I can’t take adult stepson’s attitude to life any more
Hi, I’ve just joined and this is my first message. I have been with my DH for 15 years and since my SD was 8 and my SS was 6. My DH had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I was lucky in that they totally accepted me and enjoyed spending time with me (they live with their BM). There was and still is (I think) a healthy respect between us. Since my SS was 14 he totally went off the rails. He dropped out of school, didn’t take any of his exams and it has been on a downward spiral ever since. It has all been put down to mental health issues but nothing more specific than that. He treats his BM like a verbal punching bag and she has given up and takes it all. My DH and the BM don’t have a great relationship and communicate poorly. I have watched these events unfold over the years and decided to get involved as nothing was improving. I found the SS multiple jobs which lasted a couple of months max before these “mental health issues” made him give up. I’ve found him training courses. He gave up his medication a few years ago as apparently they didn’t help, but has replaced this with an addiction to cannabis as he thinks it calms him down. He expressed his desire to start a new life in Canada as “it’s a much better way of life and cannabis is legal”. I organised a 2 year work permit, my DH paid for his insurance, travel and funds to get him started. He has been there for 3 weeks and wants to give up and come home because “he’s never going to be happy anywhere because of his mental health”. I am now at the end of my tether because nothing is working, he blames his lack of responsibility on his mental health. I’ve told the BM that I won’t be funding his cannabis habit or supporting his acceptance of failure any more. I just want to remove myself from any further involvement because it is really affecting my state of mind. Is it wrong of me to say to the parents - over to you?
No, it's not wrong - he's
No, it's not wrong - he's their responsibility. In fact, I'd go so far as to tell DH that you do not want him to move back in with you - he can live with BM if she wants to rescue him.
Thanks. He has always lived
Thanks. He has always lived with his BM and would be returning back to stay with her. He has tried living with us but because we don’t accept all his BS he always runs back to his BM who never makes him take responsibility. I just wish the BM would stand up to him. She is clearly miserable and has been for a while. We’ve said that we will back her up if she tells him enough’s enough but I don’t think she’ll ever do it. She feels that she would be “giving up” on him if she does. What I can’t do any more is support her in enabling him to continue like this.
Yes, that's right - all you
Yes, that's right - all you can do is stop enabling him. So you and DH should probably sit down and talk about what that means for you and what you want to change.
My SS20 is living with BM and doing absolutely nothing with his life. He has unrealistic plans and doesn't take the steps needed to achieve any of them. He plays video games all day. He's totally in Failure to Launch mode and BM enables it 100%. Thankfully - my DH does not. The most we do is have him over to dinner every now and then, but DH does call him on his lack of effort.
Agreed Tog. Your situation
Agreed Tog. Your situation sounds similar. Luckily my DH agrees with my views but I haven’t yet had the conversation about how it’s affecting me. I don’t want to abandon the BM to a life of misery as my SS has 2 parents, but if they can’t agree on what to do with SS I don’t feel I have much choice.
But she's making a choice to
But she's making a choice to continue to enable him - and you guys are enabling her if you don't stand by your boundaries. She could choose differently - she's not doing him any favors. Most likely a lot of this meets HER needs too, to have him be dependent on her. I know that's the case for BM in our situation. She cultivated this dependency.
One. Make sure SS does not move in with you...NO
Two, SS needs mental help. He may never improve, you must stop doing crazy thing for SS. He's on his own. He is an adult he has to figure it out by himself.
Welcome to the site!
Speaking as someone who's had very serious mental health problems in the past, including a 17 yr addiction, I can say that it doesn't help anyone in such a situation to have zero expectations of them or to enable them to live a useless life. This lad needs to be told by his BM that he needs to accept treatment for whatever he is suffering from, NOT cannabis - and he needs to find an occupation - even if it is only a part time voluntary job to start with. If he doesn't want to abide by these requirements, that's fine, but he needs to find somewhere else to live.
Yes - the rescuing BM does
Yes - the rescuing BM does for this kid (and in my situation) is to meet her own needs, not his. He needs to be pushed to be independent and stop making excuses, but having a needy and sick kid makes these BMs feel like mother of the year- look how great a mother I am, I put up with anything for my kids.
If this BM is "miserable" with the situation, she needs to do something about it - and the OP and her DH can help by not rescuing BM and helping her rescue SS.
Tell him he stays in Canada
Tell him he stays in Canada for the entire three years. Cut him off. Give him no support.
End of problem.
I could have written this.
I could have written this. SS19 is in failure to launch mode to and blames all on his made up "mental health issues", i say made up as he was hospitalised due to calling suicide lines becasue he didn't want to work. Doctors say he has a ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) which is a new fancy name for a*&^% in my opinion.
First he blamed his mother calling her an unfit parent, he doens't want to live with her, i assume becasue she has some rules. He then blames his father for being over controlling, now he blames me becasue I don't like him and don't want him living with us. (Hes been living with us FT, very disrespectfull for 10 years, I am just fed up, he is an adult now , i do not have to take that and just ignore him which drives him mental because he is a narcissist.).
Father lets him do whatever, no consequences ever, no discipline either. constantly making excuses for his behaviour claiming that he has mental issues. Just a freak show really. DH and i are in therapy and even counseller telling him that he needs to change his parenting as bit as he is allowing this and puts me under the bus constantly, DH says that he is making changes,,., but unfortunatelly it's all smoke and mirorrs, nothing actually changes.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through something similar Justanother. It is so stressful and frustrating. Thanks everyone for your comments. Bit of an update for you - I put all my thoughts in to a letter to both DH and BM but made sure it was constructive rather than just having a go. However I was clear on my opinions, what I thought should happen from now on, what had to change and that I wasn’t prepared to be involved in enabling SS to carry on like this any more. I arranged to meet them both last night, gave them both a copy of the letter and went for a walk round the block whilst they read it. It was difficult to do but i’ve got to the point now that I don’t care if they like it or not. On my return I was amazed to find them both chatting and they said that they agreed with most of what I said and that things have to change. What they do now is up to them, but they know where I stand. Although I don’t expect things to be solved overnight I am confident that it has given them a reality check. I am so relieved that i’ve said my piece, can’t do any more than that. I will no longer be involving myself in anything to do with my SS until theses changes are made.
Follow up with a call to the
Follow up with a call to the locksmith to rekey the locks. Make sure SS does not get a new key.
End of problem.