Hi I'm new and I need some help please
Hi, I am a mom of 2 adult D's (who live with us) and a stepmom to 3 adult SD's (none live with us). My DH and I have been together for 7 years and it seems my relationship with the SD's just keeps getting worse and worse. 2 younger SD's (aged in the early 30's) have never really wanted anything to do with me. Used to make me a bit sad, but I had a great relationship with the eldest SD who is married with kids of her own. We took family holidays, (DH, my D's eldest SD, her DH and their two kids) socialised, everything was going great. In late 2017 we began building a pool and understandably it took most of every weekend and my H and I are not contractors but did it all ourselves - phew! It was meant to be the final piece in what would make our house the ultimate relaxation and entertaining area for all of our kids, the grandkids and the grandkids still to come. In mid 2018 my MIL sadly passed away, and a couple of months later eldest SD stopped visiting as much and began getting quieter on our visits to them. I would ask her if anything was wrong and she would always say that everything was fine.
One night in November 2018, eldest SD and her DH came over to 'talk'. It basically was 3 hours of them berating us for every single issue they had ever experienced with us since H and I met 7 years ago. They were so rude, unecessarily horrible about my D's and even were rude about my other family members for no reason!! My H has always been a doormat to his D's so he sat there and took their abuse. I tried to stay quiet but every now and then I had to pull them up when they were getting severely out of line. You should have seen their faces - it's like no one had ever stood up for themselves to them before. They told the younger SD's about the night and it's just made them dislike me even more (if that was even possible).
Now, DH is working towards a restored relationship with them and expects that everything will work out and we will all go back to normal. I don't agree. They missed my youngest D's graduation, they didn't bother attending her 18th birthday. Just a couple of other reasons that I don't want them in my life anymore. This is causing huge problems between my DH and I. I get angry at the fact that he has a relationship with these people who dislike me so much, who have treated us so badly, yet he keeps going back for more. To me it seems abusive. He is a strong man but not with them. How do I make peace with this? It's not about them, it's about me. I'm so sad and it's not who I am.
Thanks for reading 
Why would you make peace with
Why would you make peace with this? I would keep the mirror of the facts front and center with all of the SKids and their SOs. Your DH should not be able to ignore the facts of the historic crap his spawn have caused in your marriage. If he were truly a strong man he would not tolerate anyone abusing his bride. Including his own spawn. Nope, he's a coward.
Stop being sad. Engage with quality people of character. If that excludes the results of the shallow and polluted gene pool that DH and his X created... so be it.
I would sit DH down and give him firm clarity on how YOUR husband should address anyone threatening his marriage or attacking his bride. That these idiots are his DD and her idiot husband makes no difference in how a real man would deal with the crap they have pulled.
Enjoy your pool! No GSkids peeing in it, no toxic SD's ruining your bliss while enjoying it, and no drama polluting your home and marriage. You and DH take turns putting lotion on each other, getting each other umbrella drinks, and rubbing each other's feet. When it gets dark, go skinny dipping and enjoy each other.
Live well. Screw the SD's.
piegirl I have a very
piegirl I have a very similar story to you... my advice is to disengage from the SKs... don’t let them back into your home, don’t go to any of their functions, don’t invite them to any of yours. I agree there is no going back and working it out with SKs after copping such abuse and knowing what they really think of you. Let your DH see his kids when he wants, he will always love them and won’t turn against them so don’t waste your energy.
I have taken this path after one too many attacks from SKs and there is no going back. Fortunately I have DH support, although he is hurt by the situation, he wants us to be one big happy family but it’s impossible thanks to SKs behaviour. He accepts that his life with his kids are separate to my life and my kids. If my DH didn’t support me in this I would have divorced him.
It hasn’t been an easy path to take, I’ve had the anger from DH family about my choice, I even sometimes feel guilty about it but at the end of the day I had to do it for my own sanity.
Thanks for that
Stepkidsfrommhell, is life ok now? Do you and DH fight about his kids or do you not discuss them ever? I have been married before and had 2 SD's from that relationship and never had any of this trouble or trauma. In fact I still get along really well with my XSD's. I think trauma is a good way of describing what I feel like I'm going through right now.
It's not "like" these SD's
It's not "like" these SD's had never been stood up to before; these SD's truly have never been stood up to before. My DH finally stood up to OSD when she was 42. She had published a picture on Facebook of BM visiting DH's family, and captioned it "love spending time with family!" He finally called her out on her antics and demanded her respect. She was shocked and activated "Punish Daddy" mode. The Princess had NEVER been called out before. DH confirmed it.
So your DH is chasing his princesses. Is he ok with you not joining in the chase? If so, I recommend staying out of it and let your DH try to have a relationship with his DDs. If you complain about it you will just get all the blame. In all likelihood they will continue to punish him even though you are not around. That tends to be an eye opener for these men when their wives aren't even around to blame. Then if the SDs complain about you, it's real easy to respond what could you possibly be doing when you don't even see them? They are adults, not children on a court-ordered visitation plan with their father.
It's difficult to make peace with this and it took me a few years. Your situation mirrors mine in that my DH kept going back for more abuse and manipulation from his middle-aged daughters. He would excuse it by saying he didn't care how people treated him. That was just a dumb excuse to trivialize their unacceptable behavior. My response back to him was men who were doormats were NOT sexy. Especially when it was because they were afraid of their adult children. My valuation of his sexiness got his attention.
After time we were able to find peace because while I did not respect how he pandered to his children, he had many other respectable qualities. To me, there was more good than bad. He did not force me to join in his chase, and he got tired of chasing alone only to be rebuffed because he married a Holy Original Family Outsider. I also realized I had a choice. I could be going with him to visit his children, but I choose to stay away from toxic people. That's a gift I give myself. That feeling of betrayal lessened and lessened into one of happiness that I don't have to deal with the crazy.
This sounds very familiar
You have hot the nail on the head with this. My DH is definitely chasing his princesses but for now does not expect me to join the chase. He thinks that once they 'forgive' him and he can 'make it up to them' (I'm cringing as I am writing this), then they will calm down enough for me to get involved again. I don't want to, I honestly never want to subject myself to that kind of hurt ever again. He thinks I'll get over it - but right now I can't see that happening. TBH and maybe TMI but the whole sexy thing has been an issue for me since he has gone chasing the princesses. I do feel betrayed and I can't wait for that feeling to go away. However, I am not a victim and I know there must be something I can do to not feel betrayed by these relationships. I've tried to just 'get over it' but that doesn't work for me. I wonder how we can be a truly happy family unit when, with the way I feel now, there will never be wonderful times with the two families as there were before.
Tell your DH that when you
Tell your DH that when you see them treat him with respect for an extended period of time, you will re-evaluate. I also had other requirements for re-enagement which involved accountability and remorse. Those will never happen because these 40 somethings are poor widdle children of divorce (they were adults when their parents divorced .... but still). They believe they are the victims and that justifies their behavior.
As long as your SDs sense that daddy is "making it up them" they will milk it for all it's worth. He needs to be demanding their respect, not pandering. Unfortunately he will likely have to learn that the hard way.
Have you asked him what has he done wrong that they need to forgive and why he needs to make it up to them? It might be a good discussion for joint counseling.
In the meantime, come up with boundaries and make sure he understands them. Here's what mine were/are (with some expulsions thrown in...):
Once I defined parameters I got stronger. These were things I would not budge on, and he knew it. And once he saw me getting stronger, he started to consider that he might lose ME.
Lamby, how did you manage the last bullet?
Which is, not having a reunion that included the ex. In particular, I'm thinking about when grandskids are involved. I am possibly on the cusp of my SO becoming a grandpa. I am certain there will be events/times when he is going to be interacting with BM (and her husband). Since I am disengaged, I won't be involved.
However, this is a bit of a sticking point for me. I am fine with my SO having a relationship with SD, SSIL and gskid without me. But it's the times when he will be part of the happy "family" dynamic which will include BM and her husband that sticks in my craw.
How did you and your DH navigate this? Eg. If it's gskid birthday party, and BM will be there, does your DH not go?
"First Family Reunions" to me
"First Family Reunions" to me meant not having a big family reunion that included the ex mingling around with DH's family. It also meant DH and BM not staying under OSD42's roof at the same time, which she tried unsuccessfully to do. This has less to do with me feeling threatened by BM than the disrespect DH's own family pays him with BM around, which really ticks me off that he just lets it go.
But DH has gone to gskid events where BM is present. I really don't care about that, even though I am not there. I am 100% certain that if he were attracted to another woman, it would NOT be BM. She is repulsive in so many ways.
Just because they might be at the same celebration does not mean they are playing "happy family." More likely "stressed out dysfunctional now we remember why they divorced" family. Before I disengaged, the family events where both DH and BM were present were hysterical. BM walking around from person to person jockeying for attention even though the event was not about her, both SDs complaining that BM had to be the center of attention - while they were fighting for their fair share.
You say it's a sticking point for you if your DH and BM and her DH are at the same place.....can you elaborate why that's sticking point?
LOVE this
SacrificialLamb, thank you for this list. It's something I will find very useful in the future!! It's a clear and fair way of expressing the boundaries many of us need surround Skids.
A SD Pussywhipped DH IS NOT ONLY NOT SEXY, IT'S DISGUSTING
I share this sentiment, but take it a step further.
No, it's not victimization, but these daughters have been allowed to be "Princess Puss" all thier lives, and behaved as if their genital area is gold laced. (Reminds me of the gold dipped orchids I saw when I visited the orient.) Well, that may've worked fine with BM, but there's a "New Puss In Town." When that happens, and feelings are validated and sealed by a marriage, the DH has to put his wife first. Sadly, most of the men I've read about on here fail miserably in doing that.
My DH colluded with SD and took severe legal measures against me at her insistance, which is why I feel for this marriage to flourish (and survive the "life support" phase it has been in since all of this began), he MUST vanquish her and her horrible manipulative and disresepectful behaviors from this marriage.
No, a Pussywhipped daaadddeee is not sexy, it's disgusting, and it has a drastic impact on the marriage. A ripple effect which carries over into all areas of the marriage, because with perfect clarity, you become aware that his first priority is his sick, emotionally stunted classic narc daugther.
It first takes awareness on DH's behalf, it's a cluster fu** , and next he has to decide to do something about it, or not. Think flow chart...change is never easy, especially when these men are terrified of their kids. I cannot understand that. I have never been afraid on my kids. At any rate, one of two things will happen; DH's will either see the light and make the necessary changes, or not, and suffer the consequence of divorce.
Life is A LOT better, I wish
Life is A LOT better, I wish I had done it years sooner! The relief of not having to put up with their horrible obnoxious behaviour in my home or at my birthday parties/ functions is such a relief and it feels good to have finally drawn a line in the sand that I will take no more crap from them. No we don’t talk about them, I ask nothing and he tells me nothing.
The sometime ‘guilt’ I referred to feeling in the above post was not because I chose to disengage, I feel completely justified in doing that. Its because my bio children visit all the time and I do feel bad for my DH that can’t have the same but the only people to blame for that are his kids and he understands that. As DH and I have discussed the situation is apples and oranges with his kids and mine. My children have always shown the upmost respect for my DH since the day they met him. They all get along with him better than their own BD. But if the tables were turned and my kids did to him what his kids did to me then I’d absolutely stand with my DH and would not have my children at our home.
You most definitely are going through trauma, I had a breakdown because of the SKs and BM! Three years from disengaging I’m still trying to let go of the anger and hate I have towards, I actually wrote about it today if you want to look at it.
Its a tough life being part of a step family and I wouldn’t ever do it again. Wishing you all the best.
Welcome to the site!
In the end, you can't stop your DH from having a relationship with his offspring, whether or not you see it as abusive, which it probably is. But you can refuse to have them at your home, and refuse to be around them yourself, anywhere.
I have been disengaged from my two SDs, who are now in their 20s, for over 15 yrs. I see them rarely - once or twice a year, whereas my DH has lunch or coffee with them every few weeks or so. It is a perfectly functional model to live by.
15 months ago, DH and I became estranged from his mother and step father, when they treated us in a way that I felt was abusive - including throwing us out of their house at 9.30pm on a Sunday night, after we'd had a drink, to drive the 150 miles back home. DH is now proposing to reconcile with his mother. I have told him that he can do so, with my blessing, but I will not be reconciling, nor will they come to our house. He can go and visit there, if he wants to see her, and he has agreed to this.
Do your DDs have plans to move out?
Your SDs may feel THEY are replacements and are the princesses? It is easy for parents not to see issues with their own kids. Your SDs may think they are taking adavantage of your DH
Haha my kids are 18 and 19 -
Haha my kids are 18 and 19 - so a little difficult to see how the 30-40 year old skids think my kids are taking advantage of their daddy. However if they do, it just goes to show that their MH issues are worse than I thought!
Your SD will never like you or respect you
What ever there reasons are they are. You will never change that. All the begging will not help. You have to understand that. You have to understand there nothing you can do. You have to except that.
The only way I got over the
The only way I got over the resentment that my husband loves someone who treats me so shitty was to ignore it. It still flares up and makes me crazy, but this is how it's always going to be.
Wish I had a do over.
Wowza
Piegirl - what you posted really shocked me, and Im 5 years in and didnt think that I COULD be shocked.
Your SD's are definitely Narcissists - consider yourself lucky to get away from them. But Im sorry you are hurt. They managed to create a fake relationship with you, because you were "useful" to them, and then when they couldnt hide their feelings any longer, unleashed their ugliness. What a stain of humanity they have proved themselves to be!
Your DH, hes probably simply ignoring reality - as many do. He has a vision in his head of "one big happy family", and it simply isnt there, not with THOSE children of his.
Again, sorry you are hurting. Let yourself grieve for the family you thought you had, then follow the advice and completely disengage. And re-do your will if necessary. Those nasty, bitter, selfish, narcissistic snots should not benefit from you one iota. I still am in shock over their "grievances" against you and DH. I was wondering about the rant and youve answered that question.
Allow your DH to pander to his precious princesses then discover how they will leave in a hot flash if he were to fall ill (or hover like the vultures they are...)
Just wow. I think you need to treat yourself and dH to a wonderful season of pool parties and invite EVERYONE but them. Me too. Invite me.
Thanks so much CLove you can
Thanks so much CLove
you can come over for a pool party anytime!
Oh my
I would love to visit you halfway around the world in New Z! My dad told me its complete paradise in areas.
And I guess you are currently in your winter weather too!!!!