BM just won't quit
If you have read my previous blogs, you'd know that BM is fixated on going to a joint counseling session with DH, so they can figure out how to be "friends", because according to her, overly dramatic SS is so sad that she and DH are not besties. She's already asked once and DH told her flat out that he wasn't interested and didn't think it would be productice.
She's written to him again begging him to consider going to a session with her because SS is just so sad.
She's also told him how sad SSs are that DH never calls or takes them out on special outings. Meanwhile, DH texts overly dramatic SS fairly regularly and calls him on occasion and he rarely responds. Also, BM only wants DH to take the kids on special outings when it suits her. When DH wanted to pick them up to go to their science fair, BM wailed, "I don't even want you coming to my house." And accused DH of not giving her enough advance warning, even though she knew the science fair was that night and she knew that she took SSs too early for DH to make it. That was after she sent him a rude text saying, "I knew you wouldn't bother coming to the science fair!" To which he replied, "I'm heading down there in an hour and would like to stop and pick up SSs on my way." To which she sent her dramatic texts telling him no and then backing out because she was afraid he'd tell SSs that he went, but she wouldn't let them go with her.
I asked DH if overly dramatic SS has ever mentioned any of this to him during their joint counseling sessions and he said nothing like that had come up. The only related thing that did come up was SS saying, "I've talked to mom a lot about my relationship with you [DH] and she tells me that our relationship is bad." If that isn't proof of PA, I don't know what is.
Meanwhile, her latest message talks about how she knows that she's said terrible things about DH and she's been mean to him in the past, but she's sure he's done the same. Also, she's really changed. This is the same woman who spent the last year making our lives hell because she was so desperate to change SS's visitation and now three visits into the new schedule, he's back to the old schedule, because he's apparently no longer traumatized to come to our house.
Her marriage must be really crumbling, because she just can't let the idea of spending time with DH go. When will the kids be old enough that her trying to convince DH to be her friend to make them happy will just seem lame to everyone else, especially DH's family?
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It might not ever seem lame
It might not ever seem lame to his family - some people really buy into that stuff. Especially if they've been the divorcee and wanted to keep in touch (like my mom).
The answer is for the kid to go to counseling and learn how to cope with his new reality instead of mom and dad learning to "be friends." Its also very possible the kid only cares because that's what mom wants and she's stressing the kid out about it. So in that case the kid doesnt actually necessarily care about them being friends but wants it to happen so the stress of dealing with moms reaction will stop.
I think you’re spot on with
I think you’re spot on with SS just trying to make mom stop complaining, however I think he’s now internalized BM’s feelings to the point where he doesn’t know where hers end and his begin.
He’s in counseling and at first, I thought it was helping, but now I’m not so sure. He does seem calmer at our house, but last time he was with us he yelled at his brother for being “disrespectful to mom” for leaving a “new sweatshirt she bought you” at our house. SS doesn’t seem to realize that DH is paying for that sweatshirt, too. Even BM referred to it as “the new sweatshirt I bought for him” as if DH doesn’t pay child support. Then again, self-awareness has never been her strength.
Oh boy. MIL here tries to
Oh boy. MIL here tries to get SO to gloss over BMs usual dumb with excuses like "she's just scared." Uh... okay, sure. (irrational) Fear is a totally acceptable excuse for a grown arse adult to act like a heathen. MIL doesn't seem to make the connection between her playing BMs safety net and her withering relationship with her son. I don't have any advice there but I get it.
I've actually told SO if I thought BM had the slightest ability for introspection that they could have a mediated hashing out of sorts. Although if she were capable they wouldn't actually need it. Legend has it that they averaged marriage counseling every two years during their short term marriage. She isn't suddenly going to get it.
Admittedly it was a nonsensical suggestion on my part. It's just so painfully obvious that she hasn't gotten past something. And life would be so much better for everyone entangled if she was. BM is the epitome of ex-wife vs. divorced woman.
As for your BM, if she were truly changed she wouldn't be harping on your DH. She doesn't need his participation nor his forgiveness to be a better person than she was. Actually improving herself and growing as a person has nothing to do with her ex-husband. Her continued harassment is just further proof that nothing has changed, certainly not her.
Your comment made me laugh
Your comment made me laugh out loud because my MIL will often say to DH about BM, “you know how she is...” as if that means he should just put up her BS because she can’t help it. Both MIL and BIL are always giving DH crap about how he’s not nice enough to BM and neither seems to think this will make DH avoid them. They don’t seem to notice, and probably don’t care, that I avoid them.
I’m not sure why BM can’t show she’s a “good person” by just being one, without expecting DH to validate her. Can’t she rely on her own husband to validate herself.
As for SS supposedly crying that DH and BM aren’t friends, why can’t she just be an adult and tell him that sometimes people don’t get along and that’s really okay. I also think a lot of the conversation is her telling SS that DH hates her, rather than SS being upset about it himself.
It is somehow comical and
It is somehow comical and infuriating all at the same time, isn't it? Ugh.
If he would just go sit in front of a counselor so he can be there to not only listen to, but accept BMs manipulations as gospel, then all will be right with the world. Obviously if he's wrong then she's right and that makes her better. Hearing it all with the support of a counselor will make him see the light. And then they can move forward in perfect co-parenting (read: BM rules on high) harmony. Don't over think it, I'm sure she's a lot like our BM, she's just scared. Lol
Omg I hate when people use
Omg I hate when people use that to dismiss bad behavior of crap people - well it's just how they usually are so ignore. But then if you're normally decent and do something they do all the time once it's a huge deal.
This sounds a bit of narcissistic stage of hoovering
She’s dramatic, hot and cold, faking a need for attention, claiming she is a changed person and is doing this for the sake of their kid(s), professes her love and feelings for her expartner.
she needs ro periodically try and suck your man in to feed off of him. This is narc 101. Google hoovering. My hubbys ex is all of the red flags minus the declaration of love (heck that would be hilarious if she professed her love for him)
BM in my case is classic BPD
BM in my case is classic BPD with narc tendencies.
She hasn’t professed her love for DH - not sure her husband would be happy with that - but she’s so desperate for his attention that I know that she still has feelings for him.
The irony of the whole situation is that DH and BM were never friends and she used to scream at him and hit him in front of the children when they were married, but still seems to think they used to be good friends.
That all doesn’t matter in the narcs head.
they are oblivious to that abusive behaviour and act like nothing happened. Alot of the bpd people tend to be narcisissists.
its irrelevant that they are married because they truly cannot feel emotion or empathy and love for someone. They are out to milk and feed off or leech off of people.
Oh my. He needs to not
Oh my. He needs to not respond to those messages. He’s no longer in a relationship with her. She is neither friend nor family. That is inappropriate.
As I always tell DH,
As I always tell DH, “sometimes the best response is no response.”
If he won't cut her off, he
If he won't cut her off, he needs to stop dragging you into it.
How old is SS? I'd understand
How old is SS? I'd understand if he was a young child, but if not, then who the hell does he think he is? You can't control people and make them be friends just because that's what you want. Of course DH and BM should be civil for the sake of the child, but that doesn't mean that they need to be besties, and certainly not pander to SS's manipulative behaviour.
SS is a teen, so certainly
SS is a teen, so certainly old enough to not be crying about DH not going to his practices or DH not being "friends" with BM. DH is civil to her, but as a classic BPD, she needs validation from DH. She now wants DH to tell her how wonderful she is, because she's finally started sharing information with him about SSs. Before, she would just tell him whenever he asked any questions, that if he wanted something he could "get it himself!!"
I would just like her to go away and hoped that once SSs were teens, she would not be given as much opportunity to meddle and manipulate, but she still does...so, now I just have to tell DH that I will give him hell if he entertains her BS (which usually works).
My view at this point, is also that if either SS wants something from DH, they are old enough to ask him directly for it. They don't need to use BM as the go-between. If they can't ask themselves, they must not want it badly enough.
Yeah, he really needs to
Yeah, he really needs to ignore anything that doesn't directly pertain to the kids and not feed this stuff.
I believe BM here is co-morbid BPD/NPD and she used to get into much subtler versions of this kind of stuff (she alienated SS for a year and then called DH wanting to help them reunite and co-parent together - uh-huh).
Ignoring and following the CO is the best thing to do, there is no reasoning with someone like this.
I agree with Gimlet, she
I agree with Gimlet, she wanted this CO firmly in place along with more money, she got it, now she can live with it.
DH needs to stop engaging in her antics. Meth Mouth wanted us to go to group counseling also, thankfully that was one item on her list of bullsh*t that the judge actually laughed at. He told her there was no way he could force adults to sit down in counseling together if they didn't want to.