Why does your husband think it's a good idea to move her in? Does he think he can save her? Who has she been living with previously?

I would stand firm and not let her move in. He can give her support in other ways (and I don't mean by handing her money). Your husband should attend some nar-anon meetings.

((((HUGS)))))

I have the deepest compassion for you.

What do YOU want to do tomorrow, next month, next year based on everything you wrote today.

Again I am so sorry. Your safe here, to talk about anything.

(((HUGS))))

I have a similar situation with a SD, age 33. She has a drug problem, psych issues etc.

I have already told my husband she won't ever be able to move in with us. Thankfully she has never asked to, but the day will come, I am positive. I know I can't live with her and, frankly, I won't.

I would suggest you just be frank about this. She will destroy your marriage if she moves in; it might or might not if you or the two of them move out.  If he insists she come, then you must calmly and lovingly tell him you can't live that way and you both will need to budget for alternative living arrangements, either for the two of them or for you. You have a right to do this; he has the right to ask she come, but not to demand that she does. You may need to bring this up in family counseling, which should be part of any addict's recovery journey.

What he wants to do is enabling and not in her best interest any more than it is in yours. She is an adult and he can't "parent" her through tough love anymore - she has to learn to stand on her own two feet and manage her own addiction and he can't do that for her. Trying to control her so she will stop using will backfire on him - I actually know of a situation in which the adult addict living in the home killed one of his parents because they were taking his money and controlling it so he couldn't use. 

She needs to go to a sober living house and be on her own. All you can do is set your own boundaries, and you are right, he will have to choose between you. It's very sad to me that he would choose enabling an adult daughter over a supportive wife.

Find some nar-anon meetings and offer to go with him. Show him that you support him in helping her but NOT by moving her into your home.

If she had disdain for her father, moving her in so that he can have her under his thumb, is not going to work, anyway. She has never really spoken to you? So, living in that environment (disdain for her father, disrespect for you) is not going to be conducive to her getting her act together.

I do have biological children and I actually do love my SD. She is a dynamic, funny person when she isn't locked into the hell of her own brain and proclivities.

There is a saying in healthcare, that when one member of a family is seriously ill, the whole family is seriously ill. Your husband's inability to "give up hope" on his daughter is understandable, yet a symptom of the codependence that comes with being the relative of an addict. He is going to have to want to get past that - and the only chance his daughter has of true recovery is for him to do so.

All that being said, the only person in this situation that you can control is you. There is nothing wrong at ALL with having boundaries. In fact, addicts tend to destroy everything they come into touch with when boundaries don't exist. The writing is on the wall re: your relationship with your husband. You don't have to get divorced and he can return to "dating" you if she moves in - but you have every right to remove yourself from that situation (or to ask him if he will live with her elsewhere). He is naturally afraid of her relapsing, and with good cause. Odds are that she will. As a parent, you want to do what you can to prevent them from self destructing. The paradoxical truth though is that unless she is allowed to, she has zero chance of facing down her demons. She absolutely will take you, your dogs, your home, belongings, financies and marriage down with her. I personally don't see where you have a choice to make here. She needs to be sober a lot longer than this to be met with anything other than a wall of self protection.

You already lost something.  Your DH is not understand your feelings.  You DH is not going to stay home 24 hours a day.  So who going to take care of SD when he working or doing something.   You told him your point, you will move out if SD moves in.  If she moves in you must move out to control your own life.  

For sure, unless you are both on the same page and equipped with necessary skills for navigating addict behavior, it's not a good idea. But that said, I can see, from own experience, getting on the same page is the biggest battle. 

From the sounds of your story, your SD has had many chances to get clean and turn her life around. SHE is the one who has chosen not to. Yes, addiction is a disease, but as a previous posters stated, it's a disease which the family around also suffers through.

Your DH is likely to get sucked into a horrible situation of trying to police SD, which is going to backfire. If she is already distainful of him she will not respond well to his policing of her, and this may increase the incidence of relapse due to wanting to rebel against him. It may be the case where your DH gets so involved in trying to save SD that he could get consumed by his "project". I have seen this happen and it is extremely unhealthy. 

Where are you left in this equation? Your DH wants to move in a person who you hate, who is dangerous to your pets, is unkind to you both, and has serious issues. He will be so busy trying to rescue his daughter that it would seem like there would be no room for you. Would you just be "put on hold" in your own life and own marriage whilst DH goes about his mission to save SD from her own choices? Will he set solid boundaries in your home, and together with you, in order to protect your marriage and your happiness and mental health?

I would be asking all these questions of him. How does he envisage your marriage and togetherness as a couple, and sanctuary of your home, if his adult addict daughter moves in?

It's hard to stand by and watch people destroy their own lives, especially for a person who loves them and is by nature a "fixer". But your DH "fixing" your SD has the real potential to not only destroy your marriage, your own happiness, but also his.

I agree with the other posters. You are not giving your DH an ultimatum by telling him you have boundaries with regard to SD moving in, and should he demand it, you will be forced to make other accommodations for the welbeing of yourself. Support him in supporting SD in other practical ways, but keep an eye on any money he may want to hand her, that's never a good idea, but be clear that you will not allow him to sacrifice your welbeing for the sake of his adult daughter. If he won't look after your best interests, then you have the right idea about moving out until a resolve can be accomplished.

Best wishes to you.

Especially on hitting the dog. If someone hurt my dog I'd go after them - it would be the same reaction as someone hurting one of my kids. She's a f-ing loser and I would not allow the bitch in my house let alone live there, hell no.

Anyone who would hurt an animal deserves the hell she is probably going through, self inflicted or not. It take a special kind of evil to hurt a dog. She would be dead to me.

It also bears mentioning that, at least in the States, that if an adult moves in with you and has mail sent to your house, they are considered a legal resident there, whether you agreed to it or not. Its a huge loophole that more than one deadbeat or addicted adult kid has taken advantage of. What this means is that if you let her move in, it isn't working and then you tell her to move out....she can refuse to do so and force you to go through the trouble of a legal eviction....which takes months.

Stay strong. Stay kind. I understand you hate her, but that cannot be what drives your conversations with your husband about this. Approach it with dignity, self respect and compassion for what he is going through. If you are firm in your resolve and it is coming from a peaceful place, you can both have empathy for what he is suffering and still hold firm in protecting yourself. He is going to need your support.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

drug users usually do so because they have mental problems.  problems the drugs make worse.  hitting an animal is a sure sign of a psychopath.  i would put my foot down and not let the sd move in.  it could spell the end of your marriage.  do what you have to do.  find her a cheap studio apartment (paid for by your dh of course) but dont let her move it.  your home is your sanctuary and she could seriously harm your pet when you are not around.  are you willing to deal with the guilt you will have if something happens to your pet?  preserve your marriage.

She is an adult, she abuses animals and she is a drug addict with a repeated and ongoing history of failure when it comes to rehab and recovery. Not anyone I would allow in my home if I were you.  Whether daddy wants her there or not.

We moved our druggie SD in with us and it was the worst 10 months of my life.  Drug use, lying, theft of my valuables, night creeping.  Everything the posters above say is TRUE. TRUE, TRUE.  What we ended up doing, because I couldnt stand living with her anymore and went to the hospital with stess-related issues, was to help her find somewhere else to live.  I wish we were not subsidizing her living expense ( she gets disability so its only oart) but it's better than her living here and my DH, like yours, is a compassionate, responsible DH (altho his Disney Dad self created this problem).  I told him if he ever let her move in again, im leaving and he's an 83-year old cancer patient.  Do not let her move in, whatever you do.

I feel very sorry for that. I know what does it mean. I have a friend who was drug addicted and it was one of the hardest period in her life, not just her, our life. She passed over this only with the help of specialists. We tried to support her and to make her to forget about the drugs but it didn't work. To be honest I don't really know why she started to use drugs but everything was really serious. Choosing the Right Rehab https://www.abbeycarefoundation.com/finding-rehab-a-buyers-guide/ it is hard but you can find it. If you don't know how you can always find a guide that will direct you to those specialists that you need for yourself or for someone who needs rehab.