plz, plz read...considering breaking off w/ love of my life because of his kids
DO I NEED TO END THIS? We started dating 2 years ago, but have known each other for years. He is an AMAZING MAN. I would love to spend FOREVER w/ him. We spent alot of time together alone in the beginning. Two years ago, our work shifts allowed us to spend some time together when his 8yo and 12yo daughters were at school. The girls were also spending one week with him and one week w/ BM. A year and a half ago, the daughter had normal mother/daughter teen issues and started living with LOML full time. He adores his girls. Just like other post, I think he feels guilty and they lack responsibilities and the oldest does not understand the word "NO" at all.
Life changes. My work schedule has changed in the last year and I can only see him after 6 pm so not alot of "us" time. I have two grown daughters in their mid twenties. I have been there and done that. They are not holy terrors, but they. are not my own. I have always been upfront w/ him and said I have raised my kids and don't really want to do it again. He said to just be there friend.
I have a challenging career. Alot of times, I'm exhausted when I get home. I can't do it again.
My question is DO I NEED TO END THIS? I truly love him and when we are alone, its near perfect. He says I don't have to go to ball games and activities and that he loves me for me. Truth is he loves me and would get married tomorrow if I agreed. He says he knows I've raised mine and he's ok with that. I've always been polite with his girls. I don't interfere with their discipline even though I disagree with his parenting. If it wasnt for the girls, I would want to be with him all the time. I just find myself being a little less available more and more to avoid being with them. This makes me sound horrible. Am I overthinking? Can this relationship still work?
More fish in the sea. Cut
More fish in the sea. Cut bait.
If you need me to elaborate, he is a shit parent. That will end up wearing you out in ways you do not even want to imagine. He "doesn't want you to be mommy", until he does. And he WILL.
You will find an even more "amazing" man that better suits where you are in life.
Is he capable of parenting
Is he capable of parenting his kids? I understand that his oldest sounds like she needs some boundaries.. but do you believe he will be putting in the "work" to raise them?
If you don't feel you can "co-exist" in the home with his kids.. then maybe your should end it. If you trust that he won't push parenting responsibilities on you and if you can accept his kids will be present in the home.. then maybe.. and maybe you need to give him expectations of time you want to spend with him too? Date nights.. the odd weekend away.
As the girls get older.. they should be able to be a bit more self sufficient.. and they SHOULD be spending some time with their mother as well.. there should be the ability to make this work.. but are you willing to put up with their presence and the understanding that he does have this responsibility in his life?
Update
I'm thankful for all the feedback. Breakup TRY #1 last night. I was totally honest with him. Told him hard to sit back and watch behavior and say nothing. He ask for examples and I did. I was brutally honest. He didn't get mad. He said I was probably right. I said you can sit and talk to her every time about when she does something wrong but she will never change until you tell her no and she has consequences for her actions. He agreed. To me, it said a lot about our relationship for him to sit there and hear what I had to say without freaking out.
I love this man more than anything. He loves me too. I can't just end it without seeing if things will change. I have to admit that I'm not convinced I should take the advice from the first two responses from you and run. Time will tell.
I'm confused, is he LOML? So
I'm confused, is he LOML? So the kids are now living with him full-time? (EDIT: I am an idiot, LOML = Love of My Life)
I consider men who are poor parents to be less than "amazing". And if he is a less-than-amazing parent, his kids will not grow up and launch properly (as evidenced by them having problems with their mother, and running to Dad's house, where I assume there are less rules). If that's the case, these girls will be thorns in your side for years to come. If you get more involved with him, they may start really ramping up the interference because they are losing Daddeee's undivided attention.
You leave out a lot of details, such as how old they are, why you don't agree with his discipline, how these girls behave towards you and why they came to live with him full-time - so it's hard to say if this can work out in the future or not. But I would suggest you take off the rose-colored glasses and stop seeing him as AMAZING, and see him for the full picture of who he is, which includes his parenting and the existence of kids who may make your life challenging.
LOL, I knew the "amazing"
LOL, I knew the "amazing" would catch you tog!
Correction
I said "not convinced I should take advice". Typo. I meant I'm not convinced I shouldn't".
togredux, he is 7 years younger than me. His daughters are 10 and 14. The BM is not a crown jewel. She does not treat the 14 yo well. She is fine with the baby (10). So he gets the 10yo every other week and 14 yo lives with him full time. The 14 year old is nice to me. The 10 year old is nice, but she's 10, a little spoiled because she's the baby. They have straight "A&s" in school. Very involved in sports (too involved). I'm just starting to see behavioral and attitude issues they have towards friends, teachers, coaches. Like the teacher is wrong, coach wont play them all time. Little things. So I told him last night... she will never get an award again for playing if she keeps her attitude. He is a good dad in many ways. He's just too easy. He has a 20 yo that is already through college that is teaching in middle school and is very responsible. I just worry about these two. He needs to be harder on them.
you may be right. I guess I need to decide if I want to invest 7 more years into seeing him when he's got a little free time. I'm not desperate to be with someone 24/7. I'm independent. But I can see if we do have a weekend off together every once in a while, it's hard to go back to not being w him when we get back. I do feel I've made a good decision of not moving in. I know it's not my thing.
Correction
I said "not convinced I should take advice". Typo. I meant I'm not convinced I shouldn't".
togredux, he is 7 years younger than me. His daughters are 10 and 14. The BM is not a crown jewel. She does not treat the 14 yo well. She is fine with the baby (10). So he gets the 10yo every other week and 14 yo lives with him full time. The 14 year old is nice to me. The 10 year old is nice, but she's 10, a little spoiled because she's the baby. They have straight "A&s" in school. Very involved in sports (too involved). I'm just starting to see behavioral and attitude issues they have towards friends, teachers, coaches. Like the teacher is wrong, coach wont play them all time. Little things. So I told him last night... she will never get an award again for playing if she keeps her attitude. He is a good dad in many ways. He's just too easy. He has a 20 yo that is already through college that is teaching in middle school and is very responsible. I just worry about these two. He needs to be harder on them.
you may be right. I guess I need to decide if I want to invest 7 more years into seeing him when he's got a little free time. I'm not desperate to be with someone 24/7. I'm independent. But I can see if we do have a weekend off together every once in a while, it's hard to go back to not being w him when we get back. I do feel I've made a good decision of not moving in. I know it's not my thing.
I find that it is most
I find that it is most helpful and the easiest pill to swallow when our critiques of their children's behaviors are couched in a way that appears as if we are concerned for their wellbeing. Somewhat like you said.. "she will never get an award because of her attitude".. but it could have been phrased a little more focused on the specific behavior vs "her" by calling out attitude in general.
Honey, when she complains about the coach being the fault of her poor performance... it really is doing her no favors to agree with her. Part of being involved in sports is learning to work with a team... and to learn how to be accountable for our individual performance in the team. learning to respect and follow instructions from a coach/leader is also important.
I'm worried that when SD gets to the work world she will continue to try to blame her problems on her coworkers and bosses. You know that will make it hard for her to be successful at work.
It's like i used to get my DH to work with his girls on manners so that they wouldn't be embarassed when they were guests in other people's homes... A short term correction in the home in a "safe environment" beats the heck out of having your a$$ handed to you in the real world.
I didn’t agree
If I implied I agreed with her and not the coach, I did not explain correctly. I totally agree with being a team player. She was disappointed she didn't get an awards. She said it was because of favoritism. I told her father that she would probably not get awards in future if she had a negative attitude.
I have not read all the
I have not read all the replies, so I don't know if my opinion will differ from others. I feel like what you describe isn't bad at all compared to many/most who post here. The girls sound fairly well rounded and he sounds open to critique. You aren't living with them, have made your position clear and he is accepting of that. I have to wonder if reading here about the nightmare scenarios isn't fueling your anxieties somewhat. Happy people in well adjusted situations generally are not on a bulletin board talking about it. They are out living life, so the view here is somewhat skewed.
I think if you can find a way to carve out a little more alone time together, you are going to be fine with this guy. The kids are within 8 years of launching. Yes, they will always be there, but likely whoever else you find to date will have children as well. I would not kick this one to the curb just yet. I feel like from what you have shared it would be mostly based on fears of what might happen rather than based on what actually is.
Just my 0.02.
....not my thing
Not my thing being a parent of young kids again. At least I can stay home and I feel like I still have control of my life and my decisions.
I am happy I found this forum. I read some of the post and feel for a lot of good people. I don't want to get in a hard situation. Scary thing is, I can't see my future without him. I love him. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He is one of those people that others love to be around (but maybe not to live with because of kiddos)
Well, then it sounds like
Well, then it sounds like just dating and seeing him when you can might be enough for you.
You can live apart
But stay over when you want. But the facts are he has the kids 24/7. He loves his kids and seams the kids come first. Kids complain about BM he takes them. If kids complain about you, your are out.
pits up to you, if you want to stay. But you will never be number 1. The kids will Co trol yoir life.
You should ask got him to get a sitter to get a weekend alone. see what happens, is he happy or just blows you off, yes good idea but never makes plans
Quit playing the games. If
Quit playing the games. If you can't do it... then don't.
Sadly, it is the usual LOML, wonderful man, etc, etc, etc..... story. What, exactly, is so perfect about this failed man, failed father, failed husband, guilty dad, who does not raise his children with responsibilities or to understand the word no?
Re-read your original post from someone who is being asked for advice on the situation you are questioning and answer that person. Then.... do that.
Move on, as you said, you have raised yours and cannot do this. So don't.
I was in the same boat as you
I was in the same boat as you. I made the mistake of moving in with him three years ago with his now 22 and 15 year daughters. Hardest thing I ever had to do was be like a step parent. Wearen't married but live together, share all expenses, and the girls live with us full time.
Because he doesn't parent. It is a nightmare for me. I feel as if I'm suppose to be a mom and take care of everything, yet I have non of the power. I feels so powerless at times and so frustrated when he doesn't discipline his kids. I sit and watch and hold my breathe. So irritating.
If I could do it all over agin. I would never ever move in with him. He is a good man. I would just date and keep my distance from his kids. Be kind and considerate but they should never be your responsibility. (Fyi. Their mother not involved)
I would have just seen how the relationship goes and if he doesn't have enough time for me, then let it go. There are many other single guys without kids in the world. Just be patient.