An Ambiguous Role
Having just read a response to another post which said, "What's wrong with being 'Dad's wife?'," it got me thinking.
For some step parents being "Dad's wife" is enough. They neither want nor expect anything more which works well when all parties agree. It becomes a problem however when Dad wants his wife to treat his children as family or a child wants more than a step parent is prepared to give.
For other step parents though, they do want to be acknowledged as part of the family, not just an appendage. Let's face it, the phrase "Dad's wife" is very much an add-on; it instantly indicates that the only relationship is linked to dad and that can be hurtful.
What other family position allows such an ambiguous choice in role (from all sides)? What other family position allows a choice of whether you are part of the family or not? You marry a man with a neice. Automatically you become Aunty Lollybobs. You never become "My uncle's wife." Equally, you don't refer to the child/adult as as "My husband's neice." You refer to your MIL as that - not as "My husband's mother". It would be seen as offensive for her to refer to you as "My son's wife rather than "My DIL".
Nobody is right or wrong. It's just that the role of a step parent can be interpreted in so many different ways - which is why it's such a difficult minefield to navigate.
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Hmm thought provoking. I mean
Hmm thought provoking. I mean that is the big issue is that theres no one size fits all and everyone has their own sometimes very strong feelings on what's right and wrong for a stepfamily. And I think the closest possible thing would be MIL/FIL but it's not really the same. You arent expected to live with or consider them the same as biological family. I view skid as an inlaw though. Shes DHs relative and only mine by marriage.
I do actually use the terms "my husbands niece (and then catch myself) because it feels weird when they were born before DH and I were married so I had an initial view of them as "his nieces." And likewise the aunts husbands I was close to when I was little I referred to as uncle but the ones that came around after I was grown or I dont really know are aunts husbands. Not because I necessarily have anything against them but that's what they feel like to me so I just say it.
i too had to google what a fascinator is
and a hot pink one too boot!
It makes a difference
When we were first married I noticed right away that while I referred to the skids as "these are my skids, OSS and YSS" that DH would always introduce DS as "this is ITBs son."
The same guy who wanted us to be family. I pointed out to him it made a difference and how would he feel if I introduced his children that way?
It's technically accurate but it sounds like you're trying to distance yourself.
Ha!
Ha!
Dad's Wife would be just fine and dandy with me.
At this point I'm probably just known as T.H.O.T.
(That Ho Over There)
Don't know don't care disengaged like a mofo now!
Is that what a THOT is? Lol
Is that what a THOT is? Lol
Yes
Yes.
I don't consider myself aunt
I don't consider myself aunt to DH's nephews and niece. They like me okay, but I refer to them as "DH's nephews and niece". We don't see them often and I'm not close with them (and I'm DH's 3rd wife, though all of them only knew #2).
The problem would come if I went in there demanding to be thought of as Aunt and feeling upset and hurt that they don't want that. No matter how stepmothers "want" their skids to feel, if they don't feel that way, it's not rational to be hurt about it. Relationships develop organically, they don't come about because someone feels entitled to them by marriage.
To me, being "Dad's wife" doesn't mean you aren't part of the family, at all. I don't know how SS thinks of me, there was a time he told me I was "like a mother" to him, but he was young and I'm not sure he knew what that meant. "Dad's wife" is fine, if that's how he feels, as long as he's not rude to me in any way.
Now when I met DH he had a
Now when I met DH he had a nephew and a niece. Initially, I was introduced as Lollybobs. Once we'd moved in together, we sent all cards and gifts from Uncle DH & Aunty Lollybobs and shortly after that, they started referring to me verbally as Aunty Lollybobs. They'd stopped referring to BM as Aunty when she and DH divorced. All other nephews and nieces arrived after DH and I were together so they never knew any different. We all see each other 100% as aunts/nephews/nieces.
Interesting isn't it how different families do things.
I think "dad's wife" confers
I think "dad's wife" confers the idea that the spouse was not there for the majority if any of the child's life and didn't take an active role with them. It doesn't necessarily confer lack of closeness.
I think there is a lot of ambiguity because there are so many shades of differences in how much people want to be viewed and what resposibilities they want to take on. There is also the triangulation of different people.. spouse, new spouse, child.. child of new spouse.. and they all may have competing ideas.
I actually don't consider my SO's niece and nephews as mine.. they don't call me aunt. I've known them since they were kids. I'm also not grandma to my OSD's child.
But.. I do have a good relationship with my SD's.. I just don't use those labels.
Same. My nieces actually do
Same. My nieces actually do call DH "Uncle DH's name", but no one told them to - we just see them more often and are closer to them than I am to DH's family.
I get along OK with SS, I just don't need to be called "stepmother". My sister has a stepdaughter who used to (lovingly) refer to her as "stepmonster" when she was younger, and they now have a great relationship. I don't really get why people insist they have to be seen as a stepmother.
Because other people have
Because other people have invested far more in their Sks than you have in yours. It's perfectly fine if you don't need any acknowledgment and you have no problem defining your role. You were very disengaged for all of it. Others have different experiences.
Yes, I get that - but you can
Yes, I get that - but you can't insist on someone viewing you in a manner that they don't. So if they are invested in the skid, but the skid isn't invested in them, how is it the skid's fault and not the stepparent's for having unrealistic expectations?
Again, it would be like me insisting DH's nephews call me Aunt Tog because it hurts my feelings when they don't - even though they don't feel close to me in that manner. You can't demand people see you a certain way.
I must have missed the post
I must have missed the post where someone was making these demands? I've seen a few express sadness and hurt that their investments were rejected.
It is true. While my DH's
It is true. While my DH's family refers to me as "their whatever" I don't refer to them that way. We don't have a relationship with the majority of them and I refer to them as my DH's sister/brother/neice/nephew. I do it because of the distance.
Lollybobs, I luuuuuuuuuuuv
Lollybobs, I luuuuuuuuuuuv your new photo!!!
Very deep topic
Hmmm I can see this being very different to many of us ... Personally I am one of those who wanted/wants an actual family. That means Call me Ishma.... ooops Step Dad is just fine. I agree that 'dad's wife or mom's husband' is rather at odds and that would make me feel less than a family member.
For my 2 cents, we should perhaps be step dad or step mom. This is because we should be an equal spouse; there is one male alpha and one female alpha and neither of thos is ever the child of any age.