My family dislikes my stepkids
My sister doesn't like my stepkids. I have a very large and close knit family...I live with my boyfriend of 3 years and his 2 children (easier to say stepkids than my boyfriend's kids every time). I moved to the same city as my sister 3.5 years ago and met met boyfriend shortly after. My sister has a soon to be 12 year old son. My sister recently told me that I am a "bad aunt because I don't do enough things alone," with my nephew. She preceded to tell me that neither she nor my nephew like my stepkids, and she doesn't want to make her son be around kids he doesn't like. I haven't spent time alone with my sister and nephew since she said this. She never apologized but tried to tell me she didn't mean it (which she did, I could tell from the first time she met them that she didn't like and them. now she's verbalized it to confirm what I already knew). She has told me numerous times that "people who don't share our blood aren't our family." But I just don't understand where she's coming from. Our own parents divorced when I was 3 and she was 9. We grew up in blended families.
My stepkids are well behaved, loving kids. The 10 year old has Asperger's and is pretty easy to be around. My nephew doesnt like that my step son talks about rocks so much (which is pretty typical of people with Asperger's to get extremely involved with their interests....his happens to be rocks and geology). The 7 year old is a boy with long hair who likes to wear dresses when he plays and has Barbie's. These are the reasons my sister and nephew dislike my stepkids. IMO, it's okay for them not like my stepkids but it's NOT okay for them to be rude and disrespectful toward them. I get so frustrated that they judge these kids so much....they are KIDS. They are learning and imo, my nephew should learn to be around people he dislikes and to respect people he dislikes. He doesn't have to like them, but he needs to learn to work and play with people who might not be his favorite people because that's a part of life.
Anyway, my sister recently invited only me to my nephew's birthday party. She wants me to leave my stepkids at home. It breaks my heart that this is happening. Not just for my stepkids, but for the strain on my relationship with my sister that used to be a very good and close relationship. She accuses me of choosing , "people who aren't even real family members," over herself and my nephew. I refuse to make my step kids less than and expose them to people who will knowingly put them down.
I also haven't told my boyfriend about any of this. I know it would hurt him to know this. On one hand, I want him to know. So that he understands why none of us will attend my nephew's birthday party or my sister's game nights. He does ask and I just tell him that I don't feel like hanging out with my sister. I don't want to hurt him by telling him about any of this and I know it would hurt him. At the same time, I feel like I'm keeping a secret from him and I hate it.
Wow, your sister is something
Wow, your sister is something, isn't she?
It might bode well for her to teach her kid about tolerance and diversity....wait, maybe she better learn about those things herself, first.
You are probably going to have to tell your BF the truth, at some point.
She has told me numerous times that "people who don't share our blood aren't our family."
This ^^^ is really sad, as there are people who "don't share my blood" that I consider to be more my family than some that do, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on knowing them because of such a narrow mindset.
Yes, it's his birthday and I guess he should be able to invite who he wants, but your sister is certainly not teaching him any manners, inviting you but expecting you to leave your family at home.
I'm sorry that this is causing a rift between you and your sister.
I completely agree with you.
I completely agree with you. I have so many people in my life that are not blood relative and my life is richer because of those people. My sister recently stopped being friends with someone because they started going to church (my sister is atheist). I am not the most religious person, but I would never stop being friends with someone because they decided to go to church. As long as they are happy with it, it affects them in a positive way, and isn't detrimental to anyone in their family, then I'm happy for them....my sister, apparently does not share that sentiment. I think this is all hard for her because about 12 years ago (the last time I lived near her), when my nephew was born, I was a young full time college student. My employment at the time was helping to take care of my nephew while my sister and BIL worked. Then I moved for years, graduated college, became an independent, full time employed, responsible, functioning adult and then moved back to be near my family again. When I returned, I think she was expecting things to be the same as before where I would be making my nephew dinner at her house 5 nights a week. She wasnt planning on me getting a family of my own, so she may feel frustrated. But honestly, I have invited my nephew to do things 100 times since ive returned and he always says no. Same with my sister. Even if I just invite her to go shopping or get a cup of coffee at a cafe, her answer has been no sonce the day I returned. So, im at a loss with her.
Your sister is way out of
Your sister is way out of line on this IMHO.
My BIL1's wife was all wrapped around the axle over a similar issue. BIL2 at the time had a long term girlfriend. BIL1s wife would get all bitchy when BIL2 brought his GF to family events and gatherings. Everyone would be all uncomfortable about it so ... I confronted it. BIL1 called a family meeting to address family issues. My DW was visiting my ILs at that time and I was overseas. So, I made a dictate that I was in but that I had to be the facilitator of the meeting. I sent out rules via email to everyone.
- No rehashing of past issues.
- No attacking anyone else in the meeting.
- No attempts to shut people down who did not agree would be tolerated.
- Anyone who disagrees has to speak calmly and respectfully with the other side of the disagreement.
- Everyone has to be respectful of each other.
And off we went.
On the evening of he meeting I called in from overseas. BIL2 and his GF arrived just as the meeting started. BIL1's bovine bride immediately attacked the GF verbally and announced that if she was going to be included that BIL1 and his wife would leave. Since they were the ones who called the meeting, I told them to leave and not to let the doorknob hit them on the ass on the way out. They harrumphed and sat back down. Sadly the GF went out to the car and waited on BIL2 until the meeting was over.
For years BIL1's bovine bride manupulated, intimidated, and controlled the rest of the SpermLand resident family. My wife nor I tolerated her shit and would smack her on the nose (figuratively) when she pulled her shit when we were araound.
That family meeting was their first attempt to engage with the rest of the IL clan for about 3 years. Their withdrawal was due to my DW finally having enough and calling them both out on their manipulative crap. That conversation was a blood bath and they withdrew.
Though the "family" meeting was far from a touchy feely group hug, it was the beginning of a continuing improvement in the IL clan interface and relationship. We still are poised for BIL1's wife to pull her historical shit and will never trust her but she seems to have calmed way down.
BIL2 and that GF married a few years later and have a 2yo daughter. BIL1's wife has remained interestingly heavily involved with that niece. And she treats BIL2's now wife as her BFF. She really has no friends outside of the IL clan and her own family. Even her elder sister, who graduated from HS with my DW, keeps her at arms length.
I would suggest that you start confronting your sisters toxic crap. If you end up marrying this man and the Skids become "real" family your sister is going to look like an idiot and you should bare her ass for it.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thank you for sharing, that
Thank you for sharing, that was helpful. Interested in a facilitator position for my family meeting? Jk
My sister will only text me these things. She will never say them to my face. She would not agree to a meeting. I told that I am very sad to not be attending my nephew's bday party because of all of this, but I can't agree to her terms. I don't want to be in the position where I have to choose this and she can make a choice to change the outcome.
She asked me not to tell anybody in my family about any of this. Then she told all that I am refusing to go to my nephew's bday party and she doesnt know why. She left.out the part about the ultimatum and telling me how much she dislikes the children. I have it all on text messages though....now I just have to figure out what do from here. Drama *stop*
Ooohhhhh. Hell no.
Ooohhhhh. Hell no.
She begged for you not to say anything to anyone in the family and then pulled her little miss innocent blame you bullshit?
Time to take the gloves off. Forward the text conversation to everyone on the invite list and tell them that you would love to be there but Sis's manipulative ultimatum is not acceptable to you and that is the only reason why you will not be there.
Bare her ass!
Grrrrrrrr!
My guess is that your sister
My guess is that your sister was hoping you'd be the single aunt who would focus your attention on your nephew. Well, too bad for her, life goes on.
My family doesn't particularly like my SS20 (mostly because of all the stuff he's done to DH due to parental alienation by his mother), but they would never say that to me, or tell me he can't come to family events.
Your sister needs to pull her
Your sister needs to pull her head out of her bum. Aunts have no obligations to take care of their siblings' spawn.