step daughter living at home
Good afternoon all,
New here. I've been married for 10 + years now. my adult step daugther has lived with us for 3-5 years of that time. She works but pays nothing, and walks around the house as if the world owes her something. my wife enables her all day every day, to the point i dare not say anything to her. as it would cause a fight. her room is a trash dump, and she doesnt clear up after herself. she shops online all day, as package are delivered to the house, daily. my wife has her head in the sand, and is scared to say anything to her. according to my wife she doesnt want to lose her. but she is losing me. we have been living apart again now for 8 months. and the plan was to come back together, after sitting down with the 27 year old step daughter about new rules once i return. now, my wife and i purchased the condo they are living in now. i'm rethinking that. it was a bad move on my part of the step daughter will be there and not change. my wife states it will all work out. Im thinking i should remain in my apartment and just divorce and move on. i cant go back to the same CRAP. i see nothing has changed. i stay over the weekend some times and i see nothing has changed. I'm at a lose to what to do! love my wife, but i will not live this life anymore! we belong to the same church, and we've talked to our pastor, well i have and most if not all of the elders. And as long as you agree with my wife all is well. if you disagree with her, she will move on from you. And i'm speaking of elders in our church. we completed married classes, and had one on one classes and nothing has changed... LOST NEED HELP
legal advice.
27 is perfectly old enough to attempt to go into the big wide world, with a small amount of help initially if needs be. Your wife is scared of letting go of her (only child?) and possibly needs some counselling with/without you. I would recommend that you seek legal advice ASAP. Without leaving any clues. You haven’t said if your wife works, As long as your wife doesn’t have any consistent ongoing complaints about you (ie you are generally kind to her) then a gentle reminder of that it is you that is responsible for all her needs, and that step daughter may have a family of her own one day, may help Get your legal advice before you approach her about any ideas of a possible separation though. and if she doesn’t like the idea of counselling maybe you might like to consider going on your own. The best counsellor I had gave me a simple printed sheet stating 1) you have the right to say no, you have the right to change your mind, and other things that help with personal boundaries if you believe someone might be taking the Micky. If your wife hasn’t had any serious fillings out with her daughter she won’t loose her, her daughter will at some point be very grateful. - just maybe not initially. She may be a little prickly, as she does have it a little cushy. But if I had Stayed at home I wouldn’t have my four lovely kids now etc, so I’m eternally grateful to my mum and stepdad for both good and bad.
You have a lot going on here
Lets take things point by point. Its your first post, so I would first reccomend reading more, unless you have been reading already.
1. SD 27 has things great right now - why WOULD she consider changing? Paying rent sucks when its paid for you and it leaves a nice big chunk of cash left over for SHOPPING. She needs to start payng towards the mortgage if you are to move back. If you dont move back then its time to divorce.
2. The entitlement and enmeshment are all your wifes doing, Im sure you have realised that by now. Wife has everything she could want, liike SD, why WOULD SHE WANT TO CHANGE ANYTHING????? She has you - her cake. And her daughter, all snug as a bug in a rug. If Wife doesnt want you first and foremost as a partner, time to divorce.
3. Its wifes way or nothing, and she "gets mad". So you are afraid of her "getting mad". Thats part of gaslighting, and narcissistic peple will have 3 modalities; charm to get what they want (I love you I married you didnt I), then rage, if they didnt get what they want (You are a cold-hearted bast@rd, just like my ex!!!!) and then victim, after you have responded with reason...(how could you try to separate me from MY CHILD! What kind of HUSBAND DOES THAT???? Thats abuse!) If any of this sounds familiar to you, then wife is a Narcissist and they dont really change, so expecting change is an excercise in futility, and the only option is divorce.
3. You stated "living apart AGAIN". Yep. Consider that you must look into divorce. Nothing will change except you will be able to find happiness and they can have each other!
I think you know what you
I think you know what you need to do.
Let your wife that the condo needs to be sold
I suggest telling your wife that she needs to buy out your share of the condo or it needs to be sold for you collect your share. Sometimes GUBM need an eye opener to get it through their head that the world doesn't revolve around a damn adult skid.
Personally after all the counseling and talking you say has been done and nothing has changed, I would tell her that you are selling the condo and you want nothing to do with her and her adult lazy kid. Contact a good divorce attornery and make sure she doesn't get any of your retirement.
If you and your wife purchased this home together
No way would i move out. You have rights to demand sd doesn’t live any longer at your home for free, you have rights to demand she live on her own, she can come for visits of polite etc but no living in.
No way would i move out of home. Basically this past year your wife and skid have been living in a home while you incur more costs financially livig on your own. Your wife is not interested in change, she has used a delay stall tactic with the hopes you’d fall into line and move back in so you could be their atm
You are not lost. You know
You are not lost. You know exactly where you are and more importantly where this non-marriage is. Your wife is supposed to be YOUR equity life partner and you and the marriage are supposed to be the uncontestable priority for her as she and the marriage are to be for you. She is having a toxic emotional affair with her own daughter at your espense and the expense of the marriage.
Insist that she buy you out of the condo. She is not your wife. You do not love her. You love the concept of her. She... is not worthy of your love.
Move on, live your life and put this emotionally adulterous woman and her insestuous emotional cheat partner out of your life.
You already know what you
You already know what you need to do. Your wife is enabling the 27yo. There is NO REASON for a grown adult to be in your home with your wife. One of two things needs to happen: The 27 yo moves out, or you file for divorce. My suspicions tell me that if you told the 27yo to move out, your wife would make excuses as to why she needs to stay. Sounds like wife is codependent upon the daughter and perhaps, vice versa.