Not sure if Skids can change their spots.  Perhaps just an alternate justification for their actions.  No one can blame you for not wanting to go visit SD.  But - DH needs to know it's all about what what is good for you and the marriage now.   How do you feel about the possibility that BM will also be going?

I don't know, I am curious about this myself, Spawn has reached out to DH after five years so I will be curious to see what comes of that.

I hope your DH does get invited so that he can at least meet his grandchild, and you could go have a nice spacation.  

Nope, spots tend to be a permanent condition.  SD may just be parading the new baby and fishing for amazing mom points from DH's family as she parades the baby to her BM and that part of her family.

Depends what day I catch them on. Like my youngest SS. He's not much for talking about school or saying hi and bye, and he postures like a feral peacock idiot wherever he goes. But.... If I go and watch him play his game and ask questions pertaining to the game.  He opens up more. Question is, do I feel like being a freaking saint just to have a conversation after being snubbed all day?

No. She hasn't changed her spots. If anything, she now has the "BM" gene that makes her double check her local resources for her new spawn. Double the family, double the gifts; keep lines of communication open equals keeping opportunities (like staying abroad with paternal family for free while visiting maternal family also abroad) wide open. She hasn't told your DH because she doesn't want him to offer to tag along bc that would make playing the estranged daughter while he's sitting there a lot harder. 

When my OSD gave birth, she expected everyone to bow to her as if she had achieved something no one else had ever done.  The sainted SD now had royal spawn. Then she started complaining that her baby was getting more attention than her.

It doesn't take long for some skids to realize they have the perfect weapon for manipulation.......they can withhold their kids from the grandparents if they don't get what they want.  

I would not suggest anything to your SO; let him sort it out. I used to make suggestions and then I would come to resent it. So I stay out of it, and everything is peaceful now.  I am far down the disengagement route now and I love it.

You will know in time if your SD has softened. But my hunch is she is going to visit your SO's family for a gift grab, to show off, and to avoid you.

I had a dream last night that one of my SO's kids had changed. The dream literally was that we all ate breakfast without drama. He then put his bowl in the sink and went to play. 

A little off topic i know. It just amazes me how much stepparents have to put up with and how little it would take to make life tolerable. And a drama-free breakfast is probably, in fact, too much to ask. 

No, I do not think so, in my experience with narc SD20, she does not change. However, her circumstances change, which affects her behavior, like when she has found a new person to get supply from and freeload off, then she is not so perpetually present in our home. 

I think the only way a person can change is if they are motivated by having to face the negative consequences of their personalities alone over time. I still think it is like hoping for a miracle, though.

at her baby. I mean why now does she suddenly care about this aunt if she basically said eff iff to them. Coming there with husband and child in tow doesn’t erase the decades or years of shitty years she treated them and ended contact

Abuse can range from the improper use of something up to regularly treating a person or animal with cruelty or violence.  Even looking at the lowest form of abuse, which is the improper use of something, the way I look at it is, if you’ve been abused by someone for years, you’ve been “improperly used” as a scapegoat for years, let’s say, if that person a time or two or even 10 times suddenly starts using you correctly (they start being polite, treating you as dad’s wife), what would be evident to make you think that from that point on, you’d be properly used all the time in the future?

Answer: Absolutely nothing would.  And, did this person apologize, have a come to Jesus moment, let both you and your DH know they were in the wrong, AND let you know they were going to make amends for it?  Probably not, and even if they did, what is your incentive to chance going on that roller coaster ride again?  The parenteral unconditional love is not there.  You may have had much one-sided love for them at one time (that you thought was 2-sided), but after years you let it go and let it rest, and found some sort of peace perhaps.  So, why 5, 10, 15+ years down the road, would you want to even go back there?

It is not to say that SMs cannot be forgiving, it is just the incentive is just not there or has long since dissipated.  What is going to be YOUR big pay-off for opening your heart up again for, what will probably be, another rip-off of the century?  Sure, maybe, just maybe, it will make your DH happy, but back then you were sucking it up to make your DH happy and where did that get you?

I know there are some SMs who say, I stuck it out 10, 15, 20+ years and finally! I have some kind of pay off.  Finally, the grandkids call me grandma and SD smiles when she comes over.  I always think, really!?  That was worth 10, 15, 20+ years of ghosting, abuse, and lack of appreciation?  I don’t think so.  Hard to put a price on one year of peace much less years and years and years of peace.

not doubt me on this; there's some "pay off" for SD to reach out to DH at this point and time, especially if she never bothered all throughout her pregnancy.

Self-serving strategies may change, but permanent spots do not.

Same shit, different toilet.

In my experience, skids' (and particularly female ones) spots don't change, but their WANTS do.

Your SD is now a parent, so she likely has realized the positive things having extended family can offer a child. She hasn't changed, but the lens she sees through has. Still running an agenda and all about herself and her child, who is an extension of her.

We've been estranged from my Dh's younger daughter since 2005. She even told people her father had died of brain cancer to excuse his absence from her life and garner sympathy.

She's in her mid thirties now, and it's only been since she had a kid and found a dummy to marry her that she reached out to DH. First, she wanted him to walk her down the aisle. About two years after that, she texted DH again, dangling the child as bait, saying she wants her child to have her granddaddy in her life. No meaningful desire for reunification or apology for her horrendous behavior, no attempt to make amends, just an attempt at manipulation because the mother in her recognizes that her child is missing out and wants an instant grandpa.

I smell a rat....I don't think leopards change their spots ever. Of course if it were prefaced by a skid organised meeting full of apologies and realisations that would be different (dare to dream eh?)

Yes, they can.  SD was quite the mouthy tramp as a teenager but once she got out on her own and had to support herself, she matured and is now quite a wonderful, responsible adult.  Our relationship is much better. Plus, she's dating a man with a child and crazy ex so now she's getting a taste of what she put me through so she's much more appreciative of me now.