For us, it means I don't do SS's laundry, I don't clean up after him, I don't make his lunches. 

Mind you if dh is at the store or something then obviously I will feed him if hungry and it's meal time...otherwise I'll pull out an apple or yogurt or granola bar or something easy.

I raised my own kids to get what they get... and while at first dh was Disney when it came to eating, he quickly realized that I'm the queen of the kitchen and don't you dare make another meal for a picky kid. 

SS is 6, so relatively helpless... and I'm anal about kids raiding my fridge and pantry... so while mine can essentially eat whatever and whenever they want, they were also raised to know that I expect family meal time (barring scheduling issues for work etc) and to be self-aware; they know they can have an apple or something before dinner, but don't go making yourself KD or a fried egg sandwich.. they actually generally ask when dinner will be ready (IF I'm cooking...) and they ask if I'm planning to make dinner if I haven't started cooking... 

Since I want them to be self-sufficient, I purposely don't cook a few nights a week... one night is fend for yourself (dh makes ss a pbj usually) and one night I get my kids (13, 15, almost 17) to make something and make enough for everyone... sometimes 2. Depends how much they've annoyed me to be honest lol

I make lunches for dh and I sometimes... he doesn't expect it (he learned that I do it if I feel like it, not out of obligation) but while I will also gather snacks for ss's because it would be a bit of a dick move for me to grab 2 bars, 2 apples, 2 yogurt etc and not 3 since I'm there and gathering ANYWAY, I don't make his "main lunch" unless I'm making sandwiches for dh and I. If we're having leftovers, then it's already packed from the night before and dh can figure it out... but if I'm making deli sandwiches or something, then it's just as easy for me to make 3 than 2..again, kinda dick-ish if I don't.

To be honest when dh notices I'm making lunches, he'll help so really I can't complain. Same the other way around. He usually makes ss's lunch, but IF he also makes himself one, he'll make one for me, too.

I don't get ss ready in the morning. I will "remind" dh about stuff if we're heading out the door and I know it's going to rain but ss is wearing the wrong shoes (indoor vs outdoor...) but for the most part dh is ok. Even if ss sometimes goes to school/daycare with the same clothes as the day before. Not my problem. I don't get involved unless it's -30 and we're leaving without ss's scarf or whatever... OR if we're going somewhere where *I* will be the one to get the stink eye if ss isn't up to the dress code, like a restaurant or my family's houses... 

As for discipline ; I treat it like a neighbour child. NOBODY jumps on my furniture,walks inside with outdoor shoes, leaves shit in the toilet, has a screamfest... and EVERYONE must pitch in somehow be it picking up after themselves, taking turns cleaning bathrooms, etc.. well not that I'd make a neighbour kid clean the bathroom, but I'd have zero qualms with sending a neighbour kid back to wipe down a sink full of spit up toothpaste after brushing their teeth.

I expect basic manners and common courtesy. Anything beyond that my tolerance level is very much mellowed out when it comes to ss... because his dad is very rough around the edges, whereas my mom used to call me miss post... so I expect basic and try to ignore the rest, unless it's something I can't handle and even then...it'll take me some time to express it.

Dh smokes pot, I do not. I generally wait until he's mellowed out in the evening and will bring it up then. He's less defensive. I can say things like "I was thinking, babe, that maybe this would be a good time to start expecting ss to...scrape his own dish...carry his own bag to the vehicle... try having some dinner without you smothering it in ketchup before he tries it... start trying to fall asleep without you rubbing his back for 20 minutes... start spending some quiet time in his room in the morning before expecting you to rush down and sit with him..." and so on. I usually back it up somehow.. like.. "I know he's your baby and you want to take care of him; just think how happy he will  be when you tell him you're proud of him for doing XYZ on his own like a big boy!"

I kind of manipulate him, I suppose, by stroking his ego while making him think it's his own idea...because it takes him a few days and he'll then do whatever I mentioned, slowly... and make it out like it's just something he's trying and did I notice? Did I see how good as is about it?

I hold in the eye rolls. I'm totally ok with dh thinking it was all him...because it's easier and EVERYONE wins, most of all ss. 

I expect greetings and goodbyes, because it's just courtesy. 

When ss was freshly 4, he had a day where he was crabby and sucky... I said Hi, he totally ignored me. (Like young kids can do.) I said Hi again... still ignored. Eyes down, turn away. I don't remember all the details now... but I expressed that ss was being rude... dh encouraged him to say hi back... ss didn't want to.  Dh let it go. I got mad at dh... dh said he couldn't force as..  I said true, but as a parent, letting it go means ss learns he can get away with being rude..  and that if he's ok with his kid being rude to his wife, it means that he's ALLOWING the disrespect and that was WORSE. I remember that dh was kind of at a loss... didn't really know how to handle it... was uncomfortable. I told him something along the lines that there should be consequences for rudeness; around the same time, my OWN son had raised his voice at me and had called me some names... basically being an arsehole teenage couch thinking he's a big man because he's a foot taller and trying to be intimidating (very out of character for my son at the time) over something silly... and I brought him to his knees by grabbing his ear... literally dragged him up the basement stairs and shoved him outside, closed the door, reopened it long enough to toss his jacket and his shoes at him...and told him to get lost, that shit wasn't going to be tolerated. He went to his dad's 2 or 3 days early. After those few days plus the week he was supposed to be at his dad's, my son came back with his tail between his legs and we're still very close... he's never disrespected me again since then, because I told him he had choices to make... because MY choice was to just give his dad support money for the time he should have been with me and I wouldn't have to put up with his attitude. I probably have a post about it. 

Anyway, story was to say that it had happened not long before ss had been rude... and I told dh that there's a standard of behaviour expected in the home, ss wasn't meeting it, and that dh could either resolve the situation by teaching ss that it's not ok to be rude... or he could consider that if I'd toss out my OWN kid, what the hell made him think I'd pit up with that kind of crap from HIS kid? 

Dh resolved the issue. Maybe not as fast as I would have, but he did resolve it.

Disengagement for me means that I don't take on responsibilities that are not mine... I let dh do his parenting job. I help if he asks, because to me that's supporting my husband... but I don't take any of it on unless I FEEL like it. 

Today, as compared to 3 years ago, is very different... obviously ss has his moments, just like any other 6 year old, but for the most part we work well as a family unit.

Dh and I rarely fight... when we do, it's 99% of the time ss related... and usually, it's because of something I feel is not ok while dh thinks it's fine. I step back a little after...and dh comes around, because he realized that the crap I step back from, he's now stuck with... 

Don't get me wrong... if I do something "for the family" I don't disinclude ss... but I also expect that adults run the home and if ss's wants don't work for me, well, veto because adult. Suck it.

For the most part, I can't really complain much about steplife...other than the occasional crap that comes up.

There are some who don't like my ways... and that's ok... but they worked for me.

I think for everyone it is different because everyone has their own boundaries. 

I have slowly started to disengage. For me that means I no longer wake up SD to get ready to go in the morning. That is DH's job. I dont deal with her tantrums anymore either.  

For the most part now, when she doesnt eat I don't get involved. I ignore it. 

I still talk with SD. I do her hair. I pack her school lunch. I occasionally play games. But these are things I choose to do because I want to.

Disengaging sometimes means that you don't participate in some activities with the hubs and his kids.  Now as much as it annoys you to think that they'll have fun without you (and they will), at least you don't have to be around the losers, which means good mental health for you (a bit of peace).  

DH either takes off from work, or he makes arrangements for his kids to be someplace when he not there.  You ate not the default babysitter.  DH takes care of them, as you are not there.  He cooks cleans, ect.  If you want to do something with them you can.  But it not mandatory. 

After the visit ends and the kids are at BM. If DH does not do a good gob cleaning up, you get a service in to do a deep cleaning.  Also you do not pay for any of this, his kids his money