I can't live with SS but DH forced me to like him
Hi everyone I'm new here and I need to have some inputs. First of all, english is not my primary language so I hope you can be understanding *biggrin*
Background: married with my DH for 2.5 years and have a 1 year old BS together. DH has a 15 y/o son with his ex-gf (both were never married). When we used to date, he told me a few times that his son was a product of accident with his gf which he dated for only 1 month. That statement somehow always lingers in my brain.
However, I didnt have any problems with SS when his dad and I were dating. Things started to change when I was pregnant so I was thinking it was just the hormone. But when he turned to be a teenager, I started disliking him. I see him as a very lazy and disrespectful boy. He always eats in his room, lunch and dinner. I actually feel uncomfortable with that, at least for dinner, I think we should all sit together. That's how I tried to create a family but finally DH said that's his habit, when he grew up with him (DH and BM were separated when SS was 2 y/o), DH always let SS eat by himself so pretty much SS never eats on the dining table unless there is special occasion. Ok so I gave up forcing that idea to him. I though will not my toddler have that kind of habit.
And then 4 months ago, SS got busted bringing marijuana to school and his grade started falling. DH trieds to discipline him but he threatened him he wanted to die, he started to cut his wrists many times and it made my husband scared to discipline him. He was tested for 3 months in a row and all turned positive. That means he took drugs over and over again. DH wanted to take his cellphone as a consequence but SS never wants to give it. Last month, I helped DH to get the cellphone and SS just call me a bitch instead. I got so angry with I really wanted him to disappear. DH asked him to apologize and he did. But I dont think he meant it.
Now everytime he came over, I got so anxious. I want to cry out loud I dont like this situation. DH saw that I got upset with SS's visitation. I said I dont feel comfortable yet with him here and DH reminded me that I took an oath to accept him which means I have to accept SS. I said I needed some space from SS, I still cant get over someone call me a bitch. And now with coronavirus, he was bringing SS here, I just need to be more cautious. I wear mask in the house and my DH dont like it. He said it is his son and I am being so unwelcoming. Well, his BM works still works 2 different jobs and is it wrong if I'm being more cautious when someone else coming over to our house in the middle of pandemic? DH got upset and said HE IS NOT SOMEONE ELSE, HE IS MY SON! I was like "I know he is your son, does it mean he is immune to the virus?"
I'm sorry I dont know what to do. I cant bear living under one roof with SS. I love my husband so much but not SS. Especially I saw a pic of DH and his ex (bio mom) on a christmas party right before we got married. Yes, I went to vegas with my family and found out that DH spent christmas with his ex and took a picture like they are happy family. It happened a couple days before we changed our vows. This angers me so much. Please help I dont know if I'm being logical or not. *fool*
Welcome to the site!
I took a decision about a year into the relationship with my DH to disengage from his two daughters, and I have never regretted it. You might want to take a look at the section here about disengaging. What do you mean by "you took an oath to accept SS"? If you mean your marriage vows - then no, there is nothing about this. This boy is not proving easy to love or even like - do we often like people who call us nasty names, take a lot of drugs and won't eat dinner with us? The boy sounds troubled and that he may need professional help. How often does he come to your house? And how long is he there at a time?
I meant wedding vow. I vowed
I meant wedding vow. I vowed to accept my DH and according to him, i should accept SS too. He actually had some theraphy before all this quarantine and he said that he didnt like it because the therapist pointed some things he didnt like. E.g. trying to kill himself so that DH couldnt discipline him means that he was blackmailing DH. He didnt like it and didnt want to go to therapist anymore. So now DH thinks that he is getting better and i should welcome him back.
Truat me, i want to. It is just not easy for me to forget i was called a bitch and how he was so disrespectful. Eveb then, i still dont trust him now.
During his last visit, i tried to disengage. Dont want to eat dinner together? Fine. Dont want to wash your dishes? I dont care. Dont want to talk to me? Whatever. I just complain 1 thing to DH, because he grabbed food from freezer and just left all the trash on the table instead of throwing them to trash can. DH didnt like it, he said i nitpicking. Alright no rules in the house then!
DH usually has him 3 days per week but after his last incident of calling me that, he hadnt come for almost a month until yesteeday.
Can you please tell me more about how you disengage? Is your DH ok with that?
I disengaged before I knew
I disengaged before I knew there was a word for it. I never told DH I was doing it as I didn't know I was doing it myself at that point! I stopped talking to the SDs beyond very trivial, civil enquiries as to their wellbeing when they arrived etc, and very small amount of talk at the dinner table. I got DH to cook them most of the meals as although I am a good cook, they used to push it around the plate and leave it. I didn't involve myself in disciplining, guidance etc and I didn't involve myself in activities at the weekend, since younger SD would always sabotage it when I went along. It meant that I felt lonely and sidelined EOW but it was a price I felt was worth paying. They are now adults in their mid 20s and I see them a few times a year. DH takes them for coffee or lunch (or did before the lockdown) every few weeks or so. I don't generally go along but maybe very occasionally at Xmas or other special occasions. I did not go to SD25's graduation.
Everyone needs to craft their own disengagement - there is no one size fits all - you just have to work out what will work for you. It didn't affect my marriage particularly - DH has always known I don't care for his daughters - and they have gone through stages of being immensely unlikeable so he understands, on the whole. I would say I get on better with them now than I used to - as they've grown up a little bit and don't fall for all NPD BM's PASing.
So you made an oath to DH?
So you made an oath to DH? Was it a weirdly one sided oath? What did he promise in return? To accept, support, love and cherish? Any of those? He'd be failing at his side of the bargain as a partner and failing as a parent
I meant wedding vow. DH said
I meant wedding vow. DH said that because i vowed to accept him, i should accept SS too. I want to. I want to love him but it is sooooo hard. O my god i didnt realise it would be this hard. If i knew this i wouldnt marry him in the 1st place. God i feel awful to think about that i love him so much i even want to have another child with him but everytime i see SS i couldnt stand this feeling of anger and dissapointment and resentment.
Youi might remind him of his
Youi might remind him of his own wedding vows - didn't he promise to love, honour, and cherish you? Time he started actually taking his vow seriously...
Do i deserve that? At this
Do i deserve that? At this point i dont know if i'm still being logical and my resentment towards SS is valid. Or i'm being dramatic because i cant see SS's face. Everytime i see him, i think about how his mom and DH had fun together. I asked him if i could just stay somewhere else eveytime he visits, DH doesnt like that idea.
Is it too evil if i dont want to see SS again? Does this woman still deserve to be loved, honoured and cherished?
Set aside this whole idea of
Set aside this whole idea of "deserving" (which is a pretty typical sign of someone who has been gaslighted) and ask yourself what he promised in his vows. How dare he hold you to something you didn't even promise (accepting his brat and all his nonsense) when he isn't holding up his end of the vows?
And you don't need your DuH's permission to be somewhere else when his son is around so stop asking and start just doing. Take back your life.