BF's son (8) is immature, manipulative and annoying as hell...
Hi everyone, I'm new here and this is my first post!
I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I have been in a relationship with a man who has 2 boys, ages 13 and 8. The 13 year old is quiet and smart....acts like a typical teenager. The 8 year old is a whole different story.....
I feel absolutely horrible saying this....but I have grown to the point where I can barely stand to be around the kid. He is angry, rude and manipulative. He tells his Dad to shut up, tells him no when he is asked to do things like brush his teeth for bed, etc. The kid holds his fork and spoon like a caveman and can't eat a friggin ' meal without half of his food ending up on the floor or his lap. He can't do much of anything for himself. His Dad still cuts his food for him. I actually don't blame him though....the kis is so clumsy that he would likely cut himself if he tried. He still throws temper tantrums over the silliest of things...sometimes to the point where his Dad has to grab on to him to bring him down from the rage that he's in. He popped his older brother right in the eyeball a while back, when his brother wouldn't give a ball to him that he was playing with. The kid is loud and obnoxious. He interrups constantly and will purposly annoy to get his way, ex. "Dad, can I have some hot chocolate? Dad, can I have some hot chocolate? Dad, can I have some hot chocolate? Dad, can I have some hot chocolate?".....about 10 times in a row thinking that his Dad will give in. Many times he does....which annoys me. The kid never stops talking or moving. Like ever!!!!!! I've had some talks with my boyfriend about his behaviour....he said that he can't punish him when he does something wrong. He says doesn't matter what he tries to do, the kid is unphased! I beg to differ...
My daughter is 6 months older than him and she was recently diagnosed with a mild form of ADHD. She seems to be leaps and bounds infront of him when it comes to maturity and development. I know that girls normally mature faster than boys, but the difference is insane. She doesn't behave like he does at all and she is the one with the disorder! I though, recognized the signs that there may be a problem and sought help right away. She isn't hyperactive, but does lack inpulse control and her biological Dad and I work very hard with her to curb the bad behaviour. My boyfriends son seems to be doing well in school and his Teachers always state how much of a great kid he is....but when he get's home...it's a different story. He is a rude and annoying nightmare.
I'm pretty sure that his has severe ADHD...this comes with many years of research into my own Daughter's behaviour. I even had my boyfriend read over the paperwork that I received from her Pediatrician, in hopes that it would trigger something in him about his some's behaviour. I think he is in denial....and while he is, I'm becoming increasingly resentful. My boyfriend is very hard on his older son and makes rules for him that he doesn't apply to his younger. That annoys me to no end. One of my biggest pet peeves. If the older one can't bounce a ball in the house, the younger one shouldn't be able to either!!
Thank goodness I don't live with them as I fear I would lose my sh*t!!!
Does anyone have any advice for me?? Help!
Once again - your BF is the
As often is the case on here - your BF is the problem. He doesn't parent his kid consistently. Even if he does have ADHD, consistent parenting is necessary for decent behavior.
The fact that he behaves in school points to a parenting issue as well. He clearly can follow rules and behave when he has consequences for misbehavior. When ADHD is diagnosed, they compare checklists of behavior from home and school - in this case, the doctor would probably not prescribe but suggest learning better parenting skills.
I agree. My DH has often
I agree. My DH has often commented that he thinks SS9 has ADHD or something like that because of his behavior at times. But, when they've asked the pediatrician about it, she's told them that since he makes excellent grades in school and doesn't get behavior reports (other than occasional talking), that he doesn't have ADHD. He can control himself. He just doesn't with his parents.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. I completely agree with you. It has been a bit of a learning curve for my with my own child but her Dad and I know exactly what the diagnosis is and how to change our parenting style to work with her. I think my boyfriend know that there is an issue....but maybe doesn't know what to do. I did acually have a bit of a moment with him last night. Just fed up and tired. I told him that he lets his younger son play him like a puppet and that he is easily manipulated by him. I think things kinda came to a head and he understands things from my perspective....
I completely agree with you!!
I completely agree with you!!
Go for medical help
Get SS checked out. Let them guide you.
But the bigger issue is your SO is the real problem. He's a bad parent. Letting this go on is no good for SS, and his family.
UPDATE----
So I finally had a talk with my BF. We recently purchased a family dog that we agreed would stay at his place the majority of the time (he is home more than I am). His youngest son has been telling my Daughter that it is not her dog and often takes the dog from her when she is playing with it. She has only seen the dog a couple times since we purchased it at the beginning of December. His son sees the dog often and gets alot of one-on-one time with her. I'm annoyed at his behaviour as my Daughter has asked if we can have our own dog....I'm guessing because his son is such a dog hog and has made her feel as if the dog is his.
I brought it up and he got very defensive and upset about it. I can see that trying to talk to him about his kids, more specifically his youngest, is going to turn into an argument every time. I'm very bothered by the fact that I don't feel like I can talk to him about any issued that may arise and to me, communication is a huge deal. Its a deal breaker! If the tables were turned and there was an issue with my Daughter's behaviour, I would want to know right away so that I could be proactive and deal with it! Instead I have to just deal with bad behaviour because I have to keep my mouth shut and deal with the chaos that is his youngest.
Things have been strained the last couple of weeks because of this. I feel like he will always defend his son, no matter what the behaviour is. I love him very much...but I honestly don't know what to do....
If the two of you can't sit
If the two of you can't sit down and discuss problems without someone getting defensive and shutting the other down, then this is a problem that's not just going to continue, but get worse.
Have you tried sitting down with him and talking about the overall issue? In other words, "Honey, I think in this relationship we need to be able to discuss our kids and any problems that come up and then work through them together. What do you think is the most productive way to do that?" Then hear what he has to say. If he's open to it and has some good insights (maybe your approach comes across to him as too forceful/negative and just a change in tone could make it go over better -- sometimes tone is everything, which I've learned), great. If he gets defensive and upset then you have a pretty good answer there. He will not be receptive. This will (likely) not improve.
I feel like I've tried to
I feel like I've tried to come across as calm, but have maybe said some things that he didn't like. He made it very clear to me that he is very protective of his kids (which I have learned has been helicoptering...) and that he has a soft spot in his heart for his youngest. To me, that has been proven by what he lets him get away with in comparison to his oldest. There aren't house rules, there are individual rules.
I can definitely try to sit down with him again about working together....but maybe you're right, if it turns ugly, I have my answer.
Thank you for your advice!
Time for a Week On/Week Off
Time for a Week On/Week Off schedule for the dog to flip flop between the two households. That resolves the issue and takes the discussion about his son's dog related behavior off of the table. Unless the SS is just an ass any time your DD is at your partner's home. In which case the behaviors need to be confronted in real time whether daddy wants to deal with it or not.
Establish behavioral standards for the kids regardless of which home they are in. And enforce those standards. Remove the variables and things get comparably easy.
Good luck.
Thank you for your input! I
Thank you for your input! I actually told DH that maybe her and I should spend less time there because his youngest seems to act up the most when we're around....
In what way is it a family
In what way is it a family dog if it lives at his house? If you split up, who would get the dog? Would it be you if your BF is at home more than you?
Do you think the kids might have seen something that you really didn't want to see? Ie that the dog is your BF's dog rather than yours and your daughter's...?
Your SS might be annoying, but the situation with the dog sounds like normal bickering between children who are having to get used to spending a lot of time with other kids that they might not have chosen as friends and who they might not feel they have anything in common with. Your SS thinks it's his dog because it lives with him and he's annoyed that this girl who his dad says he has to like keeps saying it's her dog. From your daughter's point of view her mum has told her it's her dog and this other boy who she has to get on with but who her mother doesn't like is saying it's his.
Maybe I totally got that wrong and apologies if I have but these are the questions that your situation raises for me.
Time for two dogs I think.
Time for two dogs I think.
A hers and his dog one at his house and one at hers.