First post plea!
So, hello people! This is my first post and I’m hoping you knowledgable creatures can give me some direction. I wasn't sure if this was the right forum to post in, as it's kind of a mixture of things.
I’ve been with my OH for a fair while now. Shes got a teenage daughter from a previous relationship (so my SD) who lives with us, and we have one toddler aged child together. I have so much love and respect for my OH and she’s the best mum to my child that I could ever hope for. Although our relationship isn’t perfect, she treats me really well aswell, and I know that the love is mutual.
Initially, SD and I were close and got on really well and generally speaking, she was the ideal child. But recently she’s become a nightmare with her attitude, and she’s got a bad one probably 98% of the time. I don’t have much patience when it comes to that kind of thing, and if I think about it, we’ve barely said a word to each other for about 3 months now. I find it easier to ignore her, than to lose my s**t at her constant bad attitude. I’ve spoken to my OH about this, and nothing has changed.
Ive been thinking recently about what I want in life, and to be honest, I’ve not really got very far with deciding...
The main issue in my mind is that I’m not sure I want to or able to commit to years more of this step-parent thing, and I’m wondering if I’d be better off out of this relationship.
If I would be better off out, how would I go about ending this? I am absolutely desperate not to break my OH’s heart, and I’d want to do everything I could to support her and make the split as easy as possible for her. The thought of her struggling with things kills me. I’m also genuinely scared of leaving our child together, and although I’m sure my OH wouldn’t make things difficult in relation to that, I don’t want to leave my child.
If I would be better off staying in, how do I go about making the changes needed to fill the little missing bits and change the step-parenting stuff?
I’ve been feeling this way for probably about 6 months or so now.
Any direction would be greatly appreciated, and I’m happy to clarify anything if needed!
Your child should be the priority.
Your responsibility is to first care for your own child and provide the best home for her you can. It sounds like your relationship with your DW is OK other than the SD issues.
So deal with the SD issues. She is a teenager so this is naturally a bad time and you will get attitude from her. This is something bio parents have to deal with too, it's just harder when it's not your own kid and you have to suffer through this without being able to weigh in or discipline. If your SD is otherwise on the right track (successful in school, plans for future education, etc.) then this could be a "temporary" problem. She got along with you before, you may be able to resurrect that relationship when she matures. Hopefully she will launch in a few years and then you won't have the issues in your own home anymore.
Talk to your DW and tell her the two of you need to sit down with a professional and come up with a plan to manage your SD during these difficult teen years. If she is not willing to do that, then you need to slowly start to disengage - which means stepping back from anything to do with SD. I would do so without announcing it to your DW. Read up on disengagement as it may be helpful.
Good luck.
Welcome to the site!
Always nice to welcome a new UK member! not many of us here. I agree with all that 2Tired4Drama said. Girl teenagers are difficult - is her bio father in the picture at all? Have you tried talking to SD just the two of you and try to find out what is causing the change in her attitude towards you? One thing that it might be, is that she feels pushed out by the child you recently had with your OH and feels that the three of you are a cosy little family where there is no place for her. Not saying you foster this dynamic, but nevertheless it might be perceived by her this way. Teens often have black moods. Or it may be something else. If you formerly got on well, and you still do with your OH, then at least have a stab at sorting things out.
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Thank you both!
I think I've probably already disengaged from SD. She doesn't direct her attitude towards me specifically, it seems to be towards everyone and life in general. Hence why I've come to a bit of a dead-end really.
So, if you have disengaged..
So, if you have disengaged.. and you don't financially support the girl... how much impact is she REALLY having on your life? As a teen, she will or should be out of the home before too long (at 18) and if she is like most teens will spend a lot of her time at school or out with friends or at a job (that would be a good suggestion for your wife to insist the girl starts to work a bit).
I know it's not super fun to be around a moody/brooding teen girl because my OSD was like that.. but as long as my DH was the one dealing with her.. and she wasn't directly disrespecting me or damaging my property.. I just ignored her.
Yeah, probably, to be honest.
Yeah, probably, to be honest.
FInd a woman that doesn't have children and have a nice nuclear family, and don't mess it up. You'll have 0% step stress, and step stress is hardly worth the effort.
You, unlike many others, will have firsthand experience with step-drama. It'll help you to better appreciate your step-free wife and family. It's hard enough dealing with your own teenagers, the "new" expectations that will be piled on just aren't worth it.
Don't ever think for a second that this is the only woman in the world. There are literally billions, and there's someone for everyone. In the case that she's the only one for you, statistically speaking, you probably have a near genetic clone on the planet. Find your significant other's near genetic clone - and ask if she has kids.
How old is SD? Is she on a
How old is SD? Is she on a path to launch? (ie, is she doing okay in school, has plans for further education, job, etc?)
Is your wife willing to step up her parenting of SD?
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Thank you all.
SD seems to be doing everything else well to be fair to her. As I say, I've spoken about this with my OH multiple times, who has in turn spoken to SD about the situation, but nothing changes.
You are the adult. If SD is
You are the adult. If SD is an incorrigible little shit play the the adult card and send her to her room until she pulls her head out and behaves. Every time she gets lippy, bitchy or snarky... "Go... TO....YOUR.... ROOM!" When she asks why, explain it once. After that the answer in "Because.... I.... said.... so."
I would not give up an otherwise good marriage over a snarkly little shit of a Skid. I would not abandon my toddler to the unmitigated parenting that resulted in your SD's behavior or the unsupervised influence that SD will have on your child over the years if you pull the plug.
You said that other than the SD the marriage is good. Focus on the behaviors and enjoy your marriage and the family that is you, your bride and your baby. Structured standards of behavior with escalating age appropriate consequences will improve the situation with SD. Particularly when she is spending most of her time isolated in her room for her snarky crap.
Good luck.
Take care of you and the baby.
Thank you...
Thank you! It's very hard work at the moment. I guess I'll look at SD as being a small part of a big thing, and as you say, deal with the behaviour as appropriate.