Stepson had Reactive Attachment Disorder- When Is enough...enough?
Hello all. I am trying to determine when enough is enough? I married a very kind woman over 4 years ago. She has been married trwice prior and I was once for 23 years. I have 5very successful adult children. My daughter and grandson live with us temporily until she starts her duty as a Air Force pilot. Since I met my wife my SS has been nothing but absolute trouble. He was adopted by her at birth and she loved and nurtured him since she got him at birth BUT he horrible he is currently 14. He recently was diagnosed with Reactrive Attachment Disorder. My kids have welcomed into our big tight family and all he has done is stole from them and us. His father has him every other weekend so I have him the majority of the time. His father does not like him and in times of trouble I have reached out to his father to take him a day early and he said no way....not without a court order. He hates the kid and blames him for ruining their marriage. So some background. I am a devoted loving father and I am very tight with my kids. I was very strict and expcted alought from them and it has paid off.I have tried like hell to make this young man respect his mom and just be somewhat normal. This an example of what has been happening the last three years. These are just a few examples.
- Family pet disappeared.
- He has zero friends.
- The school calls daily and they cant handle him. He refuses to submit to anything they say.
- He yells at his mom and refuses to do what she says. She is very nice. I defend her to the hilt but I just land up hating him the more this goes on.
- He steals from our neighbors. He had one firend and he stole $400 in cash and his gold coins. The kids father came over furious and said how could he do that we thought was our sons friend.
- He got kicked out elementary school so I paid $50,000 to send him to a Teen Challenge to help him and he got klicked out that a year later. HIS father did not pay ONE dime.
- His borther locks himself in a room because (adopted as well....very nice boy) because he steals his stuff and badgers him. He pulled knife on him and he called the cops and they took him away for the night to do a psych eval.
- He went through all my daughters stuff and stole everyhting of value including her graduation pendant...the most important thing she owns. Its pure gold and woth $1000.00. His mom found it in his room hidden. I cant leave anything out or it will be stolen.
- I put locks on all the doors and cameras.
- AND finally the last straw. Literally a week after he stole from daughter he got into my room and stole a medical device and my Gold watch and some of his moms items. He wnet drawer through drawer in our room. I havew no idea how he got in because I have compniation locks on all bedroom doors.
So here is my question....If I would have done that as a teenager and/or my bio kids done that I would have been punished accodingly. My family was very strict so I would have probalby been grounded for at least a month and held to account. She grounded him for a week ands is upset with me because I told her I dont want to see him or be around him until I have cooled off and I do not think her punishment is not even close to what I would have done to my kids. She is worried about his feelings and he was recently diagnosed with reactive attachemnt disorder.
I am starting to hate ther kid. I am a very hard worker and own a business and I hate going home, Ifeel like I live in a prison colony in my own home. My wife is upset because i cant and wont talk to him because I have nothing good to say. I told her in time when I am ready I will hang out with him but for now I dont want to see his face. So I go hang out in my bedroom in my bling house I pay for and watch basketball. I would love a mothers perspective here but quite frankly I am about ready to move on and live my life without this kid. I just dont know what to do??? I feel like im being used. Am I being unresaonable?
Call the police and have this
Call the police and have this toxic thief hauled off in hand cuffs. Since DW and you are struggling to handle him, get the courts involved. If he keeps this thieving crap up.... keep pressing charges until the courts send him to a residential school.
We have friends who have adopted two boys. Their eldest has had a ton of legal issues and was sent to a residential state school. Ultimately our friends terminated their adoption of the kid and returned him to ward of the state status.
Your Skid's mom would be well advised to consider terminating her parental status of this criminal delinquent.
Whatever you do, do not tolerate this POS kid to ruin your own family.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
You have tried. And tried
You have tried. And tried some more. The child is bad, but mom isn't helping.
Leave her.
It sounds like he really
It sounds like he really needs some kind of intensive program, whether it is reform/military school, psychiatric commitment, youth challenge, or whatever. Your wife can't deal with him and his iwn dad doesn't want him. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around him.
I understand how you feel. My SO's son has hit and kicked me, has strangled a much younger child in my family when he came to dinner at my parents house, and has recently made a false allegation of child abuse that had CPS come to the house (i know it was false because i was there.) I can't even look at him right now. A parent has unconditional love but without that, how can anyone be expected to tolerate such abuse?
I think you may have to tell your wife you can't live like this. The kid needs more help than she or his father can give him. With his disorder and diagnosis along with his behaviors, could he be committed via his psychiatrist? If not, getting the law involved may be your only option.
Welcome to the site!
Really, this boy is 14 yrs old - it will be very difficult or impossible to fix him now - 10 yrs ago it might have been possible. I don't think I could live your life at all - I would feel so resentful that when I was home I was virtually a prisoner in my own bedroom. I'd be making exit plans if I were you.
This is Beyond Your Pay Grade.
This boy is hardbroke, damaged before your wife even got him. How sad. And I can't believe she and her ex are subjecting their other minor son to this cr@p. Don't they understand or care about the damage this is doing to him??
Around StepTalk you'll read the phase "Love is not enough". Ironic, considering you made your post on Valentine's Day, but also very true. Some circumstances cause so much damage and stress that couples just can't survive it. Death of a child comes to mind; accusations of molestation - even if the child admits to lying, people often can't get past it; and having a child with a profound disability, desease, or mental illness.
I don't think any reasonable person would want to live as you are, and I have to wonder why you married into this mess in the first place. You didn't sign up to be victimized repeatedly, or to subsidize a teen terrorist.
Only you know if you've had enough, but as I see it you have three options: divorce, stay married but live apart, or your wife finds some sort of therapeutic facility for her son.
It's pretty odd to have RAD
It's pretty odd to have RAD if she's had him since birth - since it's caused by poor attachment to a parent, which usually happens because of neglect/abuse or changes in care from birth to 2 or so. I'm in the child mental health field, so my guess would be either I'm missing some info or it's not RAD. BUT, he likely has genetic issues from his birth parents that are shining through. Honestly, what he's doing sounds more like Conduct Disorder to me - fighting, stealing, hurting people. Kids with RAD are dysregulated, have meltdowns, poor social attachments, but the stealing, harming animals, etc is more Conduct Disorder.
This issue is hard to deal with and your wife's permissive parenting won't help. Does he have good support from therapists/psychiatrist and other services in your community? He may need some kind of residential treatment but for sure you guys need a lot of support to maintain him in the home. And while I don't think being punitive with him is the answer per se, feeling guilty and letting him get away with stuff isn't either. The police should be involved for every theft and probation services should be sought if possible in your area. Get the juvenile justice system involved.
Ultimately, you are under no obligation to let your life be taken over by this kid's issues and no one would fault you for divorcing or living in a separate residence until the child is out of the home. Especially if she's going to treat him with guilt when he needs structure.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing about the RAD and the at-birth adoption. Probably a misdiagnosis unless something happened after the adoption. Whatever the label, though, something is wrong with this kid. It's sad, it probably has to do with a combo of genetics and upbringing that is not the kid's fault. BUT. Whatever the cause, it does not matter. The actions of this kid violate the rights of those around him and may even put them in danger. Prisons are full of people with bad childhoods and inherited trauma, but I doubt knkwing that makes their victims feel any better.
Some people don't like to
Some people don't like to diagnose Conduct Disorder because it feels like a hopeless "criminal" label for a kid, but the truth is, some kids are on a path to bad crimes and a life in prison and you can see it at 14. Proper treatment is essential, and for a kid like this, pity isn't the right approach. He's already victimizing people and needs to be held accountable.
It does sound like classic CD
It does sound like classic CD. I feel for poor OP whose wife is wondering why he doesn't want to "hang out" with the kid. Nobody wants to be around people who constantly push their boundaries and violate their rights.
And she's just feeding the
And she's just feeding the kid's narcissism and teaching him how to manipulate by letting him use excuses for his behavior.
Yep. Best case, they find the
Yep. Best case, they find the kid some intensive psychiatric help or some type of residential school. It doesn't sound like the mom is willing to do that. It might be a long road that ends in them visiting him in prison, but only after years of legal bills, battles, and god knows what else.
All of this is why I
All of this is why I suggested above it is time to end the relationship.
OP has already thrown $50k+ down this black hole, on top of being miserable at home. I am going to assume, with a child like this, the wife does not have a successful career. OP is likely supporting his wife and her children.
LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH! (Honestly, at this point, I would be so resentful living like this that there would be little left.)
OP, stop wasting your life and leave this relationship. Get out before your wife can get alimony. Get out before you waste more money (on treatment your wife doesn't follow through with, legal bills, supporting those that do not support you!).
No one would
No one would blame you for getting out. His own father doesn't like him and apparently wishes he had never adopted him. Frankly who can blame him??? It does seem like he has real reason to regret it. This kid seems to destroy everything and everyone he comes into contact with and the only person still putting up with him is his mother. From what you have said, it is only a matter of time before she gives up too. He needs inpatient treatment somewhere before he commits an offense that gets him incarceration.
Or she continues to enable
Or she continues to enable him well into adulthood, letting him live off her, steal from her and possibly harm or kill her. That happens often too, with parents who can't set appropriate limits when kids are like this at a young age.
Syndrome of the month to
Syndrome of the month to justify failed parenting is far more likely than a legitimate condition.
You cant fix this kid or his mother.
And no. You are not being unreasonable.