Hi all, first post here. I’m at my wits end and just need insight from people who understand my position. Here’s some background on our situation. I met DH 8 years ago, I was a teacher at his kids preschool. He was already well into the divorce process. His ex started an emotional affair when their son (my SS) was 10 months old and their daughter (my SD) was 31 months. DH and I started dating and I met the kids just before moving in when they were 3 and 4.5. DH had full custody because ex moved to a different area an hour away, but she moved back to our area (temporarily) and he gave her half-custody, so to this day we do a week on and a week off. She has since moved 30 minutes away so the kids are in the car a lot on her weeks because they go to school in our district. 

When I first met the kids and for the first few years, I had fun playing house (hah, oh the naïveté). Yes there were definitely hard times, but it had mostly to do with catching these kids up as far as life skills. DH and I would fight about the kids, I wanting time for just my husband and I on vacations, house rules, etc. We would also fight about issues with his ex, she does parent the kids, no rules/structure/no teaching of life skills and how to be responsible. You know, as far as parenting my general philosophy is “to each their own,” but when it directly impacts me and my life I have to step up (hah, no pun intended) and try to do something. Therefore, I’m always in correction mode and I come off as really strict. My family “jokes” and calls me the General. I’ve tried to find balance and ignore a lot, but the things I am teaching them and telling them to do are things that I expect from anyone who lives in my household.

DH and I had a son in 2017; the light of my life, boys and their mamas am I right? Our son has a good relationship with his older siblings and I try to not intervene in their playing unless necessary. SS and SD act so victimized if I remind them of safe and fun play habits (no the baby can’t be given the fruit pouch top, it’s a choking hazard) and DH is no help. Our son is now 2.5 and I’m lucky enough to take a few years off from teaching to stay home with him. Unfortunately things have deteriorated with the stepkids. SS is now 10 and the “coolest” kid who has ALL the latest technology with no rules over at BioMoms. SD is 12 and is just a mess, doesn’t care anything about her appearance, walks slumped over, is a slob, mumbles, etc. Writing this, I hear how awful this may sound, but I just don’t understand a child who isn’t happy and perky. Again, naiveté on my part, I’m sure. She’s always been a tomboy, but has really stepped it up and BioMom has allowed this general appearance of not caring. BioMom also gave her a brand new iPhone for her birthday with zero rules and we found inappropriate stuff all over it recently, drugs, bad choices, etc. Had a talk with SD about expectations/safety and told BioMom. BioMom took away all technology for SD while at her house. DH allows it at our house because Santa brought her a new iPad, but he did give her rules (and by he, I mean I told him the rules to give her). 

I am very torn. I get that these kids are hurt and messed up because BioMom left them at a young and vulnerable age. I get that I “knew what I was getting into.” Blah blah blah. I guess I get DH guilt. Did I mention he does nothing to parent them? Any rules, explanations, structure, etc. comes directly from me. He resented his Dad for being strict and for “lectures.” Because parenting=strict, right? To top it off, DH gets bent out of shape because I’m “too hard on the kids” and they’re “afraid” of me. Example: this morning DS is making lunch, I remind them every morning to wipes the crumbs and lunchbox germs off the counter. He finishes making lunch and moves on to other things. I remind him to wipe off counter. I also remind him to wear a coat to school, because you know, it’s January. After taking SS to the bus, DH tells me I was “out for blood” this morning and SS was really upset. Seriously, his words. He always thinks the worst of me and like I’m out to get his kids. No, I’m just trying to raise two kids who live in my house half the time and I want to make it a pleasant home. 

I feel like I’m rambling, I appreciate anyone who’s bearing with me. I guess my main problem is this. I would love to just throw my hands up, limit interaction with SS and SD except for household things. I would love to let them be “who they are” aka what BioMom has created and continues to mold. SD is in middle school this year and has gotten in with a bad crowd and is making lifestyle choices that DH and I do not agree with. How am I supposed to manage this and have my own child? These children come into our home and live a lifestyle that I personally wouldn’t allow for my own kids. From their clothing, to their expectations for technology and what they should have to do or not (chores, household rules like push your chair in). I’m frustrated beyond words and get zero support from my husband. He either doesn’t care so he doesn’t support my parenting or he is checked out doing his own stuff and doesn’t “notice.” I would love to disengage, but I have my own son to worry about. I know how strong an older siblings’ influence is and I’m worried for the future. And he absolutely adores his older siblings. I realize the way I feel and possibly entire environment is toxic. Please help.