I feed badly but don’t know what more I can do
It’s been a struggle for me with SD 14 this summer. Not because of anything she does- she’s sweet and respectful. I had my first baby in May and was home for the majority of the summer without a car. It was fine with me, I’ve really been enjoying motherhood and being with my son. My SD and I were probably only together about 3 weeks over the summer but those weeks were really challenging for me. She’s chatty and I really did not like feeling like I had to have a conversation with her when she’s hanging around the house most of the day. I’m not a super social person and just wanted to enjoy this time with my son. I was never rude- just didn’t talk to her much. If she engaged me, I’d engage back. I’ve been visiting family the last couple weeks and she told my husband it felt awkward to her on those weeks and she felt like i didn’t want her around bc I never started conversation with her. She said I just paid attention to the baby and that she basically wished I paid more attention to her. The truth is, I didn’t want her around. I was doing my best to get through those weeks, but she seems to have picked up on my true feelings. My husband wasn’t upset at me, just was sharing and he said she was “sweet” about it, meaning I guess that she wasn’t upset, just sharing her feelings. It was extremely hard to hear, as I do feel badly that it made her feel that way, but also I was doing my best. For the 6 years I’ve been with my husband, I feel like the kids have been open to me, and I’ve just struggled with various aspects of it. I’ve seen two different therapists, trying to be more ok about it, but I feel I haven’t progressed. My husband is wonderful and I feel I’ve failed him. I just want his kids to be independent (he also has son 17 and daughter 19 who are hardly around), meaning no kids living with us. I cannot imagine my life without my husband, but the only conclusion I can come to is that I’m too selfish and not cut out to be a stepmother.
You haven’t let anyone down,
You haven’t let anyone down, you have a new baby and people need to be patient with you. You appear to be naturally introverted which people should take into account. As far as I can see you are being perfectly pleasant to people. I think you are doing very well actually. I had baby blues after my first child (premature baby mucked my hormones up), and felt ecstatic after the other ones. So I personally am very happy for you getting so much joy with your little one. Your husband should be happy there is such a great bond there, everything else will work itself out.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the encouragement :)
You sounds like a really kind
You sounds like a really kind & caring person – your SD is lucky to have you! Never, not once, did I ever think I needed to love my SK’s. Perhaps it’s because I’m not a mother myself & I’m unsure whether or not I ever want to be – jury is still out. Whatever the reason, it has honestly helped me navigate Stephell immensely, I would encourage you not to put that pressure on yourself either. I’m very fond of my SS’s (my ‘SD’ is a different story entirely but I’m working on that) & I can safely say I like them. I have no desire to parent them & my SO, for the most part, makes that possible. I just back up his rules, try to set a good example of a hard working woman (BM has only ever been a stay at home Mom) & don’t take on more than I’m willing, it’s not purposeful disengagement (I didn’t even know what that was until recently) because I never really engaged in that way. Perhaps your SO can just remind your SD that you’re more of an introverted person who was going through a lot of changes this last summer? Those things aren’t lies. I'm not an introvert & yet I like my space in my home too - it's totally understandable.
You had a baby, its overwhelming
you have to become selfless with the never ending diaper changes, feeding times and breastfeeding. Add to that you rarely have time to eat, to shower so making smalltalk and having to entertain a skid is low on your priority list.
your partner needs to have explained to his kid that you will be overwhelmed the initial few months and skid needs to help out with some chores like clearing up toys, vacuuming etc and that helping with these things will help take stress off stepmummy and she will have more time to talk to you.
To be honest once you’ve dealt with bubs, you would be catching up on sleep, skid needs to be aware of this and do not feel guilty. If anyone is making you feel guilty then they’re being selfish