Need to vent
Please don't lecture I just need to vent. I understand that DH needs to spend some Holidays with the skids but I'm not handling it well. This is all new to me in terms of dealing with the Holidays. The skids and I co-existed for 9 years, including the holidays. They have not been nice to me for a long time but I just kept my mouth shut. In short they bad mouth and say sarcastic things to me or about me in group settings, made arrangements to meet for supper and never showed, they have locked my children out of our house when they were younger, they had a dog that wan't pottied trained and marked and I asked that they keep it downstairs in their area and they did not, The mini wife trys to tell DH what he can or should spend his money on --she did not like it when we went to movies casue a waste of money etc., Last year in Oct. I get the most horrific hate email from them. The over arching theme was, "I am not family, I never was and I never will be". I always knew there were underlying issues with me and the" mini wife on steriods" but this email blew me away. The skids are 29 and 27. The 29 SD lives in the same town as us. The 27 SD moved to TX to Mommy for total financial assistance of SD27 and her child (she is not working and hasn't for quite some time. I think the longest she has ever worked is maybe a total of 8-9 months. She got pregnant at 19 and the father left. She is soooo high maintenance and nasty that I can understand why a person would leave - lol. )
In the beginning when I initially got the nasty email I was totally fine with the thought of alternating holidays becasue it has been proven they can't handle DH and I being in the same building if they are around. I never wanted to be around them again. Now it sounds like the skids and DH are making plans for the Holidays and DH is waiting to hear from them if they will spend Thanksgiving or Xmas together. My immediate family is 7 hours away if I drive (no immediate access to airportsin my hometown - Denver would be the closests and it's still a 3.5 hour drive home in Nebraska). My DH has no other living family but his girls. I understand this is not easy for anyone. However, I have to admit, I am at a point where I'm thinking why do I have to spend the holiday by myself due to their control/possessivness of their DADDEEEEE. Again, I know he should be with the skids but it just sends me over the edge right now. How do others deal with this feeling of anger towards DH's kids during the holidays? I plan to find other things to keep me busy as one would expect etc., This would be the first Christmas without a hubby because these two can't grow up.
I'm just not a happy camper right now - Thank you for letting me vent.
- Jojab1636's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
oh my gosh, I feel for you.
oh my gosh, I feel for you. That really sucks.
In all honesty, they aren't children...they are adults....and if that can't respect dad's wife (even if just for a Holiday) then they don't see dad. Alot of intact families have major issues....but everyone can find a way to act civil at Christmas or Thanksgiving. He should teach those shits a lesson and not cater to them. It is totally unfair to you. I have would be so pissed if I were you, and it would not fly with me.
Why do you "know he should be
Why do you "know he should be with skids?" Why shouldn't he be with his WIFE? Have you previously agreed to alternating holidays? Where did that idea come from? It seems to me that he should be spending the holidays with his wife, and seeing his kids some other time, or celebrating the holiday with them either before or after. After all, it is the skids who are causing the problem; why should they be rewarded?
Totally agree. If this were
Totally agree. If this were my DH....I'd be telling him that if he wants to leave me home alone to spend Holidays with his GROWN ADULT kids...then he can pack up all of his shit and move in with them.
I think spouses should almost always come first in family's, but in family's with GROWN ADULT kids...the spouses should come first 100 percent of the time.
alternating holidays
I have shared with my DH that I feel they are being rewarded for their hateful behavior and he says nothing other than he would like to be with his kids for some holidays. I think this idea was maybe a suggestion that was thought of off hand in counseling. The discussion at the time was that I told DH and the counselor that I did not want the SD's in the house for several reasons. One: The 27 SD snoops in my things (she isn't very good at hiding what she has done) and has taken my clothes (caught her red handed). SD29 is extremely volitale and it is like walking on egg shells with her. I was pretty upset at this point in the session and I believe it was mentioned at this time by the counselor "maybe alternating holidays". I was fine with this thought if it was in town and we had to share the day (like one year in the am with me and pm with them and then switching the following year). I wasn't thinking we would be alternating an entire week in TX. To me that is different.
Thank you for the support - UGH!
You are his next of kin; you
You are his next of kin; you come first. As long as he coddles these girls and does not tell them they are to respect you as his wife, they will continue this childish behavior. My SDs are in their 40's. One has gotten the message and is coming around. The oldest is an entitled narcissist and will never budge until people grovel to her.
As a married couple you should be alternating holidays between your family and his, not his family and you.
I am curious how he addressed the nasty email?
Nasty email
I got the email last October. He said he would talk to them. His "talking to them" is way different than my "talking to them". He said he would discussi it with them. I have shared with him that they verbally and emotionally abuse him. He reacts the same way an abused person would. He just wants to keep an even keel - don't make them mad. Initially, when my husband read the email he was flabbergasted. His reaction was, "oh my" as he rubbed his forehead. He then proceeded to say he was sorry. I don't want a sorry from him!!! He really was shocked at what he was reading. I have been trying to tell him he hasn't been or isn't seeing the "other side" of these two. I guess that is why I find it kind of scary in a sense. They can do whatever they want and he doesnt see it. This is why I told both DH and the counselor I don't want them in the house. They can do whatever they want and he doesn't see it.
Ridiculous
Early in our marriage SD (who was in her 40’s at the time) tried the “must spend your holidays with us” but it was clear I was tolerated, not accepted. My DH chose from then on to spend holidays with me, his wife, and not give in to the manipulation. If I wanted to spend the holidays alone, I would have stayed single. Your skids are grown so the big issue is with your DH. The advice above is good - he can visit on other occasions- it doesn’t have to be a major holiday. Please try and talk with your DH about this issue.
stayed single
Thank you for your response. I told him exactly what you said, " If I wanted to spend the holidays alone, I would have stayed single." It is as if he is rewarding them for thier crappy behavior. Of course the one SD uses the grandson as a pawn which doesn't help.
'I understand that DH needs
'I understand that DH needs to spend some Holidays with the skids'
Ok so I read this and assumed we were going to be talking about children. But wth they're 29 and 27! Decisions concerning major holidays should be made jointly between you and your husband, NOT between DH and his entitled offspring. He can hardly expect you to have them in your house at any time really after that awful email, let alone special holidays.
You DH is making holiday
You DH is making holiday plans with his kids? No. He makes holiday plans with his wife first.
He knows you don't want to spend time with them, nor they you. And yet he is making plans. Exactly how does he think this is going to work out?
The day my husband tells me what "our" or even "his" holiday plans are without talking with me is the day he can move in with whomever is more important than I am.
Your very first words are
Your very first words are "please don't lecture" you then say "I know he should be spending holidays with his kids" I feel lile you've been seriously gaslighted/brainwashed into believing that your feelings are selfish and "the kids should always come first no matter what".
These aren't kids these are adults. That he would happily leave you on the holidays on your own must be extremely hurtful. You have a DH problem, please stop believing the line that the kids come first always or that you deserve to be lectured for how you're feeling.
You have a HUSBAND problem.
You have a HUSBAND problem. My adult SS and his wife are just as horrible as your skids. I have banned them 100% from my home and life - including when I have all of DH’s siblings and cousins over for a holiday.
My DH is free to see them as long as it is not in our home and does not interfere with our plans together. My DH doesn’t object to this at all.
Wow. I can see your DH
Wow. I can see your DH rubbing his head, perplexed because he (possibly) wants to please you, but he DEFINITELY does NOT want to confront his craptastic adult arseholes, er, children, over their terrible treatment of you.
If he actually plans to leave you alone for any holiday. I hope you book yourself a lovely getaway at a nice resort where you are pampered and waited on hand and foot.
Your husband has given his rotten children control of his mansack and needs to get it back.