew it. When i told him i was done with his kids and wanting to ever try maintaining a relationship with any of them because what happened to me, how i was treated for years and the fact ss laughed when he knew i was in so much pain hurt and sadness, all hubby said was he understood and it was my right... my husband manages his relationship with my akids away from me.
its selfish for any bio parent to expect the stepparent suck it up and do the hard yard while they are free to not do it... those that think this is our job as stepparents, yeah no...
I know how bad it sounds. Isn
I know how bad it sounds. Isn’t that what a partnership is though? Helping each other and being like a little family? He does things for me too I know I make it sound like I’m doing it all. He treats me so well and there is so much trust, loyalty etc. I just honestly wish he didn’t have a kid. I know it’s a horrible thing to say I just struggle to feel anything for her. Maybe it will come with time..
The issue is when the new spouse is treated like dirt
and they ignore it, turn a blind eye and make excuses when the spouse brings up these issues. We don’t bring up these issues for fun, we bring them up so home is a healthy harmonious environment
the spouse isn’t in a partnership if he/she is allowing their partner be treated like dog shit by his little ferals. They aren’t interested in rocking the boat but they are selfish enough to bring another person into this toxic mess
i understand when there are changes like getting married or a new partner that there will be a slight adjustment period but we’re talking about basic stuff here, respect, civility, politeness and acknowledging people but these pathetic failures of parents make it like they’ll die and what we expect or should get is totally unreasonable
my husband used to justify or excuse the skid issues by saying he works fulltime in a highly stressed job and on call all the time which he gets paid well so we can live comfortably but that doesn’t excuse this shit... i’m a sahm and i most of the time take care of the home, thats what i do for hubby, myself and my kids but that doesn’t excuse hubby from turning a blind eye when he sees theres a mess or he just ate and can’t be bothered to wash dishes or do a load of laundry when i’ve been busy with the kids or university assignments.
hubby drilled into ss wash your dishes. When we had water outage but there was a big container of water on standby to wash dishes, hubby made lazy arse ss come to the sink and wash his dishes. There was no dump in the sink and forget about it...
the sooner you open your eyes that your partner is treating you as a surrogate mummy maid when you shouldn’t be, the better. Your resentment is building up.
heck when my hubbys exwife (batshit crazy hcgubm narcissist and pas) upto her usual manipulative tactics and in damage control mode to 2 gullible sd’s called my sil singing me praises and that i loved her kids like my own (i wanted to punch this exwife in the face metaphorically speaking), i have never met the ex wife and no-one including me ever saod i love my skids like my own. How can i when they have treated me like dog shit and done their best to let me and my kids know we aren’t welcome (my kids are their half siblings), they go out of their way to put me at the bottom and raise their bio mum as a priority and relevant in hubbys life, their miniwife syndome doesn’t at all make me love them even 1 bit. But somehow a bio mum who never wanted these kids in the 1st place, who can’t even be capable of nurturing them somehow expects a non relative to love them like their own...
one big happy families rarely exist in stepfamilies
Watching someone else's
Watching someone else's troubled child all day is not "just what good partners do." Bringing your spouse coffee in bed is what good partners do. Being kind and supportive when someone has a bad day is what good partners do. What you are doing is huge, and I suspect you are doing it out of fear you will lose him if you don't.
He may do little things for you, but you are doing a HUGE thing for him, and it's time to find out if he recognizes that and is willing to put your feelings FIRST, yes, first over the child's and first over his own.
I’m detect a cavalier
I’m detect a cavalier attitude towards those here who are caring to respond to your initial post. Are you playing or are you serious? Not so sure I believe your story. If by chance you’re sincere, you have a lot to learn!
OMG
you are not married yet, your babysitting this child. And you are venting? First, this kid has a BM and BF you are not one of them. Unfortunately you will never be this kids mother. That you must understand, if your SO is not home this kid should be at BM. Not with you, the girlfriend. You are asking for trouble.
At 6 yo she understand enougt to play you. What is is doing, she is trying to break you up so BM and BF gets back together. She will always play you, she will try to take Akkad the power in this relationship. Becoming a mini wife. you must step back.
Welcome to Stalk, you are
Welcome to Stalk, you are your SOs free nanny. If he’s so loving and sweet and wonderful why is he burdening you with HIS child? Right now you are drinking the kool aide thinking that because you love him you must take care of HIS child. Take a step back and ask yourself if your best friend came crying to you about her boyfriends demon seed how would you respond honestly?
Yeah, it does feel like I
Yeah, it does feel like I have to.. it’s hard, I need to draw a line. I work all week I want to relax on my weekend not entertain his child. I just feel like it’s holding up my end of the deal and showing that I am a good partner. I dunno..
So next week/weekend your partner says sd is coming over
And you mnow he’s working, you calmly say “great are you watching and taking care of her the whole time or will you be hiring a babysitter?”
when he goes “hun/babes whats wrong you always care for her while i work or am out with my friends etc”, your response is a calm (actually i’m busy doing things that week, i have work, errands, a spa date, catching up with friends etc so you are responsible for her as she is your kid”
and please do not let him ever say the whole fake “oh hun she is our kid, she loves you like her mummy and wants to spend time with you and misses you”
my husband recently pulled this fake “one big happy family shit on me”, so i hit him hard with when he said the girls miss you and our 2 toddlers “oh is that why they have been no contact and ignored us for 10 + months?”, when hubby claimed i was imagining them being rude and disrespectful i laid down the facts that quality family time means us doing family stuff together, not skids ranting about bio mums life and stepdad the whole time, its not sd’s saying they will do whatever they want no matter how stupid inappropriate rude disrespectful and dangerous it could be and for hubby to justify this as them being playful. Hubby claimed he is sure they have no bad intentions against us... really?? Is that why their mum, stepdad and family go to witch drs to learn how to harm people and break into their home?
Yeah it shut him up quick and he was still in bloody denial
this is what gave me the best results in the 4.5 yrs i have been married to hubby
She refuses to even meet you,
She refuses to even meet you, but is happy to dump her spawn on you half the time...stupid bitch. To save your sanity you need to put your foot down. If DH isn't around, skid doesn't come over; you're not DH and BM's babysitter, even though they're treating you like one. As soon as I refused to have skid when DH isn't here, things started to get a whole lot better. I couldn't take that brat, her shitty behaviour or her nasty lies anymore. I won't allow myself to be alone with her anymore, so she has no ammunition. Now I don't have to spend nearly as much time having to tolerate her invading my home.
I know, and she knows it’s me
I know, and she knows it’s me always having her. Wouldn’t she want to know who is raising her child? Too busy getting drunk every weekend and opening her legs. She wants more kids, so it will be 3 with 3 different dads.. she’s a hot mess.
I feel like I’m helping him so much when I do help him have her though and it allows him to have his daughter in his life. Before I used to try and ya doe it by myself when she was naughty, but he has told me to call him anytime at all when she is being rude and horrible so now I am calling him a few times each time I have her when she’s screaming in the background because I’m not going to sugar coat it and act like I can deal with it anymore he needs to know how bad she is. He just bought me a ticket away for a mini holiday to get some breathing space with my family he could see I needed it and he thanks me every day and I know how much he appreciates my time. I feel like it’s a good partnership and I would never too so selfish to say, no we aren’t having her while you aren’t here but I’ve definitely put my foot down with not tolerating her tantrums which is exactly what he has asked me to do.
It's good that you're calling
It's good that you're calling her out to her father in her full view. She needs to know she can't get away with acting up just because it's you taking care of her. At least DH is supportive and obviously appreciative of what you do for him and SD. You both being on the same page is great and will hopefully bring SD to heel. Good luck.
Thank you so much. I really
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your comment. I know If roles were reversed I would be so happy if my partner was supportive. We are definitely on the same page with the discipline so hopefully she pulls her head in!
he works all different shifts
he works all different shifts and we have her 50/50 I look after her majority of the time and he’s working so all good but I’m starting to resent this kid
^^^^^^^^Why on earth are you watching this child if the majority of the time he's working. The child should only be there when he's home, if he's not she stays with her mother. Why take on this unnecessary burden? Do you think you're doing him favors?
i don’t know how to even tell my partner that I don’t want the child full time, it feels like no one wants her it’s sad. I know I have to step up. I am currently organizing counseling for her.
From the sounds of it her own parents don't even want to be around her so why are you stuck babysitting her? You don't have to "step up". The parents of this child do and they are failing her in the worse way. Why are YOU organizing anything your SO should be doing all this. You are stepping into things that you have no business doing. You're not even married to him and playing wifey/stepmom. If you keep doing things for both your SO and BM they will NEVER effectively parent their daughter. It's like you are overcompensating but why?
I always had on my head that
I always had on my head that I had to feel like she was my own or treat her as my own for this to work so I have always made myself feel that way about the situation. I’ve never said to him, it’s your kid go do this or that. I’ felt like if I put that wall up I would never end up loving her and become attached. I do what I can to make my partner happy, he does the exact same. We cook for each other, we love each other and appreciate each other. He often says he knows he couldn’t have the child if it were t for me and that he appreciates everything I do. We wanted to give the child a stable hone so that’s why we have set days where we have her and she knows where she is going. If we just went by his roster we would have her different days each week and would have to have lots of contact organizing that with BM which I do not want.
in a few months he starts a new job so the whole situation changes again but he will be able to structure it a lot better.
I probably am over
I probably am over compensating.. I love making him happy, we love making each other happy so I do what I can to help.
Yes, you are overcompensating
Yes, you are overcompensating. Let him deal with his child the majority of the time. Loving him doesn't mean you have to love her or even like her, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to be an equal parent to her.
Find out now if he will still be the great guy he is when you start setting limits, because eventually you are going to get very resentful about this.
IMHO it does not really
IMHO it does not really matter who it comes from. What matters is that this demon spawn behaves as she is choosing to behave.
Far from being Mr. Perfect, your DH is an abject failure of a husband and a father. He does not effectively parent his child and end her behaving as she does towards you. He does not end BM's interference in your life or hold BM accountable for her crap. That pretty much takes care of the topic of Mr. Perfect.
Each and every time this 6yo gets lippy you flip her in the lips with the backs of your fingers, swat her on the ass, march her to a corner by a twisted ear and plant her nose in the corner to stand there without a sound or movement until you get tired. Each time you explain that her lippy shit returns unpleasant consequences and point out how when she is well behaved her life is pleasant.
If Daddy and BM can't parent, then they can STFU while you do it. If they don't like how you do it, they can step up and parent their own before you have to or have your back. That should be the only choice you give them.
Sadly you are not only raising a 6yo, you are raising a BM and your own DH.
Not a job I would do.
Rags makes a good point. I'm
Rags makes a good point. I'm not sure I agree with the specifics, but it leads me to ask if you have responsibility for her AND authority to discipline her while your DH isn't there? If you have responsibility and no authority, then you truly are a babysitter.
What happens when she turns into Demon Child when your DH isn't home? Calling him and having him discipline her LATER (if he even does) doesn't address the problem NOW.
It's good that he appreciates what you are doing. But please don't lose yourself while you are proving to him that you are a good partner. Sacrificing your own wants, needs, dreams, and even the smaller things like time alone or going out with your friends will just make you resentful over time. You might wake up one day and wonder where YOU went.
Not your job at all as...
you’re not married and even then... your job as a spouse would be to support his parenting decisions, not raise his kid for him.
And sorry, most parents can’t walk away from their kids because they’ve had a stressful day at work. Tell that @ssh&le BM she’ll be having her daughter as per the decree...