Drowning..please help
I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of this post. There is a lot going on that has led me here, and this is my first forum post.
I am a 25 year old man. My fiance is 30 years old. I met my fiance about 3.5-4 years ago. She was coming out of an abusive marriage. I knew she had children, but I did not meet them for about 2 months. The first couple of months were amazing. We immediately hit it off and fell In love quickly. We began living together almost immediately. After things settled with her ex, I met the kids. They were then 4 and 8. At the time she had the kids every other week. After 6 months, I proposed. I loved her, and I was beginning to love her kids.
Now, years later, we have yet to marry. My younger sister and brother both came to live with me to escape an abusive mother. I work full time; overtime, and solely support this entire family. My stepchildren are now 8 and 12. I have sacrificed my entire life for my fiance. I no longer have any friends. I no longer have any free time whatsoever. I can't play guitar or piano anymore, draw, go do anything I enjoy. Not for years now. My entire existence is centered entirely on providing for this family. My wife no longer shows me the love and affection I NEED, claiming exhaustion or business. She does not have a job, and my step kids are in public school. She hardly cleans. She insists on controlling the money and often overspends, neglecting our bills, causing greater financial stress for me. She also seems perpetually angry about something. When I Express how I feel, she immediately shuts me down and tells me it is my responsibility to take care of "my kids" and that It is my job. I love my step children also, and have cared for and loved them as my own; have since I was practically a kid still myself. My step son often demands to sleep in our bed and cries and throws fits if I refuse. I have to be up at 445, and sometimes...often, these episodes rob me of my sleep, leaving me exhausted to work an 8-13 hr day. He has become like this in many ways, throwing tantrums if he doesn't get his way. My efforts to end this and discipline are more often than not rebutted by my wife in front of the kids, along with insults and reasons I am wrong and should shut up. This has led the kids to lately speak to me in a similar manner, and use this as manipulation to pit myself against my fiance. My life has become my own hell, but I love my step children very much and don't know what to do. I love my fiance too, but I feel like she is a completely different person now. I am lost and don't know what to do. I feel helpless and desperate. I feel completely unappreciated. I have given up everything! My entire identity! I could have gone back and finished college. I could be comfortable living on my income. So many things....but now I am only a father and husband. Sort of. I feel like I am drowning. I feel depressed and angry. And my fiance...says I am selfish when I speak up. Help me!
You are too young for this
You are too young for this kind of life. There is no reason you should be supporting a woman and her two kids. Why doesn't she work? Does their Father pay child support? Unless she is willing to step up, leave her and start living your life. It sounds like you may have to continue to support your siblings if they are still under age, that is more than enough responsibility for you.
She doesn't work because she
She doesn't work because she gets extreme anxiety and feels like she should be able to be a stay at home mom. Their father does not pay child support and hardly sees the kids. She doesn't want to push him for fear of retribution. 5 or 6 times she has gotten a job and quit within two weeks.
What kind of retribution?
What kind of retribution? He is the father of the children, he should be helping support them. All she needs to do is file with the court. She doesn't get to be a stay at home mom because she is divorced from the children's father. That may sound harsh, but it is the truth. Divorced Mom's need to work - or collect alimony and child support. Since she doesn't want to go after either of those, she needs a job. It is not your responsibility to support her and her children. As others have said, you are in an abusive situation and need to take steps to get out of it.
So she uses you as a crutch,
So she uses you as a crutch, and in a sense, you enable her. Sounds like this is unhealthy for both of you.
You need to leave, for your
You need to leave, for your own sanity and safety.
It sounds like your girlfriend is the abusive one in this relationship, whether she was in her previous relationship or is this behaviour a reaction to what happened prior.
It also sounds like you were bought up by a abusive mother and she trained you how to behave and now you have replaced your mother with an abusive partner.
Welcome to the site!
I was shocked to hear you have been living this life since age 21. You should be out with friends, enjoying a relatively carefree lifestyle at your age, not being exploited by a woman for her and her kids' benefit. She is abusing you. Is it really a good relationship where you say you have "given up your identity" and you have no friends any more? this is not what a loving, supportive relationship is all about. I think you probably know what you need to do.
I do...I feel like I need to,
I do...I feel like I need to, if only so I can be happy. But then that seems selfish and I would be abandoning the kids, as well as her. My life has been this way for so long that I feel afraid to go. Where will I go and what will I do? My credit is already ruined...and my vehicle is in her name, as well as many other things at her urging. I also know that it would not be peaceful and I can forsee a reaction of rage and threats...many of which I would not put past her to fulfill, inorder to make my life without her infeasible. and then, sometimes, I look at her and I remember the good times that seemed so full of love and I'm afraid to leave it behind. What if it was my one shot? I had girlfriends when I was younger of course, but a chaotic parentage that led to me constantly moving, and being homeless at 19 for a while, abandoning 2 years of college. I am mostly averse to the prospect of leaving the kids and hurting them... they have had a bad time in the past concerning fathers. ..
I have no family, really, besides my siblings and no friends to support this either. I am essentially alone outside of my household.
Trust me, it's better to be
Trust me, it's better to be on your butt struggling to make your life better than staying in a relationship that is killing your soul. The struggle to get things back on track will take a while maybe 2years maybe longer. But isnt that better than a life time 60-70 years of what you are currently living. Your lady wont change, you will force her to she will hate you and find someone new to replace yo . She was manipulating you. Get out before it's too late.
I think that
I think that what you are describing is a lot more common than you realize. Women who are unhappy have a nearly endless supply of support in the form of friends, television shows, and social media aimed directly at them. Men tend to just put their heads down and tell themselves that they are obligated to continue working to support a group of people long after they have ceased to get back any shred of love, respect, or kindness. They lead lives of "quiet desperation", often relying on alcohol and developing heart disease, and turn into the classic cranky old bastard that no one wants to be around.
You are only 25 now. It sounds like you got sold a bill of goods by a woman who was looking for a meal ticket when you were young. The ideal of a man "doing the right thing" was not yet balanced out by the reality that both parties have a continuing obligation in a relationship and that means YOU being rewarded for your work with love, kindness, and a partner who has not started to just sit on her ass. Everyone has a job in life and a SAHM's job is to take care of the home and kids and live within the means coming into the house. If she is not doing that then she is not doing her job and honoring your efforts.
My suggestion if you want to save the relationship is to have a "come to Jesus" discussion with her in which you tell her that you feel completely unappreciated and that unless things change to the point where your life with her and her kids is worth living that you can no longer be together. If her response is purely economic panic rather than "I am so sorry that I have made you feel that way" then I would bounce and do it quickly. You are being used and she stopped loving you a long time ago. Or if you are so tired and fed up that you no longer have any feelings of love for her anymore then it is time for you to go. She is a grown woman and you have given her several years on easy street. Time for her to get back to the real world. She is a big girl and she will live.
You seem like a good guy. Don't stop that. Just next time be more careful and don't wait until things have gone completely off the rails to say something. Relationships are give and take through the years and each person gives more at different times. But when it starts to become all give on one side for too long, you have to speak up before resentment sets in. Good luck to you!
I have been trying since I
I have been trying since I made this post to speak up to her, but she will not listen. She just gets angry and argues with me and tells me essentially that I'm a piece of s*** for feeling the way that I feel. That I need to man up and deal with it because that's how life is. Her response is never to have a discussion with me and try to come to a resolution, she wants to argue and make it a blame game. She doesn't understand how completely empty and robbed I feel inside. How hurt and used, manipulated, and unappreciated I feel. Depressed.
There are basic requirements
There are basic requirements for a successful relationship and one of the major ones is communication, another is respect, yet another is trust. You have none of those. Please pack your bags today and never look back.
If I were you, at "piece of
If I were you, at "piece of shit" she would be out on her ass and well on her way to being an X.
Grow some sack man and have some confidence.
Move on and write her off.
You support
Her n she dares disrespect you? You are soo young, there are more fish in the sea!!
Your girlfriend should be
Your girlfriend should be supporting herself and her kids. That is not your responsibility. Let her know that she needs to get a job, stat. Take control of the finances. Luckily you're not married and these kids are not yours, so if she doesn't make changes, and it becomes more apparent than it already is that she's using you, you can walk away. How old are your siblings, and are they still with you? Does your girlfriend provide care for them?
My heart goes out to you, sir
My heart goes out to you, sir. You are in an abusive relationship. You are being used and exploited, and need to develop an exit strategy.
A lot of men don't realize that women can be very manipulative and abusive. My DH was also in a relationship with a woman five years older. He was twenty-two, freshly divorced, and desperate to be loved. She was a welfare queen and professional parasite who had him working two jobs to support her and her two kids as well as his own two from his first marriage. His personal bills went unpaid while she lived in comfort and built up a nice next egg. When she sensed he was getting fed up, Oops! the birth control "failed" and he had another reason to stay. He thought he was in control and the man of the house, but the truth was she saw his vulnerability a mile away, caught him, and was the real chess master. It took him seven years to free himself due to the fear, obligation and guilt, and she really messed with his head.
You need to develop a plan to take back your life and get away from this woman. Get a p.o. box, submit a change of address to the post office, open a new bank account, and reroute your paycheck so you can start handling your own finances. Pull your credit report to see what if any damage has been done financially, and start looking for a new place to live. Ideally, you want to leave quickly and completely but be prepared to stand strong if things get messy. Also, be aware that your gf may change tactics when she realizes that she's losing control of you. She may start treating you better, want to be intimate, and generally try to draw you back in. Don't fall for this, and definitely double wrap it if you do have sex.
I'm rooting for you! Please update us and keep posting if you need support.
You are not selfish, you are being taken extreme advantage of
and I'm a bit in need of clarification. At some times in your post she is called your "wife" and at others, "fiance." So married or not? That makes a difference in how people will respond.
Right now, based on info provided, I will say you are YOUNG, have not experienced having your own children and you have been essentially swallowed up by this gal and HER KIDS. These people ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Do your level best to end this relationship and move forward. Give yourself time to heal and later please try to find someone similarly matched to yourself and your work ethic and ideals.
This sounds like hell on earth.
I'm sad for you.
Good luck.
To clarify she is my fiance.
To clarify she is my fiance. I said wife out of habit because I have used that description so often to explain my situation. And I believe you are all right, it just feels like the hardest decision in the world. I don't know why...I am afraid that it will hurt the kids. And I don't want to be a dirtbag. I also don't want to be miserable because yes, my life is hell. How do I make an exit strategy that will have minimal conflict? I know my mind and emotions have been toyed with. I'm struggling to figure this out. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world and I feel alone. But is that not a man's responsibility?
The dirtbag in this situation
The dirtbag in this situation is NOT you. You have reached your limit in a situation that is intolerable.
Firstly, you are NOT her children's father and you should not be bearing the responsibility of another man's offspring. Your only responsibility is to yourself, nobody else. HER responsibility is to her children. Her ex's responsibility is to his children. I don't buy the "fear of retribution" line. There is no reason for you to foot all of the bills because she is too darn lazy to go after her ex for child support.
Stop stalling out of fear for how the kids will feel. They will survive. They have already been successfully cut off from their father by their mother. You will be just another blip on their radar.
Take a long look at your life. Now try to imagine how this situation will feel in another five years. Now try and imagine where you'd like to be in five years, what you want your life to be like. Please leave this toxic situation before it destroys you. Please also get help for your depression. Life can be such a wonderful thing but you have to grab it while you can - don't squander it on unworthy people.
A man's responsibility?
A man's responsibility? Where are you getting this????? Seriously. Enough. Let me be very blunt here. It is not "a man's responsibility" to sacrifice himself for any woman with children who let him see her naked. You more than paid for her services. Your conscience is clean and you are free to live your life. I can not put it any more plainly. Please listen to us. You are too young to be in this situation.
I already doubted the perfect
I already doubted the perfect grammar, now this?
Seriously? I don't know any 25-year-olds who think it's a "man's responsibility" to care for women. Did you teleport in from 1956?
The phrasing of
The phrasing of "but is that not...." as well as the grammar did give me pause. It is a rather formal writing style for a 25 year old but he did mention wanting to finish his degree so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I have been a total nerd since high school so it happens. My thought on the attitude was that perhaps he was influenced by an old-school type at an early age and what is an honorable ideal got horribly misinterpreted and internalized.
Whenever people know an
Whenever people know an ellipsis (...) is only three dots, and use a semicolon EVER, I get suspicious, lol. Plus the "wife" thing when she's not. Anyway, don't want to accuse anyone of being fake, but sometimes I think fiction writers like to try out their plots on us.
You are not wrong.
You are not wrong. I will have to borrow your semicolon rule! As well as rein in my dot habit. (Woah, Nelly!) I get a little skippy with them for emphasis.
Guys. I am 25. This really is
Guys. I am 25. This really is my situation. I was almost 3 years into college when I left. I was born in 1994. Sorry for the grammar, I guess. It's just how I write. I try to be clear and concise. I have aspergers. Sometimes people feel off-put by how I speak and text, but it's just me. This is real life for me and I truly need help. I do not want to trick or take advantage of anyone on this site whatsoever I just need help. Desperately. I have nobody else to talk to. It's been years since I spoke to my school friends. This is very personal to me and based on what I read throughout this website, it felt like a safe spot. If you want to know how it is going now, the answer is badly. I stood up for myself multiple times and told her how I felt and she turned it around on me and basically said I was a failure as a dad and husband and that I have no right to be angry. She is NOT my wife; she just pushed me so hard to call her that so people would understand our situation without having to explain that we are not actually married. Perhaps she doesn't want people to know I'm being used. I'm sorry if I am throwing people off on this site. I'm trying to work up the courage but I am afraid that upon leaving, she will tell my siblings (the only family I have) that I did some sort of horrible thing. She will try to make my life miserable. Take my money, my car, my house, everything. I would have to get a lawyer because she's a very good liar and manipulator. Also, unfortunately she has convinced me to put almost everything in her name. This will be the hardest thing I've ever done. I feel completely trapped. I have tried to talk to her to tell her how I feel and save the relationship but she just reacts with anger. Also, my father (who died when I was 18) tried to teach me to be a good man amd chivalrous. He was in the air force and very strict. My mother was abusive and had munchausen by proxy and harmed my sister and I as infants and toddlers. He remarried another abusive and prescription drug addicted woman and died of cancer caused by acid reflux at 45. They had 3 more children together, two of which are my younger brother and sister who now live with me.
Your GF is abusive - seek
Your GF is abusive - seek help from a domestic violence program, they will help men, too. She may not be hitting you, but everything else she's doing is abusive.
They can help you there.
You are neither a father not
You're living in abject misery, please make your list for your
exit strategy.
Start by taking control of YOUR FINANCES.
Are you leasing a place or buying? If you're leasing, is she on the lease? If not, this will be very simple. You can have the locks rekeyed, and serve her with an eviction notice. Another thing I learned was in TX anyway, whatever address is on your license is your home. There was a situation where a place was being leased by a friend, and her boyfriend had moved in. He became abusive, and she wanted him out. Both their licenses had THAT address. Legally she shouldn't have been able to kick him out, even though her name was the only one on the lease, ,becuase of what address was listed on his license. It was only because he was being abusive that she had the right to kick him out and get the locks changed.
The kids will get over it. She will too, and most of all, you WILL have peace in your life.
Give yourself the gift of ridding yourself of this horrible stress. Envision how happy you'll be living your life, getting back to doing the things you enjoyed, but now you never get to do.
You're young. There's an entire new world waiting for you out there!
I've made a similar misstep before; Stop enabling
I hate to say this but time for Fiance to really come around and be a partner or for the sake of your own life and sanity you do. A good 50% of the failure of my first marriage is because I did too much and in the end enabled her bad behavior and I resented her.
It certainly sounds like you have done the same and are now realizing the reward is being a doormat. Please see a counselor and discuss all of this. You have to love yourself first in order to love her and she absolutely is not participating in this relationship. You need a partner. Either you have a very long uphill fight here or you need to get out of this, run and cut all ties then you can find a real partner.
well, tonight I tried to
well, tonight I tried to have A heart-to-heart with her again. In the end she slapped me in the face and wouldn't listen to a word that I had to say. I said everything in a very calm and reasonable tone and tried to explain to her that I do love her but things have to change. She told me that if I left her she would destroy me. She has no interest in changing anything about herself, she only wants to mold and morph me into the person that she wants me to be. As somebody else on this form said: a doormat.
A perfect exit strategy; slap an assault charge on her
Get the law involved. That will accelerate the process. This is your chance.
Do you rent or own the home? If you rent, is she on the lease?
I would check with a lawer.
To see where you stand in your state. You are not responsible for the kids. Do you own or rent, what is your name on ? Ect
I rent. And there is no
I rent. And there is no formal lease, just a spoken agreement. It's my youngest sisters'(who does not live with me) adoptive parents house. However, her name is on both of my (shitty) cars, the insurance, gas heat, electricity, and water.
Then start by removing your
Then start by removing your name from the insurance, gas, electricity and water. Continue by separating finances and stop letting her control the money. See if you can't have her name removed from your cars. If not, then remove yours so that you can walk away from this dreadful situation. A couple of crappy cars is a small price to pay for your freedom.
You can do this.
Please consider
Going to a domestic violence place for counsel n resources. Learn n heal so you learn how to choose a healthy partner... Try staying at a hotel one night and see if you feel peaceful. If you do then you kniw you might want to be on your own