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How do you justify one lazy SKid?

Mommatron's picture

I don't know what to do about my step son anymore. I've been with my husband for four years. My stepson is now 12. He is here every other weekend, and six weeks in the summer. My husband has a daughter who is 14 as well, and she's here the same amount of time. I have two biological daughters ages 10 and 11, and my husband and I have one son together who is one. My stepdaughter who is 14 is wonderful. I love her like my own and she gets along great and fits into our family wonderfully. She's helpful and I have no complaints. None of them are perfect children. My kids get in trouble too. My two daughters and our one-year-old son together live here full-time. My husband works 14 hour days five days a week, and this week his kids showed up for our six weeks for the summer. They have been here two days and I'm already losing my freaking mind. My stepson does not respect me in the least. He ignores anything I tell him to do. We have a farm, so we have a lot of animals to take care of. My 10 and 11-year-old daughters take care of the animals full-time during the year. But when my step kids are here I expect them to help. Today my stepson who is 12 was tasked with feeding the goats. He lied and said he did it, and then later my 11-year-old daughter came and told me that she is the one who did it because he didn't. You can't just not feed animals. They will die. He is 12 and he knows that.  Then I asked him to sweep the kitchen floor because they've been tracking dirt in the house all day, he swept about 3 square inches of it and then told me he was done and just vanished I was dealing with the baby and didn't have time to go after him.  He literally argues with people all day long and if you ask him to do anything it's a huge battle. If I want him to put his clothes away in his dresser I literally have to stand in his doorway and watch him do it or it won't get done. Again, he is 12. TWELVE!!!  This is absurd. My two daughters have been doing basic things like this for years. And yes, sometimes they lie and sometimes they don't do a good job and I have to get on them. They're still kids. My stepson also sneaks food even though he has been told numerous times that he is allowed to have something if he just asks. He will literally get up at two in the morning and raid my kitchen and take everything to his room and then I will find wrappers of all kinds of things Stashed around the house. It only happens when he is here.  Tonight I went to get a drink out of the refrigerator in my bare feet, and when I stepped on the rug in front of the fridge my foot was soaking wet. Somebody had spilled an entire pitcher of lemonade all over my kitchen floor and the rug was completely soaked and the whole floor was sticky. There were dirty footprints all over it. These kinds of things do not happen when my stepson is not here. And he has a habit of spilling things because he is very clumsy. I can't tell you how many times he spilled drinks on my kitchen floor in front of us, and he has to be told to clean it up because he will just leave it there. So I know it was him. I brought all four kids into the kitchen and asked who did it and they all told me none of them did it, but I know all of our children and I know it was him. He wouldn't make eye contact with me and he darted out of the room to his bedroom. I got mad and started cleaning up the mess, my daughters could tell I was mad and offered to help. Meanwhile my husband started making comments about how he should just send him back to his moms because he's not wanted here and some other nonsense like that.  That's his go to. He always brings that up and says things like that whenever I get mad about my stepson doing things. He literally destroys my house. He has no respect. I've been picking up those free school lunches, and in the two days that they have been here there are like 100 empty school milk carton's all over my backyard. My daughters don't drink milk outside so I know they didn't do it.  He leaves his clothes all over my bathroom floor and water all over the floor, he leaves towels all over the house. He will eat lunch and leave all of the stuff at the table like I'm his maid and I'm supposed to clean up after him. I am on him all day every day making him do things to clean up after himself.  We are constantly buying him new shoes because he leaves his out in the rain and they get ruined. Or he'll lose one of them and doesn't know where it is. His socks all have holes or stains of black mud because he runs around the backyard with no shoes on. I am so tired of wasting money on this kid because he doesn't respect anything.   It's getting really old. I have six more weeks of this to deal with. I'm going to lose my mind. My husband constantly just makes comments about how my daughters must be perfect then and then we only have these problems when his son is around so everything is his sons fault. He's very sarcastic about it. I think he has dad guilt majorly.  I like the idea of disengaging from him but it's not fair to the other kids. So I'm supposed to let the only boy sit in his room and do whatever he wants all day while the three girls do all the farm chores and clean up the house and help around the yard? That's not fair. Why does one kid get to get out of doing things but the other ones have to do stuff? And I'm not raising my kids to be a bunch of lazy loser so they're going to do chores. I am sick and tired of fighting with this kid. I am sick and tired of having to stand there and monitor everything he does all day. I have a one-year-old and I'm a full-time student, I don't have time for this nonsense. I'm home all the time now because of the pandemic, but my husband is working longer hours. So he's never here. By the time he gets home at night the kids go to bed about an hour later  He doesn't even spend any time with them. I can't just leave his mess lying around the house because there are seven people in my house, and we are short on space. If he leaves all of his food on the dining room table from lunch then where are we going to eat dinner? If he leaves all of his clothes all over the (only one) bathroom floor, that gets in the way of me bathing my baby.  I just don't know what to do anymore. I enjoy having my step daughter here, she gets along great with everybody and like I said she is very helpful. It's just my stepson. My step daughter tells me when they're at their house his mom basically ignores him and he spends all of his time in his room doing whatever he wants all the time. I think his mom is completely given up on. I can't say I blame her either.

 

ndc's picture

What's the point of having SS for 6 weeks of summer visitation if your husband is working 14 hour days?  Why can't he just come on weekends during that 6 weeks, and then let your husband deal with him?

JRI's picture

There is no justification for the SS's behavior but I think the real problem is your DH.  This boy's behavior is way out of whack and you really sound like you have your hands full.  I'd have a very serious talk with DH.  This boy's behavior is not fair to you or the other children and actually impedes what sounds like a very busy operation.  So many dads on this site have the guilty dad thing going on, but he is not doing his son any favors to overlook the impact he is having on your home.  I doubt you'll be able to effect change without DH standing with you.  I wish you good luck, you sound like a hard-working person.

Rags's picture

Sounds like it is time for the lying little slacker to be designated the shit shoveler for the next 6 weeks.  Give him every sweaty, nasty feces focused task on the entire farm for the next 6 weeks even if it means you sit in a chaise lounge in your bathing suit and sun glasses sipping Mai Tais reading novels and spritzing yourself with a cool mist all summer supervising his shit show.

smh

tog redux's picture

I'm with ndc, what's the point of him being there for 6 weeks if your husband isn't home? And to boot, he won't back you up by giving Precious some consequences when he gets home from work. It's funny, because you are also praising HIS daughter, but he can't hear that.  All he can hear is the negative about his special boy.

I'd just let SS do whatever do what he wants all day, work with the girls, and then give them a big treat at the end of every day, which he doesn't get. If they complain he's not doing anything, just say, "well, you know how he is."  6 weeks isn't worth your mental health, and trying to shape this kid up won't work if your husband won't help.

 

Mommatron's picture

OMG, thank you for making me feel like I'm not a terrible person here. My husband acts like I'm the devil when I bring the stuff up. And I agree he only gets defensive about his son. I get it it's a man and his son. But I'm not raising my son to be like that. He's only 1 but still lol. Absolutely not. And I feel like it's setting a bad example for the girls that the boy sits around to do whatever he wants and they have to work. I'm not raising my daughters to think that men don't have to work and pull their weight. I definitely have my hands full, but it's just a way of life for us. So I think that my husband doesn't really see it that way. The reason we get the kids for six weeks Every summer is because they live a few hours away. If they lived closer there would be a different solution. I do like the idea of rewarding the girls for working and not him though. I think today I'm gonna try giving everybody the option that these are the chores and if they get done this is the reward. If you don't do anything you get nothing. He's 12, he can make those decisions for himself at that point. It's not being unfair it's not like he's a toddler.  I know the three girls well enough that I know they will all do the chores for the reward. So everything will still get done.

SteppedOut's picture

No. Don't tell them in advance. Let the freakin sloth figure it out. 

The only problem I see, is dadddeee will feel bad for his "poor little boy" and go get him something. 

Winterglow's picture

Ask your husband "what sane woman is going to want to spend her life with a useless male who can't even take care of the basics for himself?" It's time he understood that chores are not punishment, they are teaching elements in being an independent and useful person. If he wants his son to be a pathetic failure then so be it but I hope he won't try and sponge off of his highly competent sister... Maybe framing all of that in your own words would get the message across. OTOH... was your DuH a useless male growing up too? I truly hate it when boys are allowed to be idle jellyfish who can't even blow their own noses.

Mommatron's picture

My husband gets frustrated with him too. But he doesn't punish him like we do the rest of the kids. My step kids have a stepfather that is very lazy and expects their bio mom to wait on him hand and foot. So my stepson is exposed to that all day every day in his normal life. And because his mom doesn't feel like disciplining him I think that's where most of it stems from. Unfortunately they're not at our house enough for us to make a huge impact on how he's being raised. So I think my husband has just given up.  I think he finds it easier to just ignore it than to deal with the frustrations of trying to raise him to be a capable human being every day. My husband doesn't have the patience to stand there and watch him put his clothes in the dresser anymore than I do. Especially not after working 14 hours a day. The kid needs a major wake up call. But it's not my kid and I'm not invested enough to drive myself to be mentally drained over one kid who nobody else seems to care about raising anyway. I wouldn't stand for it in my own children. My husband has made comments to me about how he's gonna be a trash man or work at McDonald's. The kid's only aspiration in life is to be a YouTuber. He barely gets by in school. And he's been kicked out of school several times for behavioral problems.  He just passed this grade by the skin of his teeth, and he's failed a grade before, so he's actually a grade level lower than my 11-year-old.  He has an IEP for behavioral issues. I think my husband uses part of that as an excuse, he says things like "you know he's not right. Why do you expect so much from him?"  But I feel like boundaries and a schedule are beneficial to a kid like that. And I don't expect any more from him than I do my own children. I expect not to be lied to, I expect that when chores are supposed to be done to get done. These are not complicated chores. My daughters have been doing these chores since they were eight years old and were able to accomplish them properly. I mean, how hard is it to fill up a bucket with water and toss half a bale of hay in a pen?  My step daughter is the oldest child in both houses, and I think that's what benefited her. I think she has turned out to be a good person because she's the oldest and has been expected to step up. Nobody seems to have those expectations for her brother and he just does whatever he wants.  When I express my frustration to my husband, he just tells me to ignore him and let him be in his room all day so that I don't have to deal with him. I just have a really hard time with that. I have a hard time checking out on one kid and not the others. It feels wrong.  And it feels wrong to expect three girls to help out around the house, knowing that they will and they will do a good job, while the only boy that is old enough to do anything gets to sit on his ass all day.

ndc's picture

Your husband has given you permission to check out on his son.  Take him up on it.  The kid's parents obviously don't care enough to raise him to be a productive adult, and it won't do you any good to care more than they do.

I would explain to the girls that they are making good decisions and he is making poor ones, and that chores and family participation will benefit them in the long run.  Reward the girls for their efforts, both with little treats and with praise and appreciation.  Do fun things with them when you can.  Do NOT include SS in any rewards or treats, and make sure everyone knows why.  And above all, make sure your husband knows that his son is not welcome in the home once he is an adult, even if he's a failure to launch loser with no other options.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

What kind of role model is DH to his son to counteract his stepfather's bahviors?  Kids don't just grow up and magically become a good person. You have 18 years to teach them.  I had a messy SS and I put it to DH that he needed to take charge.  Fortunately it didn't take much to get DH on my side.  SS was famous for peeing all over the place. I told DH that I was done cleaning it and it was his job. Once he saw how awful it was he taught SS to clean it up and told him that was his job and if he didn't like how disgusting it was , he better get the pee in the toilet.  Wow, that problem was solved with locigal consequences.   
Im dealing with my BD 11 who leaves trails all day long. Before dinner we go thru the house and I make her clean it up. Rinse and repeat.  She loves a clean house but hasn't quite made the connection  on how to keep it clean as goes  along.  
 

OP, keep your standards but include ALL the kids in the house to work to keep it clean. Don't pay DH any attention. His choice is either to become the maid or back you up.  Become the supervisor.  

simifan's picture

This is a DH problem. If the kid won't listen to you and he refuses to parent DH needs to take him to work or find a new babystter.

MsNiceguy's picture

Your DH gave you an out -`take it! His BM screwed him up and she can deal with it since dad can't and won't.  The stress is too much for you and your obedient children to endure.  Divorce and remarriage is hard on all parties involved, but it cannot be used as an excuse for SS to be an asshole for life.  You are a family and if he doesn't want to be a part of it, send him home!  It's worth it to pay more in CS.  If that is not an option, then you must demand a united front from your DH!  Figure out what SS values and use it as a tool for discipline and reward.  Without your DH's full support, this is doomed to fail and you are in for a long PAINFUL summer and many summers to come!

Mamaof4125's picture

I could have written this myself except mine is 14 and we have full custody and his mom is not in the picture at all...and we dont have a farm. I'm constantly hearing, oh you just hate him, from his dad or his grandmom will say, wow hes never like that with me..then I have to hear how sweet and polite and helpful he is...yeah. I'm the one parenting him every day all day and its exhausting.  I have 3 other kids and even my 4 yr old is more responsible. He is exhausting..he lies, manipulates, is a slob, never does as he asks or I have to repeat myself 20x a day and watch him like a hawk. I dont have much advice but I've seriously thought of walking away bc it's that bad sometimes so I completely relate