Too many problems
This is my first post. I'm so glad I found this website, i don't feel like I'm the only one figuring out how to step parent. I've been married for almost two years now and I have a SD who's 14. No children of my own, recently had a miscarriage. The BM is mentally unstable and uses drugs which is why my SD lives with me and my husband. He works during the night and sleeps in the day so I take care of the house. She visits the BM on weekends which blows my mind because she has yet to take care of her own daughter. But I cant help but feel like the maid all the time, constantly disrespected, and deal with the SD's attitude. I am much younger than both of her biological parents yet find myself doing most of the parenting.
We moved to a new house recently just so she can stay in the same school as her friends. My preferences on where we should live were ignored. My SD ignores me, doesnt acknowledge me unless I'm buying something for her. Likes to slam every cabinet and door starting at 4am till she gets on the schoolbus. We have told her to stop multiple times. She will eat and leave the dishes in the sink for days or throw some water on them and call it clean then I have to rewash them after I come home from my job. I find myself picking up tissue and toilet paper after her. She will use personal products and lie about not using them when confronted. The last time we tried talking to her about chores, she started yelling and saying she wants to live with her grandmother, also that she hates living here. My husband has caught her talking inappropriately on her cellphone which I gave to her as a gift last year. When he tried taking the phone from her, she locked herself in her room and called the BM. My SO unlocks the door and takes the phone, my SD starts screaming she's going to call 911, she's in danger, and that she will hurt herself or someone else. My husband gives into her act and gives her the phone back. Next day we find out she's laughing about the whole thing. This all seems like behavior she's learned from the BM and it absolutely scares me if she's just talking or would really do something one day. This is driving me crazy, I cant see myself dealing with her behavior much longer while my SO feels sorry for her and does little to nothing to correct behavior because he's worried she will leave him. He disagrees on all of us sitting down together and talking about issues because she'll "think we are picking on her". I feel completely lost.
Welcome to the site!
What you describe is by far the most common problem that brings folk to this site - ie a bio parent who will not parent his/her child properly, either because they are lazy or because they fear driving ickle diddums away and want to be seen as a friend rather than a parent. Really your SD is crying out for boundaries, but that is not really your problem, it is your husband's and he should step up, get a backbone and start dealing with the issues instead of running off to work and leaving it to you.
I am so sorry about your miscarriage - that is very sad. But do you think it might be a suitable point to re-assess whether you want a child with this man who has proved himself to be such a poor parent? Tbh, I don't think I could live with behaviour such as you describe, from your SD. It is such a constant source of stress. I only had my two SDs every other weekend, but that in itself ruined my life for well over 10 yrs.
Yes, what Kes said - it's is
Yes, what Kes said - it's your DH who is the problem. It's not your job to parent her, so I'd stay out of everything (including giving her big gifts like a phone) and let him handle it all. But be clear on your boundaries and what you will and won't allow (you've already struggled with that, considering you agreed to a move that you really didn't want). But please - don't have a baby with him until you are sure you can deal with his poor parenting for your own kid - since you will likely end up divorced and he will have her alone like he does SD.
First DH needs a new job
He wants his DD to live with him. He has to be home with her. Not working. Two DH needs parenting classes . He can not let SD blackmail him. Three disengage from all of it. It's your DH child he cooks, cleans take her to her appointment. Not you
Your DH needs to find his
Your DH needs to find his balls and when he takes her phone he needs to stay the course. When she threatens to call 911 he should dial it for her. To nail her ass to the wall for her bulkshit I suggest a full suit of webcams so when she lies her ass off to the police she can then explain why her statement and the video footage do t match.
It's not going to get better.
It's not going to get better. It likely will get worse.
Love is NOT enough.
Make your exit plan.