BM here is not high conflict anymore and has evened-out. The skids don't see us as a wedge (BM already has a BF before DH and I met, so if anyone was a wedge, it was the BF).

If I was in your scenario, I would not go. I would let them mourn and not add to the problem, and not put myself into a bad situation. If the skids are adults, unless they just got divorced recently, why would your DH go?

My DS just started college. If my XH were to die before DS graduates, I would probably go since we still communicate and DS is a fledgling adult so we only recently stopped parenting together. After that, I probably would not go unless DS said he really wanted me there. Not sure what my DH would do with BM.

DH and I talked about this. If BM died he would elect not to go to the funeral unless kids specifically request his presence. He would not let them use the mother's funeral as a wedge between us so he would want me at his side.

Your DH needs to make it clear to skids that you are not a wedge between him and BM. That there is no such thing as he and BM anymore. DH told skid that "I am not with your mother anymore. We are divorced. I am with Steptalker2 now." Skids never had fantasies about BM and DH getting back together but they did want them to play "happy family" at kid events like for example, they would fret and whimper to have their parents sit together at kid sporting events etc. When DH stopped doing that they had a cow. The only reason he stopped doing that was because he did not feel a need to pretend for the kids sake anymore. They need to realize he has moved on with his life and that although BM is their mother, she is neither his friend nor his family.

Personally I wouldn't go to the funeral of someone I wasn't close to, especially if that person was BM.  If you did go you would only be seen as an intruder. Think SM at a wedding but 100x worse. Your DH would be fine, he'd have his kids and other family there. Bake a pie for DH to bring if they have a gathering afterward, that's how you could be supportive.  

If the skids are adults, why in the world would DH go to BM's funeral? And why would he need your support? Is he going to be grieving her death? I would never consider attending the funeral of either of my ex husbands and I know DH has no plans on going to BM's funeral.

DH's kids are middle aged, and all DH has ever had to say about BM is how lazy she was, and how she never cleaned house, or cooked. DH said when he'd come home from work, she'd look at him with all the enthusiasm of a housecat, and go back to watching t.v. or reading. No "Hi honey! How was your day?" She has the personality of any inanimate object you can randomly pull to your mind.

Funerals are to facilitate healing for the living, and to honor the deceased. DH & I do not fall into either category with regard to BM.

She's the "ex" and I'm the upgrade. Neither of us would attend.

On the flipside, should DH.s pass, do you think BM's would attend? Just curious.

No. You do not go to the bm funeral. Your dh doesnt go unless his kids have no other support system.

My DH's ex did die and he went to the funeral.  That woman is probably rotting in hell.  The ex and their daughter went to court in 1999 (before we started dating) and had DH kicked out of the house and they moved their respective boyfriends in.  The ex wrote $10,000 in bad checks on a joint account when we were dating that my DH had to pay for (DH was in the military at the time).  And the kicker was when she was no longer getting child support for "their" son she told him that "SS" wasn't his!  My daughters said that he's just trying to show respect for the dead.  I told my daughters that this woman disrespected my DH at every opportunity!  And SD, age 38, and his son age 36 are something else!  SD is a whole blog that can be started and her tale is unbelievable.  My DH has not one child that he can brag about thanks to that evil and vile woman.  

I would be at my son's and DW's side.  Period.  I don't care about the SpermClan at all.  I do care about my kid and his mom.  His SpermIdiot I could not give a shit about.

Probably a mute hypothetical since I am not sure if my kid would even go.  I would encourage him to go.  But I am not sure he would.

Hcgubm, pas and narcissistic. I don’t see him goingnto her funeral and neither would i for the sake of skids. Heck when hubby is sick and mentions it to his kids, they turn it onto being about them that they are busy blah blah blah..

i see my husband telling his kids he is overseas when skids say mummy died... he’s avoided seeing her for 11 yrs, a death won’t make him want to be near her family, they’re just as crazy and dysfunctional as her threatening to kill people 

I won’t be attending BM’s funeral. I can’t wait until that old f*ckmuffin kicks the bucket but no, DH or I won’t be there (we’ll be sipping margaritas in sunny Mexico toasting her expiration). Haha.

Why would DH need you to be there for him? I could see DH attending to be there for his kids, but he should not need emotional support because of his ex.

I don't know if DH would go if something happens to the BM in my life, but there is no reason for me to go.  DH would not need emotional support himself and my SDs would not want me there.

No! I would not go to my dh's ex funeral. The best I could do is to send flowers.

Nope, not a chance....and, he better not jello out either, or he can be these seriously problematic adults full-time support system. 

However, I would anticipate he would be under a huge amount of pressure, knowing this dysfunctional clan.  Everything is another occassion to prove you are daddeeeeeee, even when it is not.

Given that BM held the funeral for OSS without notifying DH that he had died I don’t think he would attend. 

But years later I have forgiven BM. This was their first child who was almost 40. He led a very very troubled life in another state where he fled to avoid gang murder charges.         

What she did was wrong - but in spite of a promiscuous youth now pat 60 she is not a bad person. 

But what I do not get is a parent going to support their adult children at a funeral. Every funeral I’ve ever been to the immediate family (which would NOT include an ex) is separated from everyone else. How much support does one provide when you are never even close. 

funeral or memorial service?

How awkward would that be?

Also, in the obituary, if a person has divorced and married again, typically only the current spouse or significant other is mentioned.

As mentioned, DH and BM have zero contact, as their "children" are middle aged. Why on earth would she think it would be ok to attend his funeral, when he didn't want her in his life (actually LONG BEFORE the divorce proceedings began) after they divorced almost 40 years ago?

How would you handle it if BM showed up?