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SD doesn't do anything, frustrated!

NewStart's picture

Submitted by NewStart on Mon, 06/11/2018 - 10:51am

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Blended Family Issues

First post, please help if you can.  I have a step daughter, old enough to know better, who does absolutely NOTHING around the house.  Does not help cook, clean, take care of pets (some are hers) leaves stuff everywhere.  She expects people to do things, especially her father.  She's a taker not a giver.  I don't want to be nasty to her.  She does have a good heart but she can be VERY trying.  If she's tired or hungry you do not want to be around her!  Sometimes she is good and says she's in a bad mood and warns people to stay away.  That's good, I don't mind that.  But she needs to  understand she is not the only person in the house.  The world does not revolve around her and the people in it were not put here to do things for her!  

 

How do I deal with this? I was raised to pick up after yourself, help around the house, not be selfish.  She obviously wasn't.  Help!

 

NewStart's picture

Submitted by NewStart on Mon, 06/11/2018 - 12:04pm

Thank you for the comments.  It is frustrating but nothing that would break a relationship.  I do love her dearly and I want to help her become her own person and be self sufficient.  She's had some really bad breaks in her life... I want to build her up with this not break her down.  I just need the reassurance that it can be done in a loving way so that everyone can be happy.  I know it will take time.

 

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Mon, 06/11/2018 - 7:04pm

If you didn't have to lift a finger for xx years and now you are expected to help out, would you be happy? She will pout and complain and Dad may defend her and she will 'feel sick' or have to use the bathroom (my sister's personal favourite). She will do anything to evade dreaded housework. So she will not be happy and all the places of love in the world will not stop her feeling picked on. The way through it may be to tell her that by learning how to do these things well will make her a better room mate in the future. Even offer extra pocket money for a job well done. But expecting her to willingly change the habits of a lifetime is not likely, sorry.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 06/13/2018 - 10:59am

Let me get this right... "she is a taker not a giver" and ... "she has a good  heart".  *nea*  Aren't those character traits mutually exlusive?

I seems that far too many SParents have a similar perspective regarding the players in our blended family adventures. Wonderful soul mates who are crappy parents and abject wastes of skin failures in dealing with Xs and their own spawn to the detriment if not demise of their current relationships, etc....

I believe that the most if not single effective way to deal with this is accountability. Set the standards of behavior in  your home and marriage and enforce those standards.  Establish a series of escalating consequences for non compliance and deliver an existence of abject misery if the players fail to comply.

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

This process actually builds relationships, character and viable adult children in my experience.  And these are the actions of love and support.