HELP!
My husband told me today that he is going to divorce me. With everything going on right now, it is not possible to move on it so we will co-habitate. I am struggling so much - I love my husband dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. At the beginning of our relationship, we went through a lot of bull**** with my family (parents, siblings). They don't like him, didn't accept him and pretty much cut me out of their lives. They were extremely toxic. This is still an area of contention for him as I have re-established a relationship with my parents but it doesn't involve him or his kids. It also took me way too long to address things - I mean, it was pretty horrible all the things they did and I was so ineffective dealing with it.
Now, its the kids, specifically my 16 year old daughter. She is very introverted, doesn't talk to most of us and makes my husband and step daughter feel ill at ease. My husband says he is tired of feeling un welcome in his own home. My daughter is very socially awkward but yet again, I have failed to really address this. Now my younger daughter is starting to model.
So, now my husband says he does not see this going anywhere but divorce. He doesnt respect me and resents me right now. I need to fix this, he is my best friend and I love him dearly. HELP!!!
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Sometimes,
There is just too much water under the bridge.
I feel like this may be just to far gone, Men ponder these decisions for a long time and if hes approached the idea of divorce id argue its gone to far to save.
The foundations of this relationship from what youve mentioned dont seem to be very strong and too much time and drama has happened to address that.
If i have learnt anything from failed relationships, there is no amount of begging and pleading that will save this marriage.
Hold your head up high, take your girls and let him go. If he doesnt see enough value in you to work it through, youve in reality lost nothing worth keeping.
He may have mentally checked
He may have mentally checked out for a while.
You haven’t said if he has approached a solicitor already, and you haven’t said if you have tried counselling.
Counselling may help you deal with this difficult situation, and there may be some possibility that your husband might agree to go to couples counselling with you if that were something you would consider.
Some people won’t agree to go (which of course is up to them), and some people may change their mind about going after a few months etc.
I think it would be sensible to have some support network in place for yourself.
He won't go to counseling - I
He won't go to counseling - I know this. What needs to be fixed is me, not us. I have let issues persist to the point that he is where is right now. He plans to call a realtor tomorrow to see about putting the house up for sale. That kills me - we fought so hard for this hard and have put so much work into it. He thinks that if we live apart for two years until my older daughter graduates, there could be a chance for us to reconnect
If you are madding him feel unwelcome in his home
That the first major thing to address. You must do doing or not doing something to make him feel this way. Your kids will be on there own in a few years. So you must put your effort into DH. A little alone get away. Date night once a week.
your kids are old enough To be on the own a few days.
Except he doesn't want my
Except he doesn't want my kids here at all, at least not my 16 year old. We have days when we don't have the kids and all is good. But, as soon as they are back, it is not. He doesn't want to make me choose between him and my daughter but I know that if my daughter went to live at her dad's house, this would all be better. I cant banish her though
If you want to see if it can
If you want to see if it can be fixed, I'd do the following:
1.) Ask your DH to go to counseling with you, then YOU put the leg work into researching counselors, preferably that have dealt with toxic in-laws and blended families. Present the list to him with information about each counselor and let him rank/choose two that he's interested in.
2.) Find yourself a personal counselor separate from the marriage counselor to figure out why you don't address issues until it comes to a head. Find one who specializes in toxic family dynamics. Do this regardless of whether he divorces you or not.
3.) Cease contact with your family for the time being. I wouldn't tell them why, but I'd go quiet with them.
4.) Since you all are going to keep living together for a while, find out from your DH what behaviors your daughter displays that irritates him and correct them if he is truly justified. If she refuses to say hello to him or engage in conversation, that's not socially awkward; that's rude. Y'all live together. The rules for how she engages with strangers or in large groups is different than with people in the household. If he's upset that she doesn't chit-chat with him but she is otherwise polite, he has to be the one to let that go.
I'm saying all of this assuming that he's not a controlling jacka$$ and just a fed-up man who is tired of having your extended family sh*t all over him and then gets the cold shoulder from your daughter(s). But, if there is a history of abuse, gaslighting, or controlling behavior, then start your exit plan and get away from this guy.
husband or daughter?
I am debating right now if I have my daughter live with her dad o'n a permanent basis. I know she doesn't like her step dad, I'm not sure if she ever has. He expects a lot more out of everybody and she doesn't want to engage at all. I have not dealt with things as I should have - I have tried many things. I had her in counseling, I have tried talking and journaling with her, I have given her more wiggle room than I should have because I am afraid of damaging her psyche. Now, the question is - she doesn't want to really have anything to do with my husband and his kid and the behavior is rubbing off on her sister. How do I deal with this? I don't want to choose between my husband and my daughter but is my daughter forcing me to? Do I have her stay at her dads and pick her up from there to spend time with her? Maybe stay at my parents with her some weekends so we can spend time together? And then, eventually, could she come back to my house? Very tough decisions, any advice would be very apprecaited.
It is sometimes not possible
It is sometimes not possible to keep everyone happy. You need to focus on the best possible outcome for yourselves, and perhaps if you have been a passive decision maker in the past (ie did you let your family take decisions out of your hands by waiting to long to state your opinion), maybe learn to speak up when you need to.
You seem be seeking a right solution, when only you can do this by speaking to your husband.
Sometimes people need to speak to each other and agree to conditions they can both work with, and this can take many many attempts.
I'm curious - what is it that
I'm curious - what is it that your family doesn't like about your DH?