You're the mother, I don't think you should be afraid of custody unless you've done something wrong in the past. (Something of public record.)

Chances are with their ages right now, he would get them every other weekend. In a couple of years if that is going well, he could get 50/50 if he wanted it.

I split with my exH when my kids were 2 and 3 yrs old. I had been a stay at home mom until recently at that point. He was military and highly deployable. He barely knew our kids. Even married, he really was only home a few days a month. 

It was really hard to let them go in the beginning. They were my world. My life revolved around them! I was certain that he couldn't do anything right. 

I was wrong. He is a good dad and honestly he finally got his chance to shine once we split. He HAD to step up, whereas I would do everything before. He never changed a diaper. He never woke up in the middle of the night. He never dealt with a sick kid- because I did it all.

They have a great relationship now It has been almost 10 years since we split). I had to let go of thinking I could control things though. We co-parent great together now, but it did take a couple of years to figure out what worked for us.

We are good at keeping each other updated if anything happens, we maintain similar structured homes so there really isn't a huge transition when they go back and forth. I know that not everyone is as lucky as I am (because it certainly isn't that way with SS14 and BM!!) but if you actually both work together and put your marriage shit off to the side and focus on them, and how they are going to be strong, independent, capable members of society one day- you can make co-parenting work and it really isn't that hard.

Your best bet is to try to make a custody arrangement with him when you split, rather than letting the court decide. If you are able to split amicably and he's not a vindictive jerk, he might be fine with the limited amount of time you are suggesting, since they are so young and he struggles with them.

I've had two friends who used the same attorney as their spouse when they got a divorce and just decided amicably on custody schedules. My guess is that if you don't try to "keep the kids away" and instead make the decision with him, he will go for what you want, because he doesn't necessarily want them half time right now anyway. 

Normal people who aren't high conflict often have Court Orders that say, "visitation as agreed upon by both parties" and that's it. 

I was also going to suggest that you try to work something out that your husband will agree to, in writing, before going to court.  Perhaps it can even be noted that the custody issue will be revisited every couple of years since he may be willing/able to be more involved as the children age.  Perhaps this could be done in mediation prior to going to court?

It puts the kids in a terrible place.  The adult parent did not do what’s best for the kids, but what best for themselves.  With him having a demanding work schedule, How does he find time with his other kids ?    Are you raking care of SK when DH is working. ?   How is he going to find time to care for a such young kids. 

The court will not decide the custody schedule unless you and DH can't come to an agreement. Most of the "back and forth" in a divorce is handled prior to court. If you can agree to everything in advance, court is nothing more than a signing of papers, you might not even have to appear.

Look into "collaborative divorce." If you can start the process in a non-adversarial way, it can go a long way to the two of you being able to work things out yourselves. There are lawyers who specialize in collaborative divorce. Google for it in your area. If it doesn't work, you can always shift to a more traditional mode.

To be honest, since you are the mother, your are going to have an edge in the process. Try and stay logical and look out for the best interests of your kids and you should be fine.

I stand by it- 50/50 is best...week on/week off-regardless of age IMO.  And these kids are older also-so it's idiotic to do a 2-2-3 schedule.

I stand by the opinion that parents do this in THEIR best interest and because 'they' can't handle being apart so many days-it is never ever in the best interest of the kid to switch back/forth like that-regarldess of having suitcases or not.  I've talke to quite a few kids w/this schedule that absolutely hated it.

I am going through this right now and I completely understand your fears. I thought for a while that I was just going to stay with DH and be miserable because I don't want to lose time with my kids and I'm also terrified of something happening to them when I am not there. I haven't gotten to the custody part of divorce yet so I don't really have any advice but I really feel for you. It is scary, especially when you are the primary caregiver.

On a side note, while DH and I were still together, he did the every other day schedule with SD in the beginning and it was completely insane. I can't believe any judge would even agree to such an arrangement. They eventually moved on to every other week which was much better but I can't imagine only seeing my own bio kids every other week.

Anxiety and worry over your child being away from you during NCP visitation is natural.  My bride went through this for a number of  years early in our marriage.  My SS-27 is not special needs and my bride still struggled and still does.  

Like your SO, the SpermIdiot was notably uninvolved with my SS.  His interest was and has always been in breeding and not in raising the army of out of wedlock spawn he has created (4) with several baby mamas (3).  He pawned the raising of his  youngest three off on SpermGrandHag and she and SpermGrandPa paid his CS obligation for my SS and for the SpermIdiot's half of visitation travel costs for the entire 16+ years we lived under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO.  Over the 7 weeks of visitation he was given in the CO (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) he rarely saw SS for more than a few hours each visitation.

Unfortunately even complete waste of skin morons are given visitation time at least and sadly even more often get joint custody.  However, they still have rights to time with their children as defined in a CO.  So, quality parents have to suffer the anxiety and worry when their children are forced into the presence of dipshits.

In my bride's case, though it faded significantly over time, the anxiety never entirely stopped and even now that SS-27 is an adult there is worry when he visits his SpermClan.  After all, they are still the manipulative toothless dipshits they have always been.  Sadly, a leopard does not change it's spots.  Ever. The good news is that quality parents tend to have much more influence over the outcome for their kids than the dipshits have.  In our case, that has held true. SS is a man of character and standing in his life in spite of the influence of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.

As SS got older and was increasingly able to care for himself and protect himself from the toxic manipulations of his SpermClan my bride's anxiety moderated.  As will yours as your children grow up.

Good luck.

Deep breaths and take care of you.

Do you think he would actually want or could handle 50/50? Are you a stay at home mom right now? If so I think the courts would be biased in your favour if you did split. I also think that your child being special needs might sway things in your favour, as he would probably struggle more with being away from you?

I ended up with 50/50 custody when my daughter was around 3 after a 2.5 year custody battle. My ex is a POS and I hated her going to his place and worrying about whether he would look after her properly. In the end he surprised me and did better than I anticipated but I’m glad his custody was limited until she was a little older and more robust. 

Some men seriously step up the plate when they have to. The fact that he didn’t miss visitation with his other kids is crappy for you, but at least means that he takes his responsibility as a father seriously, which bodes well for your children together.

I went back and forth on this too, but in the end, couldn’t face the total misery with my ex. I’m a better parent without being in a relationship with him. Children are more robust than you expect. My daughter is very well adjusted.