Is my DH different?
As you may or may not know, about 2 months ago now, I advised DH that I was disengaging, completely.
Quick background, together 8 years indifferent relationship from the YSD's since day one, great relationship with OSD (married with sgkids) until last year when the beast was unfurled on myself and DH by way of a massive 3 hour berating session in my home.
DH has been working to get back in the OSD good books, and I decided that it was pretty clear that none of the SD's wanted me in their lives, so for self preservation and emotional protection I needed to check out from their toxic crap.
Thing is - since I advised DH I was disengaging, he has kind of checked out with me. First he was angry and then that settled into almost a slight coldness. He also isn't listening to me, often I will say something and get asked why I haven't mentioned it before when we have had a discussion about it previously.
It's just causing me double the hurt, the family that I thought I partially was a part of (including sgkids) gone, and now this. Has anyone else experienced this?
Sounds like he's feeling
Sounds like he's feeling sorry for himself. Your disengagement means that he is now soley responsible for the relationship with his kids. And that's haaaaarrrrddd. He'd much rather have you there as a buffer. So he's going to be mad at YOU about it..
Have you discussed with him that you feel like he's checked out with you? I don't think I'd mention his disengagement -- just that you feel like he's been distant, forgetting conversations, and just not present with you. Tell him you're worried about him, and see what he says.
I tried to tell him I was
I tried to tell him I was worried about him - at first I honestly thought he was going senile!! LOL. He pretty much just brushed it off and didn't really answer.
I don’t think his behavior
I don’t think his behavior is unusual. You’ve basically told him you don’t care about his kids anymore. You’re not wrong for disengaging and he’ll have to figure out how to handle it but it could mean he doesn’t.
I didn't ever say that I don
I didn't ever say that I don't care about his kids at all, I simply wasn't willing to be a party to the invisible and irrelevant treatment I received by them.
He Partially Disengaged With You, How Nice
Just like it is a process for us, it is for them also, if they're truly trying to disengage.
He sounds preoccupied. He's moved through the "anger" phase, later appearing "cold." This may be that he's in the "loss" phase of disengagement, reflecting on memories, and perhaps mourning the idea those times are overwith. OR, he may be scheming how he can still have his cake and eat it too. DH was appearing to listen, but not hearing me at times. Listening is "attending" to conversation, but "hearing" is comprehending what you're hearing. Many DH's treat SD's like a mistress: sneaking around to text or call or visit, all the while lying to their wives about it, which further perpetuates the cycle of chaos. I hope your DH really gets it and continues to staye disengaged for the sake of your marriage.
Afer a "massive 3 hour berating session" I would say it's best for both of you to write her off. Our berating session only lasted almost an hour. Looking back, I should've just called the police, but I had never experienced anything close to that before, (it reminded me of an exorcism) so I had no idea what to do!
As tough as it is, if he didn't stick up for you or himself, try to be loving and supportive. Ladies told me this in the beginning, but I wasn't to that phase yet. The rationale is, DH will see you represent love, support and comfort, but SD represents the opposite. He will in turn choose to be around you as you make him comfortable, and that's what this is all about for these DH's.
I still think he hasn't let
I still think he hasn't let go of the Brady Bunch dream....however, with me now practising disengagment (I say practising because I have to remind myself) and the skids never wanting to be engaged with me it appears he is the only one wanting that!
I wish he had written her off after that, it was horrendous. In fact she got angry at him afterwards because he didn't stand up for his daughter to his wife! I will try to be loving and supportive, but it is really hard when you are getting the cold shoulder yourself.
I got pretty mad last night when I started to discuss our big trip (my bucket list turn this time) we have planned for next year during our summer and DH was more worried about how much of summer we are going to miss than the trip itself. I told him maybe it would be better for him to stay home and enjoy the sun!
My OSD, in her 40's, did the
My OSD, in her 40's, did the same thing - got mad at her dad for not defending her for her bad behavior. She told him "but I am your daughter". She then told him she needed counseling because he defended me and not her. So there is an expectation that daughter trumps wife.
These SDs, who frequently have their own DH's who they expect to put them first, don't understand their dad's putting anyone first but them.
Call the waaaaaaahm-bulance!
Call the waaaaaaahm-bulance! Sounds like your DH is in Pout Mode. I agree with others that your DH is acting like this to try and get you to re-engage.
DH has been working to get back in the OSD good books,
Pffffft. That's HIS problem. If his kids weren't raised to be catered to, this would not be happening.
When SD23 gets mad at my DH (which is ALL of the time since SD23 gets mad at ANYONE because they do something like breathe wrong), DH just shrugs it off and figures SD23 will contact him when she gets her knickers out of a twist.
I would either put the bucket list trip on hold for a year or go with a friend next year.
Amazing how you disengage for
Amazing how you disengage for your own health and sanity and he’s manipulating you with the cold shoulder. Never mind the fact that he has a disrespect grown @ss child that continues to violate boundaries but you’re suppose to stay there and suck it up? Yeah he can miss you with that BS. As for the trip I’d go with or without him if he wants to drag his feet and act cold. Life is too short and precious for catering to someone who doesn’t support you and your worth.
Many of us have experienced
Many of us have experienced toxic family situations. Either in current or in past relationships.
I fully engaged in my XW's family. Unfortueately that meant that I had to cheat on the person I enjoyed being.
Your DH has proven that he is far from being a man of honor, character or substance and is far from being the equity life partner that you should have.
Time to give him clarity that he retunes, focuses on the marriage, and makes it perfectly cleat to his spawn that you and the marriage come first and that you will be at his side and he will be at yours... always.
If he can't find the testicular fortitude to give this absolute clear message to all who need it then take him to the cleaners and celebrate your new life adventure with he and his entire shallow and polluted gene pool fading into your past.
Good luck.
Take care of you.