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Moving away while pregnant (Canada)?

QTsmum's picture
Forums: 

The short question (feel free to skip the novel!) Does *Anyone* have any idea if I can move out of the Province while pregnant?  (not married, common law with no other bio kids between us) I tried to find stuff online, but it's mostly USA based.  I'm going to call to make an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow but I'm dying to know.   His DNA is documented in the midwife's files, as I had to get amniocentesis last week.  Ugh.

Shit has hit the fan.  I have a big giant OOPS pregnancy and I'm 17 weeks along.  It's been nothing but a disaster.  

Long story short; I don't trust SS (6 YO).  I am worried that he will hurt this baby.  He has a history of aggression and inappropriate touching, both documented, I think by the school ans CAS (child services; his mother has been investigated for 2 years).  Found out he was hitting and spitting at and scratching a kid last week on the bus at camp.  This sparked the fear that his behaviour will not change without intervention.

DH and I (we are actually common law, not legally married) are having a huge fight.  He hasn't slept here in 3 days.  I told him that i fear for our baby and that if he wants to reconcile we need to go to therapy, his kid needs to go to his own therapy (which I suggested ages ago, and the CAS worker did as well...), we need a strict list of rules for his kid and the baby (NO alone time ever, no touching other than feet...).  The kid also gets huge, atrocious cold sores on his face every other week which can be a fatal virus for a baby, so the no touching is a double whammy.  His kid is a sneaky, manipulative little shit and I have no doubt that once he realizes the baby is getting the attention, he will hurt her when no one is watching.  

Well, DH LOST HIS SHIT that I suggested this.  SImply told me he won't be talking to me for a while and that I am not to call or text him.  If he can't take his head out of his ass long enough to reconize his kid's shit behaviour, than he is NOT someone I want to parent my baby.  I already was nervous about him as a father to my kid, as he's not the greatest to his own.  (IE: no parenting at all; the child will be a deviant).

Now I'm trying to make a game plan.  I would not hate to move away to another Province.  My ExH would be happy for me to do so, as he works 50% of the year out in BC, and honestly, BC was the only place I've ever lived that felt like home!  I have about 25K saved up of my own money and I own 45% of the shares in our business (building bought for $700K, probably worth about $900K with the renos we did).  I also invested in his house renos and paid a lot of the mortgage, so I would see a chunk from that, if he wants to be a complete prick.

But even more than money, I don't want him to have unsupervised access to this baby.  He ditched his kid when he was an infant, for years, to his mother 80% of the time he had custody and his mother is a sh*t guardian.  Plus, she's had dirt bag BM live with her TWICE in the last couple of years and I absolutely refuse to let my baby catch a whiff of that dirty XXXX sack.  (sorry).

This is like all of my nightmares coming true.  I feel so dumb for letting myself fall so hard for a stupid guy and for sticking it out despite the 6000 red flags that smashed me in the face. 

simifan's picture

At least here in the US, you can't establish parental rights until after birth. You may want to check Canada's laws. If you want to leave, i'd do it before the baby is born. 

QTsmum's picture

Yeah, that's my thinking too.  I know he could get a court order saying I can't, but I don't think he can do squat when I'm pregnant.  

But honestly, if he hasn't done anything to help his son with the life he's had with his POS mother, than I doubt he's going to do much to chase me down if I leave.

justmakingthebest's picture

You probably need to consult an attorney. The scary thing is... until something happens, the courts won't likely rule supervised visits to start. I am so sorry. 

Annoyed1's picture

Move before the baby is born. Once you move, file paper work at you local court house regarding supervised visits. Or don’t even put him down as the father on the birth certificate and leave it up to him to do that if he wants. If you stay until the baby is born, then it’s a whole new ball game. Just be sure that this is something you want and not just pregnancy hormones. I’m 35 weeks pregnant right now and I’m all over the place. Lol. Not regarding my husband though. I love him to pieces ♥️

QTsmum's picture

Thank you.  Luckily I have a little bit of time for things to cool, but I'm not hopeful.  If he can't see his child's behaviour for what it is and what is HAS been and he's not willing to get him professional help, which has been recommended by PROFESSIONALS, I just don't know if I can look past it.  I feel like even if we got past this and his kid DID do something to the baby; he would again accuse me of just being mean to his kid and stonewall me again.  And like you said, once the baby is here, the game changes big time.  

I can disengage and make my own choices, but a sweet little baby... I just can't risk it.   *sigh*

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with this. They can't stop YOU from moving and since you and the baby are still one and (I don't know about Canada) you are still in the area where you can abort. I am NOT suggesting you do that, I am just saying that if you move before 20-24 weeks, you can simply state that at the time you moved you weren't even sure if you were keeping the baby. The ball is still 100% in your court right now.

Once the baby is born, wherever you are living becomes the area of residency for the baby. Like I said, your ex will get visitation and likely unsupervised but if you live away, he would have to come to you for the first 1-2 years (especially if you are nursing), which could just prove too difficult for him and he doesn't even bother to try.

I don't usually suggest this kind of move, I fully believe that fathers should be as involved as possible in ALL of their children's lives. So many studies have been done to show the importance of fathers. However, when someone is genuinely scared of physical harm to their child, I don't blame them for wanting to create a separation or a few hurdles in the beginning to see where things go.

ndc's picture

I'm not from Canada, but I don't now how they could prevent you from moving.  Taking the child, maybe, but not moving yourself.  So I'd move now, while you have no choice but to take the child.  

SteppedOut's picture

Move now. Establish residency asap - change your address on your driver's license, with your bank, etc. 

Your husband may not even go after custody if he feels you will bring his kid's issues to light in court (given he is trying to be in denial).

My formerSO's son tried harming my babyBS every chance he could. I gtfo. My formerSO does not (ever) see our shared son, because he knew I 100% would have gone for supervised visitation and pressed for therapy for his kid. 

QTsmum's picture

Did he refuse to acknowldge his kid's behaviour?  I'm honestly baffled.  I'm trying to be smart and try to wade through what is emotional built up resentment, what is pregnancy hormones and what is sane, and I just cannot see the situation any other way than he's completely diulsional about his kid.  He KNOWS the issues the kid has had; why would you not want to seek out therapy? Why the f*ck wouldn't he pursue it when he kid non-stop was inappropriately touching other children and wouldn't stop despite getting in shit from the school and his father?!?!   I think if I did stay (I don't think I will though), I don't think he would have much of a leg to stand on for custody.

 

SteppedOut's picture

Yes, he did refuse to acknowledge his behavior. He made stupid excuses or said he didn't know or he forgot. The kid was 13, so old enough to know better. 

And whenever I suggested the kid should be in therapy - "there is nothing wrong with my kid". There were LOTS of different issues besides the meanness - not one of them was I willing to put up with anymore.

QTsmum's picture

Oh and yes, I've wondered if he takes normal girls and turns them into lunatics myself.  My god, I miss my quiet life.  

QTsmum's picture

I just looked online at some places in smaller BC towns.  I have about 8 years experience working online before I quit my last job and helped with this business.  So maybe I could get an online job again and live where ever instead of having to worry about living with closer access to jobs.  

I got a little bit excited for a second.  To have my own sweet spot with my boys and my little princess to be and our giant dog amongst the mountains... it sounds a bit dreamy!  Maybe this baby was just the surprise I needed to move onwards into the life that was made for me.  I haven't fit in THIS life for quite a long time.

Willow2010's picture

 If he can't take his head out of his ass long enough to reconize his kid's shit behaviour, than he is NOT someone I want to parent my baby.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ummmm…it is his baby too!!  He was there when conceived right? 

 

 I am just floored that so many are advising this woman to take this mans child and flee!  That’s right…he has a penis so he does not amount to shit and should suffer not ever seeing his kid again because she is mad at him.  WHAT??! 

Apparently they were not mad at each other 17 weeks ago so I am pretty sure she knew what was going on in her house. 

Not a reason to steal a mans child because you are mad at him right now. 

UGH!!  These situations drive me crazy.     

SteppedOut's picture

Did you read her post? The child has major issues with aggression, innapropriate touching and cold sore out breaks (deadly to an infant). The child's father refuses to acknowledge said childs issues and refuses therapy. 

My formerSO was the same way. Multiple attempts by his kid were made to hurt our infant. Nothing was ever done, you know, because "nothing is wrong with my kid". But there was. Lots. And it was putting our infant son in physical danger. He was not willing or able to keep our baby safe. So I did. There is ZERO wrong with that.

 

QTsmum's picture

We just had a huge fight.  He absolutely refuses therapy for his child.  He said if I go to therapy (HA, I have already because of his shit!) and MY kids go to therapy, his kid will go to therapy.    He calls what happened (the aggression, the inappropriate touching) "an incident".  The touching happened at least 6 times that we know of, and despite him getting in huge shit (principal's office twice in a row) he kept doing it.   BM kept at least once incident from him during her week.  He says all the "professionals" he spoke to weren't worried.   that was the family DR, the teacher and the (shitty) CAS guy; they said they were normal behaviours for a child.  My therapist and CAS friend I spoke to were worried about him having gotten abused himself, as these were absolutely not normal for a child to do repetitively, knowing they were bad.  ALso, it's in the CAS file that a friend was worried what sexual acts the kid has seen his mother do.  But, no, hes fine.  The kid doesn't do "hands on" like a push either.  He literally 2 handed choked another kid.

 

He's really, really grasping at straws and was talking in such a condescending way.  He was a total dick.  I feel so sick after speaking to him.  I'm terrified.

Rags's picture

Though from the US, it sounds to me that you have a limited horizon to get things set up for long term success and to minimize the exposure of your baby girl to the baby daddy's toxic gene pool.

Move soon, get the buy out of your assets in the business and home moving so that you can get re-established in BC and restart your career to be able to care for yourself and your kids.

I know this is a tough situation but you are far more than capable enough to take care of things and move on for your own good and for the good of your children.

Good luck.

SittingPretty's picture

I think you can move provinces until the baby is born, and then it will be tricky.

I would run for my life. I wish I had!