The using game that happens when you're a step parent
Forums:
Anyone else experienced the using and manipulation that occurs when you sign up for a life of step parenting? Financial and otherwise? What about the low key emotional abuse that goes on if you don't comply? Thoughts?
Me personally with step kids?
Me personally with step kids? Never once. But I watch my DH experience that all day every day from his kids.
Now with my own kids? I absolutely experience this.....they also use and manipulate me with the famous "I'll just go live with dad" if I don't comply.
I was thinking about divorced
I was thinking about divorced people with kids who get into relationships with childless people for financial motivations. They are always hitting up their partners for money for their kids who aren't even theirs, and for their house bills.
Yes, we see that frequently
Yes, we see that frequently on here.
Here is a recent example:
https://www.steptalk.org/blog/skidsarekillingme2/when-someone-shows-you-...
Welcome to the site!
Haven't experienced this myself, but would you care to share some of your story? Then people here would be in a better position to comment.
I was with someone for
I was with someone for several years who was divorced and had children. In hindsight I do believe I was taken advantage of financially by this person. When I stood up for myself I was discarded and replaced immediately. I did take notice that this person took zero responsibility for their financial situation. I also noticed they took zero responsibility for the situation their kids were in. Their kids were entitled, spoiled, ill mannered, lazy, pushy, had issues with other kids at school, etc. an all too common result of a broken home and lax parenting. They were not bad kids, just a result of the broken relationships and poor parenting. Their bio parent has been with 3 different relationships men within a period of 6 years, 2 of them living at her residence with her kids at different times. The bio parents get a pass when it comes to their poor choices it seems.
Hey!, you don't have to tell
Hey!, you don't have to tell me that. I know exactly what you mean.
ETA: BM and bio-dad generally do get pass after pass on their behaviors, particularly BM. A SM will get little to none. BM and bio-dad chose to divorce. They made that decision for them and for their children. We all know that divorce is very hard and difficult on families, and it is, unquestionably so. Yet, if you are one of the ones lucky enough to date or marry one of these divorced people with children, and especially if you have no children of your own, YOU are going to be expected to pay a price, a very high one, that’s for sure. You are going to be expected to look completely the other way, for instance, while your husband and his ex- and his kids all play happy together. And, you as a SM, a/k/a the bios’ be.atch, had better butt out, that’s for sure. You and your DH could be husband and wife for years and years; yet, if BM wants to take your “wife” spot, next to her ex-, at SD’s wedding, for instance. So be it! No permission needed from you nor your own husband. When you glance over to DH, as if to say, “What the H-?,” your DH’s balls will magically drop off and find their way into BM’s purse. DH will turn away and look at the ceiling. The thought by many is that it is never BM’s nor DH’s nor anyone else associated with the initial familly’s fault. Instead, it is SM’s fault for not going along with “the plan.” If SM isn’t willing to go along with "the plan" (the plan is to be pretend the divorce never happened), it is SM’s fault for having too high of expectations.
If you and your DH are both divorced with children, then at least there is some sort of reciprocity going on—some sort of equal benefit and some sort of equally getting screwed. However, if you have no children of your own (only DH does, for instance), there is absolutely nothing going on to counter the above. If your DH is enabling to his ex-, for instance, and his children’s demanding behavior, then, yep!, you’re just screwed. At best, you’ll be doing 75% of the giving and DH and his will be doing 75% of the taking.
People talk a lot about splitting and separate accounts, etc., as being some sort of solution. However, you cannot break what is supposed to be a loving partnership down to simple mathematics. It all comes down to your DH—if he has your back or not or throws you under the bus. It depends on whether he sees you as his love and life partner vs. as a free babysitter, maid, taxi, bank, someone to make HIS life easier for him, and so on. You’d truly think that a man with children who finds a woman without kids would think he just hit the lottery, wouldn’t you? I mean, come on? Here is this woman who is agreeing to help you with children, your children, that aren’t even yours. Yet, too often what the bio does in this situation is instantly take it for granted and become a couch surfer or shopper while his/ her partner is expected to take over raising and even providing for, to a degree, the kids. You bet I get it, and a lot of SMs do.
I'm totally experiencing this
I think someone else shared my post about it. I've been married twice and both situations led to some version of this. So I think it is pretty common (or maybe it is just my bad choices lol) I divorced by 1st husband after his oldest sons wedding when it became obvious this would never change. I helped pay for the rehearsal dinner but I was invisible in photos and any speeches or announcements of parents (SDad and his family were involved in all of it). Even though my daughter was one of the flower girls...It was the last staw.I asked for a change made a boundary and he was not on board.
My current situation is similar (read previous post) and I'm currently in the midst of making boundaries and refusing to pay for things BM won't pay for. It has created lots of conflict but so far seems to be ending in DH getting a second job to cover BM's expenses so I'm feeling hopeful. He is out today finishing a tile job that will cover her costs. I'm digging in because I can't sacrifice in this way anymore. It feels good to stick up for myself but it isn't easy becasue I want to help SD13 and DH, but I don't want to pay for what a parent won't that is too far.
Yep! You combine this: There
Yep! You combine this: There is a complete lack of recognition of SM’s true role, and that is as dad’s wife or SO. You’d think it would be obvious, wouldn’t you? Dad and SM are married, for instance. They are husband and wife, and thus, like every other husband and wife, have the expectation that they will be treated that way when they attend events, have people over to their home, etc. But, NO. Most people tend to think of SM instead, as either sloppy seconds, dad’s ho, concubine, or mistress. Instead, BM is seen as the clear and always #1 wife. Thus, whenever BM is around, and esp. with the SKs, BM gets to dictate who sits with whom, who gets to come, etc. Again, most societies, as a whole, expect bio-dad to lick BM’s boots and for SM to ever-be-cowering, out of fear of BM. Any SM who challenges this, well. . . she’ll be put in her place, that’s for !#$!@#$ sure. Lock her in the janitor’s closet!
With this: The difference between how SMs are generally treated vs. step-dads is huge. There are many reasons for this. One is, of course, that step-dads are connected to the ever-noble BM vs. the ever-dumb and dumber bio-dad. Thus, step-dads get to walk their step-daughters down the aisle, while SMs had better make themselves scarce at any of the SKs’ weddings, lest she “justifiably” gets locked in the janitor’s closet. That’s just the way it goes.
And that is the cultural truth. That is what you get, unfortunately. Just as what went on for you: “I divorced by 1st husband after his oldest son’s wedding when it became obvious this would never change. I helped pay for the rehearsal dinner but I was invisible in photos and any speeches or announcements of parents (SDad and his family were involved in all of it).” Actually, I’d say my situation at SD’s wedding was even worse, but I won’t go there.
Nonetheless, I’m so glad you are sticking up for yourself now!, and things with your current DH seem to be improving.
I'm a childless StepDad and
I'm a childless StepDad and no. I would never tolerate it. My DW was the 100% physical and legal custody CP. SS knew living with the SpermClan was never going to happen and was far past intelligent enough to know it would be a disaster if it ever happened. He saw the differences in his life in comparison to the lives of his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas and wanted no part of that beyond visitation.
When DH and I were first together
due to his divorce, cs and custody battles galore, I ended up paying the lionshare of the household expenses. As time wore on, the battles lessend and DH's salary increased, I was still paying the lionshare of the expenses. I was increasing becoming bitter and resentfull. I finally, mentioned it and it has not occured to DH that he should be paying more. I pointed out that he paid Beaver more money every month than me for the expenses and I was very very bitter. The light bulb went off and he immedately doubled what he was giving for the expenses.
That being said, never did DH ever expect me to pay for clothes, trips, shoes, extracurriculars for the skids, nor did I expect DH to pay any of that for my kids. WE have a yours, a mine and an ours account so that we each are in control of our own money.