Help! :x
Hi all! I am very new to this site but hoping you guys can give me some solid advice on my relationship!
I have been dating my boyfriend since May and he has a daughter from a previous relationship who just turned 5 last week and lives with him half of the week (fri-Monday and every other Tuesday evening). Our relationship has quickly become very serious and we are planning to get engaged in the next few months. He keeps asking me to move in with him but I am having reservations about moving in with him and his child, at least until maybe we discuss my reservations in depth. We have a very honest and open relationship and we tell each other the good, the bad, etc. I have no problem being honest about anything else in our relationship and we always work through any issue, but I don’t know quite how to say that I feel jealous sometimes of his relationship with his daughter. It sounds awful. I feel awful for having these feelings. I love this little girl though; she is so sweet and welcoming and loves me too. I’m not jealous of her, I guess I am jealous and a little hurt when I feel left out sometimes.
For example.
She has always slept in my partner’s bed with him. She does the same with her mother at her house. My boyfriend spent the summer weaning her from that routine since she just started school last month. So now, instead of them sleeping in his bed, the two of them go up to bed and he tucks her in to her bed, But stays and cuddles with her. He means to come back downstairs to me when she’s asleep, but oftentimes he falls asleep himself by accident and I feel left in the dust. If he does manage to sneak away and we go to his bed together, I have noticed she wakes up during the night and comes in looking for him. He then gets up with her and puts her back in her bed and does the same thing (cuddles until she sleeps). This is a pattern that keeps happening and I end up waking up alone most of the time. When we started dating and I had not yet met his daughter, our alone time was spent relaxing in bed and cuddling and it became a spot where we found intimacy (not even sexually)....now I feel like this is ripped away now that I’m entrenched in the reality of him being a parent now that he integrated me into her life. It’s not her fault and I know this. I’m not upset with her, but I find myself being upset with him sometimes for not understanding. I don’t want to come off the wrong way when I talk to him about this. I have before and he doesn’t understand the problem because we want kids together and isn’t that what’s going to happen with our own?! Well yes, but it is not the same because his daughter is not my own daughter and I don’t see it as the same thing.
Sometimes I feel like I am just a place holder for when she’s not around. Last weekend her mother had her for the night randomly and I was excited because he told me he wanted to take me on a date which we did. When we get home however, the first thing my boyfriend said was “I miss my daughter I wish she was here.” That made me feel sooo bad for some reason, like he didn’t care that I was around. He is an amazing father and I want our own kids one day so I feel bad that I am feeling this way...
I work nights during the week and weekends are our only time to spend together pretty much. Weekends are also when he has his daughter so that also complicates things, but I cherish our nights together since it is mainly our only time together alone. I would never ask him to do something that will affect his daughter negatively, but I also want to keep our relationship healthy!
There’s so much more I want to add but I’m rambling already!
No. Listen to your gut. No.
No.
Listen to your gut.
No.
Your boyfriend needs to balance
being a dad and being a boyfriend. His daughter, him, and you are not a nuclear family, in which case you two decided to have a child together and have those sorts of dynamics where it wouldn't be as bothersome. Even then, going to sleep by yourself basically all the time would be lonesome and a reason to have a conversation.
I would definitely not move in or get engaged until you talk about and solve these issues in your relationship. Sure it makes sense he misses his daughter, but on date night I can understand you feeling like your company is not good enough.
Tuck her in, read a story, maybe rub her head for a few minutes then it is his time to leave. She needs to learn to sleep on her own and your boyfriend needs to prioritize the little bit of alone time you both have available during the time the child should be in bed asleep. If he has an issue with trying a routine like this, than I am sorry but than you are not a priority to him and you deserve better!
omg,,,HE is not your partner
omg,,,HE is not your partner unless your in business together. He is your boyfriend.
"Partner" is from the 70's feminism movement....this is 2019
Stop trying to change what your boyfriend does with his daughter. IF you can not deal with his nightly routine, then dont be present. And do not move in----you just met him for C sake.
You barely know him really..
You barely know him really.. May? this year? The same with his daughter.
He is exhibiting some poor parenting habits.. and I would absolutely not be moving in until his daughter is independently sleeping in her bed overnight. Yeah.. I know the odd bad dream or thunderstorm scare is one thing.. but that should be very rare.. he doesn't need to stay up there long enough for him to fall asleep. A quick 5 minute story and it's nitey nite... he is back down with you.
The LAST thing you want to do right now is to get yourself moved in and knockedup and then realize that you have gotten into a disaster.. you are still very much in the love haze part of your relationship.. stay independent a while longer to be sure... i know you think you are sure.. but especially with a young child.. move slowly.
If you feel jealous of your
If you feel jealous of your bf spending time with his child, you should not be in this relationship.
You've been together a very short time. There are plenty of child-free men out there. Move on and find one.
My advice to you is to pump
My advice to you is to pump the brakes. You haven't even been dating your boyfriend for half a year. If he didn't have kids I'd think that was too soon to get engaged, but WITH kids, it's way too soon. You want to go slow, for your sake and the sake of the child, who doesn't need women going in and out of her life. You need enough time (IMO at least four seasons) to see what kind of a parent he is, see how his relationship with his ex is (and determine if she's batshit crazy, controlling, high conflict, etc.), determine if there are issues with the child (mini-wife, overly dependent/clingy, developmental issues, etc.), and most important to see if what he has to give you, after he's given to his child, his ex and the rest of his life, is enough for you. I honestly don't think a few months is near enough time to get comfortable with all that, especially since you're already seeing some issues.
My DH and I dated and lived apart for well over a year (closer to two) before we moved in together, and even then we probably would have waited longer if there wasn't a hot real estate market window that made it a good time for him to sell his house. It was much easier for me to go through the early stages of a romantic relationship, adapt to his responsibilities, develop a relationship with his children and get the lay of the land if we lived in our respective houses, dated, and did overnights when the kids were with BM. We were together a couple years before getting engaged and over 3 years before getting married. I learned a LOT over that period, and I discovered some things I didn't like about DH's parenting that I needed to see change before I was willing to commit. I think our relationship is much better for not having rushed things, and I think I married him with my eyes wide open. Heck, there are people who would view our timeline as short.
You'll read on this site about women who get pregnant very early on in a relationship with a man with children and find themselves stuck before they realize the dysfunctional situation they've landed in. IMO, time is your friend, so take your time and really know your boyfriend and the entire situation, and thoroughly discuss your reservations and concerns, before you jump in with both feet. That's just my opinion, but I've seen too many people get hurt by rushing into things that didn't need to be rushed.
Thank you, this is great
Thank you, this is great advice. I think deep down I know it is too soon for all that, just needed perspectives from people who have so much more experience with this situation. He is all for having another child ASAP so maybe that’s a red flag in itself, no matter how strongly we feel about each other
rush to commitment and get
rush to commitment and get you pregnant? Red Flags 1 and 2. Daughter that is sleeping in his bed.. and can't go to sleep independently? Red Flag 3. Ex wife.. (even a garden variety) is Red Flag 4.. and if she is high conflict.. redflag 4-10. Kid is 5.. red flag 6..lol etc.. etc..
Slow down.. know him at least a year before contemplating moving in together.. minimum.
I waited 3 years to marry my DH.
Yikes! Huge red flags. Huge.
Yikes! Huge red flags. Huge.
SLOOOOW DOOOWWWNN.
SLOOOOW DOOOWWWNN.
Red flag Number One is a rushed courtship. It speaks to judgement, because as a parent he should be very particular about who he brings into his daughter's life.
Take a year or so to properly vet this guy. Do not move in with him; this only makes things easier for him, when what you need to see is how much he wants you, how he balances his parenting/love life, and now much effort he's willing to put into preparing his life for you (starting with addressing the cosleeping issue). Critically observe him - his parenting style, his family of origin, his work ethic, his friends, how he handles his exes, etc. Take the time to lay down a foundation for a lasting relationship. Work on communicating better. You say you have an open and honest relationship, yet you also say you're afraid to share certain feelings with him. This is not good, obviously, so consider working on that.
Remember, you are young, single, independent, and unencumbered by baggage. In short, you're a catch, so don't be rushed into anything. Be choosy, keep your standards high, and take the time to vet the dynamic as well as the man.
Thank you for some great
Thank you for some great advice <3
By 4 months in, I hadn't even
By 4 months in, I hadn't even met SS yet. And even after I met him, it took months before we spent the night together when he was there. I didn't move in for 2 years after we met and we married 3.5 years after we met.
Take your time. If he's the right one for you, he will still be there in 2 years. And he will be willing to address any concerns you bring up in the meantime. And for the love of God, do NOT get pregnant.
This is exactly why I tell my
This is exactly why I tell my daughters to not date guys with kids. There are plenty of available guys out there that don't come with all the extra stress and drama as one that has already started a family with someone else. Do not move in, do not get pregnant, you can have a family of your own someday without a BM or SD or a Disneyland dad!
Cosleeping is dangerous for
Cosleeping is dangerous for infants and with older children tends to give them the false impression that they are more than children.
Nope. I wouldn't marry this guy given the things you have shared about him as a parent.
He is far from an amazing father. Amazing fathers do not prioritize their children over their mate and subjegate themselves, their mate and their marriage to a child. Any child. Regardless of kid biology.
Do not subjegate yourself to this failed father and his prior relationship child and for sure do not have a child that will forever be a subject of this guy and his prior relationship child.
Move on, find a mate that will prioritize you and make the childen you have with him his focus rather than an afterthought to a child he already has.