Future SM worried about establishing routines
I am engaged to a single dad of my future 2 SDs, 5 and 4. They are sweet girls overall, and have been through a lot - their dad was military, and their BM is still in the military, essentially across the world. After their divorce was finalized last year, their dad moved them back to be closer to his family and has full-time custody, with the BM having contact occasionally and visitation rights, but due to money and location, she rarely does.
Now, my fiancé has done a great job overall. His girls are independent and smart and funny. He has just recently got them enrolled in daycare, and finally found a job that fit with their daycare hours. He was house-hunting when the COVID crazy hit, and now is stuck at his sister's house with her family until he can find an apartment or home of his own.
He had a crappy childhood...his stepdad was abusive, smacked the kids around, they weren't allowed to have feelings essentially, etc. so while he knows it's important to have his kids have a better childhood than him, he sometimes misses common-sense things. For instance, if they start crying, he'll comfort them for a couple seconds, but quickly get frustrated if they are what he deems too dramatic. He also has a weird mix of structure and not. His girls mind well and rarely throw fits, but they also don't have any routine really, especially now. For instance, at bedtime, he'll tell them to go brush their teeth, and they...sometimes do, sometimes don't, sometimes throw toothpaste on the mirror; sometimes play with the water...he has no follow through. If we go out to eat, he'll let them stand up or become so focused on talking to me that he won't make sure they eat. I'll try to get them to sit down and eat, but of course, if he's not too concerned, they won't do it. He also doesn't make them stay super close in the grocery store or shopping. But, he also won't let them become unruly...he just doesn't seem to be super concerned with them following rules exactly.
he'll tell them it's time to leave somewhere and to get their shoes on, and they'll wander off. I should mention, he has Asperger's, so I think the follow through might be lost on him. But his girls are smart, when I asked the oldest why she wasn't putting her shoes on, she told me daddy always gets distracted so they can play longer.
I don't mind picking up some slack, organizing and making plans and following rules happen to be my jam 
but it's going to be difficult when we're all together to establish rules. Has anyone had any experience with this and have any tips or ideas?
One more thing...
I should also mention I struggle with knowing what's a "big" deal and what isn't. He'll let them wear the same clothes all the time, sometimes they're messy...but they're never dirty if that makes sense. They're cared for and clean and healthy...he just doesn't prioritize any kind of routine. Looks are a big deal for his ex, and she'll sometimes comment when their hair is messy on calls, etc. but he always tells her "they're being kids"!. I don't want to overstep that line either.
How old are you? I mean, you
How old are you? I mean, you might not "have kids of your own" yet, but, you know what should and shouldn't be done, right? It's not rocket science...
It sounds like they already know they can play him. Kids learn early.
Ultimately, you want to make sure things are "comfortable" for you. I can guarantee you won't be comfortable in a home that 2 girls have little in the way of structure, rules and consequences.
ETA: I really agree with above poster's suggestion to flee more than my own advice. But, you probably don't want to hear that.
ETA2: Structure, rules and consequences should be established PRIOR to you moving in and by DAD, not you.
I'm 32, he's 31.
I'm 32, he's 31.
I didn't mean the age
I didn't mean the age question in a snarky way... sometimes there are some young posters...
But, clearly you are recognizing things are not... well, quite as they should be. Have you adressed the issues with your SO? Does he seem receptive or defensive?
If you move in and all of a sudden there are rules and expectations the girls will pick up on the changes are due to you. Changes they probably are not going to care for initially. Things will not go well for you if that happens.
Step-families are difficult. Try to make it as smooth as possible.
Oh i know, I didn't take it
Oh i know, I didn't take it that way! :)
He is actually super receptive to my suggestions and ideas. It honestly is like he never had it modeled so a lot of it hasn't "dawned" on him if that makes sense. And, on the bright side, his girls are so fluid and good with change and new situations. I'm not naiive enough to think there won't be challenges and frustrations, but I do think it's possible.
God help you when they are in
God help you when they are in middle school.
Those were my SDs and DH when
Those were my SDs and DH when I met him. They were 7 and 9. No structure, routines, chores, etc. Ran wild. Food issues, hygiene issues. Ruining the rental house issues. My DH has ADD which makes it even harder.
I stayed and then found this site. I'm happy with DH. Here's some advice (and read my blogs, it's relevant).
- sit down and have serious talks with him about your expectations IF you move in (do not marry right away! I put off marriage with DH while we got some things satisfactorily sorted).
- get a parenting book and both of you read it (DH refused to do this, red flag).
- If you both agree on some things, you will also have to make concessions, then write them down. This means bedtime routine, bathing, clothing, laundry, mess clean up, cooking/grocery, etc. Yes down to the fine details.
- Make it clear that if he does not support YOU with agreed upon consequences if they don't do something they are asked, then you are done with helping. This is why you don't marry right away.
- Read the book Stepmonster.
- stay with this site, get help with specific situations. Not all posters will be your cup of tea but you will get good advice.
- Read up on disengaging but if your SO supports you properly as an adult authority figure you might not have to. But Do all the Above first!
- discuss finances and how it will work. Do not not combine your money! He pays for SDs, not you. They are above all not your kids or financial responsibility.
- you do not go to restaurants or other events with them unless he is prepared to have you give consequences, i. e. You and or everyone leaves immediately if they act up. I refused to go to restaurants with them for 1.5 years because of horrible behavior that was never corrected. I STILL don't like going to restaurants with them!!!
- I can tell you not all went great with my experience as a SM. I wish I had held harder at the start. I do not parent. I am disengaged. My OSD is parentally alienated from DH. DH doesn't understand how hard it is to be a SM.
Remember to communicate. It is entirely possible for someone to be a good person and spouse/partner but a terrible parent.
Very helpful, thank you so
Very helpful, thank you so much! A lot to think through and implement, appreciate the thoughtful response.
Hmmm.....
Hmmm.....
I've had multiple pediatric dentists tell me that most children will need assistance brushing their teeth until about the age of 9-11 years old. At 5 and 4, it's a big expectation to tell them to go do it and to have them do it correctly. That's probably the same with anything- you have to be there and watch them do it {and with toothbrushing, parents should still be physically helping at that age}. They probably don't want help so make a deal with them that they go first, then dad brushes for them, or vice versa.
Routines are extremely helpful and kids- all kids- thrive with them. Have you told him that? Maybe printing something out would be helpful.
I agree that it's a good idea to wait for marriage until some of these issues are resolved. My husband and I have different issues and sometimes I wonder why I let him move in with me when I saw glaring parenting issues that he wasn't willing to admit.
At the same time, just to give you perspective...you only have about 6 more years before these routines go out the window. At the age of 11 or so, kids start sleeping a lot less, staying up late, etc., naturally. It's just biology. Still, if the kids know they have the expectation of brushing their teeth in the morning, they'll be more willing to do it on their own even if it's on a different schedule.