Married 6 weeks & I just can't with SD's games

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Hi all,
He and I got married 6 weeks ago, we dated for almost 5 years, except the weeks when I would leave him from too much drama from his two daughters, now 20 and 24. Both of them flat out ignored me up until he and I had a talk with the younger SD. However, the oldest SD is untouchable...meaning he has NEVER told her that she should apologize to me, he simply won't back me on this issue...oldest SD admitted (to him) to ignoring me on purpose (he just told me this yesterday) when she told him almost 2 years ago when he was begging me to get back with him. Now that he and I bought a home, still unpacking, working and getting settled in...the oldest SD (look up Emotional Incest...these two are so bonded) will ignore me when she passes by me in the house during the day (I work quite a bit from home). She comes out of her room when he comes home from work, she's wearing inappropriate, revealing clothing, and full face of make-up and all, does nothing all day. She's all chatty when he's there, otherwise she barely says 'hi' when I say 'hello', she comes out of her room when I leave the house to go to my office or run errands. She does not lift a finger around the house and I stopped cooking, cleaning up, moving her laundry she leaves and taking out the trash. When her boyfriend visits from out of state, he leaves messes in the kitchen and around the house too. My husband will NOT hold her accountable for cleaning up after herself and her bf. My husband and I talked in detail with a therapist about this prior to getting married but nothing has been said to her. When I walk into the kitchen or another room when they are talking, they immediately stop talking so I politely excuse myself to give them privacy and he gets mad at me. He expects me to be her therapist and check in on her, take her to yoga and do things for her. Not ONCE in the past 5 years has she asked me about how I"m feeling, how my son (who is deployed again) is doing, or how my bandaged knee or foot or shoulder are doing after the surgeries I've had. Not once said 'happy birthday' but he expects me to go all out for his kids birthdays, and I have and won't do it anymore. I read about this disengagement so I need to do this. I'm looking for a therapist in my new city. I feel so alone and he talks to her and tells her more about his day and work than he does with me. Any ideas on how to live with this 24 yo SD with her behavior? Every time I talk to my husband about my feelings and what happens, he is quick to make excuses for her and ignores my feelings, ignores me when I cry then turns it on me or tells me his girls ignore him. Ugh! Help!

This was my SD

This was my SD decades ago - EVERYTHING you wrote describes her to a tee. Everything also describes my DH - and HE is your problem. Like you, I tried to be nice, excused myself from their presence if they needed privacy, tried to be nice and 'ignore' rude behavior. But I found out I was going about it all wrong.

You need to find out why you are catering to DH and SD so much when they aren't doing the same for you. Your marriage should be top priority for your DH - and you must start believing this yourself. It's really good you told your DH you didn't sign up for this but he needs to realize you are not going to LIVE like this. Period. Set some boundaries and stand firm. If DH can not accommodate you, leave.

Farnklly, I would ask that SD leave now as you shouldn't have to live in the house wiht someone who is so disrespectful of you. But if you are up to SD staying in your house until June disengage from her. Let DH take care of ALL of her needs. He can feed her,pay for everything for her and clean up after her. Don't engage in conversation with her unless she is pleasant to you.

Two months or bust!

Wow, I'm so amazed how COMMON this is and how much it parallels with what you dealt with decades ago. How frustrating.

I stopped catering to both of them just over a week ago (we've been in the house we bought for 4 weeks) so three weeks was enough for me to realize how HE is not going to do one thing to stand by his word of 'having her be part of the family and do her part.' I've told him that she's like a hungry cat...she'll come out of her room when he comes home from work and wait to be fed then goes back to her room or takes a phone call when it's time to do dishes. He's been doing ALL the dishes, cooking and garbage as I just sit there at the table on my phone (like she does) or I disappear into another room. I'm a great cook so he was so looking forward to my cooking dinner for us! Too bad. So I'm standing firm on my personal boundaries of only taking care of my own laundry, dishes, etc. He really does think I'll stick it out because HE is not affected by anything. I'm selling (downsizing) a lot of things on-line. Just shedding a lot of personal belongings and storing my nice cookware and dishes that I bought in Europe for my son to take back with him to his home base when he comes to visit after his deployment. I feel like I already have one foot out the door. Wait, both feet have never really been in the door!

So the SD leaving now is not an option. Unfortunately. He is pushing her to finish her undergrad degree so she's enrolled online and goes to a class 3 hours a week, that's it. She's not working like he said she would. I told him after we moved in and since than if she could just unpack the moving boxes with the kitchen supplies and set it all out, I can put it all away. Little things like that would be so helpful in us getting the kitchen set up and settled in. Nope, nothing happened. So I am stuck here either A) June when she is supposed to go live with her bf out of state or I give up and get the heck out. This could be a VERY long two months for me. Life is too short and the depression is sinking in fast. So I will continue to disengage with her.

Thanks so much for your advice, I need it ;-))

Hi, I’m glad you found us

As far as I see it you have three choices:

1. Leave now, get an annulment and mark it up to experience

2. If you want to stay married, tell DH that June is her launch date. Be firm. No excuses reasons or extensions. Then disengage completely. Continue to not do things for her as you are already. I would even give up bothering to say hello when you walked past, however because I can't help myself I would be making comments about her outfit selections at the dinner table "wow I can see your nipples sticking out, maybe you should wear a bra" or "I saw a stripper wearing short shorts like that on Facebook" etc haha

3. if depression is setting in too quickly to cope until June and remember you are the most important person for you to take care of, explain to your DH that you have to move out until SD leaves in June. That for your emotional well-being you can only return when she moves out.

Good luck

I'll take option 3 please!

Hi, thanks for your feedback...this came to another ugly head last night and I already found a place to move to, it's about 2 hours away, I'm in the Florida panhandle so moving west 2 hours is worth it. I'll drive over on Monday to check out the rentals.

I laughed because if I made the stripper comment should would take it as a compliment....she's so full of herself!

He said when the SD and her bf return from their weekend at the beach (tomorrow) that we will all sit down and have a talk. He is UNABLE to wrap his head around SD doing anything wrong and continued to invalidate my feelings and the issues I've talked to him about AGAIN last night. He couldn't even choke up the words to say what he plans to tell her! He choked on words that would tell her that she needs to respect me. Fail.

Getting an annulment in Florida can be validated in this case with A) no sex, B) frad and C) emotional neglect & abuse.

He doesn't want me to leave and wants us to have a 'married life' whatever that looks like with this guy.

Thanks! I appreciate your help

Good for you!

You have just dodged a major bullet, smart lady. If you had remained in this marriage the deception, lies and lack of sex would have magnified every year that went by, and your respect for this man would have diminished into contempt. Even if this man throws out SD he will fail in other ways to be the husband you deserve. In another year you will look back on this and thank your lucky stars you got out of it.

When you get back on your own, please don't blame yourself for anything but innocence. Lesson learned, move on and have a great life. In another couple of years you might meet the best man for you - or not. I've leaned from many single woman friends that it is very possible to be happy in your old age and not be married. Society has been giving women misleading information since the caveman.

Forever a free agent

Thank you friend. I just turned 54 and have chosen to remain unmarried for the past almost 20 years. I've had healthy relationshiops in the past and always heard that marriage is 'hard work' so I've tried to not RUN every time issues or struggles presented themselves in this relationship. It's been a long distance (3 hours apart) relationship except for trying to live together in 2017 when both girls ignored me and he wouldn't break the ties with the cheating ex-wife's 'friend to talk to every day on the one hour drive to work.' The SD is obviously not being 'talked to' by him at least not in the manner he says he does. So the lying by ommission continues and new things about his health and other lies are now being revealed 'now that we're married I can tell you...' type of things.

I'm totally ok with my solitude and sanity in living alone. I'm looking at rentals tomorrow and not letting him know. I'm moving things into storage that he won't notice. Now I understand why women leave an abusive relationship in one day when the man is at work. He doesn't want me to leave and will try to block me again.

Thank you so much, I will remember to not blame myself. The moving is more of an inconvenience and changes with work. I'm a contractor so I can work from nearly anywhere. The expense of moving is the real kicker but I have savings.

Hugs xoxo

You live in the Florida

You live in the Florida panhandle? I would not care what else was going on because of one word. Whataburger. I am in south FL and I find reasons to drive north to go to Whataburger.

And yeah, the beaches there are glorious too. You can have a wonderful life single without some dumb man too afraid to stand up to an adult daughter.

moving back to the beach

Yes, I lived in Destin then in Pensacola for several years and now in Tallahassee for the past 5 weeks. I'm looking at rentals at the beach tomorrow. Gotta get my happy back and that does indeed include Whataburger! I'm from Texas and grew up on Whataburger. I was stationed overseas for 7 years and couldn't wait to get my Whataburger fix every time I was near one! Now I'm hungry and live in the middle of the woods...no Whataburger in sight, haha!

I'm guessing you could

I'm guessing you could validate it with both B and C. Fraud, because he didn't tell you he was already involved with another woman in a wife-like manner (a/k/a his daughter). And emotional neglect and abuse, well. . . for obvious reasons. One of which is expecting your dog to hold it for 10+ hours when there is a minimal to non-working able-bodied adult in the home.

These men are so dumbfounded sometimes. They truly think that the way to make your new wife happy is to treat your daughter like a wife and your wife like a daughter? Unfortunately, these types of role-reversals happen far too often in step-situations. Usually what it is is that the guilty dad was permitting or even encouraging his daughter to act more like a wife (sans sex, of course) for months or years. Then, SM comes along, and dad thinks it is just status-quo for him and his kids, and if they and SM don’t get along, it is just "the girls" duking it out or not being able to get along. In reality, it's that dad never should have encouraged his daughter to become his wife-substitute to begin with.

Now, DaughterWife thinks she IS the wife, with all of the authority, daddy's equality in the household, etc. AND, DaughterWife thinks that the REALWife is some sort of interloper trying to take her place, and that REALWife should just accept that she is behind her and daddy, 3rd at best, in the pecking order. So, now you are in a household where daddy thinks his daughter is doing nothing wrong (they love the near-incestuous relationship they have; works for them), while you, his REALWife, are supposed to be ever-happy duking it out with his daughter for the wife role. He sees himself as truly stuck in the middle, when he was the a$$ who set it all up to begin with.

True...

This evening we argued because I went into the master closet for some alone time and to cry. He follows me in there. He is so controlling...telling me to sit at the kitchen table now his DaughterWife, her bf and SD20 who is here for just a couple days...all three ignored me all day today while I was in the large living room reorganizing some things in boxes from the move. Not ONE word from any of them. I text him and told him (this afternoon) how 'sad it is that they continue this with me' and he offered to get me a hotel room out of town until they leave to go visit their mother tomorrow afternoon. He would do this instead of being a father or a husband and back me. Then he comes home and all three are out in the kitchen (SD20, DaughterWife 24 and her bf) it's all smiles and laughs with DH and he just eats up the attention.

DH keeps needling me to tell him 'what is the real problem here?' He prods me to say something and he wants me to say his DaughterWife but he jumped out to say it today ('you think it's her and it's not!') and I told him that it's HIM...I have been telling him that it's HIM and he won't believe me and continues to provoke me. I hold a professional license and he does everything possible to make me breakdown or snap to push him away from me but I will NOT lay a hand on him. He knows if I hit him (I don't do violence) that I'll lose my license. I just sqeeze past him when he corners me in the bathroom, closet, bedroom, kitchen, car, etc. He lays his hands on me and my anxiety in my gut just goes through the roof, I tell him I can't breathe and he still won't get his hands off me. Partially clothed DaughterWife struts around here knowing SHE is daddy's DaughterWife and rules the roost...she rules everything related to him. They'll be in for a rude awakening soon. I told him tonight (again) that there is NO PLACE for me here, I'll just give him and his girls what they want...me gone. He wants to 'work on our marriage' and I reminded him we haven't had one and what exactly does that look like to him?

He's always told me that I don't put forth effort to bond with his girls...well, duh mister, how can I bond with two entitled brats that refuse to talk to me? They were happy when mommy got married to her lover and had daddy all to themselves, Of course daddy triangulated me with their mom...more sneaking around that landed on my lap by accident. But this sick bond with DaughterWife and then him fussing at me to not 'tell the girls good-night' is once again asking me to put forth effort after I've disengaged. Controlling idiot.

Keep in mind too, and I'm not

Keep in mind too, and I'm not just saying this for you but for other SMs, including myself, that it is the bio-parent's responsibility to smooth the way or even assure that there is the right atmosphere for you and his children to bond. As you said so well, "How can I bond with two entitled brats that refuse to talk to me?" You (and no step-parent) should be left to their own devices to try to figure out how to get along with someone else's children. It doesn't matter if anyone thinks they are already nice or not. It has to do with this is someone else's children raised with different boundaries. The bio-parent is supposed to be the pathway. Unfortunately, far too many chicken-out or just don't think that responsibility is theirs, and instead let the kids and SM "duke it out," while the po' whittle bio-parent is stuck in the middle, boo hoo.

This is actually one of the reasons why step-dads are usually more successful than step-moms. There are several, but one of them is that BM, the woman, usually does this naturally, trying to smooth the way for her new man. Bio-dads, on the other hand, never had to go there much with the kids, prior to the divorce. They let mom handle all of that social business, social calendar stuff. Now with a new woman in the household, dad expects her to take on all of that "social crap" like his ex- used to do and just make it work. Fat chance. Kids wind up following dad's lazy attitude about going out of their way a bit to help SM fit in. They just see dad putting in little (if any) effort, not changing, acting like SM alone is the one who has to adjust, and go with it. Nope. It is bio-dad, who needs to insist, do whatever it takes, to at least assure that his kids accept SM as his wife. They may not have to like her, but they do have to accept her role as dad's wife, and as a wife.

Fraudulent acts and

Fraudulent acts and misrepresentation are a reason for annulment. He made a lot of misrepresentations regarding the SD. Had you known, you wouldn't have married him. I'm not sure if those are the kind of misreps that will get you an annulment, but it's certainly worth a chat with a lawyer. Is a lot of your money tied up in the house?

No loss

Hi, no assets of mine in the house, he bought it with inheritance money (well, he put the down payment and got loan in his name). My name is on the deed but I don't care about any of that. We got married 6 weeks ago and closed on the house a couple days prior so all of this is very new. I brought in my nice quality household furniture and everything to set up the house so I'm selling stuff online every day to really downsize. I rented a stoage unit to store some items in that he won't notice. I can't believe this.

Yes, lots of misrepresentation. The therapist we met with made sure that the SD was to be considered a 'guest' in our home and he fully agreed several times. But she's leaving dirty or burned up pots and pans on the stove, dirty dishes, trash, and doing her laundry at 11:30pm. Every time I've asked him to talk with her he said he did but it's obvious he didn't.

Still has a 24 year old

Still has a 24 year old daughter living at home with him. We wouldnt even of made it to the church. Let alone got married. If you where having problems with the daughter before you even got married. I wouldnt have even bothered.

Agree...

SD moved back to this town when we moved into the house in January, she was supposed to finish her undergrad degree and graduate 1 May. She was supposed to be working full-time too since her last couple classes are super easy. Before we decided to get married and buy the house, he told me (after he and I talked several times) that he talked to her and 'everything is good, she loves you and wants us to get married.' But now the reality is that she only acts fine and normal to me in front of him.

Why on EARTH did you let her

Why on EARTH did you let her move in with you? When newlyweds buy a home together it isn't to house an extra adult. Life is impossible with two adult women vying for the same space - you can't have two queens for one castle. It just doesn't work.

Why is she invading your love nest?

Thorny little nest

It was agreed upon between us that she would live in the house until she graduates on 1 May. Now the move date is June. She's telling me August or October and that's with her bf freedloading off us. Nope, deal breaker. DH won't ask her to explain what she told me, so we are getting clarity tomorrow after they return from their nice weekend at the beach. We are still unpacking.

I am the Queen! However...she is the daughterwife that filled in when his marriage to her mom was on the rocks and after his divorce and several years into our relationship (unknown to me for a long time). The emotional incest definition describes these two to a tee. I'm out.

I am the Queen bee

Funny! Yes, I explained to DH the last two days that I am the Queen bee here and I will NOT continue to bite my tongue when she passes by me, ignoring me and when she's dressed inappropriately. He asked if her wearing a t-shirt that goes past her shorts (underneath but not visible) and I said, '"m, yes, it looks like she's only wearing a t-shirt parading around in front of you!"

Today I referred to her as 'princess' and he got mad at me. I told him that's a very NICE nickname for her...heaven only knows what she refers to me and I don't care. So I told him rather than 'ho bag' that she is, princess will have do to & most women would've left by now, this past 6 weeks of our married life have been hell for me. I'm looking at places to rent tomorrow. He won't change even though he swore he had these 'talks' with her before we married. Lies.

There is not love nest, wish there was, no sex, no empathy, no understanding, I'm the b-word for calling it like it is.

I always find that to be the

I always find that to be the saddest thing about being a SM—being a clear and present scapegoat. The bios can do the cruelest, damndest things in the name of the “initial family,” such as formally invite the bio to a family event but exclude the bio’s wife (SM), take pictures including the bio and his ex- but exclude SM, seat the bio and his ex- together and place SM elsewhere (ideally in a hole somewhere, alone), and then turn around and act like it is all SM’s fault, and no one, including clergy, judges, counselors and others supposedly representing a higher authority, does a damn thing about it.

If any of those above were done to a non-SM, any husband’s wife, for instance, you’d have tons of people around you saying, “How dare you!?,” “What were you thinking!?,” but, because the label SM is in there too, people just think, “Oh, well,” or even, “That is what she gets for marrying a man with kids.” Like, me wanting to act and be my husband’s wife (because I am, by the way), by his side, is somehow trying to take BM’s place!? It is a very hard and bitter pill to swallow, and most of us have to swallow it multiple times a year, the entire time we are married to our DHs. Some of our DHs get it and defend us (rare), some get it but are still cowards (more common), and some just don’t get it and never will (far too many).

This is why as a SM, you have to do what works for you!, because no matter what you do, someone (and believe me, there are tons of non-SMs who think they know more about how to be a SM than you do) will be there saying you're not doing it right. Do it as you see it, call it as you see it, and don't let anyone try to second guess your judgement, including your own DH.

Everything you wrote is so spot on!

SM's for the most part will always be to blame and will always be the scapegoats to these husbands who are petrified to upset the apple cart with their Princess Daughters and BM! GRRRR!!!!!

ignored but no one notices but SM

You are so on point with being ignored or left out of pictures, meals, events, etc. It's so hurtful but BM is always the hero...no matter what damage she has caused to those kiddos or marriage to the biodad. I've been faced to clean up the emotional fallout of divorced men and don't even spend more than a second date on their drama. BM can stay on her damn pedestal while all adore her! << lots of sarcasm

You're making the right choice.

This man is a deeply enmeshed cake eater. He's been doing this dance with his daughter(s) for a loong time, and doesn't want the dysfunction to end. His daughters' awful behavior is merely the symptom; he is where is root of the disease lies.

He'll say anything to maintain the status quo, because he's getting everything he wants: you for adult companionship and sex, and the deep emotional connection he has with his eldest daughter. You've tried to work the problem with him, but he's only paying you lip service to shut you up. Zero progress has been made. Even if your H somehow woke up normal tomorrow, your problems would still exist. He's damaged both of his daughters with his shi!!y parenting, and you would continue to be subjected to their stunted and toxic ways. Speaking from experience, this is not something they will likely ever outgrow.

I'm guessing the therapist you and your H saw was not well informed about emotional incest/enmeshment. Not really surprising, but be sure to ask potential new therapists if they're familiar with the dynamic. I think enmeshment is far more common today than anyone would like to acknowledge, and counsellors dealing with blended families ought to have a working knowledge of it.

You need to just fully give up on this man, take care of you, and remove yourself from the situation ASAP. Leave these people to their crazy. Accelerate your exit strategy and liberate yourself, even if that means hiring movers and requesting a Civil Standby from the Sheriffs Office.

So true

You're so right...and I told him tonight that even if he woke up tomorrow thinking 'rational or normal' that his family dysfunction and his lack of parenting will not change for anyone or anything.

I'm very aware of emotional incest and these two are the perfect example. He unloaded on me when I explained to him what it is and how he cannot have a healthy adult relationship with me or any woman with SD tied to his side with the codepedency he's created and allowed. Leave to this narcissist to triangulate us to get the attention he needs. Our therapist told him that he needs to set and enforce firm boundaries with his daughter and he nodded and 'fully agreed' and then nothing. Lip service again being the 'nice guy.'

Thanks so much, I will definitely contact the sheriff's office (I didn't think of that) and already have a moving company. The SD has a 5 hour appointment on Thursday so I hope to get out while she's not here and he's at work. I told him I'm leaving but he'll forget by tomorrow, he's so emotionally checked out. Status quo is so true. No sex though.

I've been on my own for almost 20 years, the move doesn't scare me and I'm financially secure with my career.

Thanks so much!

Why have you tolerated this

Why have you tolerated this shit show for this long?

These are Skidults you are dealing with so it will never get better. Not even if they move to another planet much less to another State. And the real problem is their father.

Why on Earth would you think that marrying this guy would make everything suddenly better after you spent 5 years experiencing it as his GF. Even if they leave you are still stuck with the root cause of the entire problem.

Good luck.

You're absolutely correct

Yep, he had me fooled this time. He and I lived 3 hours apart the past two years so I avoided any contact with the SD all the while lying to me saying 'my kids love you and can't wait for us to get married' and he was pushing to get married. Shit hasn't changed now that I see him every day (rather than just him on most weekends) and I have to see SD...they both disgust me. Adios to both of them...sooner the better.

Tomorrow I'm driving back to where I lived and will find a place to rent, already found three places to rent online.

Thanks Rags ;-)

Take care of you and enjoy

Take care of you and enjoy your new life.

Living well is the best revenge. Exact your revenge.

thanks!

My pup and I piled on blankets on my bed last night and slept pretty good, we were both exhausted from the long day of moving yesterday, movers worked 10 hours (6 hours of driving round trip) bur all is good. We will walk to the beach today!

I applaud your confidence and

I applaud your confidence and courage through all of this. Enjoy the walk on the beach with your pooch.

You knew all this for 5 years

You knew all this for 5 years before marriage and yet you still married. I just can't get past that---wow!

Palm to forehead...yep!

Yes, I knew this. I'm shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders in disbelief that I believed him. During the past almost two years (we lived 3 hours apart so would see each other on weekends without his kids SD24 and SD20), he would tell me that he had the sit down talk with them (when we got back together) and 'everything is all worked out and they know that our relationship takes priority.' He was VERY convincing, treated me well, kept plans and his promises. Apparantly this crappy 6 weeks is what it took for me to see his true colors with us being together every day, especially with SD here, then that's all I need to walk without doubt, guilt or any remaining feelings...there is no love here. I'm serious, he played this out to make it work to his advantage and I see it and don't care about him & his selfish motives, I'm out. The marriage will be annuled.

Congratulations!

ON your quick exit. Life is too short to stay in a miserable marriage.

Best of luck to you.

Id like to add that Im not one to "slut shame" a woman for dressing provacatively, but dressing that way and acting that way with HER FATHER, and he does nothing, and kisses her butt. Thats disgusting.

Good job getting your ducks in a row and leaving. Too many times I read a post where the person just found steptalk and has been in a miserable relationship for several years. So glad this post is not one of them!

Don't put up with it

Your situation sounds like mine a few years ago. I thought things were fine--until we got married, bought a house and SD24 moved in out of the blue. Here's somethings that I learned the hard way:

1) Don't discount your instincts. If you are weirded out by SD behavior and dress in front of her father, it is a problem. Tell him you will not live in a brothel and set some boundaries and stick to it.

2) Set boundaries in your own home. You and your DH bought a house, not you, DH and SD. She doesn't own it, she doesn't set the rules. Think about how you want your house to be, and be clear about not accepting anything less. I stopped cleaning because DH felt SD didn't need to clean up after herself. All I got was a dirty house. I like a clean home and clean kitchen. If SD cannot clean up and leave it clean after using the kitchen, then she is not welcome to cook.

3) DH isn't as darling as you think. He gets a lot of pleasure out of playing these weird games with his SD. Either he stops, or you will have to make a choice and leave. That is how I ended the constant games and SD nudity and secret conversations, and giggling and all the other stupid crap. Demand the respect and honor you deserve as a wife. Follow God's order, husband is to honor his wife and marriage first and kids second. After SD leaves all he has is you and if he has destroyed your relationship with disrespect and distruct there will be nothing left between you.

4) Make him stop sharing. Nothing that goes on between you two -- discussions, activities, etc should ever be shared with ANYONE else without your persmission. If he wants a close, intimate with his DD then leave him. You can't win at a good relationship with your DH if he violates your trusts and shares details with anyone, let alone his terrible kid.

You have to put an end to this non-sense and the only way is to starts setting boundaries and kick this SD out your house now. Don't wait until June. You own this house along with him and he doesn't get to set the rules. You must do that together and get agreement between you two, then go out to others with your shared plans and boundaries.

Good luck and put your foot down.

Nothing to add - this is perfect

You are the Queen, stand your ground and own your throne.

This is so over...

Thank you so much for sharing your insight and experiences! I'm sorry you had to deal with it too.

DH will NOT talk to her and does not have boundaries with her. DH and I have exhausted ourselves discussing the inappropriate dress and SD being lazy, leaving a mess, etc. during the past 6 weeks of us living here. He has done and said NOT ONE THING to her yet yells at me like a crazy man. Yes, the secret calls and convos behind my back...exactly the opposite of what he and I discuss and agree upon, he just can't help himself with her. He and SD have destroyed this sham of a marriage and it is far beyond repair. We had a talk in the kitchen last night, I initiated it, DH had such a RED face as I discussed with SD that her sexualized clothing around her father is inappropriate and unwelcome, how her ignoring me all these years was NOT resolved like DH told me (yes, I called him out, it's the TRUTH, which is what these people are NOT familiar with at all), and her continuing this ugly behavior towards me is noticed by me and will not be tolerated, and I told them that this is NOT a marriage and I cannot stay in a house where I am not welcome, where I am ignored and where DH is not manning up to take care of things that hurt and insult me. Then he tried to get cozy with me last night...because I'm the one being the man of the house? Sheesh! Oh, he announced that HE is the man of the house now...I told him I sure wish he would proclaim our marriage in such a noble manner, ha! It's all too late, he lied so much, I'm done. These two can have each other or he can be alone. I don't care. I'm glad I did have my voice last night.

So you got married and moved

So you got married and moved to a new town then moved in with him and his two grown daughters. Did you ever think that maybe there were enough women in the house already? Sounds like an incestual episode of Sister Wives. "Ohhhh...but it will all change when you move in." Lies ladies! These are LIES!!!

only one DaughterWife

The SD24 is his favorite! The SD20 moved far away from the dysfunction of DH and his ex and the favoritism DH has for SD24. I see the hurt, pain and rejection in SD20's eyes when she is also overlooked and ignored (when I have seen her).

He was living on his own (no

He was living on his own (no kids) since he was divorced 6 yrs ago. SD24 (his DaughterWife) needed to finish her undergrad degree and it was agreed between he and I that she could stay with us from January-May (when she graduates). We closed on the house at the end of Jan & got married a few days later, I moved in here early February and so it goes. The thing is, even in counseling, he agreed that he has 'talked to her about wearing inappropriate clothing around the house' and 'it won't be a problem, this is YOUR house and she needs to go by our house rules as a guest.' Several discussions and he remained constant on this. Then all that flew out the window after we married and I moved here in early Feb. Not ONCE has he stood by my side or had a talk with her with me being there...always their private little conversations that involved me...our home/house rules/behaviors/etc yet he continues to exclude me. I would tell him how disrespectful this is and he argues that this is his daughter and he will handle it. Nothing gets 'handled.' Nothing. I thought I could handle 4 months but she's not working (like she was supposed to) and does nothing all day. So as I was unpacking from the move, I'm just repacking and putting stuff in storage until I move in the next few days. SD20 lives 5 hours away in college and wants no part of any of this. I've observed her reactions and being ignored as DH and SD24 have their conversations, share ice cream, decide where to eat, where to go, what to do, etc. while SD20 and I just watch those two in their own little world! Glad I can escape the dysfunction.

I'm so glad that you are

I'm so glad that you are sticking to your guns and getting the hell out of there!

Yes, thank you!

My anxiety is over the top and I wake up at night planning what I need to take when the movers come. I have a list but really don't want a lot of expenses out of pocket for things that I brought into the marriage, I'm buying a couch tomorrow to have delivered to new apartment, I don't want anything he sat his a*s or her barely covered a*s on either!

I admire you

You are a wonderful example to all of us on this site in how not to be a victim. You quickly saw that he had mistrpresented himself to win you and that his sick relationship with his daughter was more important than your marriage. You sized up the situation and took appropriate action. Good for you! Five years of long distance dating doesn' t tell the whole story. People hide things and are duplicitious until they get what they want. Hold your head up high and move on. Next time around, when something doesn't feel right - trust you instincts and move on.Please let us know when you're settled in. We're all here to support you.

Over in a blink...

Thank you, his relationship with SD24 is way more important than with me or any wife. Just have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue for a few more days. The anxiety is overwhelming (internally) so I'm staying focused on getting things done around the house so the less I have to think to pack when the movers are here. Hugs

Dying to know...

I've been following this thread like a sad, sick novel. Did the movers come? Are you and your furbaby safe???

it's good

Yes, pup and I are fine, It is sick, I can't make this up, I don't do drama and this is DRAMA. When I update next week life will be back to my normal...beach time, fresh air, walking my pup, working the schedule I set and cooking. The earliest the moving company could schedule the move is Thursday, two days from now.

I had to consider the timing when DaughterWife would NOT be here. Spring break week now so student SD20 from out of town and DaughterWife and her bf left today to visit their mom, over 2 hours away, so no pop-in surprise visits from therm. DH works over an hour away so I'll be on the road to my new place (2 1/2 hours away) by noon on Thursday.

Again!

"Movers, when?" You wrote on March 7th that you were going to look at rentals. Shortly afterward, you found one. So please answer this question.

big move on Thursday, the earliest date I could get

the move is considered 'non-local' since it's 2 1/2 hours away so the moving company was able to do Thursday or Friday this week so I chose Thursday. Less than 48 hours away.

DaughterWife is here ALL the time so I wanted to make sure she was far far away and not interfere with the movers or what I need to do to roll out of here when the movers are here! I'm packing up boxes today and putting them in the garage in easy reach of the movers to grab and load. I was in the military 12 years and moved quite a bit so I'm used to making moves go quick and smooth as possible.

Please keep us all posted

Gotta admit, I'm a tad jealous. Your new life sounds so peaceful from this stephell so many of us live. I wish you nothing but the best! Please let us know that you get moved and all is well! Best of luck and hugs!

thanks!

I lived near the beach before moving here to hell 43 days ago. I have friends and support network near the place I'm moving. My onlhy family is my adult son who serves in the Air Force out of state. Thank you

ADVICE PLEASE

Ok, so the apartment where I'm moving is small, it will not accommodate my large armoires, new couch, leather recliner, and a large dining table. I am willing to just LEAVE it all here for him, I don't want the furniture or anything else he sat is a$$ on! I bought the nice quality furniture before I met him and really don't want it anymore after all this mess. So I text him today telling him I will leave the furniture (he will take anything free from anyone).

Last night he blew up again and said he'll move me as far as where I moved from (3 hours away) and I took him up on it. He said he would pay the movers. He texts me this afternoon telling me he won't pay the movers since I have disability income and have sold things on-line to downsize the past few weeks so "you can use that money to move."

Sooooo....I would rather burn the furniture than leave it to him...but the fire department would deem that crazy and dangerous! He doesn't deserve a damn thing. He earns a VERY decent salary and is nickle and diming me now.

Stupid...silly...whatever you want to call my question...go for it! Please tell me some ideas, my brain is exhausted.

15 hours until the movers are here, thank goodness!

I Have Donated To Paralyzed Veterans In The Past & They Will

Come pick it up. I'd rather a vet enjoy it than this sorry bunch.

You could also donate it to a women's shelter, or residential medical facility.

FB Marketplace works really good too. Thing sell really fast on there & people come and pick it up.

There are lots of options, just DO NOT LEAVE IT FOR HIM.

GREAT IDEAS!

Thank you so VERY much!! Great ideas!

xoxoxo

Donate it. Leave him with

Donate it. Leave him with whatever he had before you upgraded his life. Give it to a charity that can use it to benefit good people rather than leaving it to that POS;.

Here'san evil thought. . .

Here's an evil thought. . . Leave it there, but have the dog piss on it a time or two first!

Furniture

So SD has been placing her scantily clad a$$ on YOUR couch?!!! Geez! Do you really want to take it a new clean apartment - even if there WAS room for it? I agree with other posters - donate it and get some nice 'fresh' furniture without the 'history' attached to it. I'm STILL grossed out by this! Yuck!

Onward and upward, girl! You're setting a wonderful example for members who feel stuck in steph@ll.

Yes please, Olivia. I'm sure

Yes please, Olivia. I'm sure there are a few of us who'd like an update with all the details.

Congratulations on taking your life back!

You are here

Married 6 weeks & I just can't with SD's games