Absence, Ice Cream and Abused Husbands
So, I got the story. Big Picture is that Munchkin was alone all day and had heard from Toxic Troll an hour before she called DH, with promises from her mother of food and ice cream. It was just taking a while (1 freaking hour).
I get that she wants to be with us, I also get that its a long time alone, but she needs to buck up and understand that creating drama will eventually drive me away.
Im so burned out on steplife, we couldnt even get away for 2 days, 2 nights before drama. Its always drama. Thanks for listening to my drivel!
On another note, DH's favorite niece came over for a few hours of conversation. I made mention of the abuse DH encountered with his ex, and she commented about how she actually saw him "really messed up" with claw marks from Toxic Troll. That since Toxic Troll "laid hands" on her favorite uncle, she was no longer interested in being friendly or even speaking to her again. Ive heard those stories and more. Toxic Troll has a looooong history of abuse.
I saw a post on a website about dudes who were cheated on and in abusive relationships. You never really hear about that side of things - perhaps because its not "manly" to admit that your female partner absuses you. Guys dont have the same support system that women do, they think that sharing their story of emotional abuse and cheating spouses is a sign of weakness. My guy is a big, burly, manly type, with a gentle deep voice. It just kills me to think of all the horrible things he has had to endure.
And here, on steptalk, we are dealing with the "emotional fallout" from toxic BM's that have evicerated their marriages, as well as their families. But no one really talks about it; we do HERE, but out THERE, no one discourses on Abusive Wives/Female Partners/BMs. Men are called, wimps and p@ssies if they "allow themselves" to be punched and hit by the woman.
Im just trying to wrap my head around all this phsychological damage.
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Comments
You and I are living in similar worlds
It took DH awhile--and seeing SKs endure it, too--to recognize that HCBM is emotionally abusive. We deal with that fallout and that chaos every single day. After almost 5 1/2 year being married, he's finally starting to realize that he doesn't have to walk on eggshells with me. That I won't punish him if he "steps out of line" and that he doesn't need to ask for my permission to do things. And that I love him no matter what. But dealing with her is pure torture.
SKs are a mess. She's got SS almost 10 co-sleeping with her because she's lonely after her second divorce. And she told SD14 that she could still change her mind when she came out a few months ago. SS has literally never had a friend, he's got speech and motor skill issues, but she thinks he's perfect because he's so desperate for her approval that he's a hollow shell. And SD can just barely stand the sight of her BM, which is really hard because she's there the majority of the time!
I cannot tell you how many times DH and I have argued (which is tough with him because of the abuse) about the chaos of his XW and SKs. There is *always* drama and it's absolutely exhausting!
Add to that
DH doesnt think he needs therapy. Neither does Munhkin because she "has her bff to talk to". I dont know if therapy would help at all, because Feral Forger went to therapy and now shes buying xanax off her friends, and zonked out most of the time.
Yeah, DH is "too busy" for therapy, too
SKs are both in therapy, of course, because according to BM, DH is terrible to them. She uses the therapist against DH as best she can, which is remarkably well. And now she wants SD to be medicated for depression so that her wishes won't be considered during our latest go-round in court for custody.
Therapy is only as good as the work you put in. The only one benefitting in our world is BM--who would benefit from a good therapist herself, except that she's perfect, of course.
Egads. Image management
OF COURSE Dh is mean, nasty and horrid - because if he WASNT then why didnt the marriage/partnership work out? It HAS to be HIS fault, right?
Its so text book. Feral Forger keeps making up stories of horrible abuse, and she learned it from her momma who also makes up stories about how abusive her ex, my DH was. Image management at its worst and best.
How to battle that? Yikes, your SD can speak for herself, but when zonked out on meds. I saw what they did to Feral Forger. She now likes to down them with a shot of whiskey. Because that helps a lot.
From your keyboard to God's ears
That SD can speak for herself. BM put her on anti-depressants at Christmas to "prevent migraines" that SD wasn't having. She was a zombie.
And you're exactly right that it's DH's fault their marriage ended--never mind that it was her that wanted the divorce and that she was already sleeping with someone else. But that was probably DH's fault too, in some way. Image management is right.
The thing people fail to
The thing people fail to understand about therapy is, that poo IS caustic and it WILL leak out eventually if you don't address it.
It's a heavy weight to drag around.
My DH didn't realize he was
My DH didn't realize he was being abused until he got out. It was male socialization to think women are "irrational" and "crazy" and men have to put up with it. BM didn't hit him, but she was psychologically abusive.
When I first met DH he would call himself an asshole, and I used to wonder why because he's so NOT an asshole. Now SS19 calls himself an asshole - gee, what's the common denominator there? BM, who makes people think they are "assholes" if they don't go along with her.
CLove, you can set limits on Munchkin's drama going forward. DH fell right into rushing over to help her, and next time, he shouldn't, and you shouldn't go along or encourage it. I know how hard that is because we had a brief, weird period where SS was texting DH to rescue him from BM instead of vice versa, and we totally fell for it, because we thought BM was such a crap parent.
Don't fall for it and her drama won't have so much impact on you.
The A$$hole
YES, Toxic Troll absolutely LOVES calling DH an A$$hole. with variations. Cold-hearted a$$hole is my favorite, especially after we created an awesome weekend for Munchkin.
Im seeing a trend with Munchkin and her parents. Her bday weekend, when she downloaded a game and it was charged to our phone account and DH told her that "he was tired of texting, was getting irritated, lets talk about it in the morning", Munchkin gets her feelings hurt, so Toxic Troll swoops into the rescue and nasty texting and insults and there goes the nice evening.
This time, mom is taking too long with food and ice cream, after being gone all morning/day/evening, Munchkin calls dad saying she is feeling anxious, and DH swoops in to the rescue, with much stress involved. AGAIN another evening down the drain.
So, hopefully we can reverse this trend.
My DH was verbally
My DH was verbally/emotionally abused by BioHo. Hell, 'Ho emotionally abuses her children.
I don't think any less of a man who has been abused by a woman. IMO, they are apt to say less (or nothing) because of the "masculinity" sterotype. Pffffft. Abuse is abuse is abuse and it is NOT okay.
BTW, an hour is NOT a long time.
Exactly
I texted DH that I got the story and that it was just drama.
Kid has learned it from her mother and her sister. Drama gets you attention, gets you what you want, and dadeeee will jump through hoops for you if you krook your finger.
Not going to let this continue. He needed to know that it was made up drama. The kicker is, that she puts on this sad, baby voice and she never actually ASKED for him to come over. So, hopefully his "rushing in" will slow down now that he understands the scope of things.
We never actually talked it over together...I asked her separately.
Yep, the best thing to do is
Yep, the best thing to do is NOT feed the Drama Monster. Screaming, bawling, lying for attention.... all should receive the same kind of reaction: NO emotion and the knowledge that is it NOT acceptable.
My H was LE, and in part he
My H was LE, and in part he took the abuse because he didn't want to appear weak amongst his peers. BM physically attacked him, made wild accusations against him that almost cost him his job, and the chaos of living with her (because of the kid, of course. Men always seem to stick around for the sake of the kids.) deeply affected him emotionally. Then when he did finally leave, she withheld his kid and made all sorts of vile accusations against him in the custody battle (rape, stalking, kicking her in the stomach causing a miscarriage when she had had an abortion, causing his kid to be suicidal, blah, blah).
This was all years ago, and I have seen change in the LE community. A few of DH's coworkers have actually called 911 for domestic issues with their partners, and there's more support and education available to officers of both genders. It's a start, but there needs to be more accountablility and less gender bias applied to these crazy women. We SMs see the damage they cause firsthand. Here in the US we claim to be all about equality, but we have a looong way to go when it comes to holding women accountable for the choices and actions.
Men and abuse
When DH and BM were going through a divorce, they met with a counselor. After the counselor suggested that DH go for 50/50 custody, BM stormed out and never met with the counselor again. In a session with just DH, the counselor told him, "divorce will be good for you, because she is abusive." DH told me that he didn't believe the counselor because he thought that men couldn't be abused. BM pretty much did everything - name calling and berating, manipulation, withholding money, making crazy accusations, blame and deflection, trying to turn his family against him, and even physical violence (DH was a big guy, so she would hit him, but never actually injured him). As he told me recently, "she thinks I'm garbage", when really he's a thoughtful guy with a huge heart and a great, loving dad. He's also a hard-worker with a good job. I'm also sure he treated her like a queen because that's his personality, despite the fact that she was a witch. Like many above, he thought he should put up with all of this because he's loyal and they should stay together for the kids.
It doesn't help that DH's family has bought into the idea that he and BM don't get along because he's just being mean, disrespectful, and stubborn. My current counselor told me that she thought DH's family "live in an alternate reality" when it comes to their views of BM. It doesn't take much to see how DH thought BM's behavior was in the realm of normal, considering how his mother and brother treat him. They also do a lot of blaming and shaming.
I wish this topic was more discussed, because I think then society could finally accept that women abuse, too and that verbal and emotional abuse is also quite damaging. The more we expose dysfunction of all types, the greater our chances of combatting it. If we continue to keep it all secret and pretend that it's not happening, then this type of abuse will continue and people will be caught unaware if they find themselves in these situations and not know how to get out.
Flight Fight today on yahoo
This popped up on Yahoo Lifestyle. And no - I havent done any searches on female abuse of male partner!
Just the energy is out there today or something.
https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/american-airlines-flight-woman-smashes-l...
My husband was married to his hcgubm
Narcissistic and pas exwife who cheated on him too. She abused him daily and their kids but his kids refused to speak up and he had no proof. Hubby said he just shut down because he couldn’t talk to anyone as he was a man and hehad to address thison his own.
he went into defense mode and shut down
I should also add some interesting details..
Toxic Troll is white and according to DH's family of Asian descent, she always treated him like she was better and he was lesser. His family despises her not only for how she ended things but for how she treated him the whole time. He is very much a people pleaser that enjoys helping folks out if he can.
AND Toxic Troll is very much a jealous woman. She has always been on the heavy side, is now obese and females just naturally gravitate to my DH. I just laugh, and give them a hug. Become friends if we arent already. Hes all mine, and there are no issues there for me - I am definitely NOT a jealous person. In fact, Munchkin thinks its unusual and has made mention that "your friends always kiss my dad". Im like "yup, they are loving and sweet." And they kiss me too. Almost like she is trying to figure me out, to dig to find something there. I hope its reassuring as one time Toxic Troll became VERY jealous of his classic car and carved out profanities on it with scissors. Munchkin remembers crying over that sweet car. We still have it and the profanities have been rubbed out. And someday I will drive it
So, I think jealousy and a weird sense of entitlement have combined into this toxic cocktail she keeps drinking. She is even mad at him because HER friends ditched her and became HIS friends.
Lots to unpack here, thanks if you read this far...