Finally left, but having a hard time...
Hi everyone, I haven't been here in many years (new username due to no longer have access to old email) but after a nearly 11 year relationship that I suffered with ex-wife and kid issues I have finally left and ended it about 6 weeks ago, but having a hard time even still now. I know in my head that its for the best, but can't seem to get my heart around accepting it, accepting the fact that I have been betrayed all these years and that the prior family is and was more important than me all along. Hoping to just get some support. Someone please talk some sense into me that I did the right thing as even my friends dont want to hear about it anymore or talk about my issues.
My BF and I were together for just under 11 years and although we didnt live together while the kids were young, now that they had grown up (boy 16, girl almost 18) we had started discussing moving in together. He had made several comments to me over the last year or so around logistics of it (how to accommodate double furniture, how to split bills, etc.). Once I finally wrapped my head around the idea and made the decision myself I tried to open up the line of communication in advance and he shut down completely. The main issues were the fact that just like I've seen here for a long time, he wanted to do what he wanted, when, how and why with regards to the kids. If they wanted to have parties, whenever they wanted to be there, however they wanted to act while there and even the fact that he said that likely they would move in with him once the youngest was 18 and he no longer had to pay child support as he didnt think that the ex would be able to afford to support them and stay in her house to accommodate 3 people any longer. Additionally, over the last ~6 months he had been doing a lot more for his ex...he regularly fixed things at her house, bought her things online when she asked, let her borrow whatever she wanted from him, accommodated her whines and whimpers whenver he thought it was appropriate no matter how it affected us or our plans and I also just found out right when we were breaking up that he was doing her taxes for her this year! Of course there is always an excuse that he wanted to make sure that they were done right since they split the reufnd for the kids, but at the same time stated that her taxes were so easy to do, so if they were, why couldnt she do them? When I found out late last year that all of this communication and being "friendly" was going on, he locked down everything that he owned (phone passcode, put a passcode on his computer, ipad, etc.) so that I couldn't see what they were doing when I used his devices. He swore up and down that he only did it because he didnt want to cause an arguement and that he has 0 interest in her, but I still feel very uncertain about that.
Anyway, sorry to make this longer than it needs to be, but after him refusing to talk to me about a month ago over the future of our relationship, I left his house without any further discussion. He called me 2 1/2 weeks later (!!!!) to try to talk at that time and I told him I didnt want to do it anymore. I didnt want to be the last priority in his life as obivously his kids, his ex-wife and himself were before me, I didnt want to live out of a suitcase forever when I would stay at his place about 3 long weekends out of every month and just overall didnt like how he was treating me. So while all of this sounds easy to understand and perfectly justified over a reason for a breakup, its still very difficult to wrap my head around the fact that a nearly 11 year relationship is over and the fact that he still couldnt or wouldnt make any concessions for me. How can someone stay in a relationship with me for that long without caring?
I'm nearly 50 years old myself and yes while I know there are likely other men out there, from my brief visits to dating sites just to see what was out there and give me some hope, I'm not getting a good feeling about it. I guess I just have high expectations of finding someone around my age that I am physically attracted to, doesnt have kids, lives in or around my small town and that I have things in common with. Additionally we have A LOT of friends in common which means a lot of social events that go on that I will likely have to see him at and see him with a future girlfriend.
So again if you have read this far, thank you. I'm sure there are others here that have likely gone through the same thing so any stories of getting through this hard time would be appreciated, or even confirmation that I really did the right thing instead of acting harshly out of hurt and anger might help.
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Comments
So Sorry
You definitely made the right decision to walk away. Of course you are going to be hurt. Be thankful that you found out before moving in. Seems like he hasn't let go of his ex. You definitely deserve better. Hang in there. It will get better and he will be a faint memory. Perhaps talk with a counselor that can help you sort out your feelings. Best of luck!
Awe! Hang in there!
You are thinking of the fantasy life you could have had. It wasn't reality. Reality is what you wrote above. That dreamy fantasy narrative in your head is just your mind playing tricks with you.
You deserve better than to be the 4th in line. If he doesn't see that, then you have dodged a bullet!
Hugs!
What your feeling now does
What your feeling now does hurt and it may also seem confusing. "Why don't I feel happier" ??? " I left, so I should feel better NOW"
You will, give it time.
It is important to "FEEL" some sadness, some grief of letting go, a little uncertainty and maybe moments of angry. You may also have moments of relief too. THEN it is back to sadness, grief etc.
Your could consider just a few sessions with a therapist as you navigate and walk thru these emotions.
I am sorry your hurting now...
There is light at the end of this tunnel.
Please stick around on ST. I know you can help others. Or at least lend an ear.
Grief
Im sorry you are going through this - I know it is REALLY difficult (especially right now - or maybe not!) to think of letting go. The years that you spent in this painful relationship, how you were treated like the last priority, everything - thats part of the grieving process - sorting through all the issues and of course thinking of what you think you could have had.
We all go into this with the best of intentions and highest of hopes. To see them all come crashing down, peice by agonzing piece, its devastating. Allow yourself the time to get through this - do not try dating at this time.
You did the right thing - you know this. For all the reasons you detailed above. You were his mistress and he never really left his ex. Im in my 50's and I am married. But I am not afraid of starting over if I need to, Ive done it so many times.
Repeat to yourself - "its better to be alone that with a f@ckwit, cheater who lies to me, and hides things from me" because him doing so much for ex is emotional infidelity, especially since hes hiding and taking away passwords.
Much better being on your own. And easier since you did NOT move in (dodged a bullet!) and have no kids together and no big gatherings are happening right now...
Take this time to sort things out, and best of luck. Please dont go back to this!!!
Thank you everyone! It
Thank you everyone! It definitely does help to hear that I did the right thing and that everything I am going through is normal, no matter how much it hurts. The poster that said that it took her months to get over her ex really helped to give a normal timeframe as well as I continually fight to not email him on a daily basis and its been 6 weeks. I need to get to a point where I dont care anymore and even with being so angry now I still have a feeling to want to reach out. I still dont get, but maybe I never will how someone can spend nearly 11 years with someone and not love them enough but then again I'm not in the other person's mind...it just doesnt make sense to me. I guess I also have to let go of trying to explain someones behavior to myself because no matter how much I try, it doesnt work. No matter how much I try to put myself in someone elses shoes to try and understand, I still dont!
I will continue to stay around and try to interact more because reading horror stories about others kids and partners may also help to realize that I truly dont want to go back to that! *ok*
Narcissistic
Try researching a bit about narcissisists. They lack empathy and caring. The care only for themselves. There are a lot of details in your story that fit...
Hi! My relationship was only
Hi! My relationship was only 11 months but ended too exactly 6 weeks ago. In my moments of weakness and sadness I come here and read the horrible stories and it´s so conforting! The best therapy! One day we will laugh a lot about this! A big hug from an ex doormat to another!
Looking back now, the reasons
Looking back now, the reasons why I wanted to go back had nothing to do with wanting to go back to the man I was ACTUALLY married to. I wanted to go back to the IDEA of the man I was married to, because he wasn't always awful. I thought that going back would change him because he "promised" to change (our last encounter proved quite the opposite and that it was just lip service).
But I also wanted to go back because I liked being a wife. I liked feeling needed. I liked having my own home (I was young and moved back in with my parents after divorcing, which was very helpful for both them and me). I liked having someone to come home to. I liked my routine. I liked all the comforts that came with being a married adult.
And I felt a lot of guilt for hurting him. For "dropping a bomb" on him (though he should have known we were headed that way because I had talked about it). For taking away half his income (joint accounts, ugh). For making him live in a friend's second bedroom on an air mattress.
But what I wanted were things that didn't exist, and the things that did exist came at a very steep cost. Staying with him meant no possibility of kids of my own, likely never owning a home, likely moving to the other side of the country away from my family forever (not a pleasant thought at the time), likely never being financially stable as a couple, and likely never feeling important because someone or something would always be more important.
I almost took him back, but he acted like his real self around me, and I woke up out of that haze with a snap. He harrassed me to come back until he found a new GF, then he dropped off the planet (the irony of that is he told me he wished he dated more before we got married, but he got remarried within 2 years and his wife was his 2nd GF ever, me being 1st).
Ultimately, I think we did love each other, but love isn't enough. We only ever really tolerated each other's presence because we weren't compatible as partners. That bred a toxic/abusive relationship that should have NEVER turned into a marriage.
Love is not enough. You can love someone endlessly, but that doesn't mean you can turn it into a functional relationship. It's possible that he did/does love you, but other things take priority over that love. That has nothing to do with you and your worth. That's just him and how he operates.
If it takes you months to be okay, then it takes you months. I highly recommend finding a counselor to talk things through with. I recommend cutting off all contact with your ex and blocking him on social media. I recommend going out with friends and keeping a wide berth if he happens to also be present. If he tries to engage, ask him to stop or politely leave (I had to do this with someone at a pretty intimate gathering who was trying to explain to me why our friendship ended, and I eventually bluntly told her that it didn't matter and this wasn't the time or place to discuss it). I recommend going out and making NEW friends and finding new hobbies. It all sounds very cliche, but I find it helps.
Wow I don't know you but I'm
Wow I don't know you but I'm proud of you! You should be really proud of yourself for leaving too. You 100% did the right thing. There are a lot of reasons we stay in those types of relationships. Most of us are empathetic, kind, giving, and hard working. You were hanging on to potential. To the micro changes he might have made. To the attraction. And he was able to make you feel like it's ok for him to take and you to give.
Best thing to do right now: journal all of the shitty things he's done to you. In detail. If you start to question whether you did the right thing, read that list. And read all of the comments in this post. Come to this site and write how you feel. You have so much support here.
Remind yourself that it's normal to feel sad and down after the end of any relationship, no matter how shitty you were treated. Let yourself feel sad. Remind yourself that you're letting go of a previous life, which is hard to do. You're also mourning the potential that you kept holding on to. Just remember potential is not reality. He was never going to reach it.
I'm so glad you left because you deserve a hell of a lot better. That guy is a piece of human waste for taking advantage of you. He was way enmeshed with his ex, put you last, and strung you along. Don't immediately look for the guy to replace him because if you don't find a perfect fit you'll start thinking your ex wasn't so bad. Just focus on you and keeping yourself busy with connecting with friends and family (over video chat), working on projects, doing creative things, and things you've been wanting to do but felt like you couldn't while you were with your ex.
By the time this isolation lifts, it will be like coming out of a cocoon as a brand new person! I'm cheering for you.
Leaving
Separating, then finally divorcing my ex was tough. Really tough. It took me years to get over it. I used to ask myself all the time: "why am I not good enough for him to WANT to make me a priority in his life?"
It took some time (and during that time I dated a lot of men who really were not right for me..and quite frankly, I wasn't ready) to realize that we just were not right for each other. He just wasn't the man for me. It wasn't because I wasn't good enough. It was because we just weren't the right match. That simple. We tried. I tried. I really really tried. Then I just shut down. We fought a lot. It was soul crushing.
I'm over it. Over him. I have no regrets or sadness that it ended.
You will survive this. You really really will. It just takes time. You'll have good days and bad days. Days filled with lonliness and days where you think: "thank GOD its over".
Hang in there. Reach out to us when you're feeling like you want to jump back into that hell, because we'll bring you back to your senses.