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Raising a teenage step daughter

muscles9683's picture

Submitted by muscles9683 on Mon, 04/20/2020 - 8:04pm

I have a step daughter who is 17 now.  We have had issues over the years and I seem to be so lost.  My wife says I'm cold towards my daughter and seem to be heartless.  I have had a lot of built up resentment towards my step daughter for years.  I have been angry because both of us are alpha type personalities.  I feel as over the years she demanded so much of my wives attention and in turn she got it.  My wife and my step daughter are like best friends and I'm on the outside.  I personally over the course of 2 years could not stand my step daughter, she would walk in the room and my blood pressure would raise out of my anger.  I have had many disagreements with my daughter but sometimes of course I lose again.  Now it seems that myself and my step daughter are drifting apart.  At times I don't talk to her or she will walk in the room and you can just feel the tension.  My teenager is so so sentive over everything.  My wife and my daughters counselor said she should create boundaries.  My step daughter has taken that to a whole new level.  I ask a question or do something and she won't answer or will be rude saying 'oh I am not going to do that."  Can someone please help me?

 

Justin

Comments

Superman90's picture

Submitted by Superman90 on Mon, 04/20/2020 - 9:17pm

I am right there with you.  I have a 13 year old who EVERYTIME I disciple her or do not give her the option to do something I am the bad guy and I hate her and she doesn't feel "emotionally safe" with me.  EVERYTIME I talk to her or try to get close with her I say one thing she doesn't like or ask about her chores and it goes back to this and I am so done with it.  I don't know what to do because she always pushes me away and closes me out no matter if I am showering her in gifts trying to spend time with her or following her lead.  

muscles9683's picture

Submitted by muscles9683 on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 4:43am

I totally understand.  It has happened to me for years.  I have raised my step daughter for 12 years.  I married my wife while I was in the US Navy.  I have 5 awesome kids and my step daughter is one of them.  For me she says, its my tone,or my look, she could says something I don't agree with, I put in my opinion and her mother has most of the time agreed with her.  My wife says that I am rude to my daughter.  This summer, my wife and step daughter have started this new boundary thing.  Now that my SD is older my wife and her said I was controlling.  Didn't matter what it was that I said no to, I was in their eyes controlling.  How do you cherish a kid you can't stand?

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 12:26am

Her daughter but at no moment did she consider that her daughter’s unacceptable behaviour and her lack of parenting and establishing boundaries helped make it an easy decision for you to not like her kid.

i’ve been very vocal to my husband that i do not like any of his kids from exwife!! I know some will say don’t say that as your marriage is doomed but its a fact. Your kids are so disrespectful, self centred, abusive people to be around and you need to hear that people don’t want to be around them 

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 1:51am

Have you told your wife what you said here - ie that it feels like they are best friends and you are on the outside?  Your wife must bear some responsibility if she has behaved like this and she needs to look into that. On the other hand it could just be that you have a tendency to feel this way going back to your past - does this feeling of jealousy and being shut out remind you of any situation when you were a child?  If so it might be productive to explore this with a therapist. 

It seems that you and SD have got into a vicious circle and are unable to break out of it with each other.  Maybe if you made the first move towards her she might respond?  Not suggesting a big "come to Jesus" meeting - but maybe just some small kindnesses. 

muscles9683's picture

Submitted by muscles9683 on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 4:53am

There are so many reasons I am jealous or have had a resentment towards my SD.  First example when she was younger, she had to be the center of attention.  When she was a teen "like 12 or 13", anytime we had adult friends over my SD wanted to hang with us because my wife always treated my SD as a little adult and it pissed me off to no end.  My SD wouldn't like it if she had friends over and I was to hang out with them all the time.  When I lived overseas my SD learned how to play the ukulele, with that she would play as loud as she could and sing loudly.  Anytime I said, "hey babe you sound awesome but can you play in your room?"  She took everything so personal and my wife sided with her.  How can I feel that I am excited when she leaves my home but I don't want to say that to my wife and SD.

muscles9683's picture

Submitted by muscles9683 on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 4:58am

It has always felt that anytime I move towards her in kindness, it is not received.  I will make her coffee and walk in her room with it, I will ask a question here or there of how her day was.  But honestly, I know that there is a reason my wife and 2 step daughters came into my life.  My relationship with my other step daughter is awesome.  We go in the woods together, we will fish together, she will work in the woodshop with me.  My 13 year old step daughter and my relationship is so different than the oldest.  The 13 year old relates to me so well and she will open up and talk to me.  My 17 year old is like that with my wife.  My 13 year old doesn't talk to my wife on a very deep level.

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Submitted by Thefatherismyfamily on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 7:36am

I feel the same exact way with my SD15. I have learned to just ignore her like she doesn't exist. One time I was so good at ignoring her existence that I unintentionally forgot to include her on a Christmas activity. Joking aside, ignoring her and disengaging has worked wonders for me. It's taught her she's not the center of my world and it's liberated me from any sense of obligation or duty to the stepchild. Yesterday he father forward me an email that pertained to something she needed at school. I didn't even respond. Just ignored it. 

beebeel's picture

Submitted by beebeel on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 7:43am

So give her "boundaries." If she doesn't want to listen or respect you, she doesn't get to benefit from your generosity. Stop paying for makeup, clothes and whatever else they use you for. Her mom and dad can pay for these things. 

And if your wife throws a fit, tell her this is the result of her failure to parent and drag her to therapy with someone experienced in stepfamilies.