guilt over feelings about SD
SD 16 is polite, respectful and pretty clean for a teenager. She is with us 50/50 and I constantly feel guilt and shame that she irritates me. She can be loud and she talks a lot which is hard for me as an introvert. After my toddler goes to bed I desperately want alone time and I absolutely cannot stand not knowing how much time I will get on the weeks she is here. Even if she sat quietly in the same room as me, I wouldn't like it.
She is independent of in a lot of ways (my husband expects this) but she's oddly emotionally dependent on him in ways that I don't get that just really irritate and trigger me. She is so overly sensitive- some examples are getting upset if we see friends on weeks she's not with us, if we get take out on weeks she's not with us, we buy a new car and DH doesn't tell her until she gets here, getting bothered if DH forgets ones of her friends names, asking her not to eat applesauce pouches that i buy only for my toddler when we go in the car (we offer to buy her any other form of applesauce), etc
Luckily my husband doesn't give in to her complaints. He is also always present emotionally and spends a good amount of time with her though they both have busy schedules. She often needs to have heart to hearts with him if she's remotely struggling with something.
I've allowed these things to get to me so much I do not want to be in the same room as her. It feels like she thinks he's her spouse instead of her father. Mini-wifeish. I know it triggers my own issues from growing up as well which is why I feel so much shame because that isn't her fault
It seems I shouid be happy she's not rude, or have major problems and that she has a good relationship with my husband. I'm so resentful though. I hate having a rooomate every other week and I feel Ill barely make it until after she graduates (my DH doesn't really believe in the kids living at home past 18 and his older two both launched by then).
I'm ten years in with my DH and I feel like this is such an unnatural situation that also just isn't for me. He's wonderful but it's negatively affecting our relationship bc of the anxiety I have at even the thought of her being here. I guess I'm wondering if it seems like I'm overreacting ? I know so many of you have so many worse things to deal with.
Don't feel guilty over your
Don't feel guilty over your feelings. You need to find a way to come to terms with them, and find a solution. When u was 16 my parents told me that they needed Alone time to wind down before bed... my "bed time" was 9, but i could go to sleep at 11. But that gave them much needed time without kids every night.
And your sd needs to realize that just because she's not with you guys, time doesn't just stop. You still live your lives. Imo that's a really immature thought process on her part. She doesn't just just stop living when she's with her mother, right?
Yeah I'm not sure where this
Yeah I'm not sure where this insecurity comes from bc she seems pretty well adjusted otherwise. She has made it clear in the past that it doesn't feel enough like a family when she's with us. We honestly live in the same way when she's here or not but I do take more time to myself mainly because she triggers me. She doesn't seem to get that blended families don't always look like nuclear families and that's ok. We struggle to understand what she's really looking for.
As for her getting in bed at nine, it would help me tremendously. My husband has encouraged me to have the conversation with her but we both know it won't go over well and then it'll turn into an issue. I just don't want to deal with that so i don't bring it up. Of course it adds to my resentment.
Thanks your reply and validation
If it won't go well if you
If it won't go well if you discuss it, then he needs to discuss it with her.
"Hey SD, we all need to take some time before bed to ourselves so we can get a good night's sleep. So, going forward, after 9PM you need to be getting for bed in your room. You don't have to go to sleep, but you need to be quieting down and resting."
Or
"SD, we each need a little alone time in the evenings to recharge. After 9PM, we all will be going to our separate rooms to relax."
I do hope that my suggestions
I do hope that my suggestions help!
I do agree with the others that this conversation will go over completely different with you than it would with her father. HE needs to be the one to discuss rule changes with her.
Yeah I'm not sure where this
Yeah I'm not sure where this insecurity comes from bc she seems pretty well adjusted otherwise. She has made it clear in the past that it doesn't feel enough like a family when she's with us. We honestly live in the same way when she's here or not but I do take more time to myself mainly because she triggers me. She doesn't seem to get that blended families don't always look like nuclear families and that's ok. We struggle to understand what she's really looking for.
As for her getting in bed at nine, it would help me tremendously. My husband has encouraged me to have the conversation with her but we both know it won't go over well and then it'll turn into an issue. I just don't want to deal with that so i don't bring it up. Of course it adds to my resentment.
Thanks for your reply and validation:)
She needs to be told under no
She needs to be told under no circumstances will your lives be on hold for her just as her life goes on and she does stuff when she's with BM. She's 16 ffs, not 6! A bit of tough love and less entertaining such nonsense might me warranted here...
Yes luckily my husband shuts
Yes luckily my husband shuts it down and he does not at any of that stuff effect what we do when ages here or not here. I wish I could just let it roll off my back but it irritates me so much and then contributes to my anxiety and resentment
Im thinking...
That learning teqniques in how to deal with her better on your side is the answer you are looking for, along with the other advice about emphasizing life continues without her because it does not revolve around her. Society has programmed us and kids, that the parents lives must revolve around the children. The children always "come first". So it depends on how her mother is raising her.
Otherwise you are on a good path. Vent away. That will probably help you release the steam. Because something we all have to accept is that there is a "stranger" who is not family living in our home and taking our partners attention away.
Thank you. You definitely
Thank you. You definitely make a good point about how it is at moms. BM hardly works part time (although she is more than capable physically and education wise), she has no spouse and no young child as we do. Mom acts like a friend as much as a parent. SD 16 has gotten upset with DH when he has told her that he is her parent and not her friend. Therefore we can't compete with her moms place because we are busier and not looking for a party like atmosphere.
My anxiety is through the roof these days about her- I've seen 3 therapists, hired a life coach, started exercising etc in the last few years to try to combat this. Im wondering if I may need medication for a bit- my DH is wonderful and my issues are affecting our marriage
Hmmmm
Im normally not a medication person. Could it be that you have some sort of imbalance somewhere? I dont know how young your kiddo is, but Ive heard PPD can spike anxiety. Medications have saved lives and marriages...
Therapists are tough because so few have experience and knowledge in Stepparenting and the blended model is the hardest. Many folks have indicated when they have a new bio, their more antagonistic towards the stepkid. Kind of like all your protectiveness is focused against the "interloper" skid. Its something Ive seen people post about but I dont know what the name of it is.
And I remember when SD15.5 was younger she made comments like "but Mom lets me do xyz". The difference in atmospheres will affect SD16. Going between permissive and non-permissive is just one example.
I am not a medication person
I am not a medication person either but I do often feel I have a low level chemical imbalance. I have had depression and anxiety issues my whole life. In my early 20's through my early 30's I went on and off antidepressants to get by. It's been almost 15 years since I've been on anything but I absolutely cannot sacrifice my marriage for this.
My son is almost 3 and I don't feel that I've had PPD but I will say Covid has not helped anything.
Just remember that there has
Just remember that there has been a lot of progress in the field in the last 15 years. Give it a try.
Very true. Thank you for
Very true. Thank you for listening and your feedback
While this is mostly on you... why choose to feel guilt?
Work on both. The need for control can be a very challenging issue to navigate life with. Not something I struggle with though I do see it in a number in my extended circle.
Some things are not worth the effort to worry about or invest in the guilt and anxiety that many struggle with. Pragmatism can be a very life enhancing perspective.
So, quit choosing to feel guilt for your need for alone time, quit feeling irritated by her mere presence when as you have said, she is "is polite, respectful and pretty clean".
I completely understand the aversion to someone else’s progeny in your home and life. However, we as humans are completely capable of choosing to not let it bother us or let it take away an undue level enjoyment in life over what is basically a choice on our part.
My husband always preaches
My husband always preaches that I should be able to choose which thoughts I follow and which I dont. I'm a pretty self aware person and yet I really struggle to do this.
Spaghetti and waffles.
A very good friend of ours introduced me to this concept recently. She is heavily engaged with emotional, behavioral, and psychological health issues as she progresses through the demise of her 34+ year marriage. Her STBXDH is as bad if not worse than what so many STalkers struggle with. Fortunately, they have no children.
Anyway, men are waffles. Or at least their mental processes are waffle like. Compartmentalized and each section is discrete and does not touch or need to be addressed in a mixed effort with any other waffle segment. Emotions, work, family, intellect, etc... all have their waffle spot and can be dealt with one at a time.
Women are much more connected. Their lives an intertwinement of all aspects of the things that they experience. Emotions, intellect, relationships, feelings, all intertwine. Or from the waffle/spaghetti concept, their mental processes are spaghetti like.
My waffle appologies for commenting from my manspective. I know this is not an easy thing. Even for the simple waffles of the species.
Lol I wish I clued be more of
Lol I wish I clued be more of a waffle. Compartmentalizating feels nearly impossible to me.