College Tuition and wedding help for SS who won’t talk to me
I have a 23 yo SS who has spent the past 5 years bouncing around colleges that we help pay for. He has a year left of online school and decided to get engaged to his girlfriend on the east coast. They asked us to pay for the rehearsal dinner, alcohol and honeymoon. Keep in mind we still have a year of tuition to pay for. We said we could contribute $2500. A month after, he moved in with us in AZ. He sleeps til 10, works maybe 20 hours and is contributing 0 to his wedding and is really disrespectful with our stuff. Early Dec. I got angry and blew up. Nothing major but I said a few minor things I regret. He picked up his stuff and moved out. He blew us off for Christmas and it really upset my DH and 13 yo BD. My DH is an alcoholic and relapsed partially bc he was really upset.I made the mistake of txting the SS saying that I wished he didn't blow us off and treat his Dad that way bc now this happened and maybe he should know his actions impact others. Not my finest moment. I have put 17 years into this kid and have been an awesome step mom, 1 small fight and all of a sudden I'm cut out?. He made an effort and had lunch with DH and apologozed but refuses to talk to me. I feel like he is just punishing me. Now he asked DH for $3600 for tuition the day it's due. I have always handled helping him with college related stuff and moving money or finding money to pay. I think my DH is ok in saying the SS needs to talk to me about this before shelling out that much money. He pays for 0 for college, phone, car and car insurance. It won't hurt him to have a little skin in the game. Right? Or am I being evil making it so we won't pay until SS bothers to talk to me? Please help. Need advice.
Do you and your husband have
Do you and your husband have joint finances, such that part of this money is yours? I would not permit money that is mine or partly mine to be paid for skid's tuition until he talked to me, nor would I do the money moves for DH if it the funds were all his. Your husband is doing his kid a disservice by not requiring more of him.
And he seriously asked you to pay for his honeymoon? I have no issue with parents helping with weddings. My father paid for my wedding reception in its entirety. But DH and I bought our own rings, bought/rented the wedding clothes for ourselves and the SDs, and paid for our honeymoon. There are certain things I'd think a couple would expect to handle themselves, and a honeymoon is one of them. If you can't afford it, then you wait until you can to go.
Crazy right!? The SS always
Crazy right!? The SS always says I treat my 13 yo daughter differently but she's going to pay for part of college herself and have a job so he wants fair, ok well we'll be fair in all ways not just the fun stuff.
Of course you treat your 13
Of course you treat your 13 yo differently. You have a biological bond with your biological children. It's physically impossible to recreate that bond with a stepkid. He wants you to treat him as a son but he doesn't want to treat you as a mother.
If I had to guess, I'd bet your buttons have been pushed ALOT by your SS. He's not dealing with his own issues, he pushes yours, you explode. This is a very common Skid-Stepmom dynamic. Forgive yourself.
Since he's now refusing to talk to you at all, do not move money around for him. His father and mother, grandparents, fiance, etc can do that for him. Disengage from parenting responsibilies for him. He has plenty of people to take care of him - including himself - he's an adult. He can take on a student loan if he has to.
Your bio child is 13. You're going to need the emotional space to raise her during her teen years. Staying in the crazy cycle with the SS will rob you of that.
Your DH's relapse has
Your DH's relapse has absolutely nothing to do with anything but his own bad choices.
Now for your SS. Time for continued support to be directly tied to his behaviors. If he is an ass... he gets no $.
This needs to come from you since daddy seems uncapable of dealing as an adult with his adult son.
In my dated understanding the Groom's family is responsible for the rehearsal dinner, the Tuxedos for the wedding party. If they participate at all. No participation puts the bill on the Groom and Bride.
In the case of your SS, I would not be paying for anything to do with his wedding and for damned sure not the honeymoon. That is his repsonsibility to his bride.
IMHO of course.
I know...
Yeah, I know, those are the DH's choices. It just sucks because SS knows the situation and knew it would hurt us to bail on Christmas. He's so worried about sticking it to me that he loses sight of how it hurts his Dad and sister. I usually take the high road but had a moment of self pity and anger when I sent him that text.
The request for a honeymoon is banannas. Especially since he wants Tahiti and because the DH and I just went on our first vacation alone in 14 years.
LOL, forgot to add they are
LOL, forgot to add they are already getting $30,000 from the bride's parents and let me tell ya, we are not rich people.
Ahhh yep it is definitely
Ahhh yep it is definitely time to slam that wallet shut on grown man baby!! They already have $30,000 yet are asking for more from you both? Sheesh...that's pretty rude and all the while he gets to ignore you, leave you with an unpaid tuition bill and disrespect your things? No - just no.
You should not have blamed SS
You should not have blamed SS for DH's relapse - that was totally on your DH. However, why is a 23 yr old man allowed to behave like a 16 yr old? Why in heaven's name does DH not force him to take some financial responsibility for himself. There's nothing worse than a gigantic cuckoo in their mid 20s.
People get married and move out to show they have matured
And are financially independent.
this twit of a ss decided to get engaged, with no stable job, no savings or money, no home and he wants daddy & stepmum to pay fully for his college education, wedding and honeymoon?? Bahahahaha!!! Fat chance this should be happening and he should get stuffed and prove he is a grown up.
I'm with the "slam the wallet
I'm with the "slam the wallet" shut people. Time for your SS to grow up and take responsibility for himself. My DH would have done it long ago in terms of tuition.
If the kid is within a year of graduating
if it were up to me, I would recommend to DH he pay the tuition. No reason to pay for the wedding.
I also think if DH demands an apology, even if you get it, they will cut you after the wedding.
How many years would you pay
How many years would you pay tuition for a kid? He's already at 5 years in undergraduate.
Well, when you have Mom, SD,
Well, when you have Mom, SD, Dad and SM footing the bill why would you focus on one degree and not bounce around, lol. Also ticked that more thought hasn't been put in on transfer credits or doing some credits at community college. It's hard because Mom and SD never say no, so we've always been made out to look like the bad guys. We should have put the kabosh on worrying about this long ago.
I was on the 11yr undergrad
I was on the 11yr undergrad plan. My parents paid for years 1 & 2 and helped significantly with years 10 & 11. I paid for years 3-9 out of pocket and took loans to cover the gaps between my parents help and the total costs in years 10 & 11. I worked for years 3-11.
I would say that after 5 years of undergrad that it all needs to go on the shoulders of SS.
My journey was through 6 different colleges or universities across 7 different majors until I finished my BSEE. I finished my undergrad with more than 200 semester hours of credit. Transferring and changing majors is extremely expensive.
That's really great you
That's really great you finished though!
Thanks.
Thanks.
I did start and run a company for 5 of those years so it wasn't all fun and games.
Well worth the time and effort for sure.
I’m curious...
where is he bio mum in all this?? She is more responsible for her sons college tuition, wedding expenses and honeymoon than you should be. I mean this is her idiot entitled child!!
We split it all with her.
We split it all with her. These figures are our half. She's actually great and we get along. She has other kids and I feel she tries extra hard to give my SS everything he has ever wanted to make up for getting divorced. I don't agree with it, but I get it. She's really doing what she thinks is right.
I just have to say, why did I
I just have to say, why did I wait years to come to this forum. It is so nice to talk to people that can relate! I have no friends that are step moms.
So glad you've found us
So glad you've found us
This is just crazy on top of
This is just crazy on top of crazy with a scoop of crazy flavored ice cream a la mode. Talk about rewarding bad behavior.
OP, how are you and your H fixed for retirement? Are your accounts fully funded? What about your BD's college fund? Because this should be your priority, not shoveling good money into a black hole of entitlement.
KIDS need support; ADULTS pay their own way. So which is he? If this man baby is old enough to marry, he's old enough to manage his own finances and pay for his own wedding. It's pathetic that he isn't even working enough to have any skin in the game. How the heck did he even afford a ring? Nevermind, I bet mommee paid for it.
No way should your SS be able to cut you out and still receive marital funds. Your DH needs to stand up for your marriage and have a Come to Jesus with his ADULT son.
For the ring we let him cash
For the ring we let him cash in savings bonds for the ring, which we didn't realize until after promising, didn't mature for several years, so we gave him that money and will hang onto the bonds. I'm beginning to think we're part of creating this bad behavior because we also enable.
Amazing points you make on retirement and BD's college. I never thought about that.
"I'm beginning to think we're
"I'm beginning to think we're part of creating this bad behavior because we also enable."
I think you've identified a large part of the problem. Now it's time to sit down with your DH to draw some hard limits and ways to start treating his son like the adult he is. And please consider meeting with a financial counselor to develop a retirement strategy. You don't honestly know how much you can afford to help skid or bio until you do.
You dont owe ss anything
If he can be a brat he can make his own way.